8. Sam

Ihadn't been looking forward to this day, but our annual sibling get-together was happening next month, and the changes I'd been going through wouldn't go unnoticed.

It was time to come out to my family.

Wanting to complete the less stressful tasks first, I decided to come out to my brother and sister. My parents would likely not take my news well, but I could manage the situation much more easily if I at least knew my siblings would support me. Maybe them knowing first would make things a little less awkward. Or not.

I guess I was about to find out.

I drove to my brother's ranch a couple of hours north of the city after I'd called my sister, Sadie, earlier that afternoon. She traveled a lot for work and was currently across the country. My video chat with her had gone well, which buoyed my spirits a little, but I wasn't sure how this would go.

As my car inched up the gravel drive of my brother's classic farmhouse, his kids, the most adorable children I'd ever met, burst out of the house.

Then they stopped.

My heart sank to the floorboards as I slowly crawled out of the car, watching as my nine-year-old niece and six-year-old nephew stared at me with curious eyes. I hadn't told anyone in the family about cutting my hair, hadn't talked to them on the phone so they could hear how deep my voice was getting, so I was certain this was a shock. But I couldn't help but feel like a stranger in my own family.

My brother, Seth, stood on the wide porch with his wife, Anna, his arm around her as I shuffled across the grass and up the steps. He opened his arms when I got close, and I sank into his embrace, his full dark beard scratching against my neck. I may have sniffled once. Maybe twice.

Seth pulled back, his eyes wiser than his thirty-five years, and gave me a kind smile. "Seems we have a lot to talk about."

I simply nodded, trying to swallow past the lump in my throat. After a quick hug from Anna, I followed them into the house, my niece and nephew on my heels then disappearing when they made a sharp turn for the living room behind me.

My brother's home was rustic and earthy, with plants on nearly every surface and herbs hanging from wide wood beams near the ceiling in the kitchen. He was a farmer at heart, always had been, and he and Anna made their living selling produce and handmade goods at local farmers markets. He looked tired but happy, and that did my heart good.

"So, S—" he started once the three of us had taken seats on either side of his long kitchen table with mismatched chairs, and I heard his voice catch before he said the name he'd known me by for my entire life. I sensed he suspected why I was here; I supposed my appearance told a lot of the story. "Did you come here to talk about something?"

I nodded, sniffing once and wiping away an errant tear. "I did." He blinked at my lower voice but didn't otherwise react. "I wanted to tell you something in person, something important."

He nodded, motioning across the handmade wooden table. "Please."

I straightened my shoulders, bracing for the worst, hoping for the best. Sadie's reaction was as good as I could've expected, but somehow Seth's opinion held more weight. We were closer as kids since we were only a few years apart.

His actions until now seemed to indicate this would go fairly well, but one never knew . . .

I drew in a deep breath then just put it all out there. "I'm transgender. My name is Sam, and my pronouns are he/him." And just like I'd done with Sadie, I held my breath.

After a moment to process—a habit he'd had since childhood—his face split into a wide grin. He leapt to his feet and circled the table, reaching for me, pulling me out of my chair and into a bear hug. He'd never been a huge man, but he was strong from the years working outside. And as he squeezed me tight, my heart healed, just a little.

Several long moments later, he pulled back, keeping his hands on my shoulders and looking me over as if seeing me for the first time. "Sam. I love it. Welcome, brother."

At that, I broke down. I started sobbing, overwhelmed by his easy acceptance of me—so much more than I'd dared to dream—and collapsed into his arms. He pulled me close, just let me cry, as his wife came behind me and wrapped her arms around me, too.

Before long, two little sets of footsteps pattered against the tile in the kitchen. The three of us broke apart, and a little hand reached for mine. My nephew, Josiah, gazed up at me with wide eyes. His sister, Cali, had wrapped her arm around her dad's waist.

"What's wrong?" she asked, glancing between us, her eyebrows furrowed.

Seth squeezed my shoulder, his eyes asking for silent permission. When I nodded, he smiled down at his kids. "Nothing's wrong, sweetie. I just wanted to introduce you to your Uncle Sam."

Josiah blinked up at me, his little eyebrows pinching together as he appraised me. "Uncle Sam?"

I nodded, my eyes wet and swollen. "I'm a boy, Jos. Your uncle."

His tiny mouth curved into an O as if he understood the meaning of life now. "Ohhhhh," he cooed, dragging out the word. "Cool!" In an instant, he was sprinting back to the living room.

My chuckle was watery, and my brother and sister-in-law joined me. Then Cali looked up at us. I didn't think she'd be mean intentionally, but one could never guess what went through a kid's head at any given time, so I braced myself when she opened her mouth. "That's awesome, Uncle Sam. Your hair looks nice."

My hand automatically flew to the nape of my neck. "You think?"

She nodded matter-of-factly with the confidence only a kid could have. "Yeah. You look more like yourself." Abruptly, she threw her arms around my waist and pulled me close. I wrapped my arms around her upper back, holding her head against my stomach. "I love you, Uncle Sam."

As she followed her brother out of the room, the tears started flowing again. The tears I shed here were tears of release, of freedom. Of embracing who I truly was and overwhelming gratitude that others were embracing me, too.

Seth clapped his hand on my back, his own eyes shiny. "You wanna stay awhile? We can put on some coffee for starters. I'd like to hear your story if you'd like to share."

Unable to speak through the emotion, I simply nodded.

***

The sun was setting by the time I'd eaten dinner with Seth and his family and we'd retired on his back porch with a couple of IPAs to watch the sun set over the still snowy mountains in his darkening backyard.

"Seth, I wanted to apologize."

He tipped up his beer and took a swig. "What for? You know you don't ever have to apologize for this."

I shook my head, sipping my own drink. "No, not for this. I'm proud of being trans. I wanted to apologize for what a dick I was to you over the years. Especially when we were kids. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was super jealous of you."

"Ah." He nodded, staying silent for a moment, as was his way. Being around my brother now, as an adult, was peaceful. "I can see that."

"You don't hate me for it?"

He eyed me. "I don't hate you. But honestly? I struggled with it for a while. Had to work through it in therapy."

"Oh god—I'm so sorry!"

He waved me off. "We were kids, Sam. You didn't even know it, but you were struggling with your identity even then."

I nodded, humbled by the truth of his words. "You're right; I was."

He took another drink. "I don't hold it against you." He winked at me. "Promise."

I grinned. "Glad to hear it. But I thought I needed to apologize anyway."

"I appreciate it, Sam."

I smiled. "Anytime. Now, please, can you help me out? How long did it take you to grow your incredible beard? Because mine is taking forever."

He laughed loudly, the sound carrying over his backyard. "You'll get there. Mine took several years to grow in fully." He scratched at the hair on his chin.

I groaned.

He laughed again, repeating himself. "You'll get there, man. Keep going."

I nodded, sipping at my beer while staring out into the darkness, enjoying the easy silence between us.

He broke it a few minutes later. "Have you told Mom and Dad yet?"

I shook my head. "No. I told Sadie just before I came out here."

His eyebrow raised. "Oh? How did that go?"

"She was speechless."

He chuckled. "Congratulations on that. Not an easy feat." He tipped his nearly empty bottle toward me, and I clinked my half-full one against his. "If you need support, I'm here. I'm not sure how I can help, but I wanted to offer anyway."

"Thanks." I smiled at him. "But I think this is something I need to do on my own."

He nodded somberly. We both knew how our parents could be. "Listen—I think you could tell, but I'm putting the offer out there officially. You're always welcome here. I hope our parents don't make you choose between your identity and the family, but I will support you, and I know Anna will, too. Always."

My voice cracked as my heart broke. "I think they're going to hate me."

His chair creaked as he turned to me. "Sam, you listen to me. If they take this poorly—and as much as I hate it, we both know that's a strong possibility—that is one-hundred-percent on them. That is a reflection of their biases and transphobia and is not a reflection of you whatsoever. You need to believe that."

I nodded, my eyes filling for the millionth time today. "I know. Still would hurt, though."

He reached for my hand, squeezing it once. "I'm here for you, Sam. If you need to talk or just drive two hours for a hug, I'm here."

My chuckle was watery. "Thanks, Seth. I may take you up on that—though my friend, Alex, gives good hugs, too."

"Alex?"

I nodded. "We work together. We've become really good friends—he's my best friend, actually."

He stared at me, his eyebrows raised, but he didn't say anything.

It took me a minute, but when I finally put together what he was trying to hint at, I gasped. "No! It's not like that."

"Are you into girls then? Because you've only ever dated guys, right?" He sighed, presumably at himself. "Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm sticking my foot in my mouth, aren't I?"

I laughed. "You're fine. Nope, still into guys. Which means I not only get to tell our parents that I'm a guy, but I also eventually get to come out as gay, too. That will be a treat."

He snorted. "Yeah, I bet." His expression sobered. "Are you going to share that part, too?"

I shook my head. "Not right now, unless they ask, I guess. The trans thing is enough."

"Oh, for sure."

Crickets echoed in the background before he spoke again.

"So if not Alex, are you seeing anyone?"

I blushed, thinking of my crush on and pen-pal relationship with Cameron. "Not technically."

He wiggled his eyebrows. "Oh, there's a story there!"

I covered my mouth to hide the grin I couldn't help. "So you know the book I read that made me realize I was trans?"

He nodded.

"I messaged the author about it, telling him that his book changed my life. We've been exchanging emails since."

His eyes and mouth both shot wide, and I grinned at the uncharacteristic expression. "Dang, man! You think it will go anywhere?"

I shrugged. "As much as I'd like it to, I'm not sure. I did meet him in person once, though." I left out the fact that Cameron didn't know his email admirer and the Sam he'd met in the coffee shop were one and the same.

He smiled. "Maybe there's a chance, then."

"From your mouth to god's ear."

***

I stayed at Seth's way too late and headed home with a backseat full of leftovers. Tonight, I'd go home and rest, get lots of sleep, maybe check to see if Cameron had emailed back. And maybe jack off in bed—my libido still hadn't calmed down since I'd started taking T.

In the morning, I decided to wait to come out to my parents. I wanted to be further along in my transition before I told them, and I didn't have any plans to see them until Christmas, anyway, so it could wait. But whether they hated me or not, whether they disowned me or not, this was who I was. I'd always been a man, but I'd only now realized it. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, I'd had to go through a series of life changes and mindset shifts before I could even recognize who I truly was deep inside.

A lot of the reason behind that was how I was raised. I wanted to be angry at my parents for that, and sometimes I was, but that was in the past. All we could do now was move forward.

And I hoped they'd want me to be a part of their lives as we did.