Chapter Thirty-two

This night started out like a fantasy but turned into a fucking nightmare when reality finally set in. I knew better than to drag the guys along to Seb's place, but I wanted to spend time with my friends and find some type of normalcy. Instead, people were being shot at and getting killed by a fucking lunatic.

Because of me.

"Six people dead, five injured, and one in a fucking coma," Tia blurts out in a trembling tone, reading what Telle sent via text.

"Oh my god," I whisper, fighting back the tears that are threatening to fall.

I can't believe this is happening. The look on Doni's and Ash's faces is an image I will never be able to claw out of my mind. How helpless they looked knowing they couldn't do anything to stop what was happening. And I hate myself for allowing them to be in that situation. Unfortunately, what happened tonight is something we have gotten used to.

"It's my fault, Tia." I sniff as tears keep flowing.

"Don't say that. It's not your fault, Sadie," Tia says in a shaky tone.

"How can you believe that? If I hadn't shown up, they would still be alive, and Seb wouldn't have holes riddled into his house from gunshots!" I shout as these fucking tears won't stop falling.

"You listen to me, Sadie. No one predicted that asshole would come by and shoot the place up. You didn't pull the trigger!" Now we're both yelling.

"I might as well have. I shouldn't have come tonight." Knowing Frankie was still lingering in the shadows. Of course, Christian would send his dogs to watch over me. God. How could I've been so stupid to think I was safe with him behind bars?

"Seb can patch the holes up on his house, but he can't patch you up if you're dead! God! When are you finally going to get it through that little pretty head of yours that Seb and the rest of the guys will always protect you no matter what? Huh? You were left to die by the hands of his pendejo of a cousin. Don't you see? His own blood betrayed the oath to always protect la familia. YOU are family, Sadie. You have to stop blaming yourself when shit blows up in your face," Tia says.

It's easier said than done when all you have done your entire life is take the blame because that's what was carved into your brain for years. Years of abuse inflicted by the people who were supposed to love you. I don't even know what that word means anymore.

Christian and my parents mixed two of the worst ingredients— hatred and worthlessness— to ensure the combination would burn my soul and damn me to hell.

We drive the rest of the way to Tia's in silence. I have no energy left in me to fight or to try and prove my point. I shut my eyes and summon the thoughts from the roof as Doni and I sat underneath the stars where we shared our first real kiss. The way his lips felt against mine as he sweetly moved his tongue around in my mouth as if he was savoring each stroke. It was a sincere and warm kiss that made the butterflies in my stomach flutter in an erratic flight pattern into the sky.

The faint lights are on in the house when Tia pulls into her aunt's driveway. Glancing in the passenger side mirror, I watch as Josiah parks his '67 black Camaro behind Ash's Maserati.

We sit for a long minute until Tia turns to face me, and that's when I notice her face is set in resigned sad lines. My best friend who not only feels my pain but lives it through me.

"You know I love you, right?" She says quietly.

I nod in shame, looking away to avoid the look of sadness in her eyes, but I can still catch a glance of her reflection in the window.

"Donovan isn't sa—" Tia's words are interrupted when Aunt Paloma barrels out the front door in her blue scrubs, yelling something as her hands fly around in the air.

"Fuck me," Tia mutters under her breath.

As we step out of the car, Paloma grabs Tia and pulls her into her arms. I walk around to the front of the car and lean against the hood, facing the garage and fighting the urge to run away.

"?Ay dios mio!" she frantically cries out.

"I'm ok, Titi. We're ok," Tia says.

"?Y tu Sadie? ?Estás bien?" Paloma walks over to me and pulls me into a motherly hug. I wrap my arms around her lightly.

"Yes, I'm fine." I give her a fake smile.

"Hey, Paloma," Jo and Hector both say simultaneously.

"When is this shit going to end, huh?" Paloma angrily asks as her eyes begin to fill with tears while holding onto Tia with all her might.

"We didn't know Frankie would show up. But the girls are safe," Hector says as he lights up a cigarette.

Paloma scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Si. Pero for how long?"

"There won't be a next time. I promise you that," Jo chimes in.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Josiah," she snaps back as her thick Spanish accent comes out on full display. "I know how this life works."

Jo ignores the jab. "Sadie is going to stay the night while we hang out here and keep watch just in case Frankie decides to make good on his threat. Are you ok with that?"

"Si. Claro. Everyone stays the night. You too, muchachos," Paloma says as she turns her head, noticing Ash and Doni standing behind Josiah and Hector. "?Yquiénes son?" She looks between the boys and back to Tia.

"They're friends. They're cool, Titi," Tia reassures her.

"Ok. We have room for you too," she says, giving them a sweet smile. That's Paloma for you. She gives and gives without expecting anything in return. I avoid looking in their direction. My shame overwhelms me.

"No. They ain't staying," Jo says in a sharp tone.

"Don't listen to him, mijos. This is my house, Josiah." She gives him a pointed look. "Ok, vámonos. Let's go inside. I don't want to stand out here any longer. Sadie, in the house." Paloma snaps her fingers points at the door, instructing us to follow her as she walks Tia back into the house.

Tia doesn't spare a second glance at Ash or say goodbye.

Jo stands in front of me with both hands tucked into his jean pockets. His eyes beg me to talk to him. He takes a step closer and pulls me into his arms. He rests his head on top of mine. We stand there without saying a word. Jo knows the last thing I want to do is talk, so we came up with a better way as kids: hug until I am ready to talk.

"I'm not trying to be a dick, Sis. But you and I know he can't be part of this life. You know you have to break things off with him, right?" He whispers only for me to hear. "He can't be seen with you. You know what Frankie will do to him. He won't hesitate to put him in the ground."

I know Jo is right, but I'm not ready to let Doni go again. I just got him back and now I have to push him away to keep him safe. To keep both of my boys safe. I cry silently against Jo's chest as he rubs his hands up and down my back.

"Please don't make me do this," I plead with my brother.

He pulls away and cradles my face in his hands. "You have to, Sis. They don't have a chance against them. You know this. Just until this blows over and when it's safe."

"And if it never becomes safe?" I look up into his dark obscure eyes, desperately seeking for the truth.

"I can't promise you that, Sis, but you won't survive the guilt if anything were to happen to them." He shakes his head sadly.