Chapter 40

Istare at the little white stick, my eyebrows drawn down and my stomach spinning like it has been through a speed cycle in a washing machine. I'm not sure how I feel about the results. Having a baby right now probably isn't the best idea. I'm still very much in the grieving stage of losing Eliana and Ryder, despite it being five years since they were taken. My head was protecting me from a horrific past, but it also hindered my healing process.

My eyes return to the stick and its single blue line.

Not pregnant.

There's a part of me that's relieved that we won't have a baby in the next however many months. Yet, a bigger part of me, one I didn't even realize existed, aches with longing.

Having a child, a little baby to cherish and love, would be a blessing. Hunter was a wonderful father to our children. He was a natural from the first moment he held Eliana in his arms. The look in his eyes told me she would have him wrapped around her little finger in no time. And she did. He would have done anything to make our daughter smile and laugh. But she was always my little princess. Each morning, she sat at my vanity as I dressed and got ready for the day. We'd talk and laugh about anything and everything. She was my best friend, and I was hers.

Ryder was my little man. When he started walking, he followed me around the house, babbling away in toddler gibberish. He loved helping me bake desserts. His favorite was when he got to help with the blender. He'd giggle because the vibrations of the machine tickled him.

He was also very much a daddy's boy. Hunter would take him outside whenever he did yard work. Most of the lawn maintenance was handled by a gardener, but Hunter always insisted on mowing because Ryder loved riding the mower with his daddy.

We were all happy. The perfect family.

Until it was all ripped away.

A tear slips down my cheek, and I swipe it away. I feel lost without Eliana and Ryder in our lives, but I'm finally starting to remember that as much as I miss them and wish they were here, I'm still here. Hunter is still here. And we need each other to fully heal. To move past this.

I feel the bed dip beside me and it's only then that I realize Hunter has walked into the bedroom. I was so focused on my thoughts I didn't see him come in.

Before he can say anything, I hand over the pregnancy test. He looks down as he takes it. He pulls in a breath, and I'm not sure whether he's relieved or disappointed.

"Are you upset?" he asks, setting the test down on the bed and grabbing my hand.

"I don't know." I glance at the test before looking at him. "I think a part of me is, and I don't know how to feel about that."

"You can feel however you want, baby. No feeling is wrong."

I nod and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. "What about you? Are you disappointed it was negative?"

He tugs at my hand, so I get to my feet. Pulling me forward, he spreads his legs so I stand between them. His hands touch the back of my thighs, and his head tips back so his eyes meet mine.

"What I feel is that I would love to have another baby with you. You have so much love inside you, Cat. Me, Eli, and Ryder are not the only ones you're supposed to give that love to. God built you to love more than us." He leans forward and kisses my stomach over my shirt. "And one day, when it's meant to be, we'll have that other person you were meant to love." Tears spring to my eyes and he reaches up, rubbing his thumb over one when it falls down my cheek. "I don't know if right now is the time for that. I would have been happy if it were. But that doesn't mean I'm sad because it didn't happen."

He's right. I know that. We still have some time to have more children. We need to spend right now healing, making sure we're whole when we do decide to add to our family.

I sniff and give him a watery smile. "One day."

He returns it with one of his own. "One day."

* * *

When I hear growlsfrom beside me, I jerk upright in bed. My heart dives to my toes when I see Hunter thrashing beneath the sheets. His brows are pinched low and his forehead is dotted with a light sheen of sweat.

Taking care not to startle him, I lay my hand over his heart. It beats a mile a minute beneath my palm.

"Hunter," I call quietly, trying to gently wake him from his nightmare.

They've been happening since Jimmy did what he did nearly a month ago. Almost every night. My own nightmares have diminished. Maybe it's because I now remember what happened, so I don't need them to try and remind me. Or perhaps it's because Hunter is suffering through his own nightmares and now it's my turn to be there for him.

I hate to see him going through this. I realize now just how emotionally draining it must have been for him when I woke him up with my own nightmares. It's almost more debilitating for the person witnessing the struggle. It makes them feel helpless because they can't do anything to lessen the pain and fear.

I get no reaction when I call his name, so I get to my knees and bend over him. As I cup his cheek, a lump forms in my throat, threatening to choke me when I see the pain crippling his face.

"Hunter," I call again, a little louder this time.

His eyes snap open and instantly, they find me in the dark. The next thing I know, he's sitting up and pulling me onto his lap. I straddle his thighs and he buries his face in my neck. His hot and heavy breath warms the chill in my bones.

"Jesus," he mutters, his voice muffled against my neck.

I run one hand through his hair and the other up and down his back, giving him the comfort he's given me so many times over the years. "It's okay. It was just a nightmare."

He pulls back, but puts both of his hands on my cheeks to bring our foreheads together. When he speaks, his voice is raw. "It was real. You were laid out on that fucking table with Jimmy lying over you. Except this time, he got what he wanted. I was stuck in that motherfucking chair and had to watch him rape you and then slit your throat right as he finished."

His words evoke an image in my head of when Ryder and Eliana were killed the same way. I push the unwanted vision away.

Hunter's breathing is hard and his eyes look frantic. It's almost like he's still stuck in his dream, watching the nightmare play out.

I drop my head, laying my lips against his, hoping to distract him.

"I'm right here," I tell him quietly. "Jimmy's gone. He's dead. He can't hurt us anymore. And I'm right here. Safe with you." Taking his hand, I place it around my throat, making sure his fingers touch the spot I want him to feel. "Feel me, Hunter. No blood. No gash. Only my pulse."

Some of the panic leaves his eyes and he lets out a long breath. "Yeah."

With my fingers running through the hair on his head, I tilt his head back and drop my mouth to his. As our lips meet, mine open automatically, seeking out his tongue. He doesn't disappoint.

I moan, loving his taste. We haven't had sex since Jimmy hurt me. I've wanted to, but Hunter insisted we wait until I'm completely healed. I only suffered a few minor cuts around the opening of my vagina and some light bruises. It only took a few days to heal. I think Hunter was more worried about my emotional state.

Now I worry about him. I want to take the visions of his nightmare and replace them with something good.

"I want you," I murmur over his lips.

He pulls his head back, his eyes searching mine. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say, then grind my ass against him to be sure he understands. He groans and grips my hips, moving me back an inch so he's rubbing against my pussy.

His hands slide upward under my shirt, and he whips it off. Once the material is over my head, his head drops and his lips surround my nipple. He sucks deep, his teeth scraping across the sensitive flesh. I arch my back and push more of myself against his mouth. I scrape my nails down his muscular back and grind down harder, feeling the length of his cock rubbing against the soft cotton of my shorts.

I need him deep inside me. I want his warm flesh against mine. I want to be full of him and never again know what it's like to be empty.

I fall back on my butt and lift my legs, grabbing the hem of my shorts to pull them off. Hunter helps me, and as soon as they are down my legs and tossed to the floor, I'm back on my knees with my legs on either side of his. Reaching down between us, I slide my hand into his briefs and wrap my fingers around his swollen cock. He's rock hard, but smooth, and I feel a little pulse on the underside of the head.

After I tug him free of the material, I lift up and touch the head against my opening. My eyes remain fixed on him as I pant, my heart fluttering with anticipation. As I slide down his shaft, he groans, his fingers digging into the flesh of my ass.

"So goddamn tight, baby," he says roughly. "I could stay in you for days and still want more."

With my hands on his shoulders, I lift up until he's halfway out and then fall back down. A little cry leaves my lips. "Don't ever leave."

"Never," he growls.

I fuck him slowly for a few strokes before picking up speed. My boobs bounce between us, the tips scraping along the coarse hairs on his chest, adding to my pleasure. As his hands dig into my ass cheeks, he picks me up and lets me fall back down. Over and over. Up and down. In and out. His cock rubs against my smooth inner walls and with each glide, my desire heightens.

He lifts up so he's on his knees. My legs lock around his waist and my arms encircle his neck, holding him tightly. Grunts fill the room as he continues to slam me down on his length, his fingers biting into my ass so hard I expect to see marks later.

It only lasts a moment before I'm falling back to bed with him on top of me. As he goes deeper, I let out a hoarse cry when he hits a spot that shoots sparks of delicious electricity through me.

"So fucking beautiful."

I open my eyes and look at my husband. There's so much heat and love shining in the green of his.

"In every way a person can be beautiful," he continues.

I've always counted myself lucky to have such a special man like Hunter.

I slide my hand across his cheek, the little prickles that've grown overnight abrading my palm. "Hunter," I say softly. "Love me."

"Always," he groans, pushing his hips forward and smashing his pubic bone against my clit. Just how he knows I like it.

With one hand, he laces our fingers together then lifts our arms so both of them are wrapped around the top of my head. The other hand slides down one of my legs until it reaches the back of my thigh. He lifts it so it's over his shoulder. His weight drops down on me as he wedges his arm under and up my back so he curls his fingers around my shoulder. This new position is almost suffocating, but I love it, because I'm completely surrounded by him.

Moving his hips, he lifts a few inches before pushing back inside and grinding against me. He holds me by my shoulder, keeping me in place as he fucks me slow and deep. My breath catches, and I let out a long moan, feeling the tingles begin in my belly and work their way down my legs and shoot up my torso.

"Oh God, Hunter," I whimper. "That feels…."

"Fucking incredible," he finishes for me.

"Yes."

He takes me like this, slowly and softly, until we're both shouting out our release. He releases my leg, and I hug it around his waist like the other. He stays inside me as he rolls to his back with me lying on his chest.

And that's how we drift off to sleep.