33-Graduation Day

They say your high school experience will be the best four years of your life. Meeting new friends, getting high or drunk off your ass for the first time at the wildest parties, screaming your lungs out at football games, and marrying your high school sweetheart.

I wasn't screaming at football games with my classmates. Instead, I cried and begged to end the pain and suffering in my mind, body, and soul.

Until I was no longer at my father's mercy.

This past year was a rollercoaster of emotions. I feared we would never get off the ride. So much pain, suffering, death, and near-death experiences.

Our lives were like starring in a Lifetime movie, and I was the main character.

The saddest part is that even though there were some happier moments, it's the ugly memories we seem to remember the most. I remember the first time my father hit me and every single time that came after that over the next twelve years.

I remember the first time he made Mom cry and the first time he hit her.

I remember the first time Jo had to intervene to stop our father from killing me at a young and vulnerable age.

I even remember all the reasons he gave us for each bruise and scar left on our bodies. There is only one good memory of our father: our family trip to the apple orchard. It's the memory I held onto to forgive him and move forward without resentment. There is only love in my heart—no room for hate.

Our lives are on borrowed time.

Now I spend the remaining time with my daughter, unborn baby, friends, and family. It's time to end this dark chapter of my life and start a new one.

A new beginning.

A revised future.

My life was never a fairytale, and I did not foresee my life having a happy ending. It was full of pain and sorrow, but I rose when Donnie returned to my life. He is my star shining brightly over the shadows. He kept me strong until he found me. Then he saved me, and in turn, I saved him. Because of our love, he will always be mine, and I will be his forever in return.

After all that I've been through, I don't regret the in-between moments. It's because of holding onto that hope—those memories made me the person I am today.

There is no greater story than that.

"Mercedes Ramirez!" The principal calls out my name as I approach the auditorium's stage.

After finishing the rest of my senior year online, the school allowed me to attend the ceremony. Even if they said no, I would've been ok with it as long as I received my diploma.

My classmates and family erupt in claps, yeahs, and whoo- hoos, and my boys clap and stomp their feet on the floor, chanting, "Honrar a la reina."

Honor the queen.

My eyes begin to burn.

Merriam Webster's definition of honor: To regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect: to consider or treat with honor.

My definition of honor: Josiah, Sebastian, Gio, Maximo, Donovan, Asher, and Javier.

These are my Kings.

I take my diploma, shake hands with the principal and vice principal, smile for the camera, walk off the stage, and look up.

Tears slide down my face as I stare at the people in the first row in the back.

Mom.

Abuela.

Paloma.

Donnie's parents.

Donnie with Sophia on his lap, smiling and clapping her little hands when she sees me.

Asher.

Carter.

Javier and Gabby.

And Josiah. He is the only person missing that I wish was here to hug me on my special day. I smile when I think back on his graduation day.

Flashback-Josiah's Graduation

Josiah 18, Sadie 14

"Josiah Ramirez!"

The principal called Jo's name, and I jumped on my feet, clapped like a maniac, and yelled his name.

It was Jo's graduation.

It was finally his day.

A happy moment for us to celebrate.

Jo had worked so hard to get to this point. Now he'll be able to make something of himself and be a better man than our father.

He took the diploma and jumped off the stage, his classmates laughing while the principal gave him the stink eye. He looked over to where we were sitting and winked.

"I did it, Sade!" He lifted his diploma in the air and fist-punched the air.

Once everyone's named had been called, Mom and I met Jo in the central area where families were supposed to meet the students.

Mom and I stood outside the gymnasium doors, patiently waiting for Jo. The main area was filled with family members waiting for their loved ones. I stepped on my tippy toes, scanning the room for him, but I couldn't see him because I was too short and too many tall people were in my way.

Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around my waist and lifted me.

"You did it, Jo!"

He set me on my feet and pulled me in for a hug. "Yeah, how about that?"

"Congratulations, mijo." Mom pulled him into an embrace and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thanks, Mom."

We took pictures with the camera that Jo bought me and headed out to Mom's car. I opened the car door and looked back to see Jo hanging around.

"You're not coming home?" I asked him.

"Nah. I'm going to hang out with the guys and Elisa."

"Oh," I said with disappointment. I had to remember that Jo was grown up now, and he had his friends too.

"Hey, hey, come here." He took both my hands into his. "You will always be my best friend, Sade. Nothing will ever change that."

"Even when you get married?"

He nodded.

"When you have kids?"

"Yep, even when I have kids." He gave me a warm smile.

"When I get home, you and I will get Snoopy ice cream bars and hang out by the lake. Just like old times. How's that sound?"

"Sounds nice, Jo."

"And you know what? Just wait until your graduation. I'm going to scream and embarrass you." He laughed, but then his tone turned serious. "I can't wait for when that day comes. I will be so proud of you when you walk across that stage with your diploma. It'll be the beginning of a new start for you. A life you deserve."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

After the ceremony, we take pictures and head to Francisco's Pizza to celebrate. The place is so packed that we have to eat outside. Francisco decorated his restaurant with gold and green — our school colors — including balloons, and streamers. A big Congrats West Side Grads banner hangs outside the building.

After our fill of pizza, we return to Abuela's to end the night of celebration. Last night, we rearranged the furniture in the living room to make a dance floor. Seb brought over his Bluetooth speakers, and the girls and I cleaned up the backyard for an extra sitting area.

The kitchen has been turned into a snack and drink station. The table and counters are covered with chips and dip, fruit, veggie salad trays, tostones, flan, cookies, and a graduation sheet cake.

Tia grabs Sophia from my arms, and I search for Mom. I knock on her bedroom door. When she doesn't respond, I crack the door open and find her sitting on the bed, struggling to change out of her dress clothes. She is still having issues with the basic day-to-day tasks but getting better with therapy. Now, Mom wears a floral romper with wedge sandals, rocking her new balayage pixie cut.

"Hey, Mom, do you need help?" I step further into the room and kneel before her.

"I was thinking about your brother and how proud he would've been to see you walk on that stage." Her voice is a whisper.

"Yeah, I thought about that too," I admit.

I move to sit beside her on the bed. The music's bass rings out in the house, and laughter escapes into the air. Mom reaches for my hand and holds it in hers as we silently mourn how Josiah's life was taken too soon. Losing a sibling changes the dynamic in the family — nothing will ever be the same. Josiah's death left behind an emptiness in my heart, but I have found ways to slowly fill the void.

Every time the sun shines in the sky, I'll think of his warm smile.

Every time lightning strikes, it's a reminder to keep fighting and never give up.

Every time it rains, it's Josiah's reminder that it's ok to cry.

Every time Sophia giggles, I'll think of his contagious laugh.

And every time my heart beats, I'll remember he's the reason I'm alive because he fought for me, protected me, and kept me safe.