Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two Scar

My body achesin the most delicious of ways. The jitters from earlier have finally subsided and clarity has cleared the last of the daze I’ve been in for the past several days.

Looking back, I can recognize the odd thought patterns, the irregular behavior, the inability to sleep, but while going through it I couldn’t see just how off I was. How out of sorts I felt until I started to regulate again. It’s a new and disorienting feeling.

Kade and Luca lead us down the hallway and push open the door to the hotel room, barely having to stop. Declan and Noah are right behind me, practically touching my shoulders with theirs as if they need to be concerned about me trying to bolt. I’d roll my eyes, but I can’t exactly blame them after the stunt I pulled today. At least they weren’t too furious.

I push through the guys and my weird mood evaporates when I catch sight of Josie sitting on the couch, looking out the window. She jumps to her feet as soon as she sees me and we both throw ourselves at the other, laughing.

Her eyes shine with moisture and I cock my head in confusion. She releases me from her hug and lands a resounding slap on my ass. “You weren’t supposed to disappear!”

I cringe at the rebuke. Apparently I’m not done being raked over the coals for the decisions I’ve made today. “It all worked out,” I say, adopting a casual air I don’t feel. Several grunts behind me tell me the guys aren’t quite as over it as I may have thought. Maybe torture and orgasms weren’t enough to make my mistake disappear. Who would have thought? It probably would have worked on me.

Josie’s eyes travel past me and she smirks and huffs a near-silent laugh. Charles gives her an awkward wave and half smile, clearly not knowing how she’s going to respond to his being here. Josie may not have been in a high position at our high school, but she never let that stop her from doing her damn best to defend me during the worst days of my life.

“Never thought I’d see the two of you in the same room again.” She gives me an appraising look. “And so cordial too.”

I wave away her words. “People grow up, new truths come to light, yada yada.”

Charles hangs his head in shame. He takes a deep breath and meets her eyes, a sincerity burning in his gaze I know for a fact wasn’t there when he had this conversation with the guys.

“If I had the power back then to do more, I would have. I swear, even when it didn’t look like it, I was always doing my best to protect her.”

Josie walks up to him, her heels clacking against the tile of the entryway. I should really get her and Rachel together. We could probably plan world domination between us. She pats him on the cheek. “It is quite nice to discover you aren’t the monster douche canoe we once thought you were.”

I can’t help the snort that escapes me. I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that the always eloquent Josie just said monster douche canoe, or Charles’ face when she did.

The guys all break up into different conversations, breaking the moment up. A slight tremble begins in my fingers and they twitch with the craving of control and the sweet burn of nicotine. As everyone begins to split up into jobs now that we have new intel, I decide to slip into the adjoining room and finally change out of this dress. Luca has this under control, they don’t need me for now. At least not until I can pin down the sense of unease in my gut.

After changing into comfier clothes, I sneak out onto the balcony with my old lucky lighter and a pack of cigarettes. Somehow, I don’t think one will be enough to settle the riotous emotions building in me.

It doesn’t even surprise me when Josie plops down beside me before I even have the chance to light my first cigarette. She eyes it distastefully, but I don’t react as I lift it to my lips, inhaling deeply as I hold the lighter to the tip of it.

She waits for me to take several inhales and exhale the light clouds of smoke. My eyes focus on the wisps as they ascend above us, floating away into nothing and disappearing. For so long I wished to follow those wisps and escape into the nothingness. Wished that the fire had destroyed what was left of me.

Was the girl who made that decision today the same girl who wished for that? Or was it something different? Some new part of myself I don’t understand? I don’t know what’s more terrifying to me.

“What has you feeling out of control?”

I flick the ash off the end of my cigarette and roll the smoke over my tongue, slowly exhaling it before I answer Josie, “I fucked up.”

She nods, not even bothering to try and console me that it wasn’t that bad. “It’s not the first time,” she points out. Some may think she’s teasing, but we know each other better than that. She knows I’m not one to wallow in my own mistakes.

“I thought I was past these types of fuck ups.” An arched brow pushes me to keep explaining. “The reckless, putting myself in danger, not caring if I live or die types of mistakes.”

“Is that what this was?”

Her soft, soothing voice makes the tension ease out of my shoulders as I drop the defensiveness as I fully consider her question. It isn’t until I’m halfway through my second cigarette that I finally respond, “I don’t know.”

She claps her hands together, never fazed by anything I throw at her. After all these years, I should know she’s as solid as they come. An unmovable rock that will forever be on my side, and yet she still surprises me. She doesn’t fit in this life. The blood and greed and mayhem we’re surrounded with. She’s the light at the end of the dark tunnel, the path to a better life, the hope people like me cling to on our very worst days. Yet, she’s as infallible as ever.

“Then let’s go through it.” Her tone is far too cheery for the subject matter and my expression must say my thoughts because she flips me off. “Come on, it’ll help. Tell me about a time that you made choices that weren’t in your best interest. Other than today.”

It doesn’t take long to come up with the day I hid the fact I had been shot in the arm while we were saving Roe. She glares at me as I fess up to the incident that hadn’t reached her ears, but she doesn’t lecture me.

“What was the thought process behind that?”

I take a moment to reflect back on those moments, the pain in my arm, the slickness of the blood seeping into my clothes and running down my skin, the weight of my baby girl in my arms for the first time. “I knew I could handle the pain and blood loss more than she could handle her fear. She was more important to me, even then. It didn’t matter if it hurt me in the long run, as long as she was okay, as long as she was safe. It was easy to just push through.”

She tilts her head to the side as she studies me. “Would you make the same call now?”

I chew my lip and put out the butt of my cigarette but don’t reach for a new one. At least not yet. “Probably,” I admit. “I’ll always put that little girl’s needs above my own and she needed me in that moment even if I was hurting.” Before she can chastise me, I put up my hands in my defense. “But I would come clean as soon as we were in the tunnels. Instead of running injured, I would have asked Luca and Kade to take the few minutes it would take to patch me up to minimize the damage it inflicted on me. At least mitigate some of the blood loss.”

She scoffs. “At least that’s somewhat rational.” I don’t have anything to say to that. I have a hard time believing any mom would do anything different. We aren’t rational about our kids and that girl was my daughter from the moment I laid my eyes on her, even if I didn’t know it right away. “Why didn’t you though? It wouldn’t have hurt her to wait for just a few minutes, like you said.”

The answer weighs heavily on me and brings up an old sense of guilt. “I just didn’t care enough.”

“About yourself?” she clarifies and I nod. The agreement sits thickly between us. Her voice is just above a whisper, the emotion evident in the husk it takes as she continues. “And what about today? What was running through your head when you decided to use yourself as bait? Noah said you kept referring to a plan, but it was one only you knew. That’s not like you.”

“I know,” I whisper back. Confusion and anguish at the distress I caused them drowning me. “A lot was running through my head. A lot,” I admit. “This fear that even if we went to the party and found your tails, it wouldn’t lead anywhere. That someone else would recognize me and my cover would be blown and I wouldn’t get to have my revenge on my terms. Hope that answers were just at the tip of my fingers. Anger that Romano had them and I killed him in a rage. Guilt that I lost control.”

“Did you think using yourself as bait would help you regain that control?”

My head aches as I try to sort through everything that was running through my brain and try to explain it in a way that makes sense. An impossible task when I consider how fast and erratic the thoughts were.

“Maybe?” I shake my head. “It was this fleeting thought that just crossed through my mind, and then before I knew it I recognized an opportunity to put it into action and I didn’t hesitate. I was already tied up in his back seat before I even really realized what I had done.”

She shudders and I know she’s doing her best to push away her own fear at my impulsivity. “And when you were tied up in his back seat, were you scared?”

I shrug as I check my nails. I don’t think she’s going to like my answer. “Not really.”

“Why?”

My fingers twitch and I crave another cigarette. “I knew I was stronger than him. Knew I could escape at any time I wanted.”

“And why didn’t you?”

I cave and pull out another cigarette and light it up. It’s a twisted logic that ran through my head, but it still makes sense to me, even if it was the wrong call. “I trusted the guys to find me and knew there were answers to be found right where I was.”

She claps her hands together again. “Well, there you go.” She rolls her eyes at my silence. “While reckless and stupid and dangerous, it wasn’t out of a passive suicidalness. It wasn’t because you didn’t care what happened to you, you just got so lost in the big picture you didn’t take into account the step-by-step of how to get there.”

I exhale slowly, thinking about her words. “So I’m not suicidal, just stupid?”

She clicks her tongue. “You said it, not me.”

We both break our serious expressions and burst out laughing. Some of my agitation eases but I can’t help but still overthink the whole thing.

Josie sombers as she watches me. “In all seriousness, I think the problem is something different. Something you’ve probably experienced but never had the tools to truly realize how out of sorts you were feeling because you didn’t have a good baseline of emotions and now you do.” She taps her fingers on the side of the wicker loveseat we’re sitting on. “I’m not a therapist, but I think you were having something like a manic episode.”

I sit back in the chair and focus on the smoke again. I’m not a therapist either, but I know a bit about mania. It can be associated with a few different disorders, but I’m not an expert in any way, shape, or form. “Maybe,” I concede.

“Would you ever consider talking to someone?”

I give her a droll look. “And how would that therapy session go? I was feeling a little amped up from not being able to kill my abusers fast enough so I hunted their minions down and tortured them for hours while three of my boyfriends made me orgasm multiple times?”

She narrows her eyes at me. “Probably too much information, even for me.”

“You know how I feel about therapy. It really helps so many of the victims we’ve saved.” She nods her agreement. “But there’s always the exception. I’ve gone too far into the shadows to try and heal the healthy way now. I don’t think murdering people will ever be an acceptable coping mechanism.”

“Fair enough,” Josie concedes and we both burst into laughter again before slipping into a comfortable silence. Her theory makes sense, and while new and still unsettling it’s something I can handle. Something to look into and learn about. I don’t feel as lost anymore.

The door slides open and my brows furrow when it’s Tyler instead of one of my guys.

“Hey, Ty.” Josie smiles as she squeezes my knee. “I was just about to head in.”

He pulls out a cigarette from behind his ear. “Was just coming out for a smoke.” She gets up and heads inside while he plops down beside me, lighting up. I follow suit as I watch Josie close the door behind her. His eyes don’t follow her.

“Thought you might be into Josie for a second there,” I admit.

Ty snorts and gives me an exasperated look. “What made you think that?”

I shrug and inhale slowly. The burn is not as satisfying now that I’ve calmed down but there’s still a certain peace I can only find with my lungs full of the poison smoke. “You were so eager to take this job and then at the gala you had your hands all over her.”

He laughs wryly, not giving much away. He’s always been the most closed off of our not-so-little group. Almost as much as Mikey when I first met him. Though I don’t think anyone can master that level of stone-faced fuck-offness.

“We thought a lover was a better cover than just an ordinary employee. It means I can be seen coming in and out of her house without causing issues. It’s made for some interesting office gossip, but Josie finds it all amusing so we’ve rolled with it.”

Makes sense. Behind closed doors, I haven’t gotten any vibes from either of them like when we were at the gala. That’s good, I can’t quite picture the two of them together. They’re both too introverted. Tyler needs a girl that’s loud and full of life and sass and fire. Someone who will go toe-to-toe with him and challenge him to open up and relax.

Josie, on the other hand, needs someone that can be laid-back and easygoing. Someone that will teach her how to de-stress and unwind without cooping herself up in her house all weekend. She needs someone who will make her laugh but will never be the loudest person in the room either. Someone to draw her out without overwhelming her. Someone who shows her how much she shines and shines with her.

They both need different things that just don’t fit together. It only leaves one question.

“So why have you been so eager to get out of St Graves? What demons are chasing you?”

He gives me a dry look. “Your demons.”

I cackle. A throw-my-head-back in a body-shaking, soul-deep type of cackle. It feels good even as Tyler looks at me like I really might have a screw loose. Probably more than a few.

“Obviously,” I agree, wiping my eyes. “But you knew what you were signing up for. We would have let you out at any point if it was too much. You know it too.”

His expression morphs into a somewhat guilty one. “It’s not that. I don’t regret being a Bleeding Rose, Scar. It’s the most secure home I’ve ever found.”

Relief pours through me at his words. I don’t want anyone to be feeling stuck due to obligation. That isn’t what our family is about. “Then why have you been the first to volunteer for every mission out of the city? Here, Black Hallows?”

He finishes his cigarette as he stares over the city below us. After several moments he sighs. “This needs something a little heavier.” He pulls a joint out from his pocket and I arch a brow but it’s only slightly squished. “You in?”

Obviously. It’s been awhile since I’ve smoked anything, but it used to be part of our regular routine. It sounds like exactly what I need to shake off the rest of my heavy mood. I nod as he lights up and we sit together, passing the joint back and forth a couple of times, letting the sweet and thick smoke fill my lungs and holding it until I can no longer stand it. It’s a different type of burn followed by something much sweeter than nicotine alone could ever give me.

By the time Tyler finally answers, I’ve almost forgotten what I had asked. “I have people I need to protect. For a long time, that meant always being at their side. But now…” he trails off.

I get it. “With the devil on our heels, distance is the best protection we can offer them.” I hate how much I really do understand. I always thought Ty’s only family left was his mother. He takes care of her, but I get the feeling she isn’t who he’s talking about. He doesn’t have any kids or siblings. They would have been with Roe and the boys if he did. That leaves only one option.

“Is it a girl?” The weed is going straight to my head and I can’t help but grin as I ask him. I must not be alone in letting the high take over, because Ty is more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him as he groans, putting his face in his hands.

I shoot up, making myself dizzy. “Oh my god, it is.”

He flips me off and takes another hit before passing it back to me. “Yes, she is a girl. My neighbor.” He cuts off my excitement by waving me off. “But not the type of girl you’re thinking of. She’s still a kid. Or at least, she was when I left.”

I hold my tongue, sensing there’s more than what he’s saying. Tyler is the youngest of the crew, if we don’t include Jade.

He checks his phone and sighs. “It’s been over a year since I’ve seen her.” I raise my brows in surprise. Yeah, our fight has dragged out, but he’s been in St Graves plenty over the last year. Why hasn’t he gone back to check on her if he’s so worried? “She’s seventeen now. I missed two of her birthdays,” he says dejectedly, full of self-loathing.

Okay seventeen. Not that far off from Jade after all. I was picturing a child the way he’s talking about her.

“You cut contact completely?” I ask surprised.

He nods. “It was better than risking her being linked back to me. She has more than enough demons chasing her without adding ours. It isn’t just her I need to protect. She’s got younger siblings. Her sister was just a baby when I left her and her mom is useless. They’re the only family I really know. I’d never forgive myself if they got wrapped up in this.”

At least that much I can relate to. “But cutting her off completely?” I can’t help but push. Family isn’t supposed to run away. The guys taught me that. Apparently I have grown after all.

“It was better until we got our situation under control at least. It’s hard to be in the same city, to be so close, and know I can’t go check on them. I can’t reach out to her and risk dragging them into this.”

Fair enough. I would argue that it’s probably harder on both of them to do it this way, and we could protect her and her siblings, but it’s clear he’s made up his mind. I’ve been where he is before, nothing I say will change his mind.

“Well,” I offer, “if you ever change your mind, you know we’ll protect your girl.”

“She’s not my girl,” he growls.

“To-ma-to, to-mah,toe.” I shrug. They might all be his family, but he’s talking mostly about the seventeen-year-old. It says enough to me. At least I know he’s not just a creep preying on her, but no way seeing her as a child will last forever. He’s going to be in for a rude awakening when he does go back home to find out she grew up without him. “We’ll protect her either way.”

His body sags. “I know you would, but I’d rather her just not have anything to be protected from in the first place.”

“Touche.” He puts out the joint as we finish it. We watch the sun rising on the horizon. Our sleep schedules are so fucked up at this point, I have no idea how we will ever regulate them again.

“You know,” Ty drawls slowly. “You can’t hide forever. They aren’t going to let you stay out here forever.”

Deny. Deny. Deny.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He scoffs. “Sure. You’re definitely unaware you have five, still very angry, boyfriends just waiting for you inside. Even I know their preferred way of working out their anger.”

I drop my smile and flip him off. “You’re an asshole.”

“You already knew that.” He grins as the door slides open and I’m quick to jump to my feet as Ryder comes out. Oh shit, my time of hiding is quickly running out. Time to run.

“I was just heading inside,” I murmur quickly. “Getting chilly.”

“Uh huh,” Ryder hums while Tyler cackles. Fucking ass.

I push past Ry and walk into the room and straight up to Charles.

“Charles, just who I wanted to see.”

His eyes widen as I beeline straight for him.

“Oh, I don’t think so, Letty. No more hiding.” Strong arms band around my waist and effortlessly lift me into the air. Next thing I know, I’m ass up with an ass in my face. A nice ass. A very nice ass. But an ass nonetheless. I reach out and pinch it. Hard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make Luca drop me. Rather, his large palm lands across my ass. Harder.

I yelp. “Put me down, dickhole.”

“No chance, Ladybug,” Kade coos and pats me on the ass. At least he does it much softer than Luca.

“You deserve some punishment, baby girl.”

“Good luck,” Charles taunts and waves as Luca carries me out of the hotel room. I turn my head to find Noah grinning down at me.

“We have our own floor.”

That sounds more like a threat than a promise.