Chapter 19

I felt like I was going to be sick as I hit the call button, but I had to do it. I sat on the park bench, squinting under the sunlight, watching a picturesque sailboat drift by not far from the quay.

The call clicked, and I heard Miguel's voice wary on the other side. "London. Here to curse me out again?"

I took a long breath. "Why'd you pick up?"

He paused. "The fuck kind of reverse psychology game is this?"

"If you think I'm just going to curse you out, why'd you pick up?"

He was quiet for a second. "Really did a number on you, huh?"

"Adam Garcia told me it's done a number on you, too."

"Santo cielo." He sighed. "Guess I was wondering if you actually had something important to tell me. Or maybe I'm a glutton for punishment."

I'd never really thought to try piecing together what Miguel was thinking, what he was feeling. What went into his decisions. That tone in his voice spoke volumes. Guilt, shame. He'd picked up because he felt like he was obliged to me. And sitting here in that feeling now, it was a strange sensation.

"Listen… I wanted to apologize," I said, my voice low. "You were genuinely trying to look out for me. And I assumed the worst. So… I am sorry."

It felt like letting go of a ton of bricks. On the other side, Miguel hesitated, starting and stopping, before he spoke. "You really are losing it."

"Maybe neither of us were María's precious babies. I think Queen Pearl was her precious baby. Us? We were both pawns in her game for it."

"Now you're criticizing her?"

"She made the right choice. I hate it, but I… mostly just hate it because I know it's the only choice we had." I kicked at the dirt. "Just acknowledging that I was… I guess… holding onto a title that didn't mean anything, trying to be her favorite ."

He sighed. "Dios mio."

"And turned out everything with Adam Garcia didn't even matter. Did you know that when you did it?"

He snorted. "London, if you're trying to get something from me, just say it."

"You do know I'm not the representative for the lesbian community, right?"

"I—chinga tu madre, London, I told you, it's not about her."

"Uh-huh. You sure gave me a lot of pissy looks after that."

"Yeah, okay, I was taking it out on you just because it wasn't the first time. And… madres, I guess it was uncalled for. Not like it was the same."

"Same as what?"

"Writing my biography now?"

I tapped my fingers on the phone. "If it has something to do with you being so pissy with me all the time, I'm curious."

"You didn't even know she was into you?"

I paused, looking at the phone. "Gabriela?"

"Carried the torch for you for months before she finally gave up."

I made a strange sound like a laugh. "You're just making shit up at this point. Or, what, she looked at me so you're assuming she was in love?"

"Told me herself. All this after my ex cheated on me with a girl too not long ago. It was right after she came into the office and chatted to you, too, and I swear she checked you out. Like you're just a bad omen."

I relaxed, sinking against the back of the bench, under the shade of the palm trees swaying. "I didn't make your ex cheat on you. Also, you want to interrogate why you're so bitter over her cheating on you with a woman specifically?"

"You're impossible. Why are you calling me?"

"I'm leaving the city. Guess I just wanted to… clear my debts."

He snorted. "By harassing me? Lovely."

Somehow, none of it was getting under my skin—just words, rolling off of me. Didn't matter how he responded. Heads or tails, made no difference. "You've just been trying to get by, too. So… sorry for being a prick all the time."

He sighed, voice uncomfortable again in a blink. "Where you headed?"

"Don't know yet. Still got the rest of my lease to wait out. Looking for jobs."

"Is that why you're calling me? Looking for a lead?"

"No. What, you have leads outside the city?"

He laughed drily. "As a matter of fact. Gabriela's working in Las Vegas these days. Maybe you can go kindle something with her, if you're not too busy with your rich girlfriend."

I paused. "Was there a rumor going around about me hooking up with Cameron, or something? Ruth came to me saying the same thing."

"Please. It was just obvious looking at you."

I kicked at the grass below me, looking off into infinity. "You know? Maybe I will check in with Gabriela. Never been to Las Vegas before. Bet real estate there is exciting."

"Haven't had enough excitement yet?"

I laughed. "Oh, never. You know me. Well, guess I'll go, then."

"Er—wait." He sighed, hard, and I could hear the shuffling that said he was pacing, the way he always did when he was stressed. "I hate this."

"Yeah, you're not the only one."

"Not the company thing. I'm pretty comfy with Leon. Just… saying this." He sighed. "We were a couple of annoying brats, arguing over something that never mattered. Like you said. María's favorite was only ever Queen Pearl. And I feel like a fucking idiot fighting with you over the idea."

I smiled wryly. "So, we're in agreement."

"For once."

I laughed. "Guess there's a first time for everything. At least we can acknowledge we were both useful idiots at best."

"I was trying to help you."

"Yeah. You were. I was a little bitch about it."

"I'd say." Suddenly, spontaneously, he laughed. "Maybe I was, too."

"No comment."

"Tactful. Madres. I'll tell Gabriela you're looking. Don't I look forward to seeing her get all excited…"

I turned my gaze back to the horizon, looking over to Miami Beach across the water, towers cutting out their skyline against the clear blue sky. "Thanks, Miguel. I owe you one."

∞∞∞

It took until Ruth actually showed up at my front door for me to face her, talk to her. I knew it was her before I opened the door, but I didn't even say anything, just pulled the door open and stepped back to let her in.

"Christ, so you are alive," she said. "Would it have killed you to respond to any of my messages? You about gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry." And genuinely, I was. It had just always felt too… much, too real. "Been existing in a fever dream."

She softened, leaning on the counter, giving me that concerned mom look she was always quick to give. "I'll bet you are. Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I rubbed my forehead. "Miguel got me in contact with Gabriela Vasquez. Might be able to score me a job in Sin City."

She furrowed her brow. "Really? Just like that, up and moving to Vegas to chase down a girl who was in love with you?"

"Did everyone know except me that Gabriela was into me? I didn't even know she was gay until after she'd left."

"You've always been oblivious," she sighed, petting Earl as he hopped up onto the chair next to her. "Perceptive as hell, and completely oblivious at the same time. Weird, that."

I chewed my lip. "I… I'm not going on a whim. This is something I've worked through. Carefully."

"You could find another job here no question. Your work at Queen Pearl—I know you got contacts."

"It's not about that. It's just…" I shrugged hopelessly. "I feel like I've had enough of this city. Or maybe it's that this city has had enough of me."

She put a hand on my shoulder. "Girl. Look at yourself. I've got a question."

I stopped, blinking fast. "What?"

"When was the last time you went to go see a movie?"

"Er…" I tilted my head. "I don't know."

"You can't have had enough of this city. You haven't done shit here. You and I are going out for a movie and some drinks at a big club I've been meaning to visit."

I laughed, a nervous feeling in my stomach. "You're not a little busy for that?"

"I'm still in training at that new job. Jessica doesn't trust me with anything important right now. I've got time."

"Oh—" I perked up. "Oh my god, I've been a shitty friend. You mean you got the job?"

She beamed. "Yep. I already miss Queen Pearl like hell, but… time for a new adventure, you know?"

A new adventure. I liked her mindset. I pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tightly. "You're going to kill it," I said. "Excited to hear how ag-tech goes for you. Riding a tractor around the field."

"Please. I'm C-suite. None of my coworkers have ever touched a tractor. I'm not that exciting."

I laughed, stepping back from the hug, but there was something so deeply aching in my chest all of a sudden—or not suddenly at all. It had been there for a while. Maybe before Queen Pearl even folded. Just… waiting to be activated. "You're in sales still?"

"Contract brokering. So, sort of."

"You're a natural at that stuff. You're going to fit right in."

"Forget that," she said. "Movies."

I paused. "Er… you don't mean tonight."

"I mean tonight. Get your damn shoes on."

"Um—"

"I said get your damn shoes on."

Well, what the hell. There was no sense trying to push back on Ruth when she got something into her head like this.

Besides, maybe I needed that right now.

It was good for me to get out, heading out alongside Ruth and hitting up the theater, seeing some cheesy action flick that was solidly exciting, fun, and satisfyingly forgettable, and we landed at a chic club that wasn't quite as glitzy and extravagant as LIV, but perfect to have a drink and dance hard until I was worn out a bit past midnight.

Once the night had gone on and we were tapering off, Ruth nudged me where we sat at the bar close to the dance floor, gesturing across the room. "Hey, weigh in. The girl over there, with the ponytail and glasses. You think she's gay?"

I didn't even look. "How should I know?"

"C'mon. You have gaydar."

"You can't just tell by looking at someone."

She nudged me again. "This is why you never get with anyone, girl. Where's your drive?"

I forced out a thin smile. "I'm really just fine. Besides, I told you I'm leaving this city."

She sighed, turning back to her drink, pounding the last of it and setting it down hard. "Well, I'll be damned," she said. "So you're actually planning on it."

"If things don't work… hey. I can always come back here."

"Why wouldn't things work? You're a genius. Ugh… Philip just screwed us over."

"Because. Something's always getting screwed over."

"You and your bad luck? That's it? Finally driven you out of town, thinking you might find better luck somewhere else?" She snorted. "What about you and Cameron, anyway?"

I rubbed my forehead. "We weren't dating, Ruth. I don't know where you got this idea into your head."

"I don't care if you were dating or not. Whatever you were doing… you like her, don't you? I'm talking a lot. "

I pursed my lips, staring down at the last little dregs of diluted cocktail among the ice at the bottom of my glass.

"Whatever you were doing to charm her," Ruth said, speaking carefully, "I know you spent some time with her. And you'd just… I don't know. Something in you, something about you. It was like I was really seeing you flourish."

I hung my head. "Please. It's enough."

"Are you really okay just leaving it there?"

"She's married."

"You told me yourself they're separated."

"And even if there was anything there," I said, swirling my glass just to hear the ice clink, "it doesn't mean anything if I can't get by in this city."

She folded her arms on the counter. "You should just admit it if there is something there. It'll feel better getting it off your chest."

I turned around, standing up. "I should get home already. I'm getting tired."

"London." She caught me, her hand on my arm. "You can't just hide from reality forever."

That comment always cut so damn deep. I wasn't hiding from reality. I was facing it— I was the one being realistic. Being sensible. Being practical.

God dammit.