29. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

C onnor called an impromptu meeting with the remaining two-thirds of high-wolf society. Those still in attendance were most of his advisors, Kestrel, Selene and Layla, Randall, and me. I hadn't wanted to attend, but curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to know what they thought about so many members leaving.

"I'm pleased you have all stayed despite the actions of the others," he said. "With them gone, it means other members can be introduced, and more power distributed among you who remain. We need a new general, and I need at least three new advisors. I will be taking suggestions for who would be fit for these roles."

Silence answered him. It didn't surprise me that Michael was quiet—he was already one of Connor's advisors, and Sheila had no desire to do any work.

But with Kestrel right at his side, no one else wanted to speak up. They were either content with their roles—unlikely considering how cutthroat this system could be—or they were afraid of getting closer to Kestrel. Either way, the silence was getting to Connor.

His face reddened the longer he was up on the stage. "Fine. I'll bite. What kinds of incentives can I offer you that would put you on my side?"

I clamped my lips together to stop the gasp that wanted to escape. How could he be so stupid? Didn't he know that showing any weakness to these people put him at risk? Apparently, the answer was no. Connor couldn't see that he'd just put himself at their mercy. He couldn't smell that it was his own blood in the water as members started speaking up.

They would see the writing on the wall. It was pathetic to watch in real time, but I was glad I'd attended. This showed that Connor was desperate, and all of high-wolf society knew it. When it got down to it, most of the allies wouldn't have his back when the rebellion started. They were here only to get as much money out of him as they could before fleeing like rats to the mainland.

I didn't feel an ounce of pity for him.

He tried to speak to me after the meeting again, but I avoided him. Kestrel was right there, after all, and being around her made my skin crawl. Besides, I had work to do. Penny was still consumed in her grief, and I wanted to make sure she wasn't behind when she returned to work.

I grabbed work from her study and instead of going to the library, I went to my room. I didn't want to risk waking up to Kestrel again, and I wanted to be somewhere I felt a bit of peace.

Hours after I started working, Theodora came by. She looked grave, and a bit reluctant. It immediately put me on edge.

"What's up, Theo?" I asked.

"I was just talking to Randall, and he told me he saw Asher last night."

My chest constricted. I still hadn't had the chance to see him or talk to him. I'd managed to ignore my longing for him, but I couldn't ignore it anymore.

"What was he doing?" I asked, not trying to hide my eagerness. "Where was he?"

"He was inside the manor without Connor's permission and…" She hesitated then the words tumbled out of her. "And he came here to kill Connor."

My mouth dropped open, then it closed. I was slow to process what she'd just told me. Asher had come to the manor to kill Connor? Didn't he know how close we were to the end of this?

"Randall stopped him and talked sense into him. He sent him back to his cabin, and things were quiet for the rest of the night."

"I see," I said in a humorless monotone.

It was a relief nothing had come of it, but what if he'd succeeded? If he'd killed Connor now, right when everything was beginning to come together, it could have set us back for months—years, maybe. Penny wasn't ready to take on the role of alpha yet, and there were still too many members of high-wolf society around. They would be more in running for the role than Penny, myself, or even Selene or Randall. It would be a mad dash for the seat, and when the dust cleared, it would be impossible to predict who would come out the victor.

"I hope I haven't worried you," Theo continued. "I just had to tell you because, you know, it's relevant, but I hope this isn't too overwhelming considering everything you've got on your plate?—"

"Thanks, Theo," I cut her off. Guilt lanced through my chest, but I didn't apologize. "I really appreciate you telling me what he almost did, but I want to hear this from Asher's mouth."

Theo sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and stepped aside to let me walk past. I sprinkled more of the pix powder on me, then went to see Asher at the shed. I knocked on his door.

"It's me," I said, announcing myself so he would see through the illusion. "We need to talk. Now."

He pulled open the door.

"Asher," I began, but then stopped. He was shirtless, which allowed me to see every bruise that marred his smooth, tan skin. He had a black eye that had swollen a bit. The purple skin made me want to burst into tears. He'd been through so much?—

"What do you want, Phaedra?"

He might as well have slapped me across the face. That hurt was quickly overshadowed with indignation. He had almost ruined everything, and even though I empathized with his rage, if Randall hadn't been there, he would have unraveled weeks of careful planning and work.

I would never have expected him to get so close to becoming an obstacle.

"What do I want?" I repeated, walking around him into the shed so he could close the door behind me. "I heard about what you almost did last night."

At least he had the decency to wince. He probably hadn't thought I'd find out.

"Where did you hear that?"

"Does it matter, Asher?"

"When it comes to my business, it absolutely does matter, Phaedra. Tell me who told you?—"

"Why? So you can seethe at me about a lack of loyalty? Or change the subject? It doesn't matter, Asher." I tugged at my hair in frustration. "I can't believe you would do this when we're making progress. It was incredibly unfair for you to attempt that when everyone has been working so hard."

His frown turned into a glower. "My uncle was killed right in front of me. You expected me to do nothing?"

It was my turn to wince. Of course, I'd known Garrett was the cause, but having him bring it up right away gave me pause. "I know. I… I was hoping you would come and see me, but you never?—"

"You shouldn't have hoped for anything from me." His voice was curt, clipped. "I was grieving with my pack."

The slight emphasis he put on those last words made me take a step back. I thought I was his. I thought he felt stronger when we were together. Didn't I belong with him? If so, why did he keep treating me like an outsider?

"Maybe that's the real reason you're upset," he said. "Nothing happened last night. Randall talked some sense into me, everything is fine, but here you are yelling at me. I can't go back in time and undo what I did, Phaedra."

His words were like shards of glass striking across my face, but I wasn't backing down. "I know you can't," I retorted in as clipped a voice as his. "But I have every right to be upset. And the fact that you didn't let me comfort you has nothing to do with this."

"I'm not so sure about that. You said I didn't ‘let you' comfort me? Are you entitled to my pain, Phaedra?"

"I—" I hesitated, but then pushed forward. "If we're trying to be mates, I'm not entitled to it, but I want to be there for you when you're hurting. I wish you'd just come and talk to me instead of going off on your own, but you've been pushing me away, and you refuse to talk to me."

He continued to frown at me, but after a few moments of tense silence, he deflated, his breath rushing out of him. It was like he'd just exhaled his soul. He looked so much older and more tired than his age would suggest.

When he looked at me again, I felt a tightening in my gut. I read in his eyes that he'd resigned himself to something, and I knew I needed to brace for it.

"I'm tired, Phaedra," he said. "You're right, I've been pushing you away. I don't think we should keep trying."

"What do you mean?" But I knew exactly what he meant.

"We shouldn't have tried to get back together. The mate marks are gone, and so is our bond. Why are we still trying so hard to make this work?"

"Don't—" I wanted to tell him to take it back, that he couldn't mean that. But part of me felt I deserved to feel the squeezing pain in my chest and the pressure behind my eyes. My wolf howled, but even that couldn't convince me to speak.

His arm moved at his side, and I was sure he was going to touch me, which was all I needed, just to sink into his embrace and let loose some of this pressure that had been building inside me—but I was wrong. He was just reaching toward one of the bruises on his arm, rubbing it because it must have been aching.

Goddess, what was I doing?

"It's true, isn't it?" he asked. "Look how I'm speaking to you, how I've been neglecting you. It's wrong for me to treat you like this, to try and pretend you're in the wrong for being angry." His eyes dropped, and his shoulders drooped. "I'm not good for you."

"That's not true, Asher. You're in pain, and if you just let me in, I can?—"

"No one can take this pain away, Phaedra. I won't be at peace until Connor is dead and my pack is free. I thought I could have ended all of this last night by killing him, but I was an idiot. I think… we should stop doing this."

"Doing what?" I whispered. I wasn't sure how I was still standing when my knees threatened to buckle with every word he spoke.

"We should stop meeting without the others. The only time we should be alone is to discuss strategy."

And that was it. He was putting an end to the relationship while it was still in its tenderest stage. I wanted to scream and cry and beg him to take it all back… but I could never do that to him. His mind was clearly made up, and pretending otherwise would be a waste of time.

When I had insisted we dissolve our bond, he'd taken it gracefully. I needed to do the same. So, I sucked in the pain and nodded. "All right."

"All right," he said.

We stood only a few feet away from each other, yet somehow, in the close quarters of the shed, I felt more alone than I had in weeks.

"I should go before the pix powder wears off," I said, needing to fill the painful silence that sat between us. We both knew it wouldn't expire for hours yet. "I, um… I'm going to leave. Have a good night."

"You, too," he said.

I turned away from him and went to the door. I prayed with every movement that he would stop me, pull me into his arms, do something… but he didn't. He let me push open the door and walk through the chilly night back to the manor without saying another word.