Chapter 21

I held the coin up over the glass railing, turning it one way or the other, looking at how the face glinted in the moonlight. Ocean Drive streaked with cars below me, and over the beach past it, the half-moon cast milky shapes over the long, rolling waves of the ocean, a tranquil sight in contrast to the hum and chatter of the rooftop bar behind me.

"London," Ruth's voice said, coming breathlessly through the crowd, and I palmed the coin, glancing back to where she squeezed past a couple of drunk tourists and dropped down at the table next to me. "Lord, I kept you waiting for ages. I swear I've never seen traffic on the bridge so bad."

"Not like I'm in a rush. Unemployed, remember?" I pushed away from the railing, sinking back into my chair across from her, and on a whim, I flipped the coin. "Call it."

"What, deciding whether to be mad at me?"

I laughed, catching the coin and palming it, clapping it onto the back of my other hand, covering it. "Just call it."

She shrugged. "Heads?"

I glanced at the coin. Tails. "Heads," I said, pocketing the coin. "Guess I won't be mad."

She raised her eyebrows high. "Uh… you had a mental break or something?"

"Just a little." I leaned forward, folding my arms on the table. "Hey—I wanted to ask you a favor."

"Not gonna flip your coin to see if you should ask?"

I laughed. "Nah. Already agonized enough over it."

"All right, all right. Let's hear it."

"I want you to lay into me."

She opened her mouth, closed it, and cocked her head. "If that's some kind of euphemism, sorry, but I'm straight…"

"Ew, Ruth. I think it says more about you that you interpret it that way." I shook my head, laughing. "Nah. Just… I'm sure you've held back a lot of the things you wanted to say to me over the years. Things I need to hear. I want you to put them all on me."

She blinked. "Did something happen?"

I looked back over the railing, casting my gaze out over the water. "Ugh… Cameron Mercier happened."

"You two have a fight?"

"Fight's a strong word… more a graceful goodbye." I pursed my lips. "But I don't think I want to say goodbye. Not yet. Feels like it's wasting this last month and a half I've got here, close to her."

She narrowed her eyes, studying me for a while before she said, "You're saying all that, and you're telling me you two aren't doing anything?"

I shook my head. "We are. Or… we were."

"Dammit, I knew it—" She clapped her fist into her palm. "Since when?"

I gave her a sardonic smile. "I'm hitting up the bar. Want to join me, or can I bring you back something?"

"Oh, just dropping that and walking away?"

"I'm planning on coming back."

She laughed, an odd look in her eyes. "Mai Tai. Might as well commemorate this."

"This being…"

"Being you losing your damn mind."

Well. That did call for celebration.

I went to the bar, and I found myself spontaneously ordering a cosmo, my mind going back to LIV, and Ruth's Mai Tai. The bartender took her time, busy sweet-talking a couple of college boys who looked like they were ready to bleed tips for attention, and by the time she got my drinks set down, Ruth showed up next to me with a twenty to cover them both.

"Hey," I said, and she nudged me.

"You're unemployed. Besides, my apology for being late."

"Well, not turning down a free drink. Thanks."

She drank too much of her cocktail in one go, laughing as she set it down back at our table by the railing. "So, now that I bought you that drink…"

"You were just trying to buy gossip?"

"So shoot me." She put her arms out to the sides. "I'll be a martyr for something this juicy."

I looked down into the surface of my drink. There was something… about it. About everything, here, tonight. A kind of surrealism in the atmosphere, a sense that I was above it all, looking down from a bird's-eye view. It took a second to find words. "It was just a casual thing. Met her at LIV that Sunday night—"

"Seriously? You went and hooked up with the client beforehand?"

"Just don't tell anybody…"

She laughed, loud and wild, into her hand. "London Sinclair, you dog."

"Like I said, it was just casual. Until… it wasn't." I sipped lightly at my drink, just occupying myself while I picked out words from a nebulous ether. "And then everything went to hell in a handbasket. For both of us. Her parent company is seriously considering dropping her brand, after a bit of a… smear campaign from her ex-husband." I furrowed my brow. "Current husband… I suppose."

She shook her head. "If I were to pick, out of all the names in the world, who would go on a fling with a client—a married woman—and Cameron goddamn Mercier—you would not be in my top one million."

"I know… I know."

"She changed you." She leaned in towards me, narrowing her eyes. "That's what this is about? Cameron Mercier's made you into a different woman."

Was it that simple? It was a million more things, and yet, at its heart… "Yeah. That's about it."

"So… what's the coin thing?"

"Uh—don't worry about that." I sat up straighter. "I went to see her earlier today. She told me… told me we never could have been, anyway."

She frowned. "Because of her husband?"

"You'd think. But no. She's a very contrary woman." I laughed suddenly, running a finger around the rim of my drink. "It's very attractive, if I'm being honest."

She pursed her lips. "Not what I would have placed as your type."

"Well, now you know."

"Learning new things about you all the time."

"Me too." I folded my arms, giving her a serious look. "No. She said it's because I'm not me. I'm trying to be someone else."

She frowned.

"And I know you know what she means."

She avoided my gaze, focusing on the ocean view. "You've just got a hell of a customer service face," she said, her voice not really there.

"There's putting on a face to help resolve a situation, and then there's putting on a face for my entire life," I said, my voice coming out more insistent, something in me urgent in a way I didn't recognize. I leaned forwards. "Met with Adam Garcia the other day, he said the same thing. María said so. You said so."

She sighed, hanging her head. "You're the damn best in the business, London, I swear. You can close anyone. Just…"

I shifted closer. "Just?"

"Just… ever think that's a bad sign? If you can close anyone?"

I frowned. She put her hands up.

"Forget it. I'm just talking garbage."

"Tell me. Please."

She downed another long swig of her drink before she leaned back in her chair, gesturing at the air. "Some people aren't the right fit for closing some clients. If you're able to close anyone, you're being everybody all at once. It's like you're just… like you're doing everything right."

"And that's a problem? "

"Yeah, it's a damn problem," she said, her posture changing, eyes flaring, leaning in towards me. "You ever take a stand? You ever stick by something even when the world tells you not to, because you know in your heart it's right? You make all the right decisions, say all the right things, do everything right all the time, you're going to lose your goddamn mind. And you know what else?"

I didn't get a chance to guess. She stood up, leaning over the table towards me.

"It's gonna be damn hard for anyone to love you."

I raised my eyebrows, taking a long sip of my drink before I responded. "If I do everything right, people won't love me, is that it?"

"You can only love someone if you know them—really damn well know them. Otherwise you just like them. If there's no proper you for people to know, then everyone's going to like you, but not a damn soul gets to love you. And that's…" She sagged, her face falling. "That's a damn shame. Because I know plenty of people who would love to love you."

I let out a long, shaky breath, my heart pounding suddenly for no reason. A wind swept in off the ocean, tossing my hair in my face, and I raked my fingernails across my cheek tucking the strands of hair back behind my ear.

"There. Real talk for you." Ruth dropped back into her chair. "Had that one on my chest for ages."

"What… what should I do?"

She snorted. "Well, judging by that lost-puppy look you've got in your eyes, you want Cameron back."

"Yeah. I want…" I shook my head. "I want Miami. And Cameron. And Queen Pearl. I miss all the work we got to do. Together."

Ruth clutched her drink in both hands, pulling it closer to her chest. "I know it sucks Queen Pearl's gone. I miss it, too. Probably going to miss it forever. But there will be other jobs. There will be other cities and other people, too, but that doesn't mean you have to give up all three just because you lost one."

"But—I swear it's like the city doesn't want me here. Who's going to hire me? And what's going to happen to them next?"

"Hell if I know. You've got quite a track record. But I think a track record is just what you make of it."

Right. Heads or tails.

Despite everything, it was fifty-fifty. No matter what the coin thought.

I tipped back my drink, setting it down hard, before I spoke in a low voice. "Thanks, Ruth. I, uh… I've never really let it—let us—I guess you're right. Never really let anyone in, you included. You've been a patient friend."

She shrugged. "No time like the present. Everything's gotta start sometime or other, right?"

"Right. Yeah. I believe it." I looked out over the horizon, waves rolling over the water's surface. "Think I've got a chance with her?"

"She's already been giving you a chance. Hell, if you ask me, everything she said wasn't trying to get rid of you, that was her saying she needs to get to know you better."

Ruth was damn smart, after all. Made sense—she'd always been good at her job, and to be good in sales, you had to know how to read a person.

And I was good at it, too. And I knew Cameron. Knew what she needed.

Figured I'd be a damn fool if I didn't at least try to give it to her.