Chapter 18

Kailee

I expect the knock at my door, but I startle as the sound echoes through my apartment. I drop the spoon I had just pulled out of a drawer, and it falls to the counter with a clatter as a yelp comes from my mouth. I cover my mouth with both hands.

"Kailee?" Chase's voice asks from the other side of the door. I quickly open the door and allow him to cup my face and bend to my eye level. "You OK? I heard a noise when I knocked."

I push his hands down. "Relax. You just startled me. You have that police knock thing down."

"Sorry. Habit."

"Come on in." I open the door wider and let his body touch mine as he slides past me on the way to my living room. Maybe it's hormones or just my incredible attraction to him, but part of me wishes he'd push me against the wall and take what he wants again. "I guess you're here to do some actual talking. No running?"

He sits on the couch and spreads his arms on the top like he owns the place. "No more running from this. Let's chat."

I sit in the tiny wingback chair across from him. Once I'm in the seat, I realize how much more comfortable the couch is. I eye his arms over the back of the couch and wish I could curl up next to him and feel those arms wrap around me while I bury my face in his chest and cry every worry and fear away.

"I'm sorry," I say, practically a whisper.

He squints. "For what?"

"For getting pregnant."

"I assume you aren't on birth control."

I chuckle and look out my nearby window, cringing as I notice I need to clean the glass. "I assumed I couldn't get pregnant after the endometriosis hell I went through in my late teens, and a doctor assumed that I would have fertility issues. You assumed I was on birth control. I guess it's true what they say about assuming – it makes an ass out of you and me. We all assumed and are definitely asses now."

"I didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming you. It's my fault as much as it is yours. I could have pulled out. I could have used a condom. This is on both of us. I didn't mean it to sound so sexist."

He drums his fingers on the couch upholstery as we sit in silence for a few moments. Cars honk going by outside, and a bird chirps just outside the window. We both hold our breath, probably waiting for the other to speak.

"What do you want to do?" he finally whispers. "You sounded like you weren't sure you want to have it when we were at the doctor's office."

I look at the floor. "I don't know. I was kind of hoping you'd give me guidance because I honestly can't decide. I go back and forth."

"That's a lot of pressure on me."

"Suck it up because I've had a lot of pressure on me the last few weeks with trying to figure out how to tell you and what to do."

"Fair enough. Did you make a pros and cons list?"

I smirk. "How do you know me so well already?"

"You seem the type, and it's my job to know people. What were the pros?"

I hold up my hand and tick the items off as I look at the ceiling and try to remember what I wrote down in a journal entry I discarded last week. "I may never get pregnant again, so this is probably my only chance to have a child. I mean, I really think it was a fluke and all the stars aligned given my history."

"Valid," he nods.

I hold up another finger. "Lorelei says medical care could have changed in the last thirty years, so my birth experience may not be as scary as my mother's." I pause and look around the room. "That's it. I had two items on the pro list."

"The cons?" he asks.

"I had an entire page of those. I can't afford it. I could run into the same health issues as my mother. I'm not exactly known for great responsibility, so I'm not sure what kind of mother I'll make." I take a breath. "Those were just the top items."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I inhale and finally look at him, expecting angry eyes. But his face is kind. Hurt. Damn, I didn't want to hurt him. "I was scared. I wanted it all to go away so we could just date since it was going so well."

"We can still date, Kailee. Nothing has to change about that."

My hands grip the cushion under me. "No, we can't."

"What do you mean we can't? Are we not having this baby?"

"Whether we have the baby or not is irrelevant. Dating is complicated now."

"What the fuck?" Chase mumbles under his breath, shaking his head.

"We can't date because I'll never again know if you're just dating me out of obligation because of the baby. I don't want to start a relationship like that."

He brings his arms down from the back of the sofa and cracks each knuckle in turn. "Do you think I don't want to get to know you now? Don't want to date you? Jesus fucking Christ, Kailee, I told you the morning before I found out that I wanted to be with you."

"Yeah!" I yell. I pull at the hem of my shirt in frustration. "Just us. Not a baby in between us. It was all fine as long as it was a typical dating scenario. It's not. You may hate me in six months, but you'll feel like you have to stay now. I don't want to be your obligation, Chase. I've seen it a million times with friends and extended family. They get married because someone got pregnant, and they end up hating each other. One or both cheat and they end up divorced and fighting a shitty custody battle that leaves everyone bloody and scarred, even the kid. I don't want that."

"What do you want then?" he asks, raising his voice and scooting to the edge of his seat. "Tell me what to do, and I'll do it."

"Do you want this child?" I ask. I hold my breath, and my vision tunnels so he's the only thing I can see. There is no room around us. There's only Chase in front of me.

"Yes," he says in a suddenly quiet voice. "I've had a few days to think, and I want it. I'm willing to take custody and are willing to go through birth."

"What?" I yell. "If I'm risking my life and health to have this baby, I'm damn well going to raise it!" I yell. "How dare you?"

Chase runs his hands through his hair and stands. He paces in front of the couch much like he did at the doctor's office. Great. I reproduced with a pacer .

"I'm not trying to be an asshole. No matter what I say, it comes out wrong. I'm just saying that I'll be happy to do whatever you want. What do you mean when you say health issues?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does to me!" he yells. "You matter to me."

"Only because I'm pregnant."

Chase pinches the bridge of his nose and makes a humming sound. "Is this some kind of hormonal thing? This irrational back and forth?"

"Irrational? Hormonal? Do you even hear yourself?"

He rolls his neck and rubs his shoulders, humming again. That must be an angry Chase thing. "Yes, I fucking hear myself. I just told you I want the baby! I asked you what your opinion is. What do you want? Tell me what it is. I'll do it. I'll do it, and I'll never make a peep if it's something I don't want. You're the one having to carry and give birth."

"If you want it, I'll have it."

"Fine." He throws up his hands. "Let's have a baby!"

"Fine!" I yell.

"When are you moving in?"

I lurch back like he punched me. "What?"

"When are you moving in?" he asks again. He crosses his arms over his chest.

"Why in the ever-loving fuck would I move in with you?"

He shrugs. "Why wouldn't you? It'll be easier to care for the baby, and we can get to know each other better. It'll be hard getting up and down these stairs when you're further along, and I want to keep you safe. It's a win-win."

"It's a lose-lose. We'll just end up resenting each other."

"How do you know that? We got along great before I knew you were pregnant. It'll be easier if I can get up with the baby at night with you or change a diaper or…something. I don't know what babies do."

I shake my head and chew on the inside of my cheek. "I don't want you to feel obligated to me because of this baby."

"I don't feel obligated. You're being ridiculous! I want to be a part of this."

I glare at him and tap my own foot before crossing my arms over my chest, mirroring his pose. "If I wasn't pregnant, would you have just asked me to move in with you?"

His mouth opens and then closes. The expression is so fish-like that I stifle a chuckle in my fist. He blinks a few times until I clear my throat. "That's what I thought. I don't want me being pregnant to dictate our relationship." Sudden sadness seeps into my heart because I realize that Chase and I will always just be about the baby now. Not about getting to know each other outside of it. There will never be the just us he asked for the morning before he found out.

We glare at each other a few moments before I walk to the door. I open it and wave in the direction of the hallway. "I guess we're having a baby, but I will not move in with you. I will not do anything with you that I feel like you wouldn't ask if we weren't having a child together. I can't. I can't put myself in that position. I want love, Chase. Not obligation. Everyone deserves to be loved."

He huffs and shakes his head in silence as he stomps toward the door. When he's a foot away, he flexes his fingers like he wants to touch me. I understand that feeling because I want to touch him, but does he only want to touch me now because I'm carrying his child? I don't want that. I want him . I want him to love me for me, not my stretching uterus.

"See you at work tomorrow," I say, looking at his chest. I won't look into his eyes.

He sighs and reaches toward me. I think he'll touch my cheek or push a lock of my hair back from my face, but he lowers his hand at the last second and shoves it into his pocket. "Yeah. See you at work."