5. Cameron

Cameron

" I just can't picture sitting at a desk all day," I tell Aiden when he describes what you can do with a computer engineering degree. "And staring at a screen on top of that? No thank you."

"Are you telling me you don't sit in front of a screen for hours at a time playing video games? I saw the setup in there, and Bennet says it's yours."

I fight to swallow a gulp of beer without coughing—they brought good stuff—and shake my head. "That's different. It's gaming, not numbers and equations and shit."

"You mean coding, and that's what's behind the graphics you see."

"I get that, but still… Numbers." I shake off the shiver the courses through me.

"It's not for everyone." Aiden gives me a wistful smile, which almost makes it seem like he's recalling fond memories of algorithms or something. Weird . Although, his smile is sort of cute.

Jagger shoves off my lap and strides purposefully inside, which I can only assume is because he's serious about me trying to hook up with Aiden. I guess he wasn't trying to cockblock me when he sat on my lap. Not that I want Aiden. Or that Jagger would actually try to cockblock me. He's probably just operating on autopilot, and I'm overthinking .

I sneak a glance at the man next to me, trying to assess how I feel about him. He's good-looking, with sandy blonde hair and big, chocolate-colored eyes that pull you in even when you're talking about math. And while he's not cut like the bodies I typically admire, he's tall and lean, which I do physically gravitate toward. Or would've if I ever pursued trying something with a guy.

Physically, I think I could be interested. But emotionally…

Wait, WTF? Why would that be a consideration? It never is with the women I hook up with. We go through the motions of flirting, fuck around, and go our separate ways.

Maybe that's why my mind went rogue. Aiden and I have a lot of friends in common, so we could never fully go our separate ways. Unless we had a friends-with-benefits arrangement—he used to have one of those with Liam and they're cool even now that Liam's dating Cruz—so I suppose it's possible he and I could have the same thing. But do I want that?

I have always been curious about hooking up with a man. I may have resigned myself to the fact that it would happen, but that doesn't mean I wasn't curious. And if Jagger thinks I should… I guess I could see where this conversation with Aiden goes.

"You uh, ever try to create a video game, or do you stick to whatever else it is you do?" I ask as the rest of the guys get sidetracked rehashing how faulty inflatable equipment may or may not have interfered with the outcome of our game.

The corner of his lip ticks up in a wry smirk. Yeah, most of what he said went over my head the first time around. "Mostly, it's the whatever else I do." He winks and I have to fight back the heat that rushes for my cheeks. "Which is making sure hardware and software work together seamlessly. "

"Yeah, that." Dropping my gaze, I scavenge my brain for something else to say but come up empty-handed. Lucky for me, Aiden seems to know where to take the conversation, or at least how to keep this mundane, small talk rolling.

"You know, I could build robots with what I'm learning."

I pause with my beer halfway to my mouth. "Shit, seriously? Is that what you want to do?"

Aiden lifts a shoulder. "Maybe. To start, I'd rather do something more practical, like making sure the software and hardware for prosthetic limbs functions correctly."

"Why didn't you lead with that when you were trying to explain computer engineering?"

"It makes me feel smart when people's eyes glaze over."

I bite back a chuckle. "You need to validate that? Cause I'm pretty sure using the terms computer and engineering in the same sentence are a dead giveaway."

"It's more like recalling images of confused people motivates me to keep pushing when I'm having trouble solving a problem." Aiden smiles around a sip of his beer.

"Like a spank bank except for academic inspiration." I beam at the analogy Jagger would love right as Aiden spews beer everywhere, coughing to the point I have to smack him on the back a few times to help clear his throat enough to breathe.

Yeah, that was funny enough to warrant a coughing fit. I wish Jagger had been here to see it.

"He okay over there?" Aiden's frat brother Jeff asks.

"Think so," I reply, rubbing circles on his back as he seems to catch his breath.

"I will never not associate porn with schoolwork now. Thanks for that," Aiden rasps, the wry smile he tries to give me loses some of its impact considering his face is red and tear streaked. It's not exactly a good look, but surprisingly it doesn't turn me off either.

He's not bad. He has a sense of humor and knows how to carry conversation. Maybe a friends with benefits situation isn't out of the question. Maybe I'll finally give in to my curiosity.

***

"You never came back outside." I flop onto the bed next to where Jagger's reclined, watching YouTube videos.

Even though he keeps a bean bag chair in here for me—like the kind in my room as a kid—I never use it. I think when we got them for our dorm last year, we were subconsciously recreating our hang out space in my childhood bedroom. But the dorm was tiny compared to my old room, so the chairs got shoved under our beds. Since we have actual furniture in the living room and we're in the habit of lounging on each other's beds, they mostly just take up space. Still, neither of us seems ready to part with them completely.

"I had an idea for a video, and I wanted to write it down," Jagger says as he scrolls to another clip.

"Speaking of inspiration, Aiden was telling me what he pictures to motivate himself to study hard, and I said it sounds like he has a spank bank for academic purposes. It shocked him so much, I basically had to give him the Heimlich." The words are muddled since I'm laughing so hard, but Jagger will understand them. Or maybe not, seeing as he's not cracking up with me. Instead, he's staring at me like he's never seen me before. "Oh, God. I uh…" My laughter trails off as I clear my throat and try to speak evenly. "I guess you had to be there."

"I guess so," Jagger says absently .

His funk usually is contained to the anniversary of when his dad skipped out, but seeing as he just rolled his eyes at me and couldn't look more unenthused to hear about Aiden spewing across the yard… I don't know. Yesterday marked a decade since that asshat left his family, so maybe it's hitting harder this year.

"What's your idea for a video? A juicing recipe?"

"Ugh, I totally forgot about that." He drops his phone to his chest.

Typical .

"We bought a juicer yesterday and you forgot about it?" I lick the tip of my finger and stick it in his ear.

"Gah! Stop." He swats my hand away as he bolts upright. "I had other things on my mind."

"I get it. I'm sure it was hard to concentrate."

"Hey, I didn't give you a ha…rough time about liking dicks when you discovered them." He rubs his ear furiously, as if that will make it any less uncomfortable.

"That's because I—"

"Yeah, because you didn't tell me."

"Do you want to give me some shit?" I hold my hands out like I'm surrendering. "Go ahead, take a shot. I deserve it."

He punches me in the arm. "I'm not going to trash talk you about liking dicks."

"Because you support me?" I rub my arm.

"Duh," he says after a suspicious pause, but since he's staring me in the eye, I don't think that delay has anything to do with me. He doesn't see me differently today than he did yesterday, but something has him distracted, and I have a pretty good guess what that is.

When Jagger finds a thread, he pulls it as far as it'll go. And in his quest to explore his newfound knowledge of prostates, he must have stumbled on something that he can't let go of until he gets to the bottom of it. No pun intended.

"Spill, Kitcat. What has you all in your head?"

A familiar little wrinkle appears on Jagger's forehead, his telltale sign that he's wrestling with what to say or how to word it. I wait patiently for the explanation to take shape in his head, knowing that if I push, I'll only make it harder for him to get his thoughts straight.

"So, you like dicks, and you know all sorts of shit about prostates, but how do you know if you'll like those two things together?"

"Are you asking if I'd be a bottom?"

"Maybe?" He chews on his lip as his gaze seems to go a little vacant. "No, I'm asking if you've ever felt your prostate go off. Like, what I've seen isn't just acting, it's really as incredible as they make it look."

"Do you think Liam was acting?"

"No, but there are some people who like it and some who don't. Obviously, he's the kind that likes it. But if you aren't gonna like it… I just want to know if it's really worth the hassle of exploring it, you know?"

"Why ask me? You know I've never hooked up with a guy. Ask Liam. Or Cruz."

"They're not my best friend. Besides, the fact you've never hooked up with a guy doesn't mean you haven't… felt it."

"Fine." I rub my hand over my face. "I've felt it, and yes, it's worth it."

Jagger nods absently, like I've given him the answer he expected, though the wrinkle that's still on his brow suggests he's not done with the questions.

"Tell me you're not asking for a lesson in how to stimulate your prostate," I say, dragging my hand down my face.

"Can't." His shoulders rise and fall as he lets out a resigned breath .

"I'm not exactly an expert here, Kitcat."

"Just tell me how to reach it then."

"Stick your fingers up your ass."

Jagger grabs his pillow and whacks me over the head. "Be serious."

"I am. Stick your fingers up there, wiggle ‘em around, you'll know when you find it."

"You're not at all helpful," he grumbles.

"Told you, I'm not an expert. Maybe after I hook up with a guy I'll know better, but—"

" After you hook up with a guy? You decided to do it, just like that? With Aiden?" Jagger's eyes are way too wide for that to be an innocent question.

"Why do you sound so scandalized? You said I should think about it so I'm thinking about it."

"I'm not scandalized, just surprised you made up your mind so quickly. So, he's into it?"

"No idea. I didn't make a move or anything, just asked myself if I could see it happening."

"And?"

"And I guess I could. He's cool. Pretty cute."

"So, you feel sparks and shit?"

I rub the back of my neck, which suddenly feels uncomfortably hot. "I wouldn't go that far, but he doesn't turn me off. Even when he's practically choking on air. Seriously, it was hilarious. You should've seen it." My chest shakes with the effort of holding in my laughter.

"Oh my God, you're picturing him choking on your dick."

"I wasn't," I sputter as my neck heats even more, "but now I am."

"Seriously? I was kidding. And… Holy shit!" He glances at my lap, and the slight bulge under my shorts. "That's turning you on?"

"The idea of getting a blow job from a cute guy? Duh."

"I thought Aiden wasn't your type? That you liked athletes?"

"Athletic physiques, not athletes specifically. And why would you suggest hooking up with him if you didn't think he was my type?"

"He's the only single gay guy I know, Camelot." Jagger rolls his eyes like that's obvious, but something about that gesture seems off. Like it was forced instead of a reflex. Weird .

"Kitcat, if it was as easy as being single and gay, don't you think I'd have hooked up with someone by now?"

"How should I know? It's as easy as being single and straight when we hook up with girls."

Fuck, he's got me there. But I can't exactly tell him I'm not worried about a girl coming between us the way I worry about a guy doing the same, and that's why hooking up with one isn't as easy.

"Yeah, that's fair. I get why you'd suggest him then."

"You're really into him?" Jagger licks his lips, and not in the sexy way he does when he's flirting. It makes my stomach a little queasy.

"It was one conversation."

"Yeah, but you were just picturing him sucking your dick."

I was, and now I'm wishing I hadn't done that in front of Jagger. My best friend has been a little weird ever since. Even if he doesn't care that I'm into guys, seeing me get excited over one may be too much. Or maybe it's the idea of me hooking up with someone in our friend group and having things get weird that he doesn't like—which come to think of it could be a major complication. Still, I have to give Jagger credit for putting an effort toward supporting me. If he wasn't making an honest attempt, he wouldn't have suggested Aiden in the first place.

However, none of that has anything to do with me keeping the fact I'm bi from Jagger, and after this, I still feel like I'd made the right decision. If he's overreacting or overcomplicating things now, I could only imagine how it would've been in high school. A part of me wishes that I would've kept it to myself still. Then things could be business as normal and not awkwardly charged like they are now.

I can't take it back though. I just have to see it through.

"Like you don't picture girls sucking your dick." I give him a halfhearted shove, just enough that he has to brace his hand on the bed to stop himself from topping over.

"I do that when I plan to make it happen. So, that's what you want then? With Aiden?"

"I don't know Kitcat." I finally let myself meet his gaze, startling a bit when I find it just as uncertain as I bet mine is. "Part of me thinks why not, and part of me thinks that's a bad idea since we have so many friends in common. Maybe I should find someone else."

"If you think that's best." Jagger bobs his head up and down solemnly, like he reluctantly agrees. "Yeah. Totally makes sense." Then he hits me with a bunch of rapid-fire questions about toys, which don't stop until I have his arm pinned behind his back and he hollers uncle .