3. Cameron

Cameron

M y cock may have deflated somewhat, but my heart is still pounding like there's a drum inside my chest. How can anyone play a video game under these conditions? I'm in duress, yet not, and I don't know how to explain it. My hands are shaky. My muscles are weak. Everything tingles like the air is tinged with electricity, sort of like it is before a storm.

Jagger thinks he might be interested in dicks… I never thought I'd see this day, and I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry.

Being interested in men isn't new to me, but I've never indulged my curiosity in them because it felt like it'd be a betrayal to Jagger, even though that's not how things are between us. I can't explain it other than to say that it's impossible for me to envision being closer to another man than I am to him, even if that closeness is strictly platonic. It wouldn't be fair to anyone when Jagger takes up so much space in my life.

With women, it's different. They don't mind being around him or would happily bring a friend. So, I sort of resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably never explore the bi side of my sexuality, but now it seems possible that everything has changed. In fact, he wants to explore that with me.

Thank God my roommates walked in when they did. I've never been able to say no to Jagger, and saying yes in this particular instance is something I shouldn't do on a whim.

But would I ever really tell him no?

Thanks to my shaky hands, I accidently select the wrong play from the options on the screen, and instead of running the ball, I throw a pass that's easily intercepted and run back for a touchdown.

Fuck!

I let my head fall to the back of the couch with a heavy exhale, hoping that with my airway open it'll be easier to breathe.

"How long?" The cushion next to me shifts as Liam takes a seat.

I roll my head to the side so I can see him. "How long what?"

"How long have you been in love with him?"

Sitting abruptly, I look around the room to see who might've heard that.

Liam interprets my panic with a sympathetic smile. "Cruz walked down the street to grab some food. And Jagger's doing his thing in the shower."

Releasing a stilted breath, I sink back into the cushions and study my new roommate, who's wearing an expression that borders on pity. Fuck .

"I'm not. Not the way you're thinking at least."

"What am I thinking?"

"That I've been pining away for Jagger for years."

"So you don't love him?" Liam's brows rise in challenge.

"Of course I do. He's my best friend." The way Liam's eyes narrow tells me he doesn't buy that, and I get why considering what he almost walked in on. But it really isn't like that. Could I love Jagger? Absolutely. But that's never gonna be our reality so I've never let my mind wander to a place where it is, and I'm not pining away for that. "Trust me. I know where the line is."

"Is the line under or over your briefs?"

"That was…" I run a nervous hand through my hair. "There are things you don't know about Jagger's past. Things that make today an especially rough day for him, so he's not exactly himself."

"And you're okay to let him not be himself at your expense?" Liam asks softly.

"I'm his best friend."

Liam locks and unlocks his jaw as his gaze bores into mine like he's preparing to let me have it, which is unnerving since my size should be intimidating to him, but apparently isn't. "Did Cruz and I ever tell you how we figured out we were into each other?"

The subject change has my brows pulling together. "No."

"I broke my wrist, which really got in the way of my self-care if you know what I mean, and he offered to give me a hand."

I choke back an amused snort. "Are you saying…?"

"Yes." His cheeks turn a little pink, but that doesn't stop him from talking. "Cruz has a bit of a hero complex, so he thought he was doing me a favor, which he justified by saying friends look out for each other."

"Friends do look out for each other."

Liam arches a knowing brow. "By jerking each other off? If that's a common thing for platonic friends to do, I must've had the wrong friends as a kid."

I roll my eyes dramatically since we both know that's ridiculous. "What's your point?"

"Just that since friends typically don't go around jerking each other off, going down that road might mean things aren't as platonic as you think. "

That is not a seed I need Liam to be planting right now. Jagger wasn't asking to see my dick because it's mine , he was asking because he's confused, and when he's confused or angry or scared or...whatever, he comes to me. That's been our dynamic for nearly a decade, since the day his dad left. Just because this time it's about sex doesn't automatically mean he's seeing me differently, or that I'm seeing him differently.

This is just his latest rabbit hole.

Yes, the fact that it involves sex makes this somewhat complicated, and I admit I was shocked when he first brought it up. But it's not like we're talking about intimate shit like kissing or fucking here. Just a little peek. Or a quick rub.

Could something as mundane as a hand job change our dynamic? It could , sure. Only if we let it though, and I've gotten pretty good over the years both at putting Jagger in the friend zone and fucking people without feelings attached. Besides, I've watched him sleep with at least a dozen women and that never made things weird, so I doubt showing him my cock would be any different.

"I hear you, but if Jagger's going through some shit, I'd rather he go through it with me than someone who doesn't look out for him the way I do."

"You can do that without complicating things between you?" Liam asks.

"I told you, I know where the line is."

Liam traps his lips between his teeth, nodding his head almost imperceptibly, like he's resigned himself to some horrible fate. "Speaking from experience, I know how easy it is to keep pushing that line further and further down the road once you get close enough to it. Just be careful, okay? "

I get that he thinks he's helping me, but this is Jagger we're talking about. After everything we've been through together, a silly little thing like bi-curiosity won't be an issue.

"It's all under control. Thanks for looking out though." I turn back to my game and spend the next hour getting my ass handed to me by a computer.

***

It's close to midnight when Jagger finally tiptoes into my room and climbs in bed next to me, the scent of his bergamot body wash hitting my nose as the mattress dips under his weight.

Though I've come to associate the smell with him, it never fails to amuse me that he has no idea what bergamot is, he just thought it sounded interesting, and he's too stubborn to admit he might like something like mint or pine better. The mix of sweet and spice suits him though, since his personality is a bit of both.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since he rushed from the room earlier to shower out his frustrations, if that's what he even did. My money's on a cold shower, followed by taking a deeper dive into the whole ‘do I like dicks' thing by spending some more time on Google, and while I normally try to keep him out of his head on the anniversary of his dad's vanishing act, today I got the sense he needed some space.

So, I don't question what he's been doing all afternoon. I just tuck him against my side, his head nestled against my chest, and pull the covers over us like I always do when he sneaks into my bed and wait for him to say something .

Usually, that wait isn't more than a few minutes, but tonight, I'm nearly asleep by the time he speaks up. "How come you never told me you like guys?"

"Are you freaking out about being in my bed right now?"

"No. Nothing's different for us, I just want to know why you didn't tell me. And don't give me that straight excuse either. You know I'd talk to you about guys. I'd talk about anything that's important to you."

Jagger's head moves with my chest as I inhale and let out a deep breath. The truth, about not being able to picture myself being close to another man, might not be interpreted the way I intend.

"I wasn't sure I'd ever do anything about it, so it didn't seem worth bringing up."

"That makes it sound like you aren't really into dicks. If you've never tested this, how can you be sure you like them?"

I gnaw on my lip as I try to find the right words, which makes my jaw brush against Jagger's hair.

Without lifting his head, he presses his palm to my chin to stop that nervous tic. "Stop thinking and just answer."

"I prefer gay porn to straight porn."

"Seriously?" Jagger props himself up on an elbow so he can see my face. "Camelot, I've jerked off in the same room as you for the last year—"

"I wasn't watching," I interrupt. "Most of the time I was asleep anyway. Or I'd put in my earbuds."

Jagger likes a release in the mornings when he has time for it, which isn't often for college athletes. But on the rare days we could sleep in, I'd usually wake up to him rubbing one out. It was kinda hard to miss since we shared a dorm room, but I'd give him his privacy by pretending to be asleep .

"Not the point. I would've… I would've been more discreet or some shit if I knew that was your thing."

"I thought you said me liking dicks doesn't change things between us. I would never ogle your junk without you knowing like some perv."

The moonlight is just bright enough through the gap in the blinds to make out the whites of his eyes as he rolls them dramatically. "I don't care if you see my junk. I meant I wouldn't have put you in a position where you might've got turned on."

"I didn't."

"Hold up? You like gay porn but a guy jerking off next to you does nothing?" I can't see Jagger well enough to verify his expression, but it almost sounds like he's offended by that. Where did his mind go while he was by himself?

"I told you, I wasn't paying attention to you." If I had been this might be a very different conversation since Jagger's sexy as hell when he fucks, so I wasn't about to indulge in his solo sessions and risk giving myself crazy ideas. Watching him with a woman is as far as I'll let that shit go.

"You like dicks, but didn't want to check out mine?" Again, with that offended tone.

"You're straight, Jagger. Or at least you thought you were." My brow furrows before I can stop it. "I wasn't gonna screw up our friendship by blurring the lines. Besides, you kinda hate how everyone looks at you like you're a piece of meat."

"I do not. It's how I get laid."

"You like that your looks make the pursuit easy, but you hate when people try to bribe you into a good time. It reminds you of your dad, and you don't want to be him, so you don't look twice at anyone who tries to buy a turn on your dick with special favors. You know that with great sex appeal comes great responsibility. "

I see a hint of white teeth as Jagger's jaw falls open. "Did you just quote spiderman logic at me but for sex?"

"Maybe."

"Okay that was pretty impressive, but am I responsible though? I fuck around just as much as my dad. Meaningless hookups with women who are probably pretty cool, but I never bother to find out."

"Kitcat." I tug his arm so he takes his weight off it and puts his head back next to my chest. "We were ten when your dad left, so we don't really know how much he fucked around. What we know is all based on rumors and speculation. The issue with your dad was that he was married and blatantly hooking up with people to get what he wanted from them. He used them to further his own interests. You're using women for a good time, same as they're doing to you. Have you ever once promised more than a night, or asked for anything in return?"

"What about that girl who had concert tickets to Coachella?"

"She offered those after you fucked her, and you turned her down."

"I went to a football game with that other girl, what's her name…"

"You already had a ticket for that game, you just took hers and gave your original away. You didn't use her to gain anything."

"Maybe not." I feel his jaw shift slightly as he swallows. "Still, I probably screw around too much."

Now we're back on familiar territory. He goes down this path every year.

"There's nothing wrong with liking sex." I squeeze him to me with the arm he's lying on.

"Except that's all people want from me. Maybe that's all I'm good for."

That's a new angle. Every other year he's gone on a tangent about feeling guilty. The offended tone makes sense now. He thinks sex is all he's good for and I told him he didn't turn me on .

It's times like these when I hate Jagger's dad the most. My best friend shouldn't be defined by what's on the outside. Sure, he's a beautiful man, but that's not even close to all he is. Loyal, hardworking, considerate—those are just a few of his admirable traits, but he's also smart, athletically gifted, and goofy.

If he wasn't plagued by the constant fear of repeating his dad's mistakes, he probably wouldn't be so dependent on me, and while part of me likes taking care of him, I'd give that up to see him be as fearless as he was when we were little kids.

"Bullshit," I tell him. "You're also good for catching passes, telling people how to take care of their bodies, supporting your teammates, making me laugh, and being the best damn friend on the planet."

"You have to say those things," he mumbles softly, pouting, though I can feel his mouth trying to smile anyway. "It's best friend code."

"It's the truth, Kitcat. You're nothing like your dad, and you shouldn't feel guilty about doing something pretty much every college student is doing anyway."

He sighs and snuggles closer, giving the impression this episode of ‘am I like my father' is over. But he's not done talking.

"Have you really liked girls all this time?"

"Of course." My fingers find his hair, and I play with the silky strands to get him to relax enough to sleep. "Tits are sexy as fuck. But a hard dick gets me going just as much. Maybe even a little more if I need inspiration when I'm by myself."

"Will you try it?" Jagger asks.

"Try what?"

"Hooking up with a guy."

My hands still. "Depends on the guy, I guess."

"And you've never found a guy you wanted to try hooking up with? "

Again, the truth about that might be too much, but there's another explanation I can give him that's just as true as the fact I can't picture myself ever getting serious about a guy. "I'm pickier about guys than girls."

"How so?"

My fingers resume toying with Jagger's hair since the absentminded motion helps me think. "I like brown hair regardless, but I don't really care what size women are. Tall, short, skinny, curvy, I like all of it. With men, I'd want someone close to my size. The appeal of being with a guy, for me, is that you don't have to be gentle, so I wouldn't want someone drastically smaller or weaker than I am."

"You just described most of our teammates."

"Yeah," I chuckle softly. "I guess athletes are my type, but I'm not gonna randomly hook up with the guys I play with just to say I've been with a man. Besides, I'm not sure any of them are gay or bi."

"What about that guy Aiden, Liam's friends with? The one in Bennet's fraternity. He's cute, right? And kinda tall."

Aiden is cute and tall, with light hair and warm, dark eyes. I've never really felt a pull toward him, although I wasn't searching for one either. I guess maybe I could open my mind to that possibility, and if Jagger's encouraging me to do it, it wouldn't be a betrayal of our friendship.

"Yeah, maybe," I muse since I'm not ready to commit to that idea. "And you? Did you get to the bottom of your prostate orgasm rabbit hole?"

"I'm not sure yet," he says softly, wriggling a little closer to signal he's done talking. This time, as Jagger falls silent, his steady breathing tells me he's asleep, and I'm not far behind.