25. Annie

ANNIE

March 2024

The couch in my therapist"s office is huge and threatens to swallow me whole so I perch on the edge like I'm about to jump up and run out of here. Really though, I'd like to sink into it, but I know if I do that, then I won't do any talking.

"How have things been going?" Dawn asks me. This is our fifth session together. I told her all about my mom and Mitch and my history with Sam in the past few sessions. She's given me a few coping skills to help when I get triggered and so far, they have been helping. Grounding myself in the present is the one thing that seems to help the most. Either looking around the room or wherever I am and noticing what"s around me or turning on my favorite Taylor Swift song and dancing around. Getting out of my head and into the present moment is the one thing that keeps most of the flashbacks at bay.

Talking about what happened is exhausting, but it feels good to talk about it at the same time. Therapy is weird. Helpful, but weird.

"I'm okay." I twist my hands nervously. "I almost called Sam last night." We haven't talked much about him, but Dawn knows that he's my husband and that he loves me.

"Tell me about it," she encourages gently.

"I was feeling a little lonely, now that I'm all moved into the cabin on Hannah's property. I don't see as many people as I did when I was at the hotel, but I like the solitude for the most part. Mostly I just wanted to call Sam and tell him all about my life, but I'm not ready to invite him into it, so I don't feel like I can call him."

Dawn nods slowly. "Are you afraid of what could happen if you do let him in?"

"I don't want to get hurt again," I tell her truthfully. "But I know that Sam won't hurt me the way that Mitch did."

"But he's still human, he'll still hurt you."

"I know. I just don't want to hurt him. I don't want to put all of this on him." I gesture to myself. "I don't want to put the panic attacks and flashback nightmares where I wake up sweating and screaming on him. He doesn't need that kind of stress."

"Why would you put it on him?"

"I mean, he'd be my husband and he'd worry about me and I don't want him to worry."

"Shouldn't that be up to him to decide?" she asks.

I shift uncomfortably. "I don't know."

"Why don't you think about it? I think that Sam could be another great support to you."

"I love him," I blurt out. "But I don't want to. I don't feel like he should love me either, I'm too much of a mess."

"Do you think that maybe because of how your mom treated you growing up, and her past relationships, it made you feel as though you aren't worthy of love?" Dawn asks and I meet her eyes. How does she always know how to ask the questions that hit me straight in the heart? It's like she knows more about my own brain and what's happening inside it than I do.

"I don't know." I glance down at my hands. "My mom is complicated, and I know that, but she always made me feel like a burden and so did Mitch."

"Has Sam ever made you feel that way?"

"Well, no, but…"

"I think there are some things you need to think about, to work through. There have been too many people in your life who haven't shown you what it means to be loved. But that doesn't mean that you aren't worthy of it. Sam has been in your life for fourteen years, maybe it's time to think about what that means and talk to him about what he wants in the future."

"I'm scared," I tell her.

"I know. Loving another person is one of the scariest things we can do. We give our hearts to them and hope like hell that they won't hurt us. They will though, because we're all human, but that doesn't mean we should run away from a love like the one you and Sam have."

I blink away the tears that spring to my eyes. "I'll think about it."

"I'm going to follow up in a few weeks. Give you time to sit with this. But I do think you should reach out to Sam and tell him your fears, give him a chance to love you. And let yourself love him."