3. Jordan

THREE

If I'd knownsuit shopping on my own could be that much fun, I'd have bought a new suit a long time ago. I'm still grinning when I get back to my dorm with my new shirts, shoes, and ties. I never would have thought I'd need more than one tie—I only have one neck, after all—but now that I think of it, Uncle Luke and Grant have a bunch of ties. Blaise suggested three, and picked ones I could wear with any of the shirts.

Blaise… Man, that was unexpected. Fun, though. And it answers a question I've had for a while.

My roommate woke up and left sometime while I was shopping, so I toss the shopping bag onto my desk, then throw myself onto my bed with my phone. It's my preferred location for making calls.

Mila answers on the third ring. "Jordy, why aren't you sleeping off a hangover? Don't waste the college experience."

"Jordan," I correct, for the millionth time. "And believe me, I'm not." It took four aspirin, a Red Bull, a hot shower, sunglasses, and the promise of a bacon sandwich to get me out of the dorm this morning. Though, gotta admit, the BJ totally cured my hangover. "Aren't you supposed to be the responsible older sibling?"

Her laugh makes me smile. Mila and I are super close, even though there's nearly four years between us. That's why I'm calling her now—I can talk to her about anything.

"Seriously, though," she says when she's stopped chuckling. "Why are you calling me?"

"I don't know why everyone acts like I never call. You and I talk all the time."

"Via text," she reminds me. "And sometimes it takes you a day to reply to me. You only call when something's going on or you need something."

Guilt tugs at me. Maybe I need to call more regularly. I can add it to my class schedule so I don't forget. "I'll try to call mo?—"

"I mean, I won't say don't, but also, you don't have to. We all know what college is like, Jordy. Just enjoy it and let us guilt trip you about the calling thing."

I snort. "Yeah, okay."

"If you still don't call after graduation, then I'll get pissed off." There's a teasing note to her voice that makes me grin. "Now… do you need something?"

"No. Yes." I change my answer. "But not from you. You don't have the right perspective."

"I'm intrigued. Is this a guy thing? Want me to get Jamie?" She and her high-school boyfriend broke up when he went to college, but they were back together only a few months later when he came home for the holidays. After that, they made long-distance work for the rest of the year, and Mila picked a school only an hour away from his. They moved in together after she graduated.

"Nah, it's a bisexual thing." I wait.

She barely skips a beat before yelling, "Jamie! Jordy's having his big coming out moment!"

"For fuck's sake, Mila, are you trying to deafen me? And it's Jordan. I haven't been called Jordy since I was twelve."

"You'll always be Jordy to me. Mostly because it bugs you."

Are all sisters this big a pain in the ass? "Wait, what do you mean, my big coming out moment?"

"Oh, please, Jamie and I figured you were probably bi or pan."

They did? I mean, I thought so, too, but I wasn't sure, and I definitely never talked to anyone about it.

"Did you say Jordan's coming out?" I hear Jamie ask in the background. "You owe me twenty."

"Are you betting on me being queer?" I demand indignantly.

"Shush, Jamie. We weren't betting, exactly. We just…"

"Were betting," I finish. "Shame on you both. Tell Jamie that twenty's mine for this betrayal."

"What's he saying?" Jamie demands. "Put it on speaker." A second later, he adds, "Jordan? Congratulations!"

Aw. That's nice. Not that I figured he and Mila wouldn't be supportive, but still. "You owe me twenty."

He sighs, immediately understanding why. "Dammit. It wasn't actually a bet, though. More like a…"

"Bet?"

"A relationship disagreement."

"Involving my preferences? Weird, dude."

"Forget that," Mila interrupts impatiently. "Tell us everything."

"Yeah, no. I want to know why you thought I was bi or pan."

"Which is it, by the way?" Jamie asks. "For… reasons."

"Another bet?"

Neither of them answers.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "Before now, I kind of thought I might be interested in more than just women, but I wasn't sure. I'd never been attracted to a real person who wasn't female, so?—"

"Wait, stop," Mila says. "What?"

I replay what I said and try to work out which part confused her. "Huh?"

"You've never been attracted to a real person," she repeats. "What does that mean?"

"Who wasn't a woman," I remind her, because that bit's important. Obviously I've been attracted to my girlfriends over the years.

"Yeah, but aside from women, who were you attracted to that wasn't real? Is this an anime thing? I don't remember you being into anime."

"No, I mean like celebrities. People I'll never meet in real life. Everyone thinks Henry Cavill is hot, right?"

There's a little silence.

"Wait, not everyone does?"

"I do," Mila assures me. "But I don't think it's universal."

"Jamie?"

"Weeeeeell," my straight almost-brother-in-law says. "I can objectively see that he's attractive, but I'm not attracted to him."

Oh. "Not at all?" I check. "Like… there's not even a tiny tingle?"

Mila makes a choking sound.

"Sorry." Jamie sounds genuinely regretful. "I've never seen a guy, in real life, celebrity, or animation, who gave me any kind of tingle."

Maybe I should have talked to someone about this a lot sooner and saved myself wondering. "Oh. So… I might be pan, then." I can think of a few nonbinary and trans celebrities and content creators that I find attractive, but I wasn't sure if it was the celebrity element. Because they're not "real."

"You don't have to know all the answers now," Mila reminds me. "But you do have to tell me what brought all this on, because I'm dying to know. Spill. Or you won't get a birthday present."

"You're so mean," I tease, and she growls. "Okay, fine. I went to buy a new suit?—"

"Why?" Jamie interrupts.

"Because the school says I have to wear one on game day." He knows that. Jamie's an assistant baseball coach at a sports academy that prepares talented teenagers for the big leagues. He knows most of the D1 schools' rules back to front.

"I'm going to kill you," my loving sister threatens.

"No, I meant why did you need another one?" Jamie says at the same time.

"Who the fuck cares?" Mila exclaims.

"I ripped mine," I tell Jamie, ignoring Mila. "Uncle Luke said to get a new one. So I went today, and the guy at the store was fucking hot. All trendy, and kinda artsy."

"How did you not realize you were attracted to men?" Jamie wonders. "Ow! Mila, what the fuck?"

"Stop interrupting him, or I swear to god, there will be pain," she threatens. "Jordy, speak."

I stay silent for ten seconds, just so she knows she's not the boss of me.

"Jordan, maybe finish the story," Jamie suggests. "Her face is going kind of purple."

"So anyway, the guy at the store, Blaise, was hot, and he saw me without a shirt and obviously wanted me, because why wouldn't he, and then he blew me."

There's another little silence. "I feel like you might have missed a few steps," Mila says.

"He blew me in the fitting room?"

She sighs. "Okay, fine. I guess I didn't want any graphic details anyway."

"Like I'd tell you. Ew." She's my sister, after all, no matter how close we are.

"So… how do you feel about it now?"

I grin so wide, my face might split. "Great. Can't wait to do it again."

"Get blown? Yeah, all you guys are like that."

"No details," I remind her, because gross. Then I sit up. "But that's the thing I need help with that you can't help me with." I pause. Did that sentence make sense?

"Getting blown? Yeah, I absolutely cannot and will not help you with that. What is wrong with you?"

What? Oh, blech! "Okay, a) that's disgusting; b) not what I meant; and c) I don't need any help getting blown."

"Aw, did you hear that? Jordy knows his ABCs," Mila says—I'm guessing to Jamie.

"You can't see me, but I'm flipping you off right now." I try not to sound like I'm laughing, but I totally am.

"Seriously, though," she continues, "what do you need help with?"

"What if I'm cool with getting a BJ but freak out if I have to give one?" I don't want to be sexually selfish.

"Yeah, I can't help with that. Are dicks hot to you? Like… I think dicks are hot."

"How many have you had contact with?" Jamie asks. "Also, thank you."

Mila scoffs. "I don't have to have been up close and personal to know I find dicks hot. There's pictures online, you know. And we watch porn."

"TMI, guys." Oh my god, what the fuck? I don't need to know that my sister and her boyfriend watch porn together.

Although… maybe I should watch some porn and focus on the dicks?

"Jordy?"

"Yeah?"

"Are dicks hot?"

"I don't know!" My exasperation is tangible. "I don't find mine hot. I mean, it's not ugly, but I'm not exactly turned on by my own cock." I don't think. The way it's starting to perk up in my jeans is a little confusing.

"What about other dicks?"

"This conversation is so weird," Jamie mumbles.

"I'm not all that familiar with other dicks, Mila."

"How is that even possible? Don't you jocks get naked in the locker room all the time?"

"We don't look!" Jamie and I exclaim at the same time.

"You don't? That seems like a wasted opportunity. Also, I feel so betrayed. Porn lied to me."

"Okay, you're being creepy now. Those are my teammates, and I'm not going to stare at them."

"Yeah, but how is it possible to never see anything? Do you all just close your eyes?"

Why is she obsessed with this? "I mean, I see stuff, but I don't look. If that makes sense."

"Not really, but I'm getting bored with this."

"Maybe I should watch some gay porn."

"You absolutely should. But also, have you considered going back to the store for a tie or something and telling the guy you want to return the favor? Did he know he was your first guy?"

I remember the smug expression on Blaise's face. "Yeah."

"Then he probably won't get too upset if you freak out."

"Or," Jamie suggests, "and hear me out, this is a wild idea… You could go to the LGBTQIA+ Association on campus and see if there's anyone you can talk to who might have similar experience."

"Oh," I say. "Yeah. I didn't think of that."

"That… would be the sensible solution," Mila adds.

There's a little pause, and then Jamie sighs. "You're going back to the store, aren't you?"

"Not today. But the suit's getting altered, so I have to go pick it up on Wednesday. Who knows what could happen?"

I do. I know. Because when I see Blaise again, I'm totally offering to suck him off.