Chapter four

"Come on, sis. You can't stay in your room all day!"

I'm lying in my bed with my back to the door. Jo has been in and out of my room, begging me to go outside all day, but I'm too sad to play.

It's been three days since Doni left me.

I miss him.

"Come on, Sade. I know you miss him, but I'm here," Jo says in a quiet voice.

I turn to face where he sits on the edge of my bed with a frown on his face.

"Don't be sad, Jo." I crawled toward him.

"I don't want you to be sad either, Sade. I'm sorry your friend is gone, but I'm here. I miss you."

I threw myself at Jo and hugged him tightly, like he is one of my stuffed animals.

"I miss you too," I whispered.

"Come on." He tugged on my hand until my feet landed on the floor.

"Where are we going?"

"Let's go to the corner store and get some Snoopy ice cream bars," he said excitedly, pulling me along.

After putting on my shoes, Mom gives us money for the ice cream as we run toward the front door.

"Make sure you come right back home," Mom yelled as we ran out of the house.

"Okay, Mom!" Jo and I say at the same time.

After we bought the ice cream bars, we walked back home and sat on the porch.

We sat silently, watching the heavy traffic whiz by while enjoying our favorite summer treat.

"Hey, Sade?" Jo asked.

"Yeah, Jo?" I took a bite of Snoopy's ear.

"Why did you replace me with Donnie?"

I glance over at Jo, who was staring at the ground while kicking a few rocks.

"What do you mean? I didn't replace you."

He looks up at me with sadness in his eyes.

"Jo, what's wrong?" I slid closer to him, taking a bite of Snoopy's other ear.

"You were always playing with him and Asher. I thought…maybe you didn't need me anymore."

"You're my brother. I will always need you. Besides, you're always out playing basketball with your friends so Doni and Ash would play with me." I shrugged, finishing the rest of Snoopy.

"I don't mean to leave you alone. I just hate it when Dad's home and you're not around."

"I know, I hate it too," I said quietly, trying not to cry.

"I'm sorry, Sade, for always leaving you alone, but I'll be home more…for you."

"You promise?" I whispered.

"Yeah, sis. I promise to always be there for you."

PRESENT: SADIE

My eyes fly open, and reality crashes down on me.

Jo's gone.

He's never coming back.

He left me.

He broke his promise.

All the memories return, but Josiah never will.

An involuntary whimper escapes my lips.

Since I found out Josiah died, my body went into shock. I couldn't feel anything. and I welcomed the numbness remove. Josiah's death left a gaping hole in my heart.

I lost the one person who meant the world to me—my nightlight in the darkness.

The person who was my strength. My hope. My second reason for living.

The person who became my shield against our father's wrath.

The person who saved me from death more than once.

There are no words to describe losing a sibling. Josiah was more than a brother to me. He was my best friend and my other half. When he died, a part of me died along with him.

My head is swimming with images of Josiah alone, struggling with his inner demons, trying to find solace.

The guilt is killing me.

Thinking of him and what he must've gone through, it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. A terrible weight falls onto my shoulders as I lay still on the bed.

My throat tightens as I take in a breath.

"Shorty?"

I clench my eyes shut and absorb Donnie's calm voice to soothe the ache in my chest.

"Baby, can you open your eyes for me?" he rubs his nose against my cheek.

I breathe in his woodsy scent.

"Shorty, please. Open your eyes, baby. Please," he begs.

"I'm so sorry about Josiah. I'm so sorry." The agony in Donnie's voice shatters me into a million pieces, and everything darkens.

My eyelids flutter when I hear voices around me. I open my eyes and glance around the room to see Donnie and the doctor having a serious conversation.

I clear my throat, and Donnie immediately rises to his feet and strides toward me.

"Hey." He gives me a warm smile.

"Hey." My voice cracks. I lick my dry lips and point to the water pitcher on the table beside me.

Donnie follows my finger and pours me a cup of water.

"Here you go." I take the cup from his hand when he sits beside me.

"Hi, Sadie. I'm Dr. Morales. How are you feeling today?"

I swallow and hand the cup back to Donnie.

"Um, okay, I guess."

He nods.

Donnie and the doctor exchange hesitant looks.

"What's going on?" I look between Donnie and Dr. Morales.

Donnie swallows. "Shorty, they need you to identify your"—he pauses—"brother's body." Tears well up in his bright blue eyes.

"Wh-why?"

"It's standard procedure, Sadie," Dr. Morales explains in a soft tone.

"I-I don't want to," I strangle out.

I don't want to see his dead body. The last memory I want to remember is of him holding Sophia and playing dominos with Abuela...alive.

"I'll be with you the entire time," Donnie promises.

"I'm not ready, Donnie. Please don't make me do this." I shut my eyes and hide my face in his chest, grasping his shirt.

Donnie rubs my back and places a kiss on top of my head.

"I will help you through this, baby. I won't leave your side."

"You promise?" I mumble against him.

"Yeah, baby, I promise."

Dr. Morales exits the room while Donnie helps me into the wheelchair. Grasping his shirt with one hand, Donnie wheels me out of the room. We follow the doctor to the elevator and down to the morgue.

When the elevator doors open leading to the morgue, it's exactly how they show it in the movies—gloomy and cold. The pungent smell of formaldehyde attacks my senses, irritating the hell out of my sinuses.

"Sadie, this is Yolanda. She is the medical examiner," Dr. Morales introduces us.

"Hi, Sadie. I'm so sorry for your loss." A tall woman with her hair pulled back says, a gentle expression on her face.

I swallow a big lump and nod, holding back my tears.

"This won't take long. All I need is for you to confirm that the body is your brother," Yolanda explains in a softer tone.

Donnie kneels in front of me with an aura of gray surrounding him. A single tear rolls down his cheek. He brings my hands to his lips and kisses my fingers.

"Are you ready?" he asks, voice thick with emotion.

I nod even though my heart hates the idea of seeing my brother's soulless body.

Donnie smiles, kisses my fingers one last time, and slowly strokes my cheek.

"Okay." He leans in and gently kisses my forehead.

He wheels me toward the closed double doors. My breathing picks up, and the anxiety starts to build inside me.

My head begins to pound with tension like a rubber band squeezing the hell out of my head.

My body grows tense to the point of shaking once we are a few feet away from the door—the door Josiah lies behind.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

I want to scream, "Stop," but the words won't come out.

When the doors are pushed open, I quickly close my eyes, feeling the weight of overwhelming despair and sadness crushing me.

"Shorty, I need you to open your eyes, baby." Donnie's voice infiltrates my thoughts, and I want so badly to ignore it.

I don't want to, Donnie. Please don't make me.

"I'm here. You're not alone," he says.

Donnie's warm hands cup my face and glides his thumb over my eyelids, forcing them to open. His gaze bores into mine, giving me the strength to push forward. I can do this as long as Donnie is beside me to help pick up my broken pieces.

When Donnie moves out of my view, I see a body underneath a white sheet lies on a stainless-steel table. My chest grows tight, and it becomes hard to breathe.

Yolanda stands beside the body and waits for my cue to move forward. With tears clouding my vision, I give her a nod.

A wave of acid wells up from my belly when she pulls the sheet back and reveals my brother, Josiah. Unable to hold it in any longer, my body racks with an onslaught of sobs and tears.

Using one hand, I push myself closer and reach for his hand.

Josiah's body lies still, his skin pale.

Cold as ice.

So fucking cold.

"Oh, Jo," I hiccup through my sobs.

"You promised me. You br-broke your pro-promise."

A pang grips my heart.

Oh, God.The pain is suffocating.

I can't fucking breathe.

Suddenly, a surge of anger rolls through me.

"You left me! You lied and promised me you would NEVER give up!" I slam my fist against the table's edge, ignoring the pain shooting up my arm.

"Why, Jo? Why would you do this?" My cries turn to whimpers. "You left me all alone. I could've helped you. I could've helped you. I could've helped you. I could've helped you," I repeat in a broken whisper.

I try to breathe through the grief and pain, but reality sets in and pulls me under, drowning.

I'll never hear his voice again.

I'll never see his warm smile that always brought me comfort.

Josiah's death has shattered my world completely.

Nothing will ever be the same.

"I lo-love you, Jo. I miss you."

"I'm so-sorry I could…couldn't save yo-you."

Someone pulls me away from Jo, and panic pulses through me.

"No, no! Don't take him away. Please. Please, don't take him from me." My eyes dart around frantically, begging the person to stop.

"Donnie!" I scream when Yolanda covers Jo with the sheet.

"NO!"

I'm wheeled out of the room and cry furiously when Donnie pulls me into his arms.

"Shh, baby, it's okay." Donnie soothes but the sadness in his voice betrays him. He's hurting because I'm hurting.

A sudden wave of drowsiness sweeps over me. I cling to Donnie for dear life, listening to his sweet voice singing "My Girl."

"I love you," Donnie whispers in my ear and they are the last words I hear before darkness takes me under.