Chapter 12

"And here we are!" Gwen said as she guided Tamsin into the sitting room where Pandora, Persephone, Min, and Ellis were seated, waiting. "You didn't think we could pass up one last opportunity to be together before we go our separate ways."

"Especially after our Weston holiday was cut short again this year," Min exclaimed.

Tamsin was delighted to have her friends gathered, even if it would only be for a short time, as the wedding breakfast was winding down.

"We've a gift for you," Persephone said. "The same one I received when I wed Acton."

Pandora gave Tamsin a wrapped parcel.

"Thank you," Tamsin said, sitting on the edge of a chair and placing the package in her lap. "Truly, having you all here is the best gift I could ever receive."

Gwen sat down too. "Open it!"

Laughing, Tamsin, unwrapped the package to reveal a framed piece of embroidery. "The Rogue Rules." She read them quickly, smiling, before turning it around and showing everyone. "Pandora, did you make this?"

Nodding, Pandora glanced at Persephone. "Just like the one I made for Persey. Well, not just like it. Tamsin, yours has shells in the corners."

It did indeed, including a cockleshell. Tamsin hugged it to her chest and felt the slight weight of the cockleshell in her pocket, where she'd carried it during the wedding ceremony. "I love it."

"Even if your husband isn't really a rogue?" Min asked with a chuckle.

"We all need reminders," Pandora said.

"I can't argue with that, but you are right that Isaac isn't a rogue. At least, not so far as I can tell." Was he a rogue for declaring their marriage would be in name only? Better to communicate such things than not, Tamsin reasoned.

"Your father is the real rogue," Pandora said with a knowing look.

"Why is that?" Gwen asked.

"Because he ignores her and puts his work above all else. And he sought to betroth her to one of his friends." Pandora made a face.

Tamsin wasn't sure "rogue" was the right description for her father, but he was something unpleasant. However, she didn't want to dwell on that while she was with her friends for the last time for a long while. "He told me I could cry off, that no one here would judge me. He also shares your concerns about whether Isaac and I are a suitable match. But none of that matters now, since we are wed." Tamsin gave them a smile that was perhaps overbright. She was really struggling with her optimism today. And it was her wedding day!

Min reached over and touched Tamsin's arm. "Goodness, we did not mean to cast aspersions on your marriage. After what transpired in Weston, we just wanted to make sure you were confident in your decision. Because we care about you."

Only Tamsin wasn't confident, not since her husband had informed her their marriage would be in name only.

Temporarily, she reminded herself. She changed the topic to when they would next be together. Most of them would be in London in the spring, except Pandora. At least, Tamsin expected she would be in London. Perhaps she ought to confirm that with Isaac.

They talked for a while longer before Tamsin said she needed to prepare to leave. She hugged everyone but saved Persephone for last. "Can you stay a moment?" Tamsin asked. "I have a few questions."

Persephone's brow rose slightly, and her eyes lit with understanding. "Of course." She turned to look at Pandora who stood near the door. "I'll meet you in the drawing room."

Nodding, Pandora left, but not before blowing a kiss to Tamsin.

"I should have asked if you had questions about tonight," Persephone said. "Forgive me."

"Actually, it isn't about tonight, as I don't believe anything will be happening beyond me sleeping at an inn." Tamsin gathered her courage to share what she must. She needed someone's advice, and Persephone was the only person who could help her at the moment. "You know this marriage wasn't on purpose. We had to wed."

"Yes, but I thought doing so was amenable to you both." Persephone's lips parted, and her eyes rounded. "Droxford hasn't expressed regret, has he?"

"No, but he has stated that he prefers a marriage in name only. At least for now." Tamsin shook her head.

"I take it that means no physical intimacy?"

Tamsin nodded. "I think so. I didn't ask for details. I wouldn't know what to say. We haven't even kissed."

Persephone's brow puckered. "Perhaps you should ask him about the future, whether he hopes intimacy will come. Without it, there will be no children, and I would think he has a duty to produce an heir."

Tamsin hadn't considered children, at least not in terms of the conversation they'd had earlier. She supposed she was still thinking things through. "I feel…attracted to him. I'd like to have physical intimacy. A kiss at least would be nice," she added with a feeble laugh, thinking that she'd gone long periods of time in her life with little to no physical connection. Mrs. Treen hugged her from time to time, but Tamsin couldn't remember the last time her father had done so.

"I wish I had better advice for you, but I think you must give this time. Everything happened so quickly, and you are both in an unbreakable union you didn't anticipate. I hope you aren't regretting it." She looked at Tamsin with deep concern.

"I am not. We were friends before, and we're going to work on being that again. Perhaps from there we can find our way to a real marriage. If he even wants that."

Persephone's nose wrinkled. "He should. A lifetime without an intimate relationship with your spouse sounds horrendous. And I can't see Droxford as the type to keep a mistress. Though, perhaps you should also ask him if that's his intent." Her gaze filled with sympathy. "Better for you to know what to expect."

"I agree. So, you…enjoy the intimacies of marriage with Wellesbourne?" Tamsin asked.

"Oh, yes," Persephone replied with a grin. "That's the best part of it all."

Tamsin had hoped she wouldn't say that.

"You must write to me if you need anything," Persephone said insistently. "I am here to help—whatever you require."

"Thank you. I appreciate that more than I can say." Tamsin hugged her tightly.

They left the sitting room together, and when Persephone headed toward the drawing room to join the others, Tamsin instead went to her father's study. She needed to settle things with him before she departed.

The door was wide open when she arrived. Tamsin stopped short, finding that extremely odd. Perhaps he wasn't inside. In fact, he likely wasn't since there were still a few guests in the drawing room. Still, the door was always closed, even when he wasn't there. Especially when he wasn't there.

She stepped to the threshold and peered inside. Her father sat to the right of the door in a wooden chair. She would not have seen him if she hadn't moved closer to look.

Tamsin's father jumped to his feet. "Tamsin, I was just going to come find you." His gaze dipped to the embroidery in her hand, which she'd almost forgotten she was carrying. "What do you have there?"

"A gift from my friends. Pandora made it."

He nodded vaguely. "It's nice to see Miss Barclay again."

Tamsin appreciated him saying that. As she searched for the words to tell him she would be leaving shortly, he said, "I understand you and Droxford are leaving for Hampshire this afternoon. I'm glad." He didn't meet her gaze as he shuffled toward his desk.

"Papa, I need to know why you suggested to my husband that I am having trouble leaving and that I wanted to spend the holidays here. Is it because you don't want me to leave?"

Turning toward her, he blew out a breath. "You have caught me out, just as Droxford did earlier."

Isaac had spoken with him? He'd taken up her side, just as she'd known he would. Because he cared for her. He'd proven that the moment he'd insisted they'd wed. And he'd shown her many times over during their acquaintance.

"He asked me the same questions," her father continued. "I will tell you more directly." His eyes met hers, and she was taken aback by the emotion—the sadness—in them. "I don't want you to go. The reason I endorsed Brimble's suit was because he didn't mind if you spent half the year here. I asked if he would allow you to spend November through January here and then June and July, plus August in Weston."

Tamsin stared at him. "You negotiated where I would live?"

He blanched. "I am not proud of my selfishness. I couldn't bear you leaving. But I also knew you'd want to have a family of your own someday. I'd already done too much to prevent that. Brimble seemed a good answer to our problems."

"To your problem. I didn't have one." Tamsin winced at the flash of pain in her father's eyes. Her anger fled, and she was disappointed in herself for harboring it in the first place.

"You're right. It wasn't your problem. I'm sorry for…everything."

Tamsin hadn't known how much she needed to hear him say such things to her. "Thank you, Papa. You arranging a suitor made me realize I do want to marry. I would like to have my own family, to be the mother I didn't have."

He made an odd sound like a hiccup that he tried to hold in. "You deserve that, which is what I told your husband. I wish I could give you advice, but the truth is that I don't know if I ever learned how to be married or a father. I'm afraid I wasn't a very good husband to your mother, and I was not the best father to you."

"I know you love me, Papa."

His eyes glowed with a fleeting warmth. "I do. Despite that, I've been selfish. I should have sent you to live with your grandmother after your mother left. That would have been best for you."

"Why would you think that?"

"Forgive me for speaking frankly, but you are an adult and a married woman now, and it's time I was honest. Your mother's infidelity and abandonment devastated me. I was so angry and so hurt, in large part because of how she treated you. What mother leaves her child?"

Tamsin worked to ignore the pang of sadness that gripped her. "I don't know."

He looked at her with naked remorse. "I drove her away from us. And instead of ensuring you were cared for, I continued as I had always done, immersing myself in my work, perhaps even more than I had before in order to bury my own pain."

"You don't know that you drove her away," Tamsin argued, not wanting him to bear the brunt of that. "We will never know."

There was silence for a moment before he said, almost wistfully, "You remind me so much of her—in appearance if not in demeanor. Though, when I first met her, she was so full of joy. Like you."

Tamsin didn't remember those qualities about her, at least not to the extent her father was describing. "I recall she was occasionally happy, but not always."

"That was how she became," he said sadly. "Until she decided she could be happier somewhere else. And then she died." Papa looked away and sniffed.

Her mother had taken ill and died in a matter of weeks. Tamsin hadn't been able to see her or even write to her. "I hope she died happier." That was what Tamsin had chosen to believe. The truth, she'd long ago decided, didn't matter.

"I hope so too." A sad smile curved his mouth. "I loved her so, and I love her still, if you can believe that. I love you too, Tamsin."

The words seared into Tamsin's heart. She'd known he did—she'd just told him that, and he'd affirmed it—but hearing him say the words filled her with an indescribable joy. She couldn't remember the last time he'd said them.

He went on, "I hope you can forgive me for my selfishness. I am a foolish old man."

Overwhelmed with emotion, she went to him and touched his sleeve. "I understand why you did all that, Papa. And I am not angry. I know how hard it must be to say this, especially to encourage me to go and leave you."

He smiled at her and brushed a kiss on her forehead. Tamsin couldn't remember the last time he'd done that. Her heart lodged in her throat.

"I hope you will be very happy with Droxford," her father said. "I confess I have been impressed by him. I am confident your marriage will be more successful than mine. I will pray every day that it is."

"Oh, Papa, thank you." Tamsin set the embroidery on his desk and hugged him tightly.

"Good heavens, this is a shocking display," Grandmama said from behind Tamsin.

Stepping back from her father and turning, Tamsin wiped at her eyes, for a trace of moisture was leaking out. "Papa has been telling me how happy he is for me." Those hadn't been his exact words, but overall, that was what Tamsin believed he meant.

Surprise flashed in Grandmama's eyes then she narrowed them slightly toward Tamsin's father. "I'm glad to hear it." She returned her attention to Tamsin, smiling. "The last guests are going to leave, and you need to say farewell."

"Of course." Tamsin picked up the embroidered Rogue Rules and started toward the door. Looking back at her father, she asked if he was coming.

"I'll be along directly."

Nodding, Tamsin stepped from the study. But she lingered outside the door for her grandmother.

Except Grandmama didn't immediately follow her. Tamsin's father was speaking.

"I owe you an apology for always being so distant," he said.

"I appreciate that. I apologize for blaming you for my daughter leaving." Grandmama sounded a bit weary.

"You had every right," Papa said. "She deserved better than I gave her. I regret that more than you can know, especially since I continued my selfish behavior after she left when Tamsin needed me most."

"I should have insisted you let me take her," Grandmama said flatly. "But you convinced me that the two of you needed each other."

"I definitely needed her, though I had a terrible way of showing it. I'm trying to make things right now. I want her to go and be happy. That's all I could hope for."

"Then we are in agreement. At last." Grandmama laughed, and Tamsin could hear the irony in it.

Papa laughed too, and Tamsin had to clap a hand over her mouth lest they hear her giggle along with them.

Before Tamsin could hurry toward the drawing room, her grandmother walked out of the study. Face flushing, Tamsin started moving. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop," she said as her grandmother walked alongside her.

"I don't mind, dear." Grandmama patted Tamsin's arm. "It's good that you heard that. Your father and I have been at odds for a long time. We will never be close, but I'm gladder than I can say to see that he's supporting you in this way. It's about time."

"Should I have gone to live with you?" Tamsin asked, allowing a pain she'd long buried to surface. She'd always been so happy to be with her grandparents and later her grandmother after Grandpapa had died. Leaving them at the end of a visit had always been difficult, but she knew her father needed her more than they did.

Grandmama stopped just outside the drawing room and drew Tamsin to face her. "Do not look backward, my darling girl. You have been happy, and that is all that matters. And you are embarking on a future that looks even brighter. Droxford is a good man, and you'll have a wonderful, happy marriage—with many children." Her eyes twinkled with joy. "I just know it."

Tamsin wished she felt as certain. She wanted to. Indeed, that she couldn't was disturbing. Her usual optimism had been shaken by her father, even though they'd resolved matters. She could no longer ignore his selfishness and the ways it had shaped her. She'd sought joy because it hadn't been easy to come by, not after the loss of her mother and not with the way her father had treated her.

She was also troubled by the observation by her friends and her father that she and Isaac were not a good match. Even Isaac seemed to think so if he preferred a marriage in name only. He'd said, "for now," but she'd seen the hesitation in his eyes, heard the uncertainty in his voice. What if they weren't really meant to be together? What if this was another instance of her looking so hard for happiness that she'd lied to herself as she'd done for so long with her father? Perhaps her friends were right to be worried.

The fairy tale Tamsin had spun when she'd first heard of a possible marriage completely crumbled. Not that it had ever taken full shape. She'd tried to make the best of a situation that was perhaps beyond her control. But hadn't she been doing that her entire life?

Now she would do it with her marriage. Because here was no turning back. Making the best of it was all she had.

"I love you, Grandmama."

"I love you, my beautiful girl. Now let us find your husband so you can be on your way!"

Taking her grandmother's arm, Tamsin walked into the drawing room and did what she must. She summoned a smile and looked for joy wherever she could find it.