Chapter Thirty-Six

The drive back to school seemed longer this time. Coldplay on the radio, the sound of slush as the tires spun against the snow and my mind wandered. I'd left Kieran back at the Brennan's place with the three words I couldn't stop thinking about. I love you. They were true but saying them changed everything. He hadn't said it back, not that I expected him to. Whatever we had was tainted in lies.

After the man who took me dropped me at Cillian Brennan's feet, literally, I regretted leaving Kieran. I regretted not telling him how I felt. I regretted knowing that Daniel was still alive. Maddox warned me that Cillian would torture me for that information. Use me. But Maddox had been wrong.

Cillian hadn't cared about Daniel. He had showed me pictures of me and Kieran near the chapel when we first kissed. Inside my room while we were having sex. Hatred and disgust pulled his features.

"You learn a lot from someone watching him take a life," Cillian had said. "And do you know how many lives Kieran has taken?" That was a rhetorical question I couldn't answer. A beat later, he answered it. "Twenty-six," he said. "And every time I see death in his eyes, I know it's what he is. Death."

All the hairs along my body had stood on end.

"Kieran is ready to lead," Cillian went on. The calm deadly sound of his voice made me more afraid than I'd ever been, even with my psychopathic brother, Miguel. "I didn't waste my time molding him to have it all crumble over you. He'll chose death, his family, over you. And he'll make it quick."

"Fuck you," I had spat back. I had hoped it sounded a little bit surer, but I had doubts too.

Cillian had knocked me out and I woke up with a masked stranger several hours later. Except, I knew it was Kieran. He'd chosen me. After he left me alone in that car, I had walked to a nearby café and begged the waitress to let me use her phone. Between being kidnapped and saved by a stranger, I'd lost mine. The only number I had memorized was Nick's. After I gave him a cleaner version of what happened to me, he had given me Maddox's number. Nick had saved the number after Maddox called him looking for me. Maddox had arrived at the café looking all kinds of feral. I had expected him to blame me for getting caught. He hadn't. And after I lied and told him I was knocked out for all of it and woke up in an abandoned car, he took me to his brother's place where I got to see Kieran. Where I promised to wait for him. And he had signed his legitimacy. No longer Romano, Kieran was a Brennan now. We reached the campus grounds and waited for our turn inside. The car became stifling and I kept shifting. We hadn't spoken about what happened in Chicago. About Daniel and Cruz being alive. About why I'd been taken in the first place.

"You'll be protected as a Brennan," Maddox finally said. And of all things, he had to say that.

I snorted. "Really? Because I've been shot at, kidnapped—" I ticked it off on my fingers, "—and drugged because of you. Not to mention everything else that happened to me because…" Because of our mother hating him.

We didn't choose our blood family. My mother had abused me. My brother Daniel had lied to me about Maddox all these years. Daniel had left me, hadn't told me what he planned. I wanted to blame Maddox because of who he was. A killer. But so were my father and other brothers. I was a killer too. "I'm sorry," I said sheepishly.

He inhaled and exhaled slowly. "Whether you like this or not, you were born into all of this. You're my brother and Joaquín's son. Part Brennan and part La Sagrada Sangre through your Moya blood. I can't change any of it."

"Would you?" I blurted out unable to stay shut. He gave me his familiar WTF look. "Would you change it. Me. If you could."

"Yes," he said. "Only because you don't deserve this life. You deserve better. You're too kind, Tomás."

I shook my head. "I'm really not. I've done things."

"To protect people you care about. I don't want you to do something you'll regret."

"Like kill somebody?"

"Like kill somebody when there's another way."

Another way. "Is that why you have Eagle Corp? Is giving kids money a way to feel better for ruining their lives?" Shit. I had to shut up, but Jack had deserved better. Maddox strangled the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. "There was this kid, Jackson Templeton. You killed his father George. Do you remember that?"

Maddox answered in a cool tone. "I remember."

"Jackson tried to kill me."

Maddox glared at me and I had to look away.

"I left the school grounds with him, and he took me to his mom's place where he used to live. She OD'd. He thought killing me would hurt you. What a joke, right?" I turned to him hoping he'd say something like, no that's not a joke. I do care for you. He didn't. His nostrils flared and he still had that cold, deadly look as if he wanted to kill someone. Probably me. But I kept on going. Like a tractor trailer trampling over snow. "Why are you hiding the fact that I'm your brother from your other brothers? Huh? Why do I have to come to this place and not a regular school?"

The car inched up. We were two cars away from the main gate.

"Because we might share half our DNA, but we're not family. You want to hide me here from everyone important so that you can stroke your ego!" I clenched my fists, anger a potent, real thing. And his silence made it worse.

We passed through security and Maddox slammed the brakes near the visitor center. I didn't get out of the car right away. I should have but I needed to know one last thing. "Answer me this," I said, my throat tight. "What would you do if I killed your brothers the way you killed mine? Because you still killed Miguel, and Daniel and Cruz will always be on the run because of you. And you killed my father. And my mother hates me because of you. I have every reason to go after the people you love and …" I didn't get to finish when he turned and clamped his hand around my throat and squeezed.

"I'd kill you," he said, with intent behind it. "Slowly," he added, digging in the blade.

He squeezed tighter. Tears blurred my vision. I couldn't breathe and I didn't even fight him. Shock and realization had me frozen in place. Suddenly, he released me and I scrambled for air. My chest hurt, tears burned tracks down my cheeks. I clawed at the door needing to get out, needing to get as far away from him as I possibly could. He didn't even try to stop me as I stumbled out of the car and ran. I didn't stop until I was in sight of Arcas. Dasher stood up from the steps the moment he saw me. I wiped my tears and tried for a smile but it didn't work. His expression was all I needed to know that we were friends again. That he'd been waiting for me and not Fox. He narrowed the gap between us although his leg pained him and hugged me with one arm, using me as his second crutch. I held on to him and cried.

"I hate it here," I mumbled into his neck. "This is a prison."

"I know," he said back. "But we're not all that bad."

I chuckled, wiping my snot on his shoulder. "Sorry," I said sheepishly.

He made a face. "You're disgusting."

****

Kieran didn't arrive until days later. He'd been legitimized. Heir to the Brennan Family throne. Considering he'd already taken over the legitimate business, I had to wonder what this new addition of power meant for him. For us, it meant I'd be his secret. For some reason, it hurt less to be Kieran's secret than it did to be Maddox's secret. Maybe because with Kieran I understood why. It had nothing to do with me, but his sexuality. I got it. And I agreed to give him time.

That weekend I dragged Dasher to the red-light district. As his official BFF, he couldn't say no. And, I might have made him feel guilty for ghosting me after the hazing which forced me to leave the school and bad shit happened afterward, though I spared him from the specific bad shit story.

The first of December brought more snow and freezing temperatures. "I think they built this stupid school here to make us suffer even more," I said.

Dasher chuckled. His breathing heavy from exertion and pain, although he didn't admit to the pain part. "If we were smart, we would've stayed home and made some hot chocolate and watched some reruns of Teen Wolf."

I almost rolled my eyes. "Dude, we're in college. College people party."

"They study, too."

"And smoke weed," I added.

Dasher snorted. "You are so clueless."

I shrugged. "That's my charm." I gave him a quick smile before my teeth froze.

We made it to the place, and I lost Dasher in the crowd. I had my suspicion that he probably went in through the front and out the back. The fucker.

The music was pounding and I made my way to the bar. I brushed through the crowd. Some people I recognized and some I didn't. I ordered a beer and took a long pull before I lifted my eyes to the loft. Kieran stood leaning against the railing talking to River and laughing. He'd cut his dark hair so that it lay perfectly and wore a white button down, folded at the sleeves revealing corded muscles. His ass was up against the banister and I had to look away before I got a boner.

Fucking asshole still did it for me.

Kieran wasn't there when I looked up again and I almost spilled my beer on myself when he appeared beside me. He chuckled. "Jumpy much?"

"Fuck you," I said, grabbing a pile of napkins and wiping my chin. "You're a wraith."

He turned and leaned back with his elbows against the bar, that smile on his face. He looked different. Less stiff, looser. "So, do they know?" I asked of his legitimacy.

"Yes, they do," he said and took a sip of his tumbler.

"They didn't boot you out of the bastard club?"

Kieran laughed. I leaned closer to him getting a whiff of cinnamon, musk, and something tangy from his fancy drink. "No, they need me."

Our arms brushed, sending a jolt through my body. This hiding shit was going to drive me insane. "Well, I might need you too."

His expression softened, his small smile just for me poked at my heart. I hated Arcadia, but it also felt right being here. With him. For him. Always.

"Hey!" Wren's shout broke our connection. "Come on, birthday boy," Wren said, pulling Kieran's drink from his hand. "Dance."

Laughing, Kieran headed to the dance floor and was quickly swallowed up by bodies. Girls mostly, wanting to be the flavor of the week.

This was going to be hard.

I'd given Kieran every piece of myself that I could. My body, my soul, my heart. And now I'd given him a promise that I'd wait for him. Over the crowd, his eyes met mine and they softened for a fraction of a second. For a heartbeat he was transformed into the Kieran I knew. Kieran Romano. The one I loved. Love. I never thought I'd feel it for someone not family. I'd always reserved love for blood relations like Nick and Daniel. But I knew I loved Kieran. It wasn't only about sex. It was about wanting to be better for him. Wanting to see him happy. Really happy. And right now, that meant being his secret, being his lie.

I played with the leather bracelet he'd given me with his obol hidden under the gemstone. The many versions of Kieran played through my mind. The possessive one, the obsessive one, the protective one, the scary violent psycho one, the lust filled Kieran who moaned loud as fuck, the nervous one, the gentle, vulnerable Kieran who had held me so many times and made me feel safe. And in this place, I caught a glimpse of the man he would become. Someone rich and powerful. Someone who owned their world. I suddenly felt so damn irrelevant. I wouldn't fit in. I didn't belong in a place where he shined. Unlike my father, I didn't want this life of violence and power. The life that Kieran seemed to thrive in. But I had made a promise to him. I'd wait. I'd trust him. And hopefully he was right, and I could continue to be his light. Maybe I could show him something different. A better way.

But we had the now.

Fox wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me out of my thoughts. My body tensed at the contact. I still didn't trust him. "Just make sure you remember the meaning behind that brand," he said into my ear.

Kieran had tethered us. If I messed up, he'd pay for it too. I gave Fox a tight nod. He released me and slipped into the crowd. I followed. Under the moving lights, I danced my ass off, not caring who was around me. Arms in the air, swaying and singing loud with the blasting music. Kieran entered my dancing space, his cheeks heated, his eyes shining with delight. For a magical moment I pretended that we were different people. That I was a regular college student celebrating my boyfriend's birthday. And in this moment, everything was perfect.

The End