Chapter fourteen

"There," Lupe says, adding the final touches to my dress.

I have never dreaded a day until today.

Jo's funeral.

The girls came by the hospital and helped me prepare for the service. We decided to wear Josiah's favorite color—blue—instead of the standard black. I wear a navy guipure lace chiffon dress, and my hair is pulled up in a high curly bun.

"You look beautiful, Reina," Tiny says softly.

"Thank you. And thank you for everything—for being here," I say in a whisper as I glance at my best friends.

The girls have stuck by my side since Josiah passed. They're my ride-or-die sisters; my Pink Ladies; my Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy. They make my days brighter. Sometimes, we only need to know we're cared for and loved.

And today, that's enough for me.

"Where's Sophia?" I ask.

"Your Abuelita thought it was best if she went with her and Titi Paloma. They're going to meet us at the gravesite," Tia responds.

"Ready?" Telle asks, holding the door open.

No, I will never be ready.

The clouds overhead are so thick that no sunlight can get through. When the breeze sweeps through the trees, I open my mouth to inhale a lungful of fresh spring air, but it doesn't ease the tension that has built in my shoulders.

Grief hangs in the air like a thick wool blanket, covering the entire gravesite. Tears flood my eyes as I stare at my brother's black coffin, and grief spreads through me like cancer. I tilt my head to the sky and welcome the light sprinkle tickling my face.

"Sadie, I am so sorry for your loss," our neighbor Gloria says, wearing all black and a massive hat with one of those veils.

"Thank you," I say with a small smile.

And the sorrys just keep coming like a pitching machine.

I want to scream every time I hear someone say, "He's in a better place," "The pain won't be forever," or my favorite, "I understand what you're going through."

The hell you do! I want to punch them in the face.

"We gather here today to celebrate the life of Josiah Ramirez and to say goodbye," the funeral officiant began, but I can't focus on what he's saying.

I keep my gaze firmly on the pictures of Josiah sitting on easels beside his headstone with one large standing spray flower arrangement in the middle. Tia and the girls did an amazing job of putting the picture boards together because there was no way in hell I would've been able to get through that.

Donnie quietly sits beside me with my hand in his lap. I find comfort in his presence. Abuela holds a sleeping Sophia in her arms while wiping her tears with her free hand.

"On behalf of the Ramirez family, we would like to thank you for coming here today to mourn Josiah's loss and remember the good memories he left behind," the officiant says, ending with a brief prayer in Spanish.

I watch as they slowly lower the coffin into the ground. That's when the empty heartache seeps in. Everything around me blurred as my eyes remained on the coffin.

Jo's in there.

Jo's gone.

Jo's never coming back.

I never had the chance to say goodbye, to tell him how much I loved him. He took his life without any concern about what it would do to me, Abuela, and Sophia.

He gave up.

Just. Like. That.

God, it feels like time stands still; like reality is just a nightmare that will never end, and I have to fight my way out.

With my eyes focused on Josiah's grave, I watch each person take a turn paying their respects by tossing a handful of dirt into the ground where Josiah lies and my heart breaks all over again.

DONOVAN

I closely watched Shorty and stuck to her like glue when she arrived at the cemetery.

Last night, I called Tia to ask if she could help prepare Shorty for the funeral, knowing Shorty would need her girls.

When they lowered the casket into the ground, my hand tightened on Shorty's. I couldn't stand to see her as her grief overcame her. All I wanted to do was take her pain away, but nothing I could say or do would ever take it away, but maybe I could help alleviate it.

"Shorty, do you want me to push you closer?" I stand and crouch in front of her.

Her eyes are full of anguish when she looks up at me, and her tears gut me. I wrap her in my arms and press my face into her neck.

"I'm here, Shorty."

She silently cries and wraps her arms around my neck, holding on as if her life depends on it.

SADIE

"Excuse me, Sadie?"

I pull away from Donnie and look up through hazy eyes to a tall, handsome man with a clean crew cut fade who is dressed in a sharp black suit with a blue tie. I blink several times and wipe my tears away. He bends down until his eyes are level with mine. He has a diamond stud in one ear and tattoos on his neck that look like they lead further down.

"Ho-how do you know my name?" I manage to find my voice.

"Josiah."

My throat grows tight like I swallowed a lump of rocks.

"Wh-what? Did you know him?"

He nods with a sad smile.

"I am so sorry about your brother." His tone is kind and warm, like Josiah's.

With my hand over my eyes, my body trembles as I sob. If I didn't have Sophia, I would be the next in line to join my brother. The pain of losing someone so close to you is like part of your soul being ripped from your body.

A part of you ceases to exist.

You're no longer whole.

The stranger pulls my hand from my face and pulls me in for a hug.

I don't pull away. Instead, I melt into him, surprisingly finding it comforting. He smells like Josiah.

I cry harder.

This man I don't know holds me and tells me everything will be okay.

"Javi?"

I pull away from the man and look over his shoulder to see a pregnant woman.

"?Esta todo bien?" she asks, rubbing her big belly.

He turns to her and says, "Yeah, baby. Everything's okay now." She gives him a big smile and walks toward us.

"Hi, Sadie. My name is Gabriela, but everyone calls me Gabi."

"Did you know Josiah too?" I ask her.

She nods. "Yes, we met him almost a year ago." She looks at Javi. He tucks Gaby to his side but keeps his eyes on me.

Suddenly, a great sense of weariness sweeps over his face, and tears pool in his eyes.

"My name is Javier, but you can call me Javi." He croaked.

Gabi rubs his chest. He raises her hand to his lips and kisses her hand.

I wonder how well he knew Josiah.

Javi clears his throat. "I'm sorry. I wanted to pay my respects. Josiah was a good man."

He reaches for Donnie's hand and shakes it.

Gabi gives me a hug.

"You take care of yourself." Javi smiles down at me and walks away with his pregnant wife.

Hmm. That was…odd. He felt familiar.

Donnie bends down, grabs a handful of dirt, and places it in my hand. Together, we toss it in the grave.

I'll miss him so much.

Jo was brave in standing up to Dad and did the best he could to overcome the whirl of emotions when his bipolar disorder would take over.

Jo was selfless putting us first before him.

Jo was protective. He kept us safe when no one else could.

Jo was my Hero.

"Goodbye, Jo. I love you." My voice breaks as a torrent of grief washes over me.