Chapter Thirty-Two

Tomás

Falling in love happened all at once.

One moment I thought I could walk away from Kieran, the next moment my heart screamed for him. I wanted to savor our time together, to be part of the chaos in his life, but I couldn't. It felt wrong just as it felt right. Peeling my body away from his arms took the last bit of strength I had left. I had convinced myself that staying with him would risk his life. I convinced myself that he was better without me. We didn't fit. He'd never come out for me, and I wouldn't be able to take seeing him with girls, fake or not. Us apart would be better for everyone. Fox agreed. I'd called him to let him know my intent on running. He listened and said he'd hook me up. Didn't try to convince me that running would be a mistake. He knew Kieran better than me, so I had to be doing the right thing. Right? Then like a thief in the night, I stole whatever money Kieran had on his person. Two grand. Like the loser I'd always be, I shoved it into my pocket. I needed it more, I defended. I thought about leaving him the bracelet, but I kept that with me. I knew what the obol represented, and I knew what it had on the underside. His blood. I would've left him mine, except mine was a lie. I'd never be a Brennan.

Fox was already outside when I walked out. Without words exchanged, we nodded to each other. He didn't stop me. I climbed into a dark sedan waiting for me at the main street with River in the driver's seat. He drove me to the airport.

"I can't believe we're doing this behind his back," River said.

"He's compromised," I said back. Because of me.

"I hope you know what you're doing," he mumbled.

River dropped me off at the airport. "Take care of him," I said.

He nodded and took off.

Luckily, the school hadn't taken our legal IDs and I was able to purchase a plane ticket. The flight to Chicago took under three hours. The city streets were cold, but no snow had fallen yet. Still early November. It'd been nine months since I'd been there. Nothing had changed. Just me.

I ended up at the burial lot. My dad, Cruz, Miguel, and Daniel had been buried together since they died together. I hadn't been back since we buried them. The ground was bare and cold. I shoved my hands inside my hoodie pockets and felt the rings. I wished Nick were here. He would've known what to say better than me. He was better with all the word shit.

I wiped my nose.

"I'm sorry Ma took the rings," I said, feeling guilty for it. "They should've been buried with you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. I don't know. Maybe Ma was right." The lump in my throat made it hard to talk. Tears came back into play. I hated them. "I'm not good for nothing. And sorry, Dad," I said to my dad's gravestone. "I didn't think ratting out the boy I love would change anything."

The boy I love.

I kicked at the hard ground. "Yeah, I might like boys too," I said sheepishly. "But you loved Nick, so you could love me too, yeah?" I wiped my nose. With only a hoodie, I felt the cold deep in my bones.

I heard someone behind me and turned to Nick. My heart stumbled and I wondered if he was real. He looked good. Nick always looked good. Shorter than me, light brown hair, hazel eyes. The sunlight shone on his freckles. I didn't know what to say. Somehow, I'm sorry didn't seem to cut it.

He seemed to know that words wouldn't do any justice and approached me. Just as he stood close enough to hug, I lowered my head onto his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me, and we cried.

I missed him. He'd been my best friend. And I had ruined it.

I don't know how long we stood like that, hugging in the cold. But he didn't seem to be in a rush. I pulled away and wiped my face. "What are you doing here?" I finally asked. "I thought you were in California."

"I'm taking a break," he said. "It's complicated."

I snorted. "Tell me about it. But what are you doing here?"

"I got a call," he said, looking tons of guilty.

I almost asked who but didn't have to. The person walking toward us was all the answer I needed. Maddox Brennan stopped just a few yards away from us, his arms clasped in front of his body like a guard. I suddenly felt betrayed. As if Nick had sold me out.

"He called me when you went missing. I kept coming here, hoping that maybe I'd catch you." Nick took my hand. "Tomás, don't look at him. Look at me."

"He killed Daniel," I whispered.

Nick didn't react. "I know."

I scowled at him. The betrayal sank a little deeper. "Do you know why?"

"Dad killed Trinidad Sr."

I took a startled step back. I wanted to run, get away. Kieran had told me the truth. Dad had flipped on his best friend. I realized I was shaking my head in denial.

"T told me," Nick went on. "Tomás, I'm sorry."

I lowered my head and kicked the ground at my feet. Defeated. It's how I felt. As if my whole life were someone else's, not mine. As if something fierce were crushing me and I could never just stand on my own two feet. I clutched the rings tighter. The bite of pain reminded me what I came here to do. I opened my palm. "Ma took them, but they should be buried with them. It has their souls."

Nick took Dad's ring and a fat tear fell out of the corner of his eye.

"You came here to bury this?"

I nodded.

"Then let's do it."

Nick dropped to his knees, not caring that the ground was cold and muddy. He started digging with his hands. I lifted my eyes again to Maddox who wore no expression on his face. His green eyes so damn familiar, so like Kieran's, but different. Maddox's were darker green. When I was sure he wasn't going to kill me, I knelt beside Nick and started to dig too. It wasn't easy.

"I should've brought something to dig with," I said, feeling so stupid.

"I think this is the right way to do it."

I thought so too.

We dug a few inches into the ground and placed the rings inside the small hole. Then we filled it back up and smoothed everything out. After we finished, we got to our feet. "Where are you heading?" Nick asked, taking my hand in his. Nick didn't mind the touching stuff. I guess I didn't either.

"My moms."

Nick knew my mom wasn't like his, but she was still my mom. "If it doesn't work out, you can always stay with my mom. I always visit for break. And you know how much she loves you."

I laughed. Nick usually got into trouble whenever I'd been around as kids. His mom didn't hate me, but she often swatted us whenever she had a chance. His grandmother, though, she was really nice. But Nick's mom wasn't mine. And the mention of it reminded me how different we were. I couldn't bring my shit to his house. "Nah, I think I'm good, but maybe a visit sometime. Maybe during summer break."

He smiled. "I'd like that. And calls, or texts, whatever, just contact me, yeah?" He had a hopeful lilt to his voice when he said it.

"Yeah, I'd like that, too."

We hugged again and then he walked away. I watched him get into a small car with one of his high school friends and then they drove off. Maddox was still behind me. Looming.

I breathed in the cold air and drew the smile to my face. "Well, Mads, I didn't expect you here."

He quirked a brow. Not amused. "I'm not surprised since you ran away."

I swatted the air. "Blah, ran away sounds so juvenile. I'm a big boy now."

His expression didn't change.

"How'd you find me?" I toned down my voice.

"Cellphones are traceable."

"Right. Good to know. Are you here to drag me back?"

"You're my son. I'm here to make sure you're okay and don't need me to drag you back."

The word son while standing on my father's grave stung. He didn't take it back, though. I kicked at the dirt. "I'm not going back."

I lifted my eyes to him. Still, stone statue, showed nothing.

"I want to go to my moms'." Once the words were out, I couldn't put them back. Fear laced every syllable. If he caught it, he didn't mention it.

He nodded. "I'll drive you there."

I followed behind him to his car and he drove me to my moms' place. It looked just as I remembered it. A series of trailers like shipping containers. Ours had been the third lot. The outside in need of a paint job, the stairs chipped in places, and the windows were filmy. A couple of lawn chairs sat just in front where Daniel and I used to shoot the breeze. We had lived on this same lot until I turned thirteen and Daniel had turned eighteen. It's when he decided he wanted to move near Dad. He took his vows. Mom couldn't afford much, not when she put whatever she got from Dad up her nose instead of using it for rent, so we had followed Daniel.

"Are you sure about this?" Maddox asked.

"As opposed to what?" I snapped back, angrier than I thought I could be. "Live with the person who killed my family? Go back to prison?" Have my heart shanked every day by Kieran. I got out of the car. For a moment, I wanted him to stop me. To say no, I'll protect you. I'm sorry for killing Daniel. Something. But he didn't say anything. And I walked away.

I climbed the stairs and turned the knob, not surprised that it easily opened. I walked inside. My eyes had to adjust to the dim light. The stench of garbage and mold burned through my nose. I couldn't help but remember Jack's place. His mother dead in the kitchen. OD'd. He'd been so angry for what life had given him. I was angry too, but the guilt and sadness overtook my anger. The needy part of me wanted her to change, to love me, to apologize for hating me. I wanted her to love me the way she had loved Daniel. The way my dad had loved Nick.

The house was warm. She always had the furnace going strong.

She was lying on the sofa, her head on the armrest. Eyes closed, breathing deep. It was close to 2:00 in the afternoon. She usually didn't get up until after 3:00. And later in the winters. For a moment, I considered leaving. She was alive. It's what I came for. She would be okay without me. As okay as she would ever be. I could take Nick's offer. His mom was nice. I knew she'd take me in if Nick asked her to. But what if whatever happened at the cabin followed me to Nick's. I had a contract out on me. What if Nick or his family got hurt because of me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that ever happened.

Also, a part of me wanted her to see me. She was my mother. We couldn't choose our family, but we could help them. I brushed my fingers across her hairline. She felt warm, like the room.

"Daniel?" she said and blinked open her eyes.

"It's me, Moms. Tomás."

She sat up, ran her hand down her face with a grunt. Her hair, usually a healthy set of brown curls like mine, was a tangled mess. Her face gaunt, eyes sunken, skin pale. Then she took me all in. I hadn't changed much, I don't think. When I got to the airport, I had bought a couple of hoodies I now wore, some cheap running shoes too. I still wore the joggers Kieran had lent me. But she must've saw something that made her angry.

She got to her feet and I straightened. She was a lot shorter than me. Maybe up to my chin. She'd thinned out more since the last time I saw her, but she still had this power over me. As if her nearness sucked out all my strength because I couldn't even move.

She snorted. "You look well," she said. Her voice ruined by the drugs sounded raspy. "I guess your brother stepped up for you, huh. Had to kill my son but got you."

I sucked in air. My brother? "What? What do you mean?"

She waved her hand, face pinched. "It doesn't matter no more. Is he here? Did he finally get tired of you?"

I swallowed back the confusion. "I, uh, was wondering, maybe I can come back." My voice sounded so small.

"What? Your pretty face not good enough for him? Is he going to pay me to take you back?"

I couldn't breathe. My chest felt too tight. I knew she said those things to get a rise out of me. She had to be confused about Maddox being my brother. "Maybe I can get a job and help you out. We can get a better place. You can go to treatment." I knew I said the wrong thing because her eyes narrowed. Her lips became two thin lines on her face.

I had always wondered why Dad had hooked up with her in the first place. None of the other moms were junkies. Daniel and I hadn't come out as drug babies. It had to mean that at one time she'd been clean. But the look on her face now felt like a knife through my heart. I knew what she intended to do and I couldn't stop her. I felt small. The kid used as a punching bag. The one that she hated because I couldn't be good. Not even the first time she sold me. I fought, but I could never fight her.

The slap stung. My ear rang and my lip started to swell. "How dare you! You think you're better than him! You are nothing but a worthless whore! You don't need this pretty face if you aren't going to use it."

I couldn't stop shaking my head. She slapped and pulled my hair. I felt my lip bust, her nails scratch against my skin, drawing blood. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't fight back. I stood frozen with her screams and cries in my face. Her hands landing blow after blow. I let her because in some dark part of me I thought I deserved it.

I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't.

It's all that flittered through my mind. I couldn't do anything.

Finally, she was yanked away from me. I opened my eyes, taking shallow breaths.

I saw her struggling with Mads. He had her wrists in his tight grip. "Enough!" That deep, thick voice ordered.

"You ruined my life!" she yelled in his face and spat at him. "Devil's spawn. I should've drowned you when I had the chance! You killed him! You!"

Their argument shifted somewhere darker, faded away. My brain rushing through nonsense words. Shit that made no sense. My brother. Maddox was my brother. My brain short circuited.

I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't.

The words tumbled out of my brain. I couldn't.

Mom was sobbing somewhere.

Someone cupped my face. "Tomás, look at me."

"I couldn't. I couldn't." My mouth moved. I said words I couldn't hear.

"Son, look at me," the order splintered the wall I'd lifted around my mind.

I blinked. My mouth stopped moving. The image in front of me cleared. "Mads," I whispered. My body felt so damn drained. I smiled and that hurt too. "I think. I think. I don't want to stay anymore."

My legs crumbled under me and the last thing I remembered was Mad Dog carrying me back to the car.