Afterword

AFTERWORD

Roses…we made it. Finally.

This has been such a journey, not only for me, but all of you as well. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for not giving up on this series. For not giving up on me. For being patient and kind and supportive.

I’ve written this note in my head so many times and now that I’m sitting here at my laptop typing, I have no words. Shattered Chaos was my very first book and this book makes it my very first completed series and I had no idea all the places this series would take me. What it would all turn into.

When I first started plotting and writing this series I put little pieces of myself into these characters. Ideas about trauma that I wanted to explore. I didn’t always realize what I was doing, or what I was creating, but as time went on it became clear to me. I was pouring my heart and soul into these characters. Tearing open old wounds and bleeding on these pages. And I’m not the only one who figured it out. I have had so many amazing readers reach out to me to talk about the mental health aspects of this books. How they related and felt seen by words I had written.

Nothing in my life has made me happier than knowing that something I created has helped other people. Readers who feel the same way I do. And I’ve never been more disappointed in myself as when I felt like I was letting those same people down.

I won’t trauma dump on you all, this series has done more than enough of that. But there was a reader in my group who commented how excited she was for this book, but even more excited to hear the positive mental health updates I was giving as I finished it. Her comment hit me hard because there are more ways than just my stories to connect with other readers who may be struggling. I can do it with my honesty and transparency too.

I put more of my own trauma in this series than I had ever realized. Put things in here that I wasn’t quite ready to confront and process. I could write about the pain, the confusion, the loneliness all day long. But when I got to this book, the final piece, the piece meant to focus on healing and moving forward, I realized I didn’t have the words. There were several incidents that triggered me into a downward mental spiral after the release of Vicious Chaos. None that were related to my books in any way, but at the same time deeply rooted in the themes I had put into this series.

Beautiful Chaos did not turn out the way I had initially thought it would. I was in an incredibly fragile state of mind for a long time and for months I called this book my Bruno because I wasn’t strong enough to embrace the beauty in the chaos. To listen to the message I wanted to send to other people struggling.

It’s okay to have scars, to be a little broken, or even a lotta bit broken. It’s okay to forgive people, but it’s also okay to not be ready to. To struggle with that decision and what it means. It’s okay to move on and it’s also okay to have set backs. Healing doesn’t have an ending point and it’s not always linear. There are ups and downs, and some times old wounds resurface and cut deeper than you thought was even possible. That doesn’t mean all the work you’ve done up until that point isn’t valid. Doesn’t make all the healing and growth and trauma you’ve surpassed worthless.

Maybe you don’t need to hear that message, but I did. And Scar did too. And it took me a lot of time to sort out my own issues to be able to write her story in the way it deserved, broken pieces and all. So thank you for waiting for us. If you made it this far into the note, thank you for your patience. This book never would have been possible without all of my readers cheering me on, encouraging me to take care of myself first and foremost. And of course without my team.

My day one, the love of my life, the one and only, Gn Wright, has to deal with me more than you will ever know. She’s my biggest supporter and the one who will always call me out on my shit. She’s my partner in crime, the one who vibes out the plot with me, the one who listens to me cry, and never judges when I disappear for days, or even weeks, when I’m having my dark and twisties. If you spotted all the Black Hallows references and are intrigued to find out more about the mini psychos and what happened in their town, look no further than my girl’s Black Hallows series, just remember Asher is mine.

And the rest of my team, Alysha, Vy, Heather, Nicole, and Jamie. Y’all help keep a girl sane. Somewhat. These are the women behind the words who help make this book that much better. That help keep the group running when I’m losing my mind, find plot holes, demand I write the sex scenes, fix all my typos and missing words, and are just there with me through the different parts of this writing process to keep it going. I can’t say thank you enough to the team I have at my side. I love you all.

I love these characters with my whole soul, and I know I’ve said it before, but this is just the beginning of this world. There are many more stories and characters I want to explore. And yes, there are more than a few Easter eggs for what’s to come in this book. I hope the Merry band of Psychos were worth the wait, that you all love them as much as I do, and that you’re ready for all the chaos this world has yet to bring.

I mean it when I say this won’t be the last we see of this crew, so until next time.

Xoxo

Samantha Bee