24. Lottie

Seeing Dad somewhat awake and entirely still alive was enough to knock the stupid idea of my constant presence being some sort of protection for him out the window.

Of course, I was happy that I'd spent so much time with him, even if he was unconscious for most of it. But there was a part of me that felt guilty, like I had been shirking off my responsibilities—I could have been living my life while still being there for him.

Even if it did hurt to know that he'd woken up this morning without me there.

The earlier conversation with his doctor swirled around in my head as I turned my car into the parking lot at work. There's nothing we can do, he'd said. It's spreading too fast. We should focus on keeping him comfortable. Hospice was what they meant, though they'd been kind enough not to say it outright. I'd known it was coming, that he didn't have long if nothing else could be done. It still felt like a horse kick in the teeth, though.

Work was the only thing I knew that would help to keep the situation off my mind constantly. I didn't feel like I could drive back to Hunter's—he'd done enough for me over the last few weeks, making sure my absence at work wasn't an issue to being there for me when I needed someone most. I didn't want to think about what that meant.

No one said a word when they saw me walk in. The pile of paperwork I needed to catch up on was my saving grace—I could hide away in my private office, no need to speak to anyone or get lost in a sea of thoughts that would drive me crazy. Just me, the wedding planner, checks, and my signature.

The wedding planner. I'd almost forgotten all about it. I'd agreed to a phone call to discuss decor and flowers. They were things I couldn't bring myself to care about very much. I'd be perfectly fine with a courthouse wedding with just me, Hunter, and my father.

Watching me marry Hunter was my father's dying wish. I needed to do better.

————

"How many people are we talking, Charlotte?"

I clicked the tip of my pen against the polished wood of my desk. Hunter was supposed to be handling this for me, and I assumed that somewhere he'd laid out some sort of guest list. "I have no idea. You'll have to ask Hunter."

"That's not very helpful."

"I have bigger problems than this, Erin," I ground out. I'd barely been paying attention and my finger was itching to hit the end call button. "I don't care how many people come. I don't care about the flowers, pick whatever you want. You know what? Just plan your dream wedding and give it to me."

"But what if you don't like it?"

"It doesn't matter if I like it. Hunter's paying you to plan a wedding, so plan the goddamn wedding," I snapped. A sharp pang of guilt pinged in my chest. It wasn't normal for me to speak like that to anyone that wasn't at the top of my shitlist, and especially not someone that was actively trying to help me. The stress of everything was hitting hard, and I didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt numb, like I was piloting a flesh machine that wasn't my own.

"I'm sorry, Erin. I'll call Hunter."

I hit the button.

————

I felt like an alien as I walked across the hard dirt toward Stable Four. I looked out at the field, the horses grazing in their fenced-off areas under the bright, late autumn sun. It was as if I was sitting in an armchair somewhere far back in my mind, watching as someone else controlled my body and mouth. I wasn't me anymore. I hadn't been me in weeks.

Except for maybe this morning.

I didn't want to admit that being around Hunter made me feel better. It made me feel more present, more in control. And the lengths he'd gone to last night and this morning, making sure I had a solid breakfast to kick my hangover and not taking advantage of me when he absolutely could have…

Damn, how low had I dropped the bar?

I pushed the wooden stable door open. Dana and another woman I knew as Andrea were chatting idly as Dana held the hoof of one of the horses between her thighs, a long file in her hands as she scraped away at the freshly trimmed hoof. Her eyes widened when she noticed me, and she gently set the horse's foot back down.

"Feeling like shit?" she laughed, crossing the hay-covered barn to give me a warm hug. "You were out of your mind last night."

"Yeah, so I've heard." I took a deep breath and tried to form the words I'd come to say. I needed to tell someone, anyone, and Dana was the perfect person, the one who would hold me and tell me it would be okay. I'd get through it.

"Dad's going into hospice," I said, my voice breaking.

Her mouth popped open. "No, Lottie, I'm so sorry." Her arms came around my body once more, this time harder, tighter. Andrea scurried away into the back of the stable as I forced myself to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

"I don't know what to do. I've got to plan this stupid fucking wedding that I don't give a shit about just to give him some peace of mind before he… he…"

"I know, I know," she tried to soothe, her hand rubbing my back. "You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to. You could just spend your time with your dad."

She let me go slowly, her hands resting on the sides of my arms. I knew she was right, that was an option, but Dad's determination to know I was with someone that would take care of me after the fiasco with Jared was well-intentioned. I didn't want him to pass without knowing he was leaving me in safe hands. "I can't," I sighed. "It's the one thing he wants. I didn't get a chance to fulfill my mom's dying wish. It's the least I can do."

"Marrying Hunter is the least you can do?" Dana asked, one eyebrow raising incredulously. "Have you really thought this through? Tying yourself to him before you're ready, even though you know you have feelings for?—"

I took a step back. "Feelings?" I interrupted.

"Lottie."

My gut reaction was to deny it. I'd told myself I wouldn't let it get to that level, even as I sunk deeper and deeper into him. I wouldn't let feelings develop.

But I had, hadn't I?

I'd fucked up. I'd let myself fall deep devoid of a rope to climb back out with. He was like a never-ending pit and I was running out of strength to return myself to the surface.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied, looking down. I wanted to run, wanted to get away before she could reveal everything that was inside of me. Taking another step back, my foot knocked against a bucket, and Dana grabbed for my arm to keep me upright.

"Fine. You want to pretend that you don't? You're only going to hurt yourself with that," Dana sighed, shaking her head as if I was as exhausting as a newborn foal. "But I'm not going to bite my tongue. You feel something for him, Lottie. Something deep. I can see it, even if you don't want me to. Do you genuinely think that marrying a man you're falling in love with is a good idea when you have no clue how he feels about you?"

My throat closed. I didn't have an answer to that but it didn't matter. I wouldn't let it. I was doing this for my dad and for my dad only.

That was all I needed to focus on.