Chapter 20

20

O ne moment, we're in the cabin. The next, we're up on a hill, looking down at the village.

Nykander lets me go and I take a step back.

"Where are we?" I frown.

He doesn't answer. Instead, he takes my hand and leads me to a spot a few feet over. My eyes widen when I spot what he wants to show me.

There are a few tools around as well as unfinished pieces of wood. But next to them is a dog house.

A pink dog house.

"What is this?" I whisper.

"PomPom will need to nest when she goes into labor," he explains. "I figured she would be more comfortable here. In pink."

"You… You made this?" I swallow, emotions clogging my throat.

He nods.

"But why?"

He shrugs. "I just did."

He balances from one foot to another in discomfort.

I leave his side and go closer to the dog house to inspect it. He'd made it a little bigger to fit both PomPom and BonBon, and inside there are two dog beds—both pink.

"Where did you get the materials for this?"

"From the village."

"Pink cushions? How ?"

He purses his lips.

"I traded in work for them."

His words touch me and they shouldn't.

I continue to examine the house. He built it with his own hands, that much is clear. The details are gorgeous, but as I plop myself on the ground in front of it, I note the engraved writing above the small entrance.

PomPom's villa.

"You shouldn't have," I murmur, my eyes glued to this pink wonder that I have no doubt PomPom will absolutely love.

"Why?"

"I don't like it when you're nice to me, Nykander. In fact, I much prefer it when you're an asshole."

His brows gather together in confusion.

"But I thought you would like it."

"Oh, I do like it. That is not the issue. But when you do things like this, I can't hate you with as much vigor as before."

"Then maybe… Don't hate me?" The question is hopeful. An uncertain smile pulls at his lips.

I shake my head.

"I can't do that. Because if I don't hate you… If I don't have reasons to keep my distance, then…"

"Then what, Barbi?"

"I'll want to be close to you. But being close to you only hurts me, and I really don't want to hurt anymore, Nykander."

"I am sorry." He sighs.

I give him a sad smile.

"Sorry doesn't change our dynamic, does it?"

"But what if it could?"

My brows shoot up in question.

"What if being close to me did not hurt?"

"What are you trying to say?"

He takes a deep breath as he takes a seat on the ground next to me. He takes my hand into his much bigger one and squeezes it lightly.

"I was an asshole. But there is a reason for it, Barbs, despite the fact that it's a very poor one."

"Barbs?" I ask in amusement.

"You do not like it?" He blinks.

I shake my head, smiling.

"No one's called me that before. I…like it," I murmur shyly.

He smiles, nodding to himself.

"You were right. I am attracted to you. But the mere thought that I would find another female attractive scared me," he admits.

"Why?"

"Because I vowed I would not."

I remain silent as I look at his profile. The moonlight illuminates the high bridge of his nose, making him appear regal, unapproachable. But the mood surrounding us is completely opposite. For the first time, there is a vulnerability to him that calls to me.

And that scares me.

"I will respect your vow, Nykander. I will not attempt anything. Do not worry on my account. But we should continue at least on friendly terms. I forgive you for what you said, but that does not mean I will forget. Your words were cruel."

Guilt pulls at his features.

"That is the issue, Barbs. I have already broken that vow and many others. I do not think this is just the mating bond. I am attracted to you, but more than anything… I want to spend time with you."

"You do?" I ask, surprised.

"You're funny and cute and so damn entertaining. I find myself laughing as I have not done in thousands of years. For the first time since Mo died, there is a lightness in my soul when I am in your presence."

My heart pounds in my chest. But my mind refuses to believe his words. After all, I have been burned before.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I have been fighting my growing feelings for you since the moment we met. Before the mating bond. In the beginning, I thought you were entertaining because I had been locked up, alone, for so long. But that did not explain why I continued to yearn to be in your presence. After I left you in the woods, I considered walking away. I tried to walk away. But I could not. I told myself that I was looking out for you—but when have I looked out for anyone else? From the start, it was an anomaly that I sought to explain even when it was simply unexplainable."

"Yet you pushed me away then too."

"Because I was scared," he admits, tilting his head to gaze at the stars. There is a trace of melancholy in his voice.

"You, scared?" I ask skeptically.

"Me, scared." He chuckles. "Even to my own ears that sounds foreign."

"Then why did you do it? Why were you so mean to me?"

"It was the only way to push you away. The more you smiled at me, the more you made me laugh, and it created a rift in my heart that I was unable to reconcile. One half wanted to continue as I have before: get the artifact, get back to Tartareia, and get my revenge. It seemed easy enough. But the other half wanted…more."

His thumb caresses my wrist before he brings it to his lips for a soft kiss. Nonetheless, it's one that makes my heart stop in my chest.

"More?"

He simply smiles.

"If I stop running, will you have me?" He turns to me to ask.

I gulp down. The look in his eyes makes me shiver with awareness.

"I—"

"I do not mean right now. I am aware I fucked everything up."

"But what if you decide to run away again? What if…" I pause to gather my composure. "What if you get to Tartareia and you find a way to break our bond. What then?"

He stares at me.

"There is only one way through which I can show you that will not happen."

I raise my brows in question.

"We will consummate our bond so our mating will be complete."

My eyes widen in shock. But before I can process what he just said, he continues.

"Before you, my journey had only one outcome. Death. But with you… Maybe I will get a second chance at life."

My tongue peeks out to wet my lips as I consider his words.

My chest tightens, my heart heavy with emotion. It's everything I've ever wanted to hear, isn't it? But why am I not more…happy? Why am I not throwing myself in his arms already?

The truth is that no matter how much I may yearn for him, there is a small part of me that doubts this—that doubts everything about us.

"Tell me about her," I whisper. "About Mo."

His features tighten, and he looks away.

"If you want this to work, you will have to open up eventually, Nykander. How can I accept you when I know close to nothing about you? About…your love."

Just saying that aloud pains me more than anything. And that is one of the reasons why I doubt this so much.

I don't want to be second best. I don't want him to always think about his past lover and see me only as his consolation prize.

I want…everything.

Maybe it's greedy of me to desire that. But I don't want to be his second chance at life. I want to be his first and only. Too bad one woman already claimed that.

I swallow down against the wave of disappointment that envelops me.

The past is written in stone. I cannot change that. But the future…

"She was my wife," he finally says.

I look at him in surprise.

"In my culture, when males reach their maturity, they will take their first lover, who also serves as their blood donor. It is not uncommon after that for a male to have multiple lovers. Marriage happens much later, when a male is seven to ten thousand years old. There is a group of females in Tartareia—the daughters of Tenebreis—who are specifically reared for the task to be a wife to a male in a position of power. Their breeding is immaculate, and they are raised in complete seclusion to be pure for their future husband and ensure that their children will also have the perfect pedigree. It is an archaic practice, but it is how things are always done within the ranks of the aristocracy."

I nod, urging him to continue.

"I was three thousand years old when I met her. She was…the only person who ever believed in me. Back then, we were at war with Aperion, and I had already seen my fair share of fighting. She was everything the battlefield was not. Pure. Shy. Mischievous." He smiles fondly. "But she was not a daughter of Tenebreis. I took her as my wife against my family's wishes. Back then, I was not aware of my brother's plot to kill me. I had always known he did not like me very much since I inherited my teleportation abilities from our mother's side and my dark matter manipulation from our father's. He inherited none. Our conflict began when our father died, a few years after my sister was born. My brother assumed the role of the leader of our clan, but he always saw me as a threat to his power. So one day, he tried to kill me." He stops abruptly, his eyes squeezing shut. "Yet it was not me he killed. It was her. Mo."

A tremble racks his body.

"She died instead of me."

The pain in his voice is unmistakable. It's raw, a wound that is still bleeding.

"Nykander…"

"I could not even say goodbye. Her soul's essence was destroyed, so nothing remained of her. Nothing," he says on a ragged voice.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper.

She might be my opponent in this game of love, but she is also the reason why Nykander is standing here today. With me.

She…saved him.

How can I hate someone like that?

How can I resent someone who saved him so he could find his way to me?

He brings his hand to wipe a tear of blood dripping from the corner of his eye. He looks away from me, not wanting to show me this vulnerable side of him. Yet it's this side that makes my heart beat faster in my chest and my soul clamor even more for his.

"It's okay to cry if it hurts, Nykander."

He shakes his head, blinking back more tears.

"Since then, I have been trying to find a way back to avenge her. It was the only thing on my mind until…"

Before I can help myself, I reach for him. I cup his cheeks within my palms and bring his face closer to mine, urging him to look at me. His eyes are a tumultuous gray surrounded by a sea of blood. His eyes bleed just like his soul does, and it breaks my heart despite knowing he bleeds for another—for someone who is not me.

"Grieve her. Cry for her. But if you want to come to me, you will have to leave all your baggage behind," I tell him gently. "I like you. I really do. Maybe I more than like you, which, I'll be damned if I know why, considering how you've behaved toward me. But there is something between us. I will accept that. But I cannot envision spending an eternity with someone who wishes I were another woman. I cannot— will not —be with you unless you let her go. I am not asking you to give up your revenge or forget about her—it would be cruel of me to do so. But I am asking you that if you are with me, you are only with me. There is no place for a ghost between us, and I would rather spend my life alone than with someone who was hung up on another woman."

He blinks and the blood drops fall down his cheeks. I lean in and lick them with my tongue, tasting the sweetness of his blood.

"What are you doing to me, Barbi?" he asks in a ragged voice. "How is it that you make me forget everything when I am with you?"

He grabs my nape with his hand, bringing me close to him and resting his forehead against mine.

"I have not been with another in seven thousand years," he mutters, his mouth close to my skin. His hot breath fans against my cheek, making me shiver in response. "I have not looked at another female in seven thousand years. Until this. Until you."

"Nykan—"

"Let me get it out, Barbi. Words are not my strong suit, and you might find many instances in which I say the wrong things because I cannot articulate the right ones." He swallows. "I was raised in a military household. I trained and fought. After I left Tartareia, I scoured world after world in search of the artifact, doing nothing but scheme, fight, and kill. In all those years, nothing shook my focus. Until you ended up in the same cell with me—until you made me laugh for the first time in forever. I have been fighting this all along, thinking I could not betray Mo's memory. But someone helped me realize that allowing you in would not betray her memory, it would be honoring it."

My lashes flutter in confusion, but he merely smiles.

"I am not a good male, Barbi. I do not have honorable intentions. My plan still stands."

"I don't need you to be good, Nykander. I only need you to be good to me ."

His hands caress my jaw as he regards me with longing in his eyes. Leaning into me, his lips part over my pulse point as he traces it with his tongue. His fangs elongate, grazing my sensitive flesh.

A low moan erupts from my throat.

In the blink of an eye, I am on my back on the grass, with him looming over me. His features are swathed in darkness. There is only the dim light from the moon that illuminates half of his face, revealing his starved expression.

He brushes his lips over my neck, but he doesn't bite me even though I give him unfettered access.

He moves lower.

His mouth hovers over my breasts, his breath tickling me even through the material of the dress.

My breathing becomes labored as I imagine him touching me there, licking me there…

A shudder travels down my body.

But he is only teasing me.

He slides lower, down my hips.

Pulling on my dress, he lifts it to reveal my naked legs. The cold air of the night caresses my private parts and it dawns on me I'm still not wearing any panties.

"Uhm, Nykander…" I'm about to voice my concern, but the words stop in my throat as he places his mouth on my inner thigh.

He glides his tongue over my skin, kissing his way up. Just as I think I have his trajectory figured out, he surprises me by sinking his fangs into my thigh, feeding directly from my femoral artery.

My back arches as a mix of pain and pleasure shoots through me. Blood flows into his mouth, making me lightheaded and entirely at his mercy.

His hands cup my ass as he spreads me further, feasting on me and savoring every drop.

A deep rumble erupts from his chest as he removes his fangs from my flesh, using his mouth instead to lick every bit of blood left until my wound closes.

"Fuck," he mutters in an unrecognizable voice. "So sweet. So…" he trails off as he continues to make his way up, biting into me again.

I thread my fingers through his hair as I urge him to take more, consume me until there's nothing left of me—until every bit of my essence finds its home inside him.

Once more, he leans back to lap at the wound as it's closing, bunching my dress over my hips to reveal my naked sex.

I'm wet. Embarrassingly so.

But he doesn't seem to mind as he inhales me deeply, relishing my scent. His mouth is right on top of my sex, his breath caressing my drenched folds. My body is weeping for him. It doesn't care about anything but fulfillment. It craves that sweet ecstasy that he's flaunting in front of me.

"You smell so good," he rasps, nuzzling his face between my legs. "So fucking sweet."

I gulp down as a wave of embarrassment overtakes me. This is the first time someone has seen me like this, and despite being incredibly attracted to him, something doesn't feel…right.

This is going too fast. I might lust for him with my entire being, but he hasn't even kissed me yet.

"Nykander," I call out, pulling on his hair. He raises his head to look at me. His eyes have the same crazed look as before, his irises almost entirely black. "Stop," I murmur shyly. "This is too soon. Too…"

It takes him a moment to register my words and he suddenly wrenches himself away from me.

He stands up to his full height. He averts his gaze, his chest rising and falling.

"I—" I mumble awkwardly as I get myself into a seating position and pull my dress down to cover myself.

"You do not need to explain yourself to me, Barbi."

"It's not that I don't want to. I do, but…" I bite my lip in uncertainty. "I don't have much experience and we're going too fast."

He whips his head around to stare at me. The intensity of his expression makes the ache between my legs grow.

My cheeks flame under his perusal, and I squirm around to make myself more presentable while attempting to alleviate some of the discomfort down there.

God, this is the first time I've been this aroused, and I have no idea how to handle it.

"What experience do you have?" The question comes out as a growl as his body tenses.

"Uhm." I peer at him from beneath my lashes. "None?"

His gaze scans me from head to toe before he releases a deep sigh, as if my answer offered him relief.

"And those guys your age? " He raises a brow at me.

An awkward smile pulls at my lips.

"There aren't any," I murmur dryly.

Taking a step forward, he drops to one knee in front of me. His palm cups my cheek, his thumb caressing my jaw.

"Good," he purrs. "I will take you back to the cabin now."

I stare at him in confusion.

"W-what?" I blink. That was sudden. "Did I do something wrong? Did you want to…you know? I'm so sorry, Nykander, but I always imagined my first time to be special, and this isn't exactly special." I wave toward the dog house. "Especially since I don't know if I have fully forgiven you just yet. Maybe after we spend more time together? You know, not fighting and with you not being an ass. I know you said you want to consummate the bond but… Can I have some time? That is not to say I don't want to. It's just that I don't know what to expect, really. I've read books and I've seen spicy movies, but that's about it, and I know real life is not fiction so…"

There I go, rambling like a mad woman again.

"Barbi." He smiles. "You do not have to worry about it. We will go at your pace," he assures me.

I give him a tremulous smile.

"Thank you."

"But that is not why I need to take you back," he continues, his voice holding a hint of embarrassment.

My brows go up. In response, he points to his pants.

My eyes travel down his body for the first time and a gasp flies past my lips.

He's hard. Very, very hard. Painfully hard.

"I require some time to fix this problem," he adds apologetically. "And that sweet smell of yours does not make it easy on me."

"Oh."

"Come on, it is late. I will take you back."

He helps me to my feet, ready to go, when I stop him.

"Are you sure you are not mad?" I ask, taking a step back to put some distance between us.

But because I am a clumsy mess who is blushing uncontrollably, I trip backward. Limbs flailing, I almost make contact with the ground when he catches me. He steadies me, his touch burning me through my clothes.

"I am not mad, Barbi. Why should I be? I respect your choices and I will let you take the lead."

I bite my lip.

"Is that painful?" I nod toward the dent in his pants. "Since you know… You haven't had any action in thousands of years. You haven't, right? You said you haven't looked at another woman, but does that mean you also haven't…done it ?"

"It?" He raises a brow, amused.

"You know what I mean," I mumble awkwardly.

"Yes, that is exactly what it means. I have not been with a female in over seven thousand years."

My lashes flutter.

"That is a long time," I murmur softly.

"Which is why any additional time will not make a difference," he tells me with a gentle smile.

"I see," I reply pensively. "And have you been with many women? How many have you kissed? How many have you been to second base with? What about home run? Were you a playboy? You now know about my experience level, but I don't know about yours. And to make sure things will go smoothly, I need to know what I am up against."

He tilts his head to the side, amused.

"I did not understand half the things you said," he says with a chuckle. "But to answer your first question, the only female I have ever kissed and been with is Mo."

"Oh."

A pang of envy spears through me.

She was his first . No wonder he can't forget her. She probably taught him everything.

"Was it…nice?"

"Barbi." He sighs. "What is with all these questions?"

"I am curious."

"I do not think you want to know that. Some things are better left unsaid."

I peer at him surreptitiously.

"You don't have to tell me that then. But what else did you do with her?"

"Barbi," he calls my name in a warning tone.

"Fine, fine. But you said you would f—" I swallow, finding it hard to say the word aloud. "Fuck my ass," I blurt out, immediately reddening in the process. "Did you do that with her too?"

I half turn, palming my cheeks in an attempt to stop my racing heart.

He's right that some things are better left unsaid, but I can't help but be curious. I want to know what I have to measure up against and what I need to do to erase her from his mind until he only sees me . And one way I can do that is by having mind-blowing sex with him—so much so he becomes addicted to me.

But the issue remains that I am rather clueless about how to do that.

I should have brought one of my spicy romances with me.

"You are impossible." He shakes his head. "But no. We did not do that."

I whip my head around, my smile widening. I can't say I've given much thought to anal before, but there's a start to everything, no?

"Then I will be your first, too," I declare. "I will have at least one of your firsts," I gush.

He stares at me for moments on end.

"I suppose you are right," he says, his lips curving up. "Assuming you will let me fuck your ass."

I bite my lip as my body becomes even warmer.

"Eventually. We can work our way up to it."

"I cannot believe we are having this conversation." He laughs as he scrubs a hand over his face.

"Why? It's a must-have conversation for new couples. And that is what we are, no? We are a new couple. Not that I have forgiven you just yet. But I am getting there. In the meantime, we are boyfriend and girlfriend," I say as I point at him before pointing at myself.

"A couple, huh? I suppose that is what we are."

"Since intimate relations are important to a couple, I think it's better to lay it all out from the start. This way we will have a much more pleasurable time together," I say confidently.

"And how would you know that?" He raises a brow. "You have no experience."

"Maybe." I shrug. "But that is how I want to acquire experience. Transparently. With communication. I want us to be honest with each other. If our souls are in agreement, our bodies will be, too."

His eyes widen at my words and he averts his gaze. His chest moves up and down with every breath.

"You said you wanted your first time to be special. What is special for you?"

"Love," I answer immediately. "I want you to love me. Be so irrevocably in love with me that you cannot envision us being apart even for one moment."

"Love," he repeats, tasting the word on his tongue and finding it foreign.

"Love me, Nykander, and I will give myself wholly to you." I step closer. "Body and soul. I will be yours. Love me, and you will have my unfailing devotion—for an eternity." I raise myself on the tips of my toes and lay a chaste kiss on his neck. "But cheat on me, and I will become your worst nightmare—for eternity and beyond."

He gazes down at me with an inscrutable expression.

"See, I am a rather simple creature. I only require one thing." I smile to make light of the situation.

He doesn't share my amusement.

"You, Barbi, are far from simple, for what you ask is the most invaluable thing in the universe."