Chapter 14

CHAPTER

FOURTEEN

Faith

I'm staring at the clock, watching, waiting as each number ticks by. In an hour, we have to be up and moving so that Chad can make it to the base in time for his departure. I've been dreading this since the moment he told me he had to deploy. My heart hurts, the ache a steady presence with every beat.

My husband wraps his arms around me and places a kiss on my bare shoulder. I snuggle into his embrace. I'm soaking up every touch, every breath of his against my skin. I want to be wrapped up with him until the very last second.

We're both wide awake. Afraid to miss a single minute of time together before he has to go. I was worried he'd be exhausted, but he's assured me it's a long journey to where he's going, and he can sleep on the plane.

I don't want this to end. I'm deliciously sore from making love to him throughout the night. We tried like hell to make memories that would last until he comes home.

I know he has to go and I have to be strong for him. I have to set up his home so that he has a place to come home to. I don't know what waits for us when he's back, but I know he needs this. He needed someone to come home to, and I'm glad I can be that person for him.

Hopefully, by the time his deployment is over, he'll love me as more than just his friend, and we can keep moving forward with our future together. I shouldn't be thinking about that right now, but it's hard not to when I'm enveloped in his arms. I can feel the love and the dread of leaving rolling off him in waves. Part of me thinks he might already care more about me than we've shared, but the other part knows it's wishful thinking and my own feelings of hopeful projection.

My heart tells me there's more to this, and I'm going to grip that feeling with both hands. I'm going to be the best damn Army wife out there. He needs this. I can't imagine what it's like for them to deploy.

My brother loathed the idea of continuing to leave Shayne behind. I want Chad to have his military career. I just want to be there with him while he lives out his dream. Besides, he's giving me mine. He's given me a home, benefits, and security to take my dream job across the country from my family. He's my biggest supporter, and I'm determined to be that same person for him.

"I don't want to leave you." His whispered confession has tears welling in my eyes. I blink them away quickly, not daring to let them fall.

Rolling over, I rest my hand against his cheek. "This is who you are. My husband is serving our country, and I couldn't be prouder of you."

"I've never dreaded my job more than I do at this moment." He leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to my lips.

"We've got this, Chad. I'll get you all moved, and settled, and I'll be here waiting for you when you get home."

"That's different," he replies. I can hear the awe in his voice. "Knowing I have a wife to come home to."

"Well, you'll be used to it by the time you get home."

"I don't know that I'll ever be used to the fact that you're my wife, Faith."

"This is your reminder." I lift his hand and place a kiss on his wedding band.

"I don't need that reminder. There isn't a single moment in a day where I'm not thinking about you."

My heart lurches inside my chest at his confession. I want to ask him if he thinks about Ford as much as he does me. We're just friends. Friends who apparently get married and make love for hours on end. I don't have the guts to say the words. Besides, this isn't going to be an easy conversation, and the numbers on the clock keep moving forward. We don't have time. I need to send my husband off with a clear head, and hopefully a full heart, with the anticipation of coming home to me.

His wife.

"I need to start getting ready." There's regret and pain in his voice. "I don't know that I can do it, Faith. I don't know that I can climb out of this bed and make myself leave you. I just got you. It's not even been twenty-four hours since I made you my wife."

The lump in the back of my throat grows. I swallow it back, fighting against my own emotions. "I'll be your wife, no matter where you are in the world."

"I need you to be my wife in my arms, in my bed. I fucking hate this. I hate that I have to leave."

This time, it's me who moves forward as I press my lips to his. "This is who you are. I know that, and so do you. Does it suck? Yes, it does. But you've got this. A few short months, and then you'll be right back here."

"Four to six," he mumbles.

"We can do that. Easy-peasy." I hope that my voice is as carefree as I'm trying to make it sound, when the reality is that I'm dying inside and I feel the exact same way, but I'm his support system. I need to make this easier for him. I can fall apart once his bus pulls away. I'll have our friends and family here to pick me up. Right now, he needs me to keep him moving. To show him that we've got this, and although it sucks and I'm going to miss him like a limb, we've got this.

He's got this.

I've got this.

Four to six months, and then forever.

We can do this.

"Come on, husband. Let's get you ready to go." I keep my tone light, even though my heart is heavy as I start to roll over, but he stops me. He moves to his back and pulls me on top of him.

"Five more minutes."

I don't get a chance to reply before his lips meld with mine. He kisses me so tenderly, so slowly, it brings tears to my eyes. I fight against them, not willing to let them fall. I can do that after.

We kiss for far too long and end up having to rush to get ready to leave. Luckily, Chad packed for his leave early. I was also able to slip a letter into his bag without him seeing. I wanted him to have a piece of home as soon as he reached his destination.

By the time we make it to the lobby, our family is waiting for us. Everyone is wearing their emotions on their sleeves, and I know I need to do something. This is hard enough on him as it is.

"Good morning," I say cheerily. Fake it until you make it, or in this case, until your husband's bus that's taking him across the world for deployment drives away.

Chad releases my hand from his tight grip and slides his arm around my waist. His lips press against my temple, and I don't need his words to know he's thanking me for breaking up the sorrow of the moment.

"How about after this, we go have breakfast?" I ask our families.

"That's perfect, sweetheart," my dad speaks up.

"Are we doing this here or when we get there?" Ford asks.

"Oh, come with me." I look up at Chad and offer him a smile, before taking his hand and leading us down the long hallway in the hotel.

"Faith? Where are we going?"

"Married less than a day and already questioning your wife," I tease. My voice wobbles, and I clear my throat. I will remain strong for him.

When we reach the door that has a closed for a private meeting on the door, I push it open and step inside.

"What are we doing?" Chad asks again.

"I called the hotel and set this up. I wanted us to have a private place to say our goodbyes." I shrug like it's not a big deal. I pretend like my heart isn't racing so hard it feels as if it might jump right out of my chest.

Chad frames my face with his hands, and his eyes bore into mine. The look is intense, and his eyes tell me everything he can't say.

Thank you.

I need you.

I don't want to go.

"My wife," he whispers. When his lips touch mine, I don't care that our families are standing behind us, watching. All I care about is the man in front of me, my husband. Giving him the best send-off we can, that's what matters. Keeping his spirits strong and reminding him of what's waiting for him on the home front.

That's my mission before he embarks on his own.

I step back and smile at my mother-in-law. "Sorry, I'll stop hogging him."

She shakes her head, tears in her eyes, offering me a watery, sad smile. I step away. Well, I try to. Chad's hand on my arm stops me.

"I need you close, baby." His words are low, only for me, and they send a thrill through me.

I'll be whatever he needs.

I nod and move to stand close to him. He laces his fingers with mine and gives his mom a one-armed hug. I try to pull my hand away, but Chad's hold is firm. Again, without words, he's telling me what he needs. So I stop trying to step away from my husband and instead, relish the feel of his hand in mine, as each member of our family steps forward to hug him and tell him to come home safe.

Ford is the last to approach us, and I have to look away. My eyes find Shayne's and she offers me a weak smile of encouragement. I pull in a deep breath and slowly exhale. I can do this. Just a little longer. I have to keep myself together just a little longer. Shayne's subtle nod tells me she knows I can do this, and that the minute I need her, she's there.

"Brother." Ford's voice cracks.

I have to bite down on my lip. The subtle taste of blood spreads against my tongue as I fight my battle with tears.

"Check in on her, will you?" Chad asks.

Closing my eyes, I fight against the burn of tears. He's worried about me. This man who is leaving his loved ones to serve his country, and his worry is for me. My husband is one of the greatest men I've ever known. The other three are in this room.

"Always. You take care of you."

"I have too much to fight for," he replies.

I don't know much about why he's being deployed. I don't know where he's going to be or what he's going to be doing. That's one of the hardest parts of him leaving. If something happens, I'm depending on the Army to notify us, or him… depending on the situation. Sure, I'll be able to call, text, and email when the service is available, but what if that service isn't available? I make a mental note to stock up on stamps and stationery. As soon as I have an address, I'm going to flood him with mail, just in case that's the only piece of home he gets while he's away.

I can hear their mumbled words, but I'm too busy fighting tears to hear what they're saying.

"We should head to base." Chad slides his arm around my waist. I force a smile and nod.

"We'll follow you there," Ford tells him. We got them clearance yesterday so that this morning would be as easy as possible.

Our group heads toward the parking lot. Chad opens my door for me, and I offer him another smile. He closes the door, and I suck in a deep breath and quickly exhale. Just a little longer. I can keep up this act just a little longer.

Once he's behind the wheel, he slides his hand to my thigh, and that's where it remains until we reach the base. The drive is quiet. There's nothing else to be said. We both know the other is hating every moment of this. Rehashing it is only going to make it worse, so we both choose to remain silent during the drive.

"I'll get your door, baby."

I want to argue that he doesn't need to, but again, I stay quiet and nod. I'm giving him whatever he needs. My door opens and his hand appears. I take it, stepping out of the car. I move out of the way so he can shut the door. I shriek when he spins me around and presses me up against the car.

"I'm going to fucking miss you. So damn much, Mrs. Anthony."

"Every second of every day." My voice is meek, and the sadness is evident in my tone. Chad kisses me, just a quick press of his lips against mine, way too quick if you ask me, before he pulls away. Taking my hand, he leads me toward the bus.

There are already other families gathered around saying their goodbyes. I can feel the heaviness on my chest, as if the heaviness of this moment is weighing me down. The ache is so strong it hurts to breathe.

My parents are the first to step forward. Again, my husband refuses to let go of me as he hugs them one last time. Ford and Shayne are next, followed by his parents and sister. Once everyone has had their final round of hugs, Chad pulls me into him. He wraps his strong arms around me, and I can no longer hold on to the sob that breaks free from my chest.

He buries his face in my neck, and I can feel the slight tremble in his hold. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on with everything I've got. I want him to feel this hug for days, weeks, and months from now when he's missing home.

I lose track of time as we stand anchored together. When he finally pulls back, it's only far enough so that I can see his eyes.

"I hate that I'm missing you start your dream career. I hate that you've barely been mine, and I have to leave you. I hate that you're left to set up our home on your own. I hate the pain I see reflected back at me in your eyes. I hate it all, but I love that you're my wife, Faith Anthony." He moves to rest his forehead against mine. "I love you, my beautiful wife. Don't forget that."

My heart pounds in my chest. It's racing so hard, I feel it might suddenly stop working altogether, then again, that could be because my husband is leaving. It could also be because he told me he loves me. The intensity of his words don't feel like he's talking to a friend.

"I love you, my husband," I reply, pushing all the other thoughts out of my mind. We're running out of time, and I need to stay in this moment with him.

His breath hitches, and I know my words have affected him, just as much as his affected me. "I don't know if I can walk away from you, Faith."

"You're not walking away from me. You're serving our country. You're doing your job. It's taking you away from home for a while, but you'll be back."

"It's not dangerous, more training than anything, but there are always risks," he tells me. It's more than I know he was supposed to or allowed to say, and I appreciate him giving me that.

"How do you feel about the color gray?" I blurt.

"What?" He laughs, which was my intention.

"For the master bedroom. A dark gray is what I'm thinking."

His lips are against mine, and I get lost in his kiss. "The only thing I care about is that you're sleeping in our bed," he says, pulling away. "And that's where you'll be when I get home."

"So needy. Is this how all marriages work?"

"Damn right, I'm needy. Only for you. Only for my wife."

A voice comes over the speaker in the waiting area, giving a two-minute warning before boarding.

Two minutes.

Not long enough.

"I'll call when I can, and I'll write, and email, and anything else I can do to communicate with you. If it's a few days before you hear from me, don't worry, okay?"

I nod. The tears are hot behind my eyes. My vision is blurry. I blink rapidly to clear my eyes. I need to see him clearly. I focus on his neck as he swallows hard.

"Faith."

My eyes snap up to his, only to see tears as he blinks them away. "This is just a notch of time. There is so much ahead of us."

"Four to six months." I smile.

"Every second I'm away from you, I'll be thinking about you." He raises my hand and places it over his heart. It's thumping wildly inside his chest, the rhythm matching my own. "Right here, baby." He taps his hand over mine that's still resting against his heart.

"I love you, Chad Anthony." I need to say the words. I don't want any regrets.

"I love you, Faith Anthony." Another quick kiss, and he drops our joined hands and takes a step back. His eyes remain locked on mine with every step he takes away from me. Stopping, he picks up his bag and tosses it over his shoulder.

I wave as I lose my battle with my tears. I can't hold them back a second longer. Chad notices and runs back to me. His hands cradle my cheeks, and he kisses me hard. "No tears, baby. I'm coming home to you."

"I'll be here," I assure him.

"Love you." He kisses my forehead, then turns and walks away. I'm immediately flanked by our families as we watch him stop at the door of the bus. He turns and waves, blowing me a kiss before disappearing onto the bus.

All too soon, all I'm able to see are blurry taillights as the bus disappears out of sight. I can hear our family asking me if I'm okay, but all I can do is stand here, letting the tears roll unchecked down my cheeks, wishing that the bus would come back. If I could get one more kiss, just one more hug.

"Come with me." I recognize Shayne's voice as she wraps her arms around me and leads me back to the car. The car my husband bought for me. A sob breaks free from my chest, and I know that this pain will linger until the day I can wrap my arms around him again.