Chapter 16

16

Erin lay awake, staring at the ceiling. The gentle whump of the fan was usually soothing when she had a hard time sleeping, but it wasn't enough right now. Nothing would be, not with the racing thoughts that'd taken over her brain. She rolled over and curled on her side, flinching as she felt her tight muscles protesting. Fighting off Gretchen had taken so much out of her, and then lying still afterward had made her stiff and sore. Erin bit her lip as she waited for her lower back to release.

She'd been completely drained when Jace had brought her back to his house. There was so much she'd wanted to say to him, so much ground that needed to be covered, yet she hadn't had the energy to speak beyond a few sentences. His arms had been strong around her and his hands gentle. He'd spoken softly to her as he brushed her hair off her forehead. Erin smiled into her pillow as she recalled the way he'd brought her into the bedroom, washed her face, and taken off her dirty clothes. He'd tucked her into the bed like an exhausted child.

A child.

Her stomach rolled with fear, excitement, and hunger. When had she eaten last? Erin couldn't recall having anything at the Brigham clan's bonfire. Plenty of food was being cooked, with kids roasting hot dogs over the fire and someone carefully searing steaks on a nearby grill, but she'd been too busy meeting everyone to eat.

Meeting everyone who she'd shortly put in danger.

Things had changed an awful lot in the past week. Erin's body desperately wanted to go back to sleep, but since her mind was refusing to cooperate, she slipped out of bed. She turned and looked at Jace, his face slack and peaceful. He'd fought hard, as they all had. He deserved a good rest, and she'd let him enjoy it for a while.

Tugging on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, Erin went into the kitchen and grabbed a muffin from the container on the counter. She didn't really want it, but she felt like she would get sick if she didn't put something in her stomach. Her body felt strange as she stepped out the back door, like it belonged to someone else.

And in a way, it did. She touched her free hand to her lower abdomen as she walked out through the backyard, barely noticing the riot of flowers that bobbed good morning to her from their beds. Erin wasn't alone in this body, and it wasn't just her bobcat keeping her comfortable.

The sun had already risen, but it hung low above the ocean and cast the light of a new day onto the beach. Looking to her left, she spotted the scattering of lawn chairs that hadn't been folded and put away. Brightly colored buckets and shovels lay among them, and a stray white cooler had been knocked over. Apparently, she and Jace weren't the only ones who'd been ready to go straight to bed after she'd sent Gretchen away.

She polished off the muffin and dusted off her hands as she stepped into the wet sand. Her feet sank into it, and she watched as the water flowed up. It hurried in excitedly around her feet and bubbled between her toes, a slurry of movement that left behind only the smoothness of the sand when it ebbed once again. The perfect shape of her feet was left there when she stepped back, but only for a few seconds until the waves washed it away again. Life was changing just as quickly, and she felt just as helpless in the tide of it.

That bastard child of yours. The words had been echoing in her head ever since she'd awoken. Erin hadn't been allowed to focus on that news at the time, though now it was the only thing she could think about. How ironic that her best friend would be the first to know. Gretchen's psychic powers had let her peek into Erin's life, and she had been ever since Erin had ‘ruined' her wedding. She knew more about Erin than she knew about herself.

It was too early to take a pregnancy test, and only one person could've fathered this child. Erin experimentally touched her lower abdomen. It felt the same as it always did: a bit curved and soft. It would change soon enough, but Erin couldn't quite shake the uncertainty that had come along with Gretchen's threat. Had she been right? Was that the fluttering feeling Erin had noticed when she and Jace had shifted together at the drive-in? She had to know, and there was only one way she could think of.

She glanced down the beach. No one was around, as far as she could tell, but still, she decided to slip into the trees nearby. Erin needed someplace safe, someplace discreet. She wouldn't take any risks right now, not after everything she'd already been through.

Pulling in a deep breath, she forced her body to relax. It didn't want to. Tension knotted her muscles and stiffened her spine, but she needed her bobcat now more than ever. She melted away her human form and let her beast arise. She felt a pulling at her lower back, and this time, it was her stubby tail emerging instead of sore muscles. A tickle of fur erupted over her body, and the world grew a bit bigger around her as she shrank into the diminutive shape. As her ears peaked into rounded triangles, they twitched to pick up the sounds of nearby birds singing happily in the trees. Her inner organs moved and changed, rearranging themselves in an act that was nothing short of a miracle.

The real miracle, however, was what she felt inside as soon as all four paws were on the ground. There it was again, that fluttering feeling she'd experienced before. She'd dismissed it as excitement and apprehension at being with Jace, being in new places, and having new adventures. This was the start of a new adventure, all right, though it wasn't one she'd planned. Erin stayed still for a long moment, paying attention to her body and listening to all it had to tell her. The life was so young, but it was undeniable.

She knew for sure now, but it presented even more questions. Erin returned to her human form and walked back out onto the beach. She sat just out of reach of the waves, feeling the cool sand beneath her while the warm sun bathed her skin. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them as she let time slip by. She was still in that position when Jace found her a while later.

"Did you get any breakfast?" he asked as he stepped up behind her.

He was always taking care of her. That made sense, really, since he was a seasoned father. He understood how to care for people. Did that mean he'd continue wanting to do so for another eighteen-plus years? "A bit. Enough for now, at least."

To her surprise, he sat on the sand next to her. "I was a little worried when I got up and you weren't anywhere in the house. I know you sent Gretchen away last night, but I still worried that she'd found a way to come back."

"The trees took care of her," Erin replied somberly. She hated that she'd had to bind her best friend, the first person who'd truly understood the power that she wielded. Performing that spell had felt like cutting the wings off a bird, yet she'd known it was necessary. "She won't be coming back, and if she did, she wouldn't be able to harm me or anyone else other than tossing insults."

He put a hand on her shoulder, running it slowly down her back and then up again. "How are you holding up?"

"Physically, mentally, or emotionally?"

"All of the above."

She laid her knees down so that she sat cross-legged. "I'm working on all of that. I'm really sorry that Gretchen brought her anger against me here. I feel so bad that your clan ended up getting involved, but I'm also grateful for their help. I can't believe how ready they were to step in and fight like that." The sounds of those demonic beasts Gretchen had captured still haunted her ears when she thought about it, the hissing and growling that came from another world.

"Of course, they did. It's what clans do. I'm sure your coven is the same way," he reasoned.

"They are," she agreed quickly, knowing the other shifter witches would've also had her back. "Still, I don't think that was what you'd planned on with taking the rest of the week off."

He rolled one shoulder casually and flicked a bit of sand with his finger. "When I was learning the ropes of being a captain, I discovered things rarely turn out the way you want them to. You can lay out all your plans the best you can and do all sorts of things to help make sure they happen, but sometimes fate will still come along and send your ship off course. The best thing you can do is check your charts and get back on track. That is if you still even want to be on the same course anymore. Sometimes, you get blown to one side or another and find out that you've ended up in a better place than you'd ever imagined."

She laughed a little despite all the heavy thoughts that weighed down her mind. "Everything is a ship metaphor for you, isn't it?"

"Pretty much," he agreed with a smile. "It works pretty well for most things."

Erin rubbed her lips together. She could try to come up with more nautical symbolism to discuss what was really bothering her, but it was time to be blunt. It was time to be straightforward, to ask all the questions that'd been hanging in the air between them. Erin had been avoiding them until now. Having this time to sit on the beach and think had made her realize she'd been worried the answers wouldn't be what she wanted. There was someone else to consider now, though, someone besides just herself and Jace. That was the jumping-off point for all of this.

"Jace, I know you heard what Gretchen said. I think everyone heard, actually." It wasn't like they were teenagers and anyone was going to be upset with them for what'd happened, but it still embarrassed her to know that something so personal had been broadcast to his entire clan.

His chest moved as he breathed in. "I did," he replied heavily. "Was she right?"

Erin nodded. "Yes. I'm pregnant. We're pregnant."

He swallowed. "How do you feel about that?"

How could she even begin to describe it? "I've been sitting out here trying to figure that out and boil it down into something that makes sense. At the rate I'm going, though, I'll be sitting out here well into the second trimester. I've always wanted kids, to be honest with you. Something's special about creating life and showing it the world. I've always felt like it would be my chance to become something bigger than just myself, but it never happened. Until now."

His shoulder rubbed against her arm. "I think you'd make a great mom."

She looked at him now, something she'd been avoiding since he'd arrived. It seemed like it'd be easier to say all these things to the sand, water, and sky than to him, but now she saw the genuine honesty in his face. Those hazel eyes looked at her and saw more than just her face. They saw straight into her soul. "Really?"

"Sure," Jace replied easily. "You're so loving and caring. I saw it in the way you perked up my little houseplant and how you worried about me when I had to go under the sailboat to fix it. Then there's Ruby. She might not be your child, but you had a mother's touch when you held her and talked to her. Hell, even your battle with Gretchen was full of love."

"I hadn't thought about it like that," she admitted.

"What else are you feeling about all of this?" he asked.

"Worried. Scared. Like there are some really huge decisions to make and I don't even know where to start." The breeze lifted her hair from her neck, soothing her with its mild touch. A strain of fear was constantly moving through her, yet she felt a new excitement in the way she felt, even when she only had two legs. She was much more aware of her body than she'd ever been before, and she sensed every tiny hair on her arms waving in the wind.

Jace scooted a bit closer. He put his arm around her, his warm strength angling down her back to her left hip. "You don't have to make any of them alone."

She leaned into him and inhaled deeply. He smelled of clean clothes and some lingering remnants of cologne. And comfort. "Thank you for that."

"Do you want to tackle any of it right now?"

No. Part of her ran quickly away from all the problems that loomed over her, demanding that she go back to pretending her issues didn't exist. It was easier that way, wasn't it? No, that was all a delusion. It was harder not to know where she was going from there. "Like I said, I've always wanted kids. But the circumstances for this aren't exactly ideal. I'm not sure how we're going to do this."

"Kids need food, clothing, and lots of love," he reasoned. "I think we can take care of all of that between us."

"It's not that simple," she countered. "I know you've already had a kid, but this is all new to me. And it's not just about figuring out what kind of diapers to use or how to decorate a nursery. Jace, we live so far away from each other. I've got my coven and my practice back in Salem. I can't just leave all of that behind, not after I've worked so hard to get to a good place in life. Then there's you. You've got a great job here that you love. More importantly, Ian is here."

She leaned forward and rested her forehead on her hands. "I've been thinking about this almost constantly ever since we knew what we were to each other. It's only more complicated now that a baby's involved, but I don't feel like I'm any closer to the answer."

"I understand." His palm continued to rove slowly over her back. "And I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to brush it all aside with what I said a minute ago. I think that was just my boneheaded way of saying we'd work it out. To be honest, I've been looking for those same answers, and they're hard to come by."

She rolled to the side, resting her head on his knee. "It seems unfair that we've had to wait this long to find each other. We wouldn't have had to think as hard about this if it'd happened years ago."

"Maybe not." His fingers gently lifted her hair away from her neck so he could rub his thumb into the sore muscles there, finding them instinctively. "We wouldn't have been the same people we are right now, though. I've cursed fate plenty of times, and I've felt very justified in that, but I like to think everything works out the way it's supposed to. For all we know, there's a very good reason that we've been kept apart until now. Not that it means we have to like it," he added.

Thin clouds streaked across the pale blue sky, stretching off into forever. "I won't ask you to leave your clan, your son, and your career." She'd do many things to change her life if needed. This child growing inside her, which she'd always wanted but never had until now, deserved every bit of herself she could give. They'd just have to find a way to do it all without resenting each other.

"And I wouldn't ask you to leave your home, your shop, and your coven," he replied.

She rolled over onto her back now, her head still on his knee as she gazed up at him. "I don't know what to do, Jace."

He looked down lovingly at her as he brushed her hair away from her forehead. "I know it's frustrating that we've had to wait this long to find each other, but that means waiting a bit longer to figure things out isn't going to hurt us. We don't have to have all the answers right now, and we don't have to make any big decisions."

"But— "

"I know." He smoothed his hand over her forehead again. "I know you want those answers. I do, too. I think we'll be able to find them a little better if we slow down, though."

She frowned, feeling uncertainty and anxiety feeding into each other. How could she slow down and rest at all when she knew her entire future—and that of her baby—was still hanging over her head? How could she just go about life like things were normal?

"Erin, I promise we're going to figure this out. We. It's hard to imagine right now, but everything is going to be okay," he soothed.

"That's hard to believe," she replied.

"Yeah," he said with a short laugh. "I don't blame you. I don't think I'd believe it myself if I hadn't been through it already. A couple of times, in fact. Both when I found out I was going to be a father, and then when I found out I was going to have to do it alone. I really didn't think it would be okay. I felt like the whole world was resting on my shoulders, and there was no way I could ever hold it all up. When you're in those moments, everything feels impossible. It's only now, when I look back at it, that I can see everything turned out all right. It will again. Okay?"

"Okay," she whispered. Erin wanted so badly to believe him. She wanted to know that a solution was waiting for them, and they simply hadn't found it yet.

"For right now, I think you and I could both benefit from a nice hot shower. I think we can both fit in there. I'll wash your back."

Erin knew that could only lead to one thing. Sex wouldn't solve anything, although it might make her feel a bit better for a while. She felt grimy from her encounter with Gretchen last night, and plenty of sand had made its way into her shorts since she'd come out there onto the beach. Her stomach grumbled, less nauseous this time and more demanding. "Will you make me breakfast afterward?"

"I can manage that." He stood and helped her up. Jace took her hand in his as they slowly made their way back into the house.

She followed him up the stairs to the master bath. Erin looked forward to the warm water streaming over her body, but her mind was still weighted with worry.