33. Annie

ANNIE

After everyone gets some rest, we spend the rest of the day with Noah and Tally and Tally's family. By late-afternoon, I'm feeling peopled out.

"Want to head upstairs for a little break before the bachelor and bachelorette parties?" Sam asks quietly as we're coming back from the pool. I don't know what Sam, Noah, Drew (Holly's fiancé), and Tally's dad are going to do, but it already feels like too much to hangout with Tally, Gran, Holly, and Beth, even though they are all pretty great. Plus, my mom will be there.

"Yes," I say even though I know it isn't possible. The party starts in less than an hour, that's hardly enough time to get a breather.

"Let's go," he says. He murmurs something to Noah then leads me to the elevator. I'm silent on the ride up to our room, too exhausted to even think.

When we get to the room, Sam guides me to the bed. "I'm really not—" I start to say that I'm not in the mood for anything but he cuts me off.

"I didn't bring you up here to try to pull a move on you," he says as he stands behind me. His hands fall lightly on my shoulders as his thumbs start to rub the knots in my neck. "Is this okay? I promise to only touch you here. You've seemed so tense, and I just want to help you relax if I can."

I"m moved to tears by his promise. I want to say that this is hard for me, letting him in like this, trusting a man to touch me, but I don"t even have to say the words because Sam already knows.

His hands stop and leave my neck. "I need a verbal yes before I do any more."

"Yes," I say, hoping he can't hear the emotion in my voice.

If he does, he doesn't say anything about it as he lays his hands back on me and begins to knead out the knots in my neck. I feel myself relax as he does so.

I've always been introverted, preferring my books to people. Or a kitchen to people. My brother knows this. Sam knows this. But I promised myself I would put on my best show and do anything that Noah asked, because he's my brother and he's getting married. And knowing him, he'll only ever get married once. It's still all exhausting though.

"I am not excited to spend two hours with my mother," I finally admit. Mom's flight got in this afternoon, and she and her new boyfriend have been ‘resting' so they could be ready for the parties tonight and wedding ceremony tomorrow.

"Is she still mad about everything that happened in New York?" Sam asks as his thumb works on a particularly tight spot.

I nod. "She was mad that I went there in the first place. She's mad I don't talk to her more. And she blames me for not being a better judge of character and for dating someone I worked with, as if that was the problem."

"Did you tell her what happened?" he asks.

"A bit. Noah filled her in on the rest. But she still blames me. My therapist said it's probably her way of projecting because she hates that she's never been great at picking men to date, but it still sucks. Mom is amazing at victim shaming."

"I'm sorry, Annie," Sam says softly.

"It's not your fault."

"I wish I could go to the party with you, give her someone else to talk to."

"Hopefully, she'll be interested in Tally more than me so she won't hyper-focus on the fact that I'm not getting married at the ripe old age of twenty-eight."

I can practically hear Sam smirking.

"I am not going to tell her that I am married though, she'll throw a huge fit about it, even if it is what she wants."

"You could always tell her we started seeing each other, if she asks about your dating status," he suggests.

"I know." I sigh. "There are just more interesting things to talk about than whether or not I've found a man to settle down with. I would love to tell her about my restaurant, but she'd only laugh and tell me I need to get a real job. Or a husband who makes all the money. She can't see how hypocritical it is given how many men she's dated—yet never marries—but she still expects me to want to get married."

I feel his hands tense. "I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do."

I reach up and touch his hand. "I know." I turn to look at him, my shoulder brushing his chest as we stare at each other. "You aren't, you haven't. I really do want to see where this goes. I know I haven't said that yet, but I would like to give this a chance. I think I just don't want the reason I get married to be because my mom wanted that for me."

"Well, it's a good thing that you got married for me to have your insurance instead then, right?" He gives me a half smile, like he's ready to keep making jokes so I smile, but he'll stop if they don't land.

"Exactly," I say. "Now can you work on the knot on the left side? That one has been killing me for weeks."

"Of course." His hands are warm and the pressure on the knots feels good. I let myself fully relax, something I rarely do, but I trust him and that's huge.

I don't think about how in an hour I'll have to spend time with my mom and I don't let myself worry about what will happen with me and Sam once we get to Colorado. In this moment, I'm just letting myself enjoy this.

And for a few minutes, I get to feel like myself, something I haven't felt in a really long time.

Far too soon, it's time for the bachelorette party. I love Tally—she's perfect for my brother—but I've hit my people limit for the day, and I don't know how I'll be able to pretend that I'm fully fine around everyone.

"You can do this, sunshine," Sam whispers before he presses a kiss against my forehead. The elevator chime dings, signaling it's time to get on and head downstairs and go our separate ways. The guys are going to a restaurant for dinner and soda—since none of them drink these days—and the girls are going to the resort's spa, which Tally's grandmother rented out for us tonight. I also hope there's food because I'm already feeling hungry.

"I don't know if I can," I say as we step onto the elevator.

"Just stick with Tally or her sister, you don't even have to talk to your mom if you don't want to," he says.

I want to believe him. I hope that she'll be on her best behavior, but I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst and I'm already exhausted. "I'm going to need a week-long nap when we get home."

He smiles. "Anything you need. Anything you want."

I give his hand three squeezes. "Thank you for caring so much."

"Always," he says as the elevator reaches the ground floor. I look at him in wonder. How did I get so lucky that he cares for me so deeply? He lets go of my hand before we see anyone. He's letting me take charge of when I want anyone to know about us, and right before my brother's wedding? Probably not the best time.

We're all meeting out by the pool and I hear the group before I see them. Mom's laugh is loud and I'm already cringing. We turn the corner and I see them, all standing in a group. We're the last to arrive.

Mom breaks away from her conversation with Noah and approaches Sam and I.

"Noah told me the two of you would be coming down together, but I told him I wouldn't believe it until I saw it for myself." Mom gives Sam a hug first, something that I'm not surprised by, but it still stings. Then she reaches for me. "My darling girl!"

Mom always goes over the top the first few minutes we always see each other. I don't know if it's because she feels guilty that we haven't talked in ages, or if she really wants to try harder this time. But I know her praise will only last so long, before she'll find something to criticize.

"You look good," Mom says as she pulls back. "Less stressed, which is good. I was worried you were going to get too many wrinkles. You're young, you need to relax and take care of your face."

And there it is. "Thanks Mom." It's easier to just pretend that her comments don't sting than to confront her and make a scene in front of everyone. I feel Sam stiffen beside me, and his hand on my lower back presses against me and I lean into it. Mom might not ever see me as worthy, but at least I know that Sam does.

No one seems to notice us touching, not even Mom, which is good. I'm too tired for any explanations tonight.

"At least you can get a facial tonight, that ought to help. Are you still working in that restaurant?"

"I'm sure the facial will be great," I say through tight lips, but before I can answer the question about work, Noah claps his hands.

"Alright, time to party!" It's weird to see my normally quiet brother acting so excited about being social. But he is finally marrying Tally, and I guess that is a big part of it.

"That's my boyfriend," Mom whispers to me, not hiding her obvious point. The man, only a handful of years older than me, gives her a huge grin.

I swear I throw up in my mouth a little.

"Cool," I somehow manage to say. Gross is what I really mean, but I'd never tell my mother that.

"Have fun," Sam whispers to me, before giving my hand a quick, discreet squeeze before leaving my side.

"You too," I say. He heads over to where my brother and Drew are standing near Tally's dad.

"Hello, dear," Gran, Tally's grandmother, says before she wraps me in a big hug. I've always liked Gran. Her hugs feel like a warm blanket and I want to melt into it. The woman oozes love and goodness and all things that my mother has never been. I met her last year, at Thanksgiving, when Noah proposed to Tally.

"Hi, Gran." I return her hug. "Have you met my mom?"

"I just met her. Noah introduced us." Gran gives me a smile that tells me she'll be on my side if it comes down to it.

"Great," I say.

"Well, have fun with your facials and getting your nails done," Noah tells all of us. "We're going to go eat food."

I try not to think about all the good food I'll be missing while someone does my nails. I can't even remember the last time I got my nails done. But Tally wanted to treat everyone for the wedding.

"See you tomorrow!" Tally hugs Noah before letting him go. He pulls her in for a quick kiss that leaves her beaming. After this, they won't see each other until the wedding tomorrow. Noah's a purist in every wedding tradition out there. Though, I am surprised that he didn't bring his dog Mo with him. He never goes anywhere without that dog. I can't imagine this resort allows animals, so that's probably why.

When we get to the spa, Mom sits right next to me. "You've put on a little weight, are you eating too much of your food?"

I ignore her whisper because it's better to simply ignore her than engage in any conversation. Talking with my mother has never been productive. Thankfully, therapy showed me that it's okay to set boundaries. And one thing I won't talk to my mother about is my weight or eating or food.

"Oh, so you moved to New York and have barely said a word to me in ten years and you are still going to ignore me?"

"I'm happy to talk to you, Mom," I tell her, "just not about food. Or my weight, which is perfectly healthy by the way."

She grunts, "Fine. Would you like to hear about my boyfriend?"

We're still waiting on everyone to change into their robes so we've got ample time to fill. I wish there was something to eat, at least that would sort of distract me.

"Sure," I say, even though I have no desire to learn about the man that's been hanging out with my mother.

"I met him at the grocery store, can you believe it? I can't believe he's single. He's so charming and his family comes from so much money." Mom sighs like this is the best trait a man could possibly have, being rich. "He's thirty-two, so I know he's young, but wow is he amazing in bed…"

I hold up a hand, "I'm going to have to stop you right there," and thankfully, Mom doesn't say another word because everyone else comes out of the dressing room and we all shuffle down the hallway to the massage tables. I pick the one furthest from my mother, and slowly feel the tension drain from my shoulders as I get a massage.

"Are you ready to marry my brother?" I ask Tally after our massages are finished and we're getting our nails done. Lucky for me, Mom's stylist is sitting on the other side of the room so she only has Gran to talk to.

Tally gets a dreamy look in her eyes. "Sure am."

"He's been waiting for this moment for years. Since the first time you met," I say.

Holly snorts. "She'll never admit it, but so was she."

"I'll admit it," Tally says. "The first time I saw him I imagined a whole life with him, which sounds a little nuts, and it probably was. But I was eighteen and have you seen him? He's gorgeous."

"I mean, he's my brother so I don't think he's gorgeous."

Holly and Tally laugh with me.

"Do you think you'll ever get married?" Holly asks me. She's got a shiny ring on her left hand, a new addition Noah said.

"I always thought I wouldn't," I say honestly. "But lately, I don't know. Maybe."

Is this a lie? I'm already married, at least legally. But I have been thinking about what a marriage a life with Sam would actually look like. And I don't hate what I'm imagining.

"Ooo, are there any men you're interested in?" Holly asks. I laugh.

"Sorry about her, she's a little love-sick right now. She just got engaged last week," Tally tells me.

"It's okay," I say. "And yeah, there is one guy. He's my best friend."

Holly puts her hand on her heart like I've just said the most romantic thing in the world. "That's so sweet!"

I smile, unsure of what else to say. While I do like Sam—I love him, if we're being technical about it—but there's still so much we need to work through, that I need to work through. I just hope he'll keep being patient with me and sticking with me even if it takes awhile for me to fully embrace the life he wants. The life I want now too.

I'm not sure when it changed. When I went from swearing off marriage to picturing what our future house will be like. But somewhere along the way with Sam, it changed. I changed. And now I want something more.

I'm exhausted by the time I get back to my room. I hate that I'm disappointed when I find it empty. I turn on the TV, just so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. All I want to do is curl up in bed and not see my mother for another six months to a year, but I have to see her tomorrow, and I'm already dreading it.

I find The Office playing on one of the channels and let it play while I change into my pajamas. My face feels fresh and clean after my facial and I'm not sure what to do. I know Sam is going to stay with Noah tonight, duties of the best man and all, but I hate feeling alone.

My phone vibrates on the nightstand and I reach for it slowly. My heart beats faster when I see Sam's name.

Sam

You up still? Or back yet? I have some food for you.

My stomach grumbles in response. I text him back.

Me

I"m up. And I"m starving.

The door swings open a few seconds later. He walks in with the room key in one hand and a bag of food in the other. I have to restrain myself from jumping up too quickly. Sam came to see me. I don't hug him, instead I move to the small table in the corner and watch as he starts to unload the contents of the bag.

"I got you some nachos and a burger, because this was probably the best burger I've ever had and I needed you to try it and I know you love nachos."

I nod greedily. "Nachos are the food I"d like to have as my last meal."

"That"s a tad bit morbid," he says.

I shrug as I pull off the lid and am hit with the smell of melted cheese and spicy salsa. "But it's true."

He laughs, and my belly flips. All of this feels so normal, I just hope it will stay that way.