25. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

I found myself in that white space again. Mara was sitting in the chair, this time properly, with her legs crossed and her hair gathered over her shoulder. I couldn't help blushing in her presence. I felt like I had when my parents introduced me to an esteemed member of their family when I was just a kid: shy, respectful, withdrawn, greeting them from behind my mother's skirt.

But this expanse of white did not allow for any hiding, and I was far too old for that anyway. I pulled my shoulders back and straightened my spine, preparing to give her a formal greeting—one hopefully befitting a goddess.

"So, I see you have made no progress practicing your craft."

"I—" I paused, my greeting and trepidation dying on my tongue, annoyance rising in its place. Why did she have to be so combative? I was her niece, right? Was Mara just determined to be as unpleasant and cryptic toward me as possible? I wanted to ask these things, but did I dare question a goddess? She could torment or even kill me if she wanted.

"I don't know how," I said, stuffing my annoyance down deep the same way I did when interacting with any member of high- wolf society. "I don't know anyone who practices magic who can teach me. If you could tell me?—"

"No one can teach you how to start," she said, rolling her eyes. "I can help you steer your powers once you can summon them at will, but until then, you have to figure out how to summon them."

"Okay," I said slowly. "But if I don't know how to access them, how can I be of any help to you, or to myself against whatever threat is after me?"

"Then, you are doomed, and so are your friends."

My annoyance rocketed at her cavalier attitude as if I would ever intentionally put them in any sort of danger. "Forgive me for saying this, Goddess Mara, but that isn't very helpful. I want to protect my friends and myself, so if you could give me any tips, I'd appreciate it. How did you learn to harness your powers when you were young?"

She sighed. "I've never had to learn. I've known how to do magic for as long as I've existed."

"Oh."

She leaned back in her chair and played with the ends of her hair. "What do mortals do when they want to relax or focus?"

"I'm actually not sure. Meditate, I think."

"Great. Try that. Try and summon the powers to you and harness them that way. I hope the next time we meet you'll be able to show me something."

"Wait," I said, sensing she was about to end the dream. "I have questions about Holo, about Emerys. I want to know what the gods are like."

She stared at me as if I were speaking another language. "Why would you want to know about a place you'll never go?"

My heartbeat stuttered, and I gasped. "The dead don't go to Emerys?"

"The souls of mortals go to the same place where they originated. Gods, when they die, go the place where they originated, too. We don't know where or what either place is."

"The gods used to let wolves into Emerys?—"

"There are no more wolves in Emerys, and never again will a pack be allowed to cross that bridge."

Just as suddenly as I was thrust into the white space, I was sent back to consciousness. Mara's voice still echoed in my mind, and I turned on my side toward where Asher was supposed to be, but of course, he wasn't there. He was still in that cold, uncomfortable shed, but his scent was all over me. I tugged my shirt up to my nose, breathing in deeply and committing his scent to memory, though there was no way I could forget it.

I replayed every precious moment of the night before, but as I thought about our lovemaking, my memory expanded to include last night's meeting. I was glad I'd told everyone I was Holo's daughter because now we were all on the same page, but telling them hadn't really given me direction for how to summon my powers.

Sitting up, I shook my messy hair out of my face. Maybe I could start with the glass of water on my nightstand. I squinted at the glass, willing it to break, but nothing happened.

Reluctantly, I picked up the glass, being careful not to spill the cool water all over myself. I closed my eyes and took a few deep, calming breaths. When I opened them again, I stared hard at the glass.

Move . But the water stayed still.

I felt the frustration rising inside me, but I tried to let it go just as quickly.

"You are water," I told the glass. "Constantly flowing and moving because you're liquid, right? So, you probably already want to move. You just need to know… where? Or maybe how?"

I took another breath and tried to imagine the water moving up over the rim of the cup. There was an answering tickle in the deepest part of my stomach. I wasn't sure if that meant it was working, but I concentrated on that tickle. Okay, now that the water was theoretically over the rim of the glass, where did it go? Maybe I could make a sphere of water? Or a shaft of it extending toward the ceiling? Or maybe?—

A sharp pain stabbed me at the nape of my neck. I winced, and then I winced again as cold water hit my lap. When I opened my eyes, there was a dark stain spreading in my sheets. For a moment, confusion took hold of me. Was that from my attempt to control the water, or had I jostled the cup?

I closed my eyes to try again, but the pain returned, and as far as I could tell, I wasn't moving the water anymore—if I had moved it at all. Groaning in frustration, I rubbed at the spot where the headache had formed. Maybe this was my sign to stop and do some work. I'd try to move the water again later.

Once I'd showered and dressed, I left the room. A guard rushed past my door, dragging one of the healers along behind them.

They were headed toward Penny's end of the manor. My heart started racing, dread roiling in my stomach. Was Penny hurt?

I rushed after them, but they didn't stop at Penny's rooms. They raced farther down the hall, then pushed into Miranda's room. Penny was in there, standing in the corner, holding Theodora tightly by her shoulders. The healer moved over to the bed and checked Miranda's pulse. Grim-faced, he started hooking her up to an IV.

When Penny looked at me, her eyes wide and moist with tears, I had a pretty good idea what must have happened. Miranda hadn't been eating, and from what Penny had said, she was growing thinner by the day. Her body had finally given out.

The physician did all he could for her, but she was too weak for treatment to work. Miranda wouldn't open her eyes no matter who tried to wake her.

Miranda died a few hours later, with Connor, Penny, and the physician at her side.

The funeral was a few days later, and much like Edgar's funeral, it was long and filled with fanfare. Edgar's former right-hand gave the eulogy, just like he had for Edgar. He spoke about Emerys and how happy he was that Miranda and Edgar would be meeting each other there and be reunited with their fallen family members.

"Connor and Penny Salcedo are left to carry on their legacy," he said. "And I'm sure Edgar and Miranda can't wait to see what their children do with it."

I stood between the siblings. It was customary for them to stand side by side the way they had at Edgar's funeral, with me as Connor's future mate standing next to him, but Penny had asked me to stand between them. She wasn't sure she'd be able to keep her composure next to him, and she'd wanted to hold my hand.

Connor had his arm around my shoulders and was holding me close. I allowed it for appearance's sake, and to be honest, I pitied him. His decision to kill his father had resulted also in the death of his mother. Her choice not to eat, to join her lover in the next life, was a lot to handle. I didn't like him, but I could give him this much as a kindness, couldn't I?

Over the next couple of days, high-wolf society saw an exodus of unprecedented levels. With Miranda's death, many members had decided there was no reason to stick around. I was surprised so many members had felt loyalty to her, but when I realized that none of them came to visit her while she was sick, I understood it wasn't loyalty but obligation.

Miranda had been through so much, but to my knowledge, not even the lovers she and Edgar shared had come to see her. I was glad that neither Miranda nor Edgar were alive to hear of this, because they would recognize it for what it was. Among those leaving were Rose and her husband, as well as my parents.

"Come with us," my mother urged when she and my father had come to see me at the manor.

"No," I said.

My parents shifted from foot to foot, stirring at my directness. "Phaedra, we know we haven't done the best by you as parents," my father said. "When we took you in, we wanted to make sure you had the best life, but maybe we were too harsh, hoped for too much."

"We should have been there for you," my mother added. "Please, let us make it up to you." When I didn't respond, she continued, "You've always talked about how much you wanted to see the Statue of Liberty. We can take you there now."

Being reminded of the dreams I used to have only stoked my rage.

"Think of how excited I would have been if you had picked up everything after Connor rejected me and taken me to the mainland then," I told them in a monotone. "Or how relieved I would have been to have my parents' support when everyone else turned their backs on me. Imagine how things might have been different if you were there for me when I needed you most."

It took a beat for them to recover from my bluntness.

"Phaedra." My father's tone held warning as my mother pressed her hand to her mouth. "How can you speak to us like this?"

"With the same boldness you two must have felt when you thought an apology would be enough to convince me to go with you. That I would leave this island just because you're leaving."

"Phaedra, you go too far," my father chastised.

I hated that it almost worked on me. That his scolding still struck fear in my gut and made me want to take the words back. But I wouldn't take them back. Not this time.

"I don't think I've gone far enough," I snapped. "Maybe some time on the mainland without your ‘creature comforts' will help you understand what I went through while I was alone. I know it won't because you'll be starting over with everything you have, whereas I had nothing."

"But Connor sent guards to watch you?—"

"The fact you believe that proves you are willing to take the easiest road. It's better you get off this island before things get… tougher."

They wouldn't survive a shift in the status quo, and if I died in the process, they wouldn't survive the embarrassment. It was for the best they were leaving. At least I wouldn't have to worry about them when the revolution started.

They tried a while longer to get me to go with them. They tried pleading with me and even threatening me by saying that we might never get to talk to each other again, but their tactics didn't work. I was steadfast in my refusal. Honestly, I hoped this was the last time I saw them.

When they left, I went to the library, wanting to do more research on Mara. I needed the distraction, and the only thing I could think to do was bury myself in books. The boat to the mainland was leaving that night, and my parents would be on it. I didn't want to watch the clock tick down.

I pored over the books, but Randall was right. There wasn't much information about her or her powers beyond a few vague mentions of a goddess who sent nightmares. It was like they worried that mentioning her by name would incur her wrath or something. I couldn't find the name of the other powerful goddess Randall had mentioned, either. It was bizarre how the books tiptoed around two goddesses, and it was even more bizarre one of them wasn't named at all.

I rubbed my aching eyes when the words started to blur together, then closed the books and lay my head on my crossed arms. I wasn't asleep for very long—twenty minutes at most—but when I woke up, I found Kestrel sitting across from me, smiling at me.

Immediately on guard, I sat up. "What are you doing here?"

"Do I need a reason to be in the library? I have just as much of a right to be here as you do."

I narrowed my eyes. "You know what I mean. What do you want?"

Her smile widened, showing off her yellowed teeth. "Something about being so close to you just makes me feel alive. Maybe it's because you are such a beauty. Can you blame an old woman for admiring that?"

I could, actually, but I didn't want to stay in her presence even a moment longer. I got up to leave and left the books on the table. I hated people cleaning up after me, but this once I'd let the librarians put the books away for me because I didn't want Kestrel to continue "admiring" me the way that she was.

If I wasn't already certain that she was the threat Mara kept warning me about, her presence in the library would have confirmed it. She was too cryptic, too present here at the manor. Whatever nefarious thing she was up to, she needed to be here to make it work, and I wanted to continue giving her as much space as I could get away with.

I started in the direction of my room, but I didn't want to be alone after my run-in. I wanted to see the man I loved.

Taking the bottle of pix powder out of my pocket, I sprinkled it over me. When I started to sneeze, I knew I'd used enough, then I sprinted across the grounds to the shed.

I knocked on his door.

"Who is it?" The deep timbre of his voice made me shiver.

"It's me," I said. "I wanted to see you."

The door swung open within seconds. Asher was shirtless, his skin glistening in the faint moonlight.

"I hope I'm not interrupting you or anything," I said, suddenly shy.

"No, I was just doing some pull-ups. I can finish my set later if I want." He stepped aside. "Come in."

My shoulder brushed across his warm chest as I stepped inside. Goddess, what a man.

"What's up?" he asked.

"My parents left for the mainland today," I blurted. That had nothing to do with Kestrel. Why had I brought it up?

His eyebrows raised. "Did they? They left without you?"

I nodded. "They came by to ask me to go with them, but I said no, of course."

"Why?" He seemed genuinely baffled. "Going to the mainland was all you could think about when we met."

I waved that away. "Sure, the mainland has always tempted me, but it will always be there. Besides, I've got far too much going on here. Why would I leave?"

"To make things easier on yourself," he said. "To get away from Connor."

"But I'd be leaving you, Penny, Theo, and the Daggers behind, and I'd be abandoning everything I've worked for." I shook my head. "I could never do that to you all. I could never live with myself."

He studied me, the muscles in his jaw working. I wanted to ask him what was on his mind, but something about his expression made me not want to. I had the feeling he'd tell me I should leave anyway.

Clearing my throat, I said, "I saw Kestrel in the library."

He frowned. "What did she say?"

I recounted what happened. It only took me a minute, because the interaction was so brief, but just thinking about it made me shudder. "I think she's the person Mara keeps warning me about," I said. "I think she's started using my blood, if she hasn't been using it this entire time."

Asher held his hand out to me, and I took it, letting him pull me into his chest. My wolf yipped in joy as we felt the heat of his body against ours.

"I won't let her hurt you," he growled by my ear. "She won't get anywhere near you, not as long as I'm around."

I shivered. "I know you won't."

"But, Phaedra, maybe you should go to the mainland anyway. No one would blame you for wanting to get out the range of Kestrel's spell."

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I don't want to talk about leaving anymore," I said, nuzzling into him, kissing the pulse at this neck. "I could never think of leaving you." We were in such a small, confined space, it only made my desire for him increase.

He growled again, but it was more like a hum, something I felt more in his chest than heard. I was glad my attempts to distract him had worked. Him encouraging me to leave him behind upset me.

"Careful," he warned.

I smiled, my heart thumping hard. "Do you like that?"

"You know I do." He took my face in his hands. "But it's risky to do this here. Are you sure?"

In response, I pushed him back against the wall of the shed, pulling him against me. "I want to feel you knot in me," I whispered.

His breath quickened. "Goddess, Phaedra." He pushed his knee between my legs, and I gasped when his erection pressed into my thigh. "You feel what you do to me?"

"Yes," I purred, nuzzling into him again. I rocked against his knee, my panties flush with his leg. The friction made my breath catch. "But I want to feel it inside me."

He hummed again and kissed me long and slow. He switched our positions, pressing me to the wall as he trailed kisses down my neck and across my collarbone before he got on his knees in front of me. He pushed my dress up and my panties down. I gasped as he pushed his face between my legs, his tongue stroking over my slit.

"Asher," I moaned.

In response, he moved my legs over his shoulders, his hands gripping my thighs to keep me steady. I shuddered as he lapped at me, his eager tongue sliding over my clit.

"Asher, yes," I whispered.

"You're going to have to be quiet if you're serious about letting me do this," he murmured against me, his warm breath sending a pulse of desire straight to my clit. "Think you can manage that?"

"Yes—mm!" I covered my mouth with both hands as thrust his tongue into my pussy.