Chapter Two Mist

I loved it when Baldr read to me. It was one of the things that not only kept me sane, but made me feel like a normal person again. Of course, I knew people didn’t just sit around reading to one another in the outside world. I didn’t have a lot of memories of my life before my imprisonment, but I did remember that much. I knew Baldr was reading to me to be kind and to show me he cared. And I loved him for it.

Well, I loved him anyway, but I kept that detail to myself because I wasn’t sure if it was real. For years and years, I’d been trapped in this magical hellhole, tormented and tortured by Tyr as he tried to force me to use magic I couldn’t reach. There were times, especially early on, where I thought that if I tried hard enough, Tyr might grow to love me. Maybe he’d eventually see me as his own kin and start to treat me better. And if I finally did exactly what he wanted, maybe he’d let me go.

After a while, I started to care for my captor and tormentor, blaming myself for his emotional outbursts that led to pain and suffering on my part. It wasn’t until Baldr came along and showed me what true kindness was that I realized how far I’d fallen into the darkness. After that it was a long road back to the surface, clawing back whatever sense of normal I could find. Baldr helped me along the way, always being there to support me even when I lashed out at him or spent our entire meeting crying because I couldn’t process how I felt.

Being trapped in a dome for years on end with no way to reach the outside world made me feel insane. And it was only in the past couple of years that I started to feel a little closer to normal. Then again, Tyr had been paying less and less attention to me as well, giving me a break from his tyranny. There were times where he’d only visit once a week, dropping a sack of food and closing the shield without a word. Those were my favorite times because I hated that man with my entire being.

Still, I knew that if I could give him what he wanted, he’d let me out of the dome. So, I continued to try to find my power. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach it. Most of the time, I didn’t think I had any to begin with. I knew better, though. There was only one time Tyr managed to break me and he nearly paid for it with his life.

But I didn’t want to think about that. Not while Baldr was reading me a story.

“This one is a bit different than the ones you usually bring,” I said during a pause in Baldr’s reading. “It’s… I don’t know… somehow more ethereal than the other fantasy books you’ve brought.”

“Earthsea is like that,” he replied, a smile in his voice. “I think that’s why I like it so much. Sometimes it feels almost like a long meandering dream instead of a story. There’s something enticing about that.”

I leaned my head back, resting it against the dome. The magic buzzed warmly, like it always did when Baldr was just on the other side. We were sitting back to back and even though we couldn’t actually touch, it was comforting, nonetheless. I felt a little tingle run down my spine and pool near my groin. Being this close to him always got me a little excited despite my best efforts to be decent.

“Do you think Ged will win against the shadow?”

“I hope so,” Baldr replied. “It wouldn’t be a hero story if the hero didn’t win at the end.”

I hesitated for a moment, a question hovering on the edge of my mind.

“What is it?” Baldr asked, prodding me through the telepathic bond. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“It… It’s stupid.”

“I bet it’s not.”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I guess I was just wondering if my story would be like Ged’s?”

“How do you mean?”

“Do you think someone will defeat the shadow in my life?”

The question took Baldr by surprise. That was easy to tell. But the emotional response wasn’t anger at Tyr like I expected. Instead, it was a soft sort of pity, the kind that cut me down to the deepest places of my heart. I hated making him feel like that, especially when I was the cause. I didn’t want to be pitied, and I didn’t want my best friend to feel bad on my behalf.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I told you it was dumb.” I shook my head, trying to clear the thoughts away. “Don’t worry about it. Just keep reading.”

“Mist…” he began, then stopped.

“It’s okay,” I said, repeating his earlier sentiment. “Just say what’s on your mind.”

He seemed to steel himself, gathering up his courage before he spoke. “I’m gonna get you out of this dome,” he growled through gritted teeth. “I don’t care what it takes. I will get you out of this hell.”

“Baldr…”

“No! I’m gonna do it!” he shot back. “I’m getting stronger and stronger every day. I can even teleport over short distances now. Not very often, of course, but that means my powers are growing. At this rate, it’s just a matter of time before I can get you out of here for good. And then you can come live with me… I mean us, up at the hotel. You’ll never have to go outside again if you don’t want to.”

“That would be really nice,” I replied, a tinge of melancholy hope in my voice. “I would love that.”

“It’s gonna happen. I promise.”

“Baldr… you don’t have to promise that. I know you’d get me out if you could.”

“And I will,” he repeated. He took a long pause. “Are you sure you don’t remember who put you in here? Anything would help.”

I let out a long sigh. We’d had this conversation hundreds of times and Baldr always held out hope that I’d finally remember something from my past. But I couldn’t. And the more time I spent in the bubble, the less I seemed to remember.

“I’m sorry, Baldr… but I don’t remember anything.”

“Nothing about your family or anything?”

“I think I remember having one. And I remember life being different from how it is now. But the details… they’re fuzzy. It’s like I can see them, but when I reach out to touch them, they’re behind glass, just out of reach.”

“Someone put a block on your mind, too,” Baldr growled. “I’m sure of it. If I could just touch you, I know I could get rid of it.” He paused again. “Or if I could find out who did it, I could confront them.”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help, I really do.”

“I know. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Mist. It’s just… frustrating.”

We both sat there for a long time, just thinking. I could feel Baldr’s thoughts racing. He tried to keep them hidden from me over the bond, but I knew he was thinking about me. I had to admire his magic, though. It was delicate, elegant, and woven beautifully. The connection between us could easily be invasive, and it had been the first few times we’d tried it as kids. But now that he was older, there was a thoughtfulness toward privacy in the spell, allowing us to communicate, but keep our thoughts private as if we were conversing verbally. It was beautiful, gentle magic, and I found myself wishing I could do something similar.

But the only times I’d ever managed to touch my own magic, it terrified me. All I could feel was a well of chaos deep, deep inside me. There was a place where it was trapped, a darkness that I couldn’t penetrate even when all my focus was bent on it. My one and only outburst had happened so quickly that I didn’t know what I’d done. However, from that day forward I kept my emotions in check, worried they might be the key to releasing the full wrath of a magic that I had no skills to control.

That’s why I never told Baldr how I felt about him. I was afraid it would set me off. Well, that and the fact that he was my only friend in the entire world. What if I told him how I felt and he never came back? Then I’d be alone forever with nobody but Tyr torturing me whenever he felt like it. That wasn’t a future I could face.

So, for now, I kept all those warm but terrifying emotions to myself. I could love Baldr quietly from the other side of the dome. Of course, that didn’t stop me from fantasizing alone in my hut at night about what it might be like if we were ever together. I was ashamed to admit that sometimes those fantasies got a bit naughty. Baldr wasn’t a prude about sex, of course and we’d chatted about it a little bit. But whenever I found myself alone and feeling frisky, it was him that came to mind. Those were always the best fantasies. But, when all was said and done, they only existed in my imagination.

Besides, it wasn’t like we could actually be together. The magic trapping me inside was never going to come down and Tyr would never let me go unless I could be useful to him. However, I figured it was only a matter of time before he killed me or forced me into some magical berserker state that consumed me completely. Either way, I wasn’t going to get out of the dome and then have a life to live.

My fate was already set in stone. Destruction was my future, one way or another.

“You okay?” Baldr asked, interrupting my thoughts. “You feel… strange.”

“Sorry,” I said, projecting a smile his way. “I was just thinking about the story so far and what might happen.”

“Want me to keep reading?” he asked, picking up the book once more.

“Yeah. I would love that.”

And what I really meant was I love you.