14. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

J ust as Connor said, effective immediately, Kestrel began serving as his advisor. Despite the uproar the previous night, things had been calm around the manor today. That calm hadn't settled over me, though. Nervous energy coursed through my veins. The meeting with Asher and his people was tonight, and though I was looking forward to it, my stomach kept twisting.

I could admit to myself that I missed him, even if I had to put on a brave face for everyone else. Was it selfish of me to be excited to see him again while he and his pack were suffering? Maybe it was a little selfish, but I couldn't help my feelings. It wasn't like I could snuff it out like a candle.

And maybe missing him was why I felt so exhausted when I woke up that morning. That exhaustion persisted as Penny and I worked in her study. It was more than just looking through paperwork. It was like an ache deep in my bones and a feeling of disconnection from myself. I felt sort of hazy, like I was having an out-of-body experience. I had no other option but to assume I was feeling this way because of all the work Penny and I had done, missing Asher, and the constant worrying about Connor's plans for the pack. Maybe I was also getting sick. That would explain some of it.

I left Penny's study just after lunch to go to the library and look into deities. Even though Theo had said she would check it out for me, I wanted to do some research on my own.

I spotted Miranda walking down the hall as I headed toward the library. It was the first time I'd seen her since Edgar's funeral.

She wore a simple, loose, black dress. The sleeves hung off her delicate shoulders and covered her fingers. She'd lost a lot of weight, and I wondered if she was wearing that to hide herself from any curious eyes.

I quickly banished that thought. It wasn't proper, nor was it kind to be thinking these things about her.

"Hello, my darling," she said, greeting me the way she used to when I'd been younger. Kindness radiated from her slate-gray eyes.

The familiarity of it surprised me because we hadn't spoken since I was exiled. Did she still think of me with such affection?

"Hello, ma'am," I replied, bowing my head and curtsying. "It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too," she said. "Penny told me the two of you have been spending more time together. I'm so glad to hear that. She's been such a lonely girl."

In typical mom fashion, she was oversharing about her child. It was a bit refreshing, honestly, after spending hours planning a coup, though I felt a bit awkward.

Fortunately, I didn't have to respond because Miranda was already speaking again. "I'm proud of you girls. You're growing up to be such fine young ladies."

"Thank you, ma'am. We're doing what we can."

"That boy of mine, on the other hand…" She shook her head. "Such a rambunctious young man."

"Ah—yes," I said haltingly. That was certainly one way of describing her son.

She paused, then said, "You don't love him, do you?"

I nearly gasped. I didn't think my behavior had been anything but neutral. Was I not being warm enough? But how could I show warmth after what he'd done?

I tried to keep the sudden surprise off my face, but it was no use.

"Don't worry, love. It's just that when you get to be as old as me, you can tell when a girl is in love and when she isn't. I don't blame you, considering his behavior."

Again, I wasn't sure how to respond. Edgar had said something similar to me when I spoke to him in the library. He'd been able to tell I was mated, though he hadn't known it was to Asher. It seemed Miranda had similar powers of deduction.

For the second time, Miranda saved me from responding. "If there's anything I can tell you, it's to choose love," she said. "No matter what. I waited a long time before I let Edgar court me. He was to be alpha, but my parents wanted me to marry someone else—someone I had already been promised to when I was young. And now that he's gone, well…" She sniffled once. "I wish I hadn't wasted that time. I wish I'd just gone with what my heart wanted earlier."

"Thank you," I said. "I… you don't know what your advice means to me."

"Of course, my darling. It's what I'm here for, since your own parents can't seem to figure out how to address you." After casually saying something so pointed, she moved around me. "I'm headed over to my son's rooms to force him to take me out on a walk. I hope I see you again soon, love."

I nodded. "Likewise, ma'am."

I watched her go, and my heart felt heavy in my chest. Her advice felt prescient. I wanted to follow it, but how could I? I felt certain she would never have given it to me if she'd known the man I wanted to give my heart to was the man who Connor claimed murdered her mate.

I entered the grand library, which was empty as usual. The last time I'd been here I had been looking for a book to dissolve the mate bond between Asher and me. Now I was back to do research of another kind. It was strangely comforting to look through these books, much more interesting than reviewing and organizing paperwork.

I moved between the shelves to the spiritual section. It was here where I'd spoken to Edgar for the last time. Thinking of him, I felt a twist in my chest. I was angry with him, and there were so many things I hadn't been able to say before his death, but I missed him. I wondered if I would miss him this much if Asher had been the one to kill him—I definitely wouldn't have felt as badly for him then. To go down fighting is the way of a warrior, but to be betrayed by your own son was a dishonor?—

I stopped in my tracks. The table wasn't empty. Randall sat next to the chair where Edgar had sat that day I found him here. He looked up at me, his wire-framed glasses slipping down his nose. I didn't know he wore glasses. It made him look like a different person—a more studious giant than the intimidating master of combat.

"Good morning," he said with a nod.

"Good morning," I replied after a beat. I turned to the bookshelves and skimmed the titles without really reading them. My heart rate quickened, and my movements were stiff and awkward. I'd looked forward to diving into some books, but now I wanted to leave. The last time I'd been alone with Connor's right-hand, he forced me into a carriage and delivered me to Connor. The memory made my wolf growl, and her distrustful anxiety matched mine.

Unfortunately, just turning around and leaving without a word would be insanely rude, and who knew how Randall would react. He didn't seem like the type to gossip, but if I left abruptly, it might get back to Connor. And Connor could see me disrespecting his right-hand as disrespecting him.

I glanced at Randall from the corner of my eye as I pretended to browse. While I was worrying about my next move, he continued to read, totally at ease. I guess to a large brick house of a man, there wouldn't be anything to worry about. My wolf was strong, but I didn't want to get into a fight with Randall's wolf.

The text on the cover of the book he was reading was too small to make out, but the heading of the page was in bold black letters. "Water and Moonlight." My mind immediately went to Holo, whose powers were associated with the moon. Was he refreshing his knowledge about the gods? The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. If so, that would be too incredible to be coincidence.

Suddenly, I couldn't afford to think of a way to leave the situation. Now I needed to figure out what he was doing in the library.

"I never usually see you in here," I said. With what I hoped was nonchalance, I pulled one of the books down from the shelf and opened up the table of contents, pretending to skim it. "Does the alpha have you doing research?"

"No," he replied. His voice was even and his answer, though simple, wasn't in a clipped or unfriendly tone. That said, it wasn't helpful.

I replaced the book on the shelf. "So, this is just for your own purposes? I thought the alpha needed his right-hand at his side most of the time."

"That is usually how things are, but that hasn't been the case lately." There was less friendliness in the way he finished that sentence. It was more deadpan, emotionless. It was clearly a sore subject. "What about you? Are you here to look into deities who visit dreams?"

My head snapped toward him before I could get control of my reactions. He was still looking at the book, though his glasses sat a little higher on his nose.

"How did you know?" I asked before I could think of a less direct way of responding.

"Theodora," he said.

I stiffened. I knew Theo liked him, but would she really reveal something so important to someone so close to Connor? I was sure she hated Connor, too, but Randall couldn't have learned about this from someone else. It wasn't exactly battle strategy or a reveal of what we were planning to do to Connor, but a feeling of betrayal started to tug at my heart. Could Randall have taken advantage of Theo's affection and manipulated her into telling him?

I started to speak again, but Randall beat me to it. "It's been months since I had the opportunity to dig into these books, but I think you'll want to start looking into Mara."

"Mara," I repeated. "I've never heard of her."

"Neither have I, which is why she's so fascinating. Apparently, she is said to be Holo's older sister, but not much is known about her aside from the fact that early shifters associated her with the new moon because of her black hair. She often appeared in nightmares."

A chill traveled from my fingertips to my shoulders. I wasn't aware Holo was said to have a sister, let alone one who controlled nightmares. If I'd had this conversation with Randall a month ago, I would have laughed in his face. I didn't believe in Holo or the gods or magic… but now I'd had the fated mate mark, seen the effects of the curse on Asher's pack, and gotten rid of my bond, I had to admit that dismissing the existence of the gods was a little premature.

Which meant Mara was trying to reach out to me, didn't it? Was she punishing me for breaking a bond the gods had created? If so, why didn't Holo herself punish me?

I wanted to ask more about Mara, but I didn't want to let on that what Randall had said was helpful. After all, I didn't know what he'd done to find out about my research from Theo.

"It's quite fascinating stuff," Randall said. "There's also another goddess who's hardly mentioned. Apparently, she was particularly powerful, but for some reason, it doesn't go into much detail about her."

I didn't want him to go on, and I wasn't in the mood to try and be indirect about my concerns. I turned from the shelf and set my hands on the table, leaning toward him. He stopped reading to look up at me over his glasses.

"You said Theo told you I was looking into deities?" I asked.

"Yes," he said cautiously.

"Did you do anything to her to get that information out of her?"

A beat passed, and my wolf grew alert just a second before Randall's gaze hardened and his jaw clenched. He was good at being stoic and unmoving, but he never had to hide his anger. Why would he? He was the alpha's right-hand, and he wasn't afraid to ruthlessly carry out any order given to him.

That was exactly why I needed to know. It was easy to imagine him taking advantage of Theo's kindness to further some goal. So, even though I hated being on the receiving end of such an intense glare, I needed to stand my ground.

I took a bit of strength from my wolf and raised my chin. "Why are you looking at me like that? Can you blame me for asking? I'm sure Connor has had you wring information out of people before."

Another beat of tense silence passed before Randall suddenly looked away. He removed his glasses with a sigh. With that reaction, he might as well have just admitted I was right.

"I wouldn't do anything like that to her," he murmured. "Not Theodora."

My immediate reaction was to not believe him, but I didn't sense a lie in his words. Actually, I was certain he hadn't lied at any point during this conversation. This was a first. We had never shared more than a few words before, and now, during our first real conversation, he remained totally honest.

"Theo is more than just my maid," I said. "She's my friend. Would you hurt Theo if Connor asked you to?"

He glanced at me again, and I saw a flash of his earlier indignation in his dark brown eyes. "No," he said softly.

I willed myself to see some sort of lie in that, but there was no trace of it. That shocked me to my core. Randall had always been so loyal, I wouldn't have thought he would hesitate to cut down anyone if Connor asked it of him.

I remembered then what Connor had said about Randall. Just a few weeks ago, I thought Connor was trying to bring me back to mate me off to Randall. When I confronted him, he'd laughed in my face. He told me that Randall had his pick of women in high-wolf society. Looking at him now, avoiding eye contact, I remembered that I'd never seen him date anyone.

Before Connor banished me, I'd begun to wonder if Randall was uninterested in dating anyone, man or woman. Maybe he would pair with someone for companionship or for an heir, but his primary duty was to Connor. But five years had passed since then. During that time, Theo started working in the castle. It wasn't so unreasonable to assume he'd developed a soft spot for her.

I thought again about the way I'd seen Randall react to Connor's treatment of the Dagger pack, and the carefully dismissive way Randall had said Connor didn't need him. The Randall I knew was fiercely loyal to his leaders, but it seemed a lot had changed during the time I was banished.

Did he know Connor killed Edgar? Could he be an ally? Or at the very least, not an immediate enemy?

The silence had stretched too long. I needed to head back so I could get started on my own research.

"Do you mind if I take that book from you?" I asked.

"I don't mind." He handed it over. It had looked a bit smaller in his hands, but now it was in mine, it was the size of an encyclopedia. "I've only been looking into this for a few hours," he said. "This was the only book I found that mentions Mara."

I nodded and risked a small smile. "Thank you," I said, then hurried out of the library.