Chapter 25

25

“ A re the troops ready for inspection?” Honour asked over her shoulder, staring down at the records in front of her. She’d called up every available soldier possible, as had the Kwights. She’d spent the last several hours locked away with Pregtox, planning a war that she was ready to lead but didn’t want to.

She’d prepared for this from day one, but she’d never thought she’d actually be facing down an enemy from the sky. And she had to get those nerves under control. It was her job to be the calm presence for her troops. She couldn’t let them see what was crawling under her skin and trying to take away her concentration.

But it wasn’t just the impending battle, if she was being honest.

It was Hudson.

And Kyree.

It was the way she’d left, knowing that she was making a mistake, but unable to stop herself from doing it. She had to stop them from following her further down the rabbit hole that would end everything for them. Because she wasn’t worthy of them. She never had been.

“They are,” Zendalia answered, leaning over the table to stare down at the same thing Honour was looking at.

Except, she’d stopped registering anything that her eyes were seeing. She’d been pulled into her own mind, to a place that would never exist. She had to stop doing that!

“Are you ready to inspect them?” Zendalia asked.

No, she wasn’t. But she had to be. And if there was one thing that Honour understood, it was the call of duty. “Yes,” she ground out.

They swam side by side out of the castle and toward where the troops had lined up. Honour wasn’t exactly sure how they were going to take down the sky ship, but she at least had a reasonable plan to scatter all the humans that were in the water and wreck their communication with the sky ship.

The Kwights had been extremely helpful for that. And their troops were numbered with hers. At this rate, they could perhaps win the war in the water. But that didn’t mean they would get Soulara back—ever. And that would mean that Makryn would end up as king, something Honour wasn’t looking forward to. He wasn’t as capable, and he certainly didn’t have the hearts of the city in his favor.

They would all suffer if Soulara didn’t return home.

Straitening her back and pushing those rogue thoughts from her mind, Honour began her inspection. Most soldiers were in fitting form, but there were others who weren’t. Their armor didn’t shine like it should, it was misplaced or ill-fitting. It only took three breastplates not buckled correctly before she went off on an unsuspecting soldier.

Her voice ran through the row, and she could tell that all those eyes next to her wanted to turn in her direction to see what she was going on and on about. But they remained stoic and in formation like they should. When she’d finished with that young soldier, Honour started in on the next. She made it through four rows before Zendalia snagged her upper arm and pulled her away.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Honour hissed, lowering her tone so that the troops couldn’t hear. “I’ll have you for insubordination for this.”

“Then do it,” Zendalia snapped back, still pulling Honour with her.

They moved back into the first level of the castle, stopping by a small room in the front, the bubble around them clear so that all of the troops could see them argue if their backs weren’t facing toward them.

“Touch me again, and I’ll cut off your hands.”

“That! That right there.” Zendalia pushed a finger into Honour’s shoulder. “What the fuck is that about?”

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that.” Honour flung her hand out, trying to cut off anything else that Zendalia was going to say.

“No. I’m not your second in command right now. I’m your friend. And you, Honour, are being the biggest asshole I have seen, and trust me, I’ve seen my fair share. What crawled up your butt?” Zendalia planted her hands on her hips and cocked her head to the side.

There was no getting out of this unless she left. But Honour wasn’t sure she could go back out there, to look into the faces of so many mers that she knew wouldn’t make it home. It didn’t matter if they won or lost the war, Reine was going to be devastated by the toll of the battle. Hell, she wasn’t sure she’d make it home—not that there was much home to come back to. She was alone, like always. And her best friend, Soulara, was stashed away in a sky ship, being held prisoner.

And no one was negotiating her return.

Which meant only one thing.

They were going to kill her.

“Honour, we’re not leaving this room until you talk to me.”

“That’s General Honour to you.” Honour tried to push her way beyond Zendalia, but Zendalia was quick. She flipped her tail under Honour’s and flattened her out against the floor, covering her and pinning her hard.

“Hmm.” Zendalia’s lips thinned. “I should never have been able to take you that easily.”

“Fuck off,” Honour spat, trying to claw her way out from under Zendalia.

“Not until you talk to me about what’s going on.”

Honour sighed heavily. “No.”

“You know, Honour, there’s more to war than death.” Zendalia adjusted her hold, and Honour saw her opportunity.

She pushed her tail into the floor, her hips upward, and she laid Zendalia flat out on her back, locking her arms down by pressing her forearms against Zendalia’s. “Don’t push your luck. I have no issue making a mark in your record.”

“No one would doubt that after your display out there.” Zendalia breathed heavily, writhing underneath Honour. “But you can’t be distracted or pissed off about something else when we go into this battle.”

“I’m not distracted,” Honour seethed out.

“Where’s Kyree?” Zendalia raised an eyebrow.

Honour faltered. Her grip loosened, and Zendalia took charge. She flipped them again, landing sideways on Honour and controlling her movement from the side, her chest pressed against Honour’s ribs, and holding one of Honour’s arms across her chest to prevent her from moving it.

“Get off me, Zendalia.”

“Tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing’s going on!” Honour screamed. “Kyree’s gone. She left. And she’s not going to help us win this war.”

“Your lies to yourself are bigger than your lies to me.” Zendalia pushed her forearm into Honour’s throat. “You know how I know?”

“How?” Honour ground out.

“Because you let me get the upper hand. And I’ve never managed to do that to you before.” Zendalia pushed in even more, as if daring Honour to tap out of this conversation, out of the war entirely. If only she could.

“Hudson…” Honour barely made out the word. It was getting harder and harder to breathe by the second. Hudson wouldn’t ever be caught off guard like this. She’d never allow someone to sneak in and attack her.

“Who the hell is Hudson? That’s such a weird name.” Zendalia grimaced, but she was distracted enough for Honour to take advantage.

She pushed her arm up and over the back of Zendalia’s neck and caught her head in the crook of her arm. She pushed up with her tail and flipped them over, wrapping her arm tightly enough that she would choke Zendalia if she held on much longer. She’d go to sleep as they said, and Honour would love every second of taking back the control that Zendalia has so easily snatched from her.

Zendalia twisted hard, popping her head out from Honour’s control. Growling loudly, Honour pushed upward so she was no longer stuck between the floor and Zendalia. She wasn’t going to let Zendalia get the best of her. She needed to win this.

She had to.

Just one win in this entire mess she’d created.

“Who’s Hudson?” Zendalia asked, backing up and preparing herself for another round of fighting.

Honour shook her head, the vivid image of Hudson writhing under her touch immediately coming to her mind’s eye. The fist connecting with her cheek stung, knocking her head back and her chin up with a snap.

“Fuck!” Honour muttered, wiping the back of her hand across her face and clearing the blood from her lip.

“What’s wrong, General? Still can’t focus?” Zendalia’s lips quirked up in a grin.

She was enjoying this way too much. Honour had to put her in her place. If anything so they were both in the right mindset for this war.

“Are you a bit obsessed? Infatuated?” Zendalia’s teasing continued.

“Shut up!” Honour roared.

She charged forward and missed as Zendalia ducked down and wrapped her arms around Honour’s middle and pushed her directly into the ground. Her head thudded off the floor loudly, the crack echoing through her skull and making lights sprinkle in her eyesight.

“Love doesn’t make you weak,” Zendalia stated firmly. “In fact, it can make you a hell of a lot stronger.”

“Shut up.” Honour tried again, but this time it definitely came out weaker than before. “She doesn’t love me.”

“Do you really think that?” Zendalia held her elbow against Honour’s throat. “Or do you just think your entire life is war and nothing else? That no one could love you?”

Honour hardened. Her jaw tightened. Rage burned in the center of her forehead. “Fuck you, Zendalia.” With everything she had, she flipped them over one last time, using Zendalia’s own arm to choke herself. “You know nothing.”

Zendalia gasped.

“She doesn’t love me. Hudson doesn’t love me. All I have is this fucking war we’re going to lose.” She tightened her grip on Zendalia, watching her face change color, deepening into a darker shade of reddish-orange before turning into a blue. “We’re all going to die.”

Zendalia’s eyes fluttered shut slowly.

Honour grunted as she released her grip. Zendalia gasped for air, coughing and sputtering. Honour had taken that too far. She’d known it as soon as Zendalia hadn’t been able to breathe, as soon as she’d started to fall asleep. Guilt racked her, eating away at her belly and in her chest.

“There’s more to life…” Zendalia gasped “…than war.”

“No. There’s not.” Honour fisted her hands and shook her head. “There’s nothing for me but war, and in this case, a war to end all wars. I can’t save Kyree. I can’t save Hudson. I can’t even find Soulara to attempt a rescue of her.”

“Stop saving other people.” Zendalia pushed up onto her elbow and pinned Honour with a sharp look. “Save yourself.”

“W-what?” Honour furrowed her brow.

“Stop trying to make the world do what you want it to do, and just feel for once. You aren’t just a general. You aren’t just the leader of the troops. You aren’t just Soulara’s advisor.” Zendalia moved up slowly, swimming in and cupping Honour’s cheeks lightly. “You are more than your title. And you’re scared because Kyree—and whoever this Hudson person is—they see beyond that.”

“No, they don’t.” Even as she said the words, Honour knew it was a lie. Zendalia was right. Honour just didn’t want her to be. Honour wanted to keep the bubble around herself, protect the world from the monster she knew she could be, from the killer she’d pledged herself to become.

“Hmm…” Zendalia held Honour still. “Stop lying to yourself.”

Without another word, she swam away, leaving Honour in the wake of her emotional overload. Honour stayed still, daring herself to go back out to the troops, to finish the inspection, to rally them and give them a speech that would inspire.

But she couldn’t find it within herself to do it. She couldn’t face them.

Zendalia was right.

But Honour didn’t want to let her have the satisfaction of knowing that.

And yet, she was still General Honour. She was still the leader of the troops. She couldn’t let them go into battle without facing them. Steeling herself, Honour did what she had to do. She left to face the music.