Chapter 8

The ladies had almost finishedwith the setup at the park by the time we got back to Sinful. Celia gave us a haughty look as we walked up.

“I guess you thought there was something more important to do than set up Easter for the kids,” she said.

“We were working on trying to save a terminally ill boy,” Gertie said. “Since all the kids hunting eggs aren’t likely to die over dinner tonight, then yes, I think it takes priority. That whole resurrection thing only worked once.”

Celia stared at us for a moment, waiting for the punchline, but when it was clear that Gertie was serious, she huffed and stomped away. Marie, our good friend and current mayor, rolled her eyes.

“She’s done absolutely nothing but stand and complain the whole afternoon,” Marie said. “Now she wants to act like she was here working. I think she’s just mad that Gertie came through with the rabbit and it’s even nicer than hers was. She wasn’t expecting you to come up with anything on such short notice.”

“Oh, I already had it,” Gertie said. “You see?—”

“No!” Ida Belle said. “Trust me, Marie, this is not information you want to know.”

Marie laughed. “I’ll take your word for it. I swear, that Celia could wear out a stone. I practically jogged hiding those eggs, but she huffed along behind me, nagging me about putting those chickens down or levying charges and fines on Skinny for those boys setting his hounds loose. There’s just no point in dishing out logic to someone who only feeds on untruth and lives in a constant state of victimhood.”

Marie blew out a breath. “I guess I best get off my soapbox before you accuse me of doing the same.”

We all laughed, and Gertie patted her arm before digging in her purse.

“We all know how dealing with Celia is,” Gertie said as she pulled out Easter bunny chocolates in pink foil wrappers. “Have one of these. It will make the whole day better.”

Something about her tone had me clamping my palm over hers before Marie could take the candy.

“Where did you get that?” I asked.

“The store,” Gertie said, but I saw her eye twitch.

“Uh-huh, and why is the wrapper uneven?”

“Fine. Nora fixed me up some special chocolate candies. My back was bothering me after that fall down the slide and then me and Jeb?—”

“No!” Ida Belle said.

Marie gave the candy a wistful look. “Well, knowing Nora as well as I do, I guess I better pass on the candy.”

“Spoilsports,” Gertie mumbled before she unwrapped the chocolate and popped the entire thing into her mouth.

Ida Belle stared at her in dismay. “Good. God. Do you even have any idea what’s in that?”

“Do you want me to ask?” Gertie asked. “Tastes like chocolate.”

“Too late now,” I said. “Give her thirty minutes, and she’ll either be racing the kids to get to the eggs or face down in a basket. Then we’ll know.”

Gertie nodded. “The last time, she put painkiller in an energy drink. She said she was wanting the caffeine to counteract the drowsiness that the painkiller caused.”

“How’d that work out?” Marie asked.

“Well, she accidentally loaded it up with speed instead of painkiller. I didn’t sleep for two days, but I repainted the entire upstairs of my house and knitted forty-six sweaters.”

“Good. God,” Ida Belle repeated. “Do you have handcuffs? Maybe we need to secure you to a bench.”

“I don’t have them on me, but I got these cute pink fluffy ones with fake diamonds that loop around the bedposts?—”

Ida Belle didn’t even speak. She just lifted one hand and then walked off. Marie giggled.

“Where is Nora anyway?” I asked. “I thought Ida Belle called her in to fill her slot. To aggravate Celia, of course.”

Marie nodded. “And Nora was every bit as successful as Ida Belle thought she’d be. But I thought it best to send her home after the egg hiding. She was…uh, rolling the grass from one of the egg baskets so she could smoke it.”

“Hmmm,” Gertie said, and gave the baskets a side-eye.

“Don’t even think about it,” I said. “We’re about to be overrun with kids, and you’ve already eaten God knows what.”

As if to reinforce my statement, the school bell echoed in the distance, and the ladies hurriedly unloaded the last of the treats, then shoved the containers under the tables where they were hidden from view under pink tablecloths with colorful eggs printed on them. In minutes, the kids would descend on the place as though it was the apocalypse and Easter eggs were the key to surviving it.

I said a hasty goodbye to Marie and practically sprinted for Ida Belle’s SUV. I had agreed to remain for the hunt just in case they needed some muscle, but no way I was going to attempt to corral kids. My methods of controlling people were the kind that got you a cell next to Ryan Comeaux.

The kids rushed into the park like NFL players into a stadium for the Super Bowl game, but with more shoving and yelling and less protective gear. Their parents hurried behind them at various speeds depending on their own physical conditioning. Some looked excited. Some looked terrified.

The church ladies stood in a row between the kids and their prey, forcing them all to stop in a messy huddle and then disperse out in a solid line parallel to the road. Several of them crouched down like sprinters and I was certain that if someone blew a whistle or even broke wind loud enough, they’d all trample the ladies to get to those eggs.

Ida Belle stepped forward and I noticed all the fidgeting ceased. Either they didn’t want to risk being kicked out of the fun or they were all a little afraid of Ida Belle. I was going with both. She waved the church ladies off and followed them to the sideline, while the kids waited for the signal.

“Do you want me to fire off a starting round?” I asked Marie, who’d come to stand next to me.

“Good Lord, no! Ida Belle will handle it. Besides, it’s against the law to fire a gun at an egg hunt, courtesy of the Great Egg Hunting Disaster of 1938.”

“Don’t tell me someone hit a kid.”

“Nothing like that. A man fired rock salt into the trees where there was a ton of pigeons roosting. They all hightailed it out of the tree and over the people. I’ve seen pictures. Even fuzzy old black-and-whites capture the horror.”

I cringed. I’d seen what kind of havoc frantic pigeons caused.

When the church ladies were all clear of the upcoming stampede, Ida Belle put her fingers in her mouth and whistled.

And they were off.

Several fell off the line, and some got to running faster than they were capable of and did some face-first sliding that professional baseball players would have envied. But for the most part, they scattered in every direction, rushing to find the plastic prizes. Two boys were in a tussle for an egg on top of the slide, and eventually one managed to shove the other down the slide and claim the prize.

Two girls raced for the same egg in the middle of the merry-go-round. When the older one got there first, she grabbed the egg and stood on the edge of the merry-go-round taunting the young girl. The younger one, in a move I had to appreciate for cleverness, gave the merry-go-round a hard shove and sent the other girl flying off backward. Then she scrambled around and claimed the dropped egg and hurried off before the older girl could retaliate.

“This is a little like TheHunger Games,” I remarked. “Isn’t Easter supposed to be all about peace and love?”

Marie grinned. “Well, they’d all love a piece of chocolate.”

“How’s your brother doing?” I asked.

Marie’s brother was special needs, and she was his primary caretaker.

“He’s as good as he’s ever going to be. Seems happy where he is, though. He’s especially fond of music and art class. I’ve asked him to come home with me on the weekends for visits, but he doesn’t want to leave.”

“That’s a good sign. I’m glad you found a place where he feels he belongs.”

“I heard what Gertie said about you helping that ill boy. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

I nodded and started to reply when a series of repetitive blasts went up in the woods behind the park. I looked over just as a flock of birds rose out of the trees surrounding the park and flew straight for us. I immediately jumped up and bolted into Ida Belle’s SUV. Marie jumped in behind me and slammed the door, then we both stuck our faces to the window, watching the drama unfold.

“It’s 1938 all over again,” Marie said. “Lord help us all.”

The birds—mostly pigeons—were clearly panicked, attempting to flee from what they assumed was certain death. But given that they’d never been the smartest of the bird family, they all appeared to be trying to find a place to land, but as they dipped down, kids and church ladies screamed, sending them back up, sometimes slamming into each other midflight. And they never failed to leave a ‘deposit’ as they made their retreats.

Ida Belle was the only one who’d remained somewhat collected, and she dashed for the table of snacks, yanked the tablecloth out from under the food and punch without moving anything so much as an inch, and covered the whole lot of it. Then she crawled under the table and sat down, which was the smartest thing she could have done. Some of the kids had taken the clever route of flipping their baskets over their heads as they ran for their cars.

The parents were as panicked as the birds as they twirled around, running into each other as they tried to locate their retreating children. Some of the church ladies spotted Ida Belle under the table and ran over, practically diving underneath to join her. Celia, of course, was standing in the middle of the hurricane of birds, flapping her arms like one of the panicked pigeons.

“Does she think if she moves her arms fast enough she’s going to be able to fly?” I asked.

Marie snorted. “Maybe if there’s a big gust of wind, she could use her huge panties as a wind sock and they could carry her away. Hopefully to another parish.”

I shook my head at the spectacle. “It’s just like that old movie Gertie had me watch—The Birds.”

Marie sighed. “I’ll go down in history as the mayor who ruined Easter. The second mayor who ruined Easter. Who the heck is shooting in those woods?”

“That’s not gunfire. It’s fireworks.”

“Are you sure—never mind. You would know. There’s no way the location and timing were an accident. If I get my hands on whoever did this…”

“I have an idea where to start—the kids who live next door to Skinny. The ones who let his dogs out yesterday. My guess is they weren’t allowed to come today and decided to get their revenge.”

We watched as two moms fought over the giant stuffed rabbit, both trying to crawl underneath it.

“Isn’t there anything we can do?” Marie asked.

“I could shoot them, but I’m guessing that would make things worse.”

“The people or the birds?”

I laughed. “The birds, but you’d have the Easter Egg Hunt Pigeon Massacre on your résumé.”

Marie groaned just as I saw Gertie dash from underneath the slide and into the middle of the park, wide open for dive-bombing.

“What the heck is she doing?” I asked.

Marie’s eyes widened and she grabbed my arm. “Is she on fire?”

It seemed like a ridiculous question, but then I saw the flames shooting up Gertie’s arm and realized she was, in fact, on fire.

Good. God.

She was running with a fistful of lit bottle rockets but at least had the forethought to put on a glove. Unfortunately, one of the fireworks must have gone off early and sent sparks backward because her sleeve was on fire, and the flame was shooting up her arm at an alarming rate. I jumped out of the SUV and sprinted toward her, just as she bounced to a stop and held her hand up in the air.

The bottle rockets shot out of her hand, sending a shower of sparks all around her as she bolted away. She’d managed a few steps before she realized that the fire on her sleeve was about to reach the end of the line, so she lowered her shoulder and launched into the stuffed rabbit. The two moms who’d been cowering underneath it jumped up and ran for their cars. The rabbit went up in flames as if someone had doused it with jet fuel.

I saw Ida Belle spring out from under the table and grab the punch bowl from beneath the tablecloth. She reached Gertie seconds before I did and threw the entire bowl of punch on her.

And me.

I yanked Gertie’s sleeve completely off her shirt and threw it on the ground, then gave it a good stomping. One of Celia’s crew ran toward the rabbit with a fire extinguisher, but it was pretty much a giant pile of ashes at that point. When she was about ten feet away, she stepped in a discarded basket, tripped, and set off the canister.

All over Celia.

I took one look at the giant glob of foamy white anger and sank onto the ground next to Gertie, laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Gertie wiped the punch out of her face, and when she got a clear look at Celia and realized what had happened, she joined me. We both had red punch dripping down our faces, but we didn’t even care. Ida Belle looked at Celia and grinned.

“You look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man,” Ida Belle said. “And before you threaten to sue, that was one of your own ladies who doused you.”

Celia dragged one hand across her face and flung the extinguisher foam at the three of us. “But it wasn’t her that started all this.”

“It wasn’t Gertie either,” I said. “Someone set off fireworks in the woods. Gertie was just retaliating to get those birds out of the park.”

Celia glared at us, but it was impossible to take her seriously looking like she did. When Gertie started giggling again, I couldn’t help but join in. Celia whirled around, slinging foam everywhere, and stomped off. The woman who’d doused her had disappeared and was probably hoping no one would tell Celia she was the guilty party.

“Are you all right?” I asked Gertie as I inspected her arm.

It was red but I didn’t see any blistering. She’d gotten lucky. The fire had burned so quickly on the sleeve that it hadn’t had time to scorch her skin badly.

“It stings some,” she said, “but it doesn’t look too bad. I’ll get some aloe vera on it and hopefully it won’t blister.”

“The sooner the better,” Ida Belle said. “Why don’t you head to the SUV? I’ll get the ladies started on cleanup and then run you home. I’m glad I have waterproof seat covers. Being friends with you is like having a perpetual toddler around.”

“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “It’s only a couple blocks and I can jog it. Saves you laundering one of the covers anyway.”

I jumped up and extended my arm to help Gertie.

“This has been a heck of a day,” she said as we headed for the street. “I haven’t had this much excitement since, well, yesterday.”

I laughed. “I’m not sure religious folk meant for Easter to be this entertaining.”

“It’s not for Marie,” Gertie said, and pointed to where Celia stood, dripping and flapping in front of our mayoral friend. “She’ll be wanting fire extinguisher woman, me, the birds, and the fireworks manufacturer all arrested.”

I shook my head. “God bless Marie. I don’t know how she deals with her.”

“She was married to Harvey. Marie looks all sweet and nice, but she could play chicken with a serial killer.”

I grinned and opened the door to the SUV, then closed her in before jogging off. My house was only a couple blocks away, and I figured by the time I got home I’d be mostly dry. If not, I’d go in through the garage and ditch all my clothes there so as not to drip across my floor. I wasn’t a fan of domestic duties, and mopping was definitely one of my least favorites.

As I jogged up to my house, I saw Ronald on his front lawn, pulling weeds. He caught a glimpse of me and headed my way, frowning.

“There was a situation at the Easter egg hunt,” I said.

“Were you in a duel in the park?” he asked, staring at me in dismay. “I heard gunfire.”

“Fireworks set off a pigeon explosion, but Gertie sent them back to where they came with her own stash.”

He gestured up and down. “And this?”

“Gertie caught herself on fire and Ida Belle put her out with the punch. I was collateral damage.”

He shook his head, then pulled out his phone and took a picture of me.

“What the heck was that for?” I asked.

“Because the next time I start complaining about how your wardrobe is mostly cheap stuff from Amazon, I’m going to look at this to remind myself how you treat clothes. Even cheap cotton with loose threads, uneven seams, and sketchy dye deserves better.”

“So what you’re saying is my refusal to shop is doing the fashion universe a favor?”

“As much as it pains me to admit it, yes. Now hurry up and get in the shower before that blond hair of yours stays pink.”

I gave him a wave and headed inside.