7. Cameron

Cameron

I can't believe Jagger skipped out on seeing a robot.

Okay, it's not exactly C-3PO, but it's still cool. It's at least four feet tall, with black and silver components, cased with a shiny white carbon fiber frame. Not unlike a stormtrooper in some ways, except the casing only covers the torso, so you can see the rods and gears that make the arms and legs work.

"What can it do?" I ask Aiden as we admire it.

"The goal was to have it walk on uneven surfaces. Earlier versions built by other universities could only handle flat terrain, and since Colorado is the furthest thing from it, the department thought this would be a good place to focus on nailing that part of the design."

"Can it? Walk on uneven ground, I mean?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

Aiden flexes his jaw, which I'm pretty sure means he's stalling to come up with the simplest explanation. "It's programmed with a series of algorithms that tell the mechanical components how to move when it detects different terrain."

"That makes sense. "

Aiden cracks a small smile, like he's relieved he didn't have to find another way to say that or go into deeper detail. "When it was built, the concept was pretty novel. Now, they're building robots that can jump or move their arms when they walk like humans do."

My eyes search out Jagger's, to dare him to try walking or jumping without moving his arms, only he's not here. He was never here. Why does that make me feel jittery?

"So, um… This guy was a pretty big deal in his time?" I ask, fishing for something—anything— to say if only to fill the awkward silence that's settled between us.

"Yeah."

"Nice." My gaze travels over the robot once more before taking in the expanse of the white and stainless-steel industrial lab, where at least a dozen workstations are littered with everything from soldering tools to funny little boxes with wires coming out of them. It doesn't look unkempt, but things aren't under lock and key, and I sort of expected a robot would be. "They just leave it out in the open?"

"Where else would they put it?" Aiden says.

"I don't know. A closet or something. Or a display case."

Aiden gives me a nonchalant shrug. "I guess they figure since you either have to be in here with a professor or have a key, it's safe."

"How come you get a key?"

"I'm going to be a TA this year."

"Oh right. You're a year ahead of me, like Bennet." You have to be at least a junior before you can be a TA, although even that's uncommon, or so I'm told. "Are you gonna teach any classes?"

"I doubt it. I'll probably just grade papers and host some study sessions. "

"Cool," I trail off, racking my mind for something to say next since we've hit the limit of my interest in computers and engineering. "Can I take a picture to show Jagger?"

"Sure. I'm surprised he didn't come with you. I don't think I've ever seen one of you without the other."

"It's rare, but it happens." An awkward little chuckle makes its way past my lips as I think back to what he said about wanting to edit videos instead of coming here. It was a total bullshit excuse to flee, since we usually edit them together. I'm not sure he knows how to do it on his own. And the only reason I didn't call him out on it is that I don't know why he lied. Maybe it was due to him wanting me to experiment with Aiden…

Could he have thought this was a date and he'd be a third wheel? I guess I did say I wasn't sure how I felt about Aiden, but Jagger has to know if I'd made up my mind to make a move, I wouldn't have tried to do that in front of him.

Speaking of moves, I'm not sure making one on Aiden is the best idea. Despite being smart, funny and cute, I don't feel a spark. That's not a deal breaker. I've hooked up with women without feeling one, the idea of sex being enough on its own to take action, so it's not impossible to imagine I could do the same with Aiden. And I did get a little excited last night when I pictured him giving me a blow job because—blow jobs.

But considering we exist in the same social circle, I'm not sure it makes sense to take this any further. Fooling around with someone you're unlikely to see again is vastly different than fooling around with someone you know you'll see regularly, so entertaining this idea could backfire in a big way. That said, what if this is one of those things that I won't realize I want until I try it? Maybe I would feel something if I just went for it .

"Cameron."

"Huh?" I blink the room back into focus when I hear my name spoken loudly.

"Did you take your picture?"

"Oh, right." I fish my phone out of my pocket and snap a few photos to show Jagger later, though as I scroll through them, I can't help thinking they're a poor reproduction of the real thing. Something you have to see in person to truly appreciate.

The thought is vaguely familiar. A whisper so faint, I have to strain to hear its message, and when it registers it's accompanied by an uncomfortable throbbing in my chest.

I said almost that exact thing to Jagger yesterday, when I was telling him about a joke I made.

Racing through years of memories, I can't find a single one where I said those words. I can't recall a time when he wasn't right by my side to witness whatever made me laugh, or think, or smile. Yet for the second time in as many days, I have something I want to share with him that he didn't observe firsthand.

The realization makes my body feel numb, like it's on the verge of falling asleep because it's being deprived of something vital to its survival.

Jagger has joked about us being codependent, but I never thought there was any truth behind it. I always thought of it as a self-deprecating way to shrug off comments about the two of us being joined at the hip. But standing here, a restless void making my extremities feel twitchy, I can't help thinking he might not have been joking at all.

Do we know how to function without each other? Can we?

If I feel like this only a few hours after I last saw him, what's going to happen after we graduate? After he finds someone to settle down with? After someone takes my place .

Logically, I know I'm overreacting. It's not like we've never been apart, but we've never consciously decided not to do something together. We may have had obligations take us in different directions, but we've never deliberately chosen different paths until this afternoon.

I fucking hate it.

But I'm going to have to get used to it.

It might not be tomorrow, next week, or next year, but it won't be long before we'll have to choose where life takes us. Or rather, I'll have to choose whether to follow Jagger wherever he goes, and I'm not sure that's as realistic to do anymore.

Is this what it will be like to break away from him? Sharing pictures that can never be enough because you just had to be there ?

I start when I feel a hand on my arm. "Are you okay?" Aiden asks. "You got a little white and unsteady."

"Yeah." I scrub a clammy hand down my face with a ragged exhale. "I think maybe my blood sugar is too low," I fib, "I didn't eat anything after our workout."

"Want to sit down?" Aiden gestures to one of the workstations. "I can grab you some chips or granola from the vending machine. Or we could go grab a bite?"

"Vending machine is probably safer." I sink into the chair he pointed at, so he doesn't have to worry that I'll topple over.

While Aiden goes for snacks I concentrate on my breathing and try to get my heart back to its normal rhythm.

What kind of man panics at the thought of not having his best friend glued to his side?

This isn't like me. Between the two of us, I'm usually the rock. The one who gets leaned on, not the one who does the leaning. Yet, right now, I feel numb without Jagger here. And not just because of the fact I'm used to being a rock when he needs it, but because experiencing things without him just feels wrong .

After his dad left, mine stepped up to fill the void, so Jagger was right there for everything we did. Family vacations, outings to a game, so many dinners and overnights I can't even count them. Jagger was there for all of it. From the trivial to the monumental, he was always right there, and it fucking hurts that he isn't here now.

"I'm hoping you don't have a nut allergy." Aiden hands me a bag of peanuts and a drink. "And I think I remember hearing orange juice is supposed to be good when your sugar's low."

"Thanks." I uncap the juice and take several large swallows.

"Does that happen often? Getting dizzy after a workout?"

"First time." I lower my eyes to the bag of nuts in my hand, breathing in their salty aroma to clear the fog in my mind. "I usually go straight home and have a protein shake." A shake that I share with Jagger, since he goes straight to the shower and would forget about it completely.

I wonder if he got one today? If he's feeling foggy from not eating after a workout, or experiencing the weight of the two of us being in two different places.

"Does the juice help?"

"Yeah. Thanks." I take a few more sips and eat a handful of nuts, which if nothing else gives me something to do other than freak out about the fact that if I'm not with Jagger, if I'm not taking care of Jagger, I don't know what to do with my life

Is it better to start preparing for that eventuality now, or live in denial until the last conceivable second, doubling down to spend as much time with him as possible ?

Maybe he's already made that call, and making himself scarce is his way of hinting that it's time we start functioning like two different people.

Screw that.

He doesn't get to decide that without me. We have two, maybe three years before we'll be forced to decide where we want our lives to go, and I don't plan on spending that time slowly pulling away from the most important person in my life just so it'll be easier to handle being away from each other when the time comes.

I'm not letting go yet.