29. Phoenix

Phoenix

Wicked Game

I leave tomorrow morning.

To say I’m scared to death is an understatement.

All my grand plans for New Year’s Eve dissipated into dust because Eli and I spent the entire day and night naked and in each other’s arms. It wasn’t just sex for me. It was worship. It was memorization. I feel starved by his touch, and he’s right beside me. I'm pretty sure I’m trying to savor every second until we’re ripped apart for months. When we were together before, we went through gaps in time without being near each other, but this is different.

I won’t be able to talk to him.

I won’t be able to text him or see his face.

There’ll be no contact for who knows how long, and that’s the part that makes me want to throw up and cry simultaneously. The constant what-ifs are ruining my last night with him. What if he needs me? What if the people there are horrible to him? What if he backs out because he has no one to support him through this? I peek down at him. His face is resting against my chest, his long fingers fiddling with the drawstring of my sweats.

I run my hand through his hair, hating how selfish I want to be. I’ve debated many times just kidnapping him and tying him up whenever I have to play a show. It’s crazy how freaked out I am about leaving him. My chest pinches painfully as I’m reminded how easy it was to abandon Oliver. My baby brother still won’t talk to me. Not since he gave me his therapist’s information.

“Are you sure about this?” I croak, the sound of the movie on Eli’s laptop drowned out by my thunderous heartbeat.

He lifts his head to stare into my eyes. That miserable look flashes in them. It’s been like a possessive spirit weighing him down. Haunting every moment. “Yes.”

I nod, pulling him higher up my body, and kiss his lips. “I don’t want to go,” I admit. “Our songs aren’t that hard. Someone can fill in for me.”

“Baby,” he says gently. All that vileness from before is gone. I think he’s just too emotionally exhausted to get angry. “You’re going.”

My fingers flex against his scalp as I rub my cheek against his. “Fuck, I’m going to miss you so bad.”

He swings his leg over me, straddling my lap. Our chests are flush as he kisses me deeply. It’s a slow dance of tongues and lips. I moan into it. I’m fucking insatiable for him, I always will be. “How are you going to get there?” I ask between smacks and breaths.

“Uber,” he says, dragging his mouth down to my neck, nibbling and sucking.

I palm his ass, pressing him into me harder. “I can ask Nyx to drive you,” I pant when he pinches my nipple.

“Stop talking about it, Phoenix. Just feel me.”

I groan, and he responds with the flat of his tongue, licking a strip up my Adam’s apple. Then he sucks it. My cock instantly fills, ready to go even though I was just inside him an hour ago. “ Shit ,” I rasp.

“That’s better,” he purrs, pressing wet kisses down my chest. He sucks my nipple in between his lips, pebbling it and biting it. My hips buck up into him as he swirls his tongue repeatedly.

He moves farther down my body with endless kisses. And when he gets to the cherry blossom tree on my side, he drags the pad of his finger over each blossom with my family’s initials. My dick pulses and throbs, confused why he stopped his delicious descent. I lift my head to see what he’s doing.

“Do you know why I have these?” he asks, tracing one of the petals.

“I asked before. You wouldn’t tell me.”

A cute little smirk forms on his lips before it drops. Then he leans down to kiss my side. He lingers there for a few moments, breathing in my skin and squeezing my hip. “Cherry blossoms are one of the shortest-lived flowers,” he whispers, eyes shut. “They symbolize the beauty in fleeting life. But I always felt a connection to them because I never thought I’d live for very long. An aesthetically pleasing tragedy.”

“They also serve as a reminder to appreciate what we have while we have it,” I add. “And hope.”

“I suppose,” he breaths and kisses me once more before opening his eyes. “I’ve never had that. Hope. Not until very recently.”

“Then hold onto it,” I tell him, caressing his face. “Don’t ever let it go.”

He leans into my touch, holding my eyes. “I’m trying not to.”

I drag my thumb over his lips before tucking them under his chin. “You’re not a tragedy, sweetheart. You’ve never been that. To me, you’ve always been kismet. Inevitable.”

“That’s corny as all hell, Phoenix,” he says through a wet laugh, crawling back up my body and kissing me hard.

I smile against his lips, but it’s pained. I mean that shit. It’s the damn truth. When he finally pulls away, I tuck that one stray curl behind his ear and say, “I feel like I’ve died over and over again being with you.” He flinches, so I rush out the rest of what I want to say before he can overthink it. “Loving you has been a poison and an antidote. It’s the most intense push and pull I’ve ever experienced, but I’d never change it. Ever. We might burn so hot that we become ash, but we always come back from it. Stronger, brighter, and better than before. I believe that this death, the one I know I’m going to feel just as deeply as you, will be our last one.”

“What if we don’t come back this time? What if our roots die?” he asks softly, twirling some of my hair around his finger.

“We will. And when this is all over, and we see each other again, we will know, sweetheart. We’ll fucking know.”

His lips part as his eyes widen. “You remember that?”

“Every word. I can’t give you all that life, but I can give you the ending. I will give you that ending. I’ll even get the damn dog.”

He laughs loudly, forehead dipping to my chest as he squeezes my sides. “Think I’ll be a dancer? Like…with a studio?”

“We’ll make it happen.”

“Yeah?” he peeks up at me, looking so beautiful and like he might believe what I’m saying.

“Yes. Whatever you want, as long as it’s with me .”

I wake to warm, wet suction around my cock. It’s soft and slow, unlike the frantic devouring we did last night.

A moan escapes me as I absently reach down to feel Eli’s head bobbing on me. He hums in appreciation, cupping my sensitive balls and squeezing gently. Fuck, that’s good. Willing my eyes to open and check the time, I moan again because he’s hollowing out his cheeks and swallowing. It’s 4 am. I need to be up anyway.

He licks a stripe up my length before curling his tongue around my cockhead and dipping it into my slit. My fingers tighten in his hair, my breaths come out ragged. Despite all my professions last night, I still cried after we made love, still held him to me like he’d vanish if I eased up even a fraction. And when we fell asleep, I had nightmares that he slipped out and disappeared.

But he’s here. He’s here, and he's soothing me with his touch.

“Mmm.” I feel where his lips are stretched around me, unable to see too well in the darkness. “Feels good.”

I expect him to pick up the pace or try to go for my ass, but he just whimpers around my cock. Lifting my head and squinting, I see the shadow of his body writhing and feel the tremble in his hands where he grips my thighs. “Hey,” I coo, easing him off me. “Hey, come here.”

He comes easily, sniffling, and clings to me. “It’s not working,” he croaks, burying his face in my throat.

“What’s not?”

“Sex. I’m trying to get you off because you’re going to leave, and I just want a piece of you in me. I thought if I just had that, I could do this. Be braver. It’s just not working, and I’m so scared.”

“Fuck, Eli,” I grunt, kissing the top of his head and stroking his back. He shakes uncontrollably in my arms. “What are you scared of?”

“Failing. Fucking up. All that shit you said to me got under my skin, and I couldn’t sleep,” he rushes out, lifting his hips and positioning my half-hard dick at his hole.

“Wait—”

He sinks down onto me. I can feel the slickness from lube, the ease at which I tunnel inside him. He got ready while I was asleep. He relaxes a little once his cheeks hit my upper thighs, connected fully. “I wanted to have this sexy romantic send-off for you, but I can’t get my head right,” he says.

“This is perfect,” I whisper, kissing his jaw. Reaching over to my nightstand to turn on the little lamp, I click the button and get a good look at his face. His eyes are bloodshot and swollen. His lip is gnawed to fuck, like he’s been chewing on it for hours. I cup his face, brushing his hair behind his ears so he can’t hide from me. “It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared, too.”

“I’m sorry I did this to us,” he cries. “I…I…”

“Shh.” I kiss him hard, reaching down with one hand to curl around his cock. He bucks his hips at my touch, sending zips of pleasure through me. “That’s it, love. Just feel me. Feel us. We’re good. We’re going to be okay,” I tell him, putting on a brave face because what he will have to go through is terrifying.

And he won’t have me. He won’t have anyone.

“I got you,” I say firmer and pump my fist.

He whimpers and leans forward, effectively stopping my movements. Our lips collide, and it’s sheer want. Need. We move together, a steady ebb and flow while we savor and taste. This death is going to hurt worse than anything because it’s unfamiliar to us both. It’s easier to deal with heartbreak when you feel unwanted and cast aside.

It’s another entirely to know that you’re wanted more than anything and unable to reach each other.

To anyone else, three months might not seem like a big deal. But it is for us. And it’s not just the time apart; it’s the trenches of addiction he’ll have to battle his way through. I know it’s the best thing for him. I know that I cannot help him that way, but I would. I’d do anything for him.

Eli gasps into my mouth when I arch up, hitting his prostate how he likes. “There,” he moans loudly through his cries. “Oh fuck.”

“Use me. Take as many pieces as you want,” I profess, latching onto his neck and marking it.

“ Phoenix .” He pushes himself up and rides me faster, nails biting into my chest. “No one feels like you. No one. ”

“Because you’re mine.” He nods, and I start to jack him in earnest. “Fucking mine .” A sweet mewl leaves him as his cock jumps in my fist. “You were mine the moment I saw you.” Those gnawed lips part as he throws his head back, clenching his perfect ass around me. “No one ever had you like I do. No one ever will.” The words crawl out of my throat. “I fucking own you. Every inch.”

I watch his entire body tense up, a jagged cry exploding from his lips, and he comes hard. His cum sprays my stomach, chest, and a drop catches on my chin. Shudders ripple through him. Quickly flipping us over, I shove his knees to his chest and rut into him, pegging him until he screams. I swipe some of his cum off my stomach and smear it over his lips. He licks at my fingers eagerly, trying to suck them in.

“Fuck, baby, fuck me .”

“You’re going to feel me for days, sweetheart. Days .”

He whines, his fingers reaching for me desperately, so I let his knees drop. “Tell me again,” he begs, yanking on my hair to get me closer. His legs band around my hips, his softening cock still leaking.

“I love you,” I pant, kissing his lips and biting the rings. “I love you so much.”

“Again,” he demands, shaking.

“I love you.”

I’m so caught up in this moment, the look in his pretty blue eyes and the gasp on his lips, that my orgasm comes out of fucking nowhere. My nuts bunch up and tighten, and then I burst inside him.

I gasp and tunnel in deeper while his ass milks me dry. He lunges for my mouth again, shaky fingers carding through my hair. I hold his hip with one hand, the other cupping the side of his neck. And we stay like this for a while. My soft cock inside him, cum leaking out around it, and our lips fused.

When we finally separate because I have to leave, reality sinks in.

It’s time.

I have to let Eli go and hope to whoever listens to my prayers that we can get through this one more time—no more olive branches. There shouldn’t ever be a need after this…