Chapter Nineteen

Kieran

This was happening. Happening! I had to calm down. I slipped into the bathroom, cleaned up, took my insulin, cleaned up again, and with lube and condom in hand, went back into his room to find him asleep.

Well, that's a first. I almost started laughing.

I watched him, wondering things I shouldn't wonder. His lips parted slightly, his long lashes splashed on his cheeks. The guy was beautiful. Simple. Not my type. Come to think of it, I had no clue what my type even was. I'd never been with a man. And I couldn't deny my attraction to him. Not the way my body reacted to his nearness. I shouldn't have let it get this far. I considered leaving, but I wanted this so damn bad. For this moment, I didn't have to be this Kieran. I could be anyone. An illusion I made of myself to indulge in what I'd wanted most. Fuck it. I slipped under the covers with him. He stirred, and turned to me, seeking my warmth. Seeking me. I'd never allowed myself this with anyone. Sure, I could have hooked up with a stranger, but the risk had always outweighed the need.

Not this time.

Every touchpoint sent heat rushing through me. I hadn't realized how much bigger than me he was until that moment.

I stood an average five-ten, while he stood at least six feet. He wasn't as ripped as me. He was tall and lean. His firm definition came from his hyperactivities, not weight training. I'd never been with a guy. I'd used toys before, wondering if I'd feel emasculated if I bottomed, but nope. The prostate orgasm that had torn through me when I used a butt plug vibrator had been the best I'd had. Which was pathetic considering I'd been alone. Now with him, I wanted to try. Though it was probably the worst idea I'd ever had, I wanted this so damn bad. To just try. One time.

But I wasn't an asshole to take advantage of him like this. I put my alarm to wake me up in an hour before the guys came home so I could slip into my bedroom unnoticed. And then I closed my eyes.

It felt like seconds drifted by when I opened them. The morning sun seeped between the thick drapes. Morning. Shit. It took me a panicked second to realize I wasn't in my own room, my bed, and I wasn't alone. Last night came rushing back.

Tomás. Me. In a bed. Naked.

Sometime during the night, we shifted, and he was now behind me, spooning me. His arm around my waist.

I shifted slightly and felt his dick prodding my ass. I froze.

"Is this okay?" he mumbled, shifting slightly behind me. Absorbing me into his body. My chest tightened as the words I wanted to say tried to break loose. I didn't trust that he wouldn't use this information against me. He'd been right when he said my family would either kill me or exile me. I should wait until I was free of the Brennans to explore my sexuality. But I wanted this, with him. I wiggled away from his arms and turned to face him. His dark eyes shone with a brilliance against the dark. So fucking beautiful. I brushed my fingers across his forehead, moving the curls out of the way. His hair had grown since we shaved it during the hazing. A regret I kept burrowed behind my tainted heart. I grazed the scar just over his left ear. "What happened here?" I asked.

"It's a reminder of my second chance," he responded.

He was so beautiful. A perfect canvas of art. "I'm glad you got a second chance," I said like an idiot. My cheeks burned with a blush.

He shifted slightly, with a smile. "I lied," he admitted.

I felt my body tense up. "About?"

"I won't rat you out, so you don't have to kill me. Your secret, this," he grinded against my hard dick with his thigh, "will always be just between us."

And then he smiled. I wanted to find out what secrets he hid under his dark eyes, how he managed to make them shine whenever he smiled.

I was so doomed.

Leaning into him, I brushed my lips against his own. He inhaled sharply. I pressed deeper, just a gentle kiss. Tasting him. But Tomás wasn't one to be tamed. Wasn't one to wait. He jumped on me. His body over mine, straddling my hips, and savagely claimed my mouth. He tasted of toothpaste. He must've gotten up sometime in the middle of the night to brush his teeth and I hadn't even felt him.

I opened up to him, feeling his heated skin against my body. He grinded against me. The sensations almost too much for me. This had been what I had wanted for such a long time. To feel complete. Real. Not to fake it. Not an act. But to be my true self.

I tried to think of what I wanted to do to him, but it was difficult with his lips on mine. The fucker was a good kisser. He explored my mouth as if it were treasure. His tongue licked, sucked, and he nibbled my lips, then delved for more. I felt his racing heart against my chest. His arms trembled beside me as he held himself up.

Slowly, he pulled back, his eyes dilated. Then we were just breathing. "Was that okay?" he whispered, peppering me with kisses along my jaw. His hard length perfectly on mine. "Why can't I stop kissing you?"

I didn't want him to stop kissing me.

How he had managed to claim me in bed was something I'd have to review later. "Yeah," I breathed out. "It's perfect. Don't stop."

Fuck me. When had I gone soft?

He shifted. Nope. Soft was not a word I'd use to describe me right now.

"I want more, Kieran," he whispered into my ear.

I cupped his face and pulled him away. "No one can ever know about this," I said, putting enough authority in my voice to show him I wasn't playing around. "This happens once. Then we forget about it."

He nodded. "You can trust me."

I wanted to. I did. But I didn't. I kissed him anyway. This time, I forced him onto his back and straddled him. His fingers grazed my upper arm, and he trailed my glucose monitor. I'd forgotten I had left it on. "Does it bother you?" he asked.

"No."

"Does it hurt?"

My heart warmed. No one ever asked me that. "No. It's just a part of me."

He smirked, a blush on his cheeks. Without warning, he dropped me on the bed, climbing over me as if it were nothing, pinning my wrists above my head and leaning down to look at me. "I want to hear you cry out my name."

"You'll have to work for it," I said like an ass. Then I remembered we weren't alone. Although I didn't hear the guys anywhere, they had to be home. I had to keep it quiet. We had to be careful.

That thought got scattered to nothing when he smirked. He released my wrists and trailed kisses down my chest, twirling his tongue around my nipples. I arched into him, my dick leaking. He slipped lower, looking at me for direction. I couldn't give him any. The words got stuck in my throat. Then he smirked and licked his lips. His pupils blown.

Oh, fuck. I wasn't going to last. I knew it the moment his lips hovered over my tip and his eyes lifted to mine as if asking for permission I couldn't give him. He didn't need it. His tongue slipped out and he licked my slit, then he took my length in his mouth, his tongue doing something to my shaft that made my whole body break out in heat. I'd had more than a dozen blowjobs with girls, but this, with him, shocked all my nerve endings into firing all at once. I was gone and didn't even care if I ever made it back.

"Tomás," I moaned because I couldn't stop. My hands in his hair, my hips jerking to the motion of his mouth. All of it too damn much. "I'm going to come, baby," I said, trying to breathe. "I'm coming. Tomás, please." I didn't know what I was asking for, but I needed it now!

I felt him hum. The vibration the last piece I needed to shatter into a million microscopic pieces. I came hard into his mouth. Because Tomás hadn't pulled away. He took it all. Every last drop and licked my tip as if I were some sort of morsel.

"Mmm," he said, with a heated smile. "That was good."

I slumped on the bed, threw my arm across my eyes, and tried to steady the fiber of my being. I had to remember this wasn't who I was. I had to remember the killer inside of me. The possessive controlling powerful motherfucker that I'd trained as a killer. I had to remember my mission. To destroy the very crime family that ruined my life. Tomás wasn't part of that plan. He wasn't part of my life.

I had to remember that and hold on to it in order to survive.