Chapter 11

My heart was breaking over losing dad. The little girl in me still yearns for her father.

I had my father cremated once I was discharged from the hospital and scattered his ashes outside the apple orchard. Others thought I was crazy for giving him a proper burial, but I paid them no mind. Tia and Abuela were the only people who understood why I did what I did. I had to force myself to focus on the good memories Dad left behind. I had to believe he was possessed by a demon who hurt us more than we could ever imagine possible. There was no point in staying angry at him for what he did because what good would it do?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing but bring pain; pain from everything shoved behind it and pushing to get out. If all that it contained came spewing out, there is no way in hell I will ever recover from the torment.

"Sadie? What are you thinking about right now?" Dr. Eva asks as she crosses her legs with notepad and pen in hand.

I've been sitting in her office listening to the tick-tock from the clock on her desk for the past half hour, not wanting to be here a second longer.

"Nothing. I'm thinking about nothing." I tuck my hands underneath my thighs.

"Sadie. You went through a traumatic experience and need to process those thoughts and feelings." Her tone is soft and calming.

Thoughts and feelings, thoughts and feelings, blah, blah, blah.

My knee bounces while I stare out the window. It's been cloudy the past few days and in the low twenties. Dr. Eva's office has a nice view of the city skyline, the tall trees coated in powdered snow, crystal-like flakes drifting with the breeze, and the fluffy white clouds that overshadow the city.

Many people believe sadness overpowers their senses on a cloudy day, but for me, a sense of calm envelopes me like a warm blanket tucked in front of a fireplace.

It's quiet and peaceful. My mind shuts off for one day and all emotions have vanished.

I'm completely at its mercy.

"I love these days," I whisper, wiping the tears from my face that I didn't realize until now were falling.

"What days, Sadie?"

"Quiet days, like today. Dark, gloomy skies give me peace. It's when I'm the calmest."

"And why do you think that is?"

"Because right now I don't feel anything. And today, I don't want to feel, think, or process. You know why?" I don't wait for a response. I turn away from the window to face Dr. Eva.

"Because it hurts. It hurts too much knowing there's nothing I can do to make the pain go away. It's stuck in here"— pointing to my head— "and here"— pointing to my heart. "My father's gone, my mother is in a coma, my brother is missing, and I can't do a damn thing about it, and the more I think about them—" I sniffle and wipe the tears from my face turning away from Dr. Eva—"The deader I feel inside. And I need to stay alive for my little girl."

There are three missed calls and two unread text messages when I pull up to Abuela's. I haven't been home since it happened, and I don't know if I can ever return.

My phone vibrates again.

Emotionally spent after my session with Dr. Eva, I ignore the call and slide out of my car. As I walk up the steps and turn the lock, I hear laughing and voices as I enter the house. I hang up my coat in the front closet and place my purse and keys on the table beside it.

I follow the voices to the living room and tears of joy build up behind my eyes as I take in the scene in front of me. I lean against the frame to enjoy the moment.

Abuela sits in her rocker knitting the blanket for Sophia she's been working on since the accident. My chest tightens at the thought of Abuela blaming herself for what happened to mom. Mom never reported the abuse because she was afraid Dad would retaliate tenfold. Punishing Mom by aiming his anger toward his children. For the longest time, Mom believed she was the cause for the beatings, which in her eyes made her weak, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Mom is the strongest person I have ever known.

Day in and out, she worked her ass off to support her children by keeping a roof over our heads, rice and beans in our tummies, and warm beds to sleep in. If I didn't spend half the time hating and blaming her for never leaving Dad, I failed to see what was hiding underneath her tough fa?ade. Shame for failing her family, fear her children would suffer a greater danger if we left, and belief that he would change one day, all while hoping that the last beating would be the last. As much as she could, Mom used what strength she had left to take the beatings for us. I close my eyes and rewind the past like an old movie, trying to reconstruct my favorite scenes.

The way Mom would blast her favorite Marc Anthony song and dance while she vacuumed or stood behind the stove cooking. Once a week we walked a few miles to the grocery store. She made sure to stop by the local park each time so Josiah and I could have a taste of a normal childhood. At night she read to us, prayed with us, and checked on us a few times a night to make sure we were safe.

There wasn't a day that she never said, "I love you," or told us how proud we made her, even when we made choices that disappointed her.

She sacrificed herself by putting us first. She protected us the best way she knew how. I know that now.

I glance over at Ash who sits on the couch with Sophia in his lap. He's bouncing her up and down as she makes adorable baby noises. Donnie sits on the floor folding Sophia's laundry.

"Hey." Donnie is the first person to notice me, just like when we were kids. He always knew when I was nearby.

"Hey." I push off the wall and walk over to Abuela first.

"Dios bendiga, Abuela." I kiss her cheek.

"Mi nieta favorita." She pats my cheek with a smile.

"Soy tu única nieta." I chuckle and walk toward my baby girl.

"Hey, sweet girl." I grab her from Ash and kiss her chubby cheek, squeezing her tight in my arms. She squeezes and sucks her plush baseball toy.

"You doing ok?" Ash sits forward holding Sophia's favorite blankie between his legs.

"As good as I can be." I bounce Sophia in my arms and walk toward her bedroom. "Let's go change your diaper, baby girl."

I look over my shoulder hoping Donnie will follow me. There is so much I need to say to him.

I lay Sophia on the changing table and remove her soiled diaper. I blow raspberries on her tummy. She kicks her legs out, grabs my hair, and lets out a high-pitched laugh, making me smile big and want to cry at the same time. She's my light and my strength throughout this nightmare.

I turn around with Sophia in my arms after she's changed and flinch when I notice Donnie leaning against the frame with his arms folded across his chest and a sexy smirk on his face. Sophia giggles and kicks her legs and hands, trying to wiggle free while she reaches for him.

"Hey, peanut," he coos and walks toward us, holding his arms out to her.

She doesn't hesitate. It's like she can't wait any longer to be in his arms. Sophia puts her fingers in his mouth and he nibbles them, pretending to eat her fingers. She giggles and lays her head on his shoulder. My heart flutters and melts from watching my little girl fall in love with my childhood best friend.

And he looks so good today.

He's wearing dark jeans, a short sleeve black tee shirt outlining his tight six-pack and biceps, and a cap on backwards. God. He looks good enough to eat.

He watches as I lick my lips and sends me a mischievous smile. "How was your session?"

I blink a few times and look up at him. "Oh, it was fine." I give him a sweet smile, still in awe at seeing how comfortable my daughter is with him and how fucking hot he looks with a baby in his arms. And not just any baby… my baby.

"I'm glad to hear that." He smiles back.

"Voy a preparar la cena. Los chicos pueden quedarse y comer," Abuela yells from the living room.

"What did she say?" Donnie laughs while swaying back and forth, keeping Sophia calm.

"She said you can stay for dinner."

"I'd love to."

"What would you love to do?" Ash peeks his head over Donnie and holds the door frame for support, wiggling his eyebrows.

He waltzes into Sophia's room and leans back against her white dresser. My eyes roam over his body. "You got a date or something?"

He's wearing a fitted long sleeve blue and green plaid shirt tucked into his jeans. His dark brown hair is styled with some type of mousse, giving it a soft, sexy look.

He lets out a deep chuckle, "Nah. Just looking good for my girl Sophie."

I laugh and shake my head.

"My grandma wants you both to stay for dinner." I walk over to grab a sleepy Sophie from Donnie, but not before he places a soft kiss on her forehead. Gingerly taking her from his arms, I walk over to her crib and lay her down on her back.

"You guys don't have to stay. I'm sure you have better things to do than hang out here," I whisper as I pull Sophia's pink blanket that Mom bought her over her.

Ash and Donnie start to open their mouths to speak, but I place my finger on my lips, hushing them as I steer them out of the room. I turn the light off and shut the door halfway. The guys follow me down the hall toward the front door when their cell phones ring.

"Seriously, guys, you really don't have to stay." I pull off my white hoodie and hang it in the closet. When I turn to face the guys, Donnie's eyes trail up and down my body with a dark, hungry look.

"You're the only person I want to be with." He crowds my space, pulling me into one of his warm hugs. "It will always be you," he whispers in my ear and kisses the side of my head.

"?Abuela!" Ash sings, strutting to the kitchen.

I can't hold back my laughter. Donnie cradles my face with his strong hands. I lean into it and close my eyes, enjoying this moment between us.

"It's going to be ok, Shorty. You're going to hurt for a long time, but you won't be alone. I will be here for you and help you get through this." His voice is low and calming.

He pulls me into a hug and holds me tight, like he's afraid of letting me go. I wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze tight, laying my head on his chest where I can hear his heartbeat.

Being with Donnie makes me feel safe from all the damage within me.

He's my safe place.

He's my home.