Chapter 46

46

B’Lynn didn’t ask for the details of Robbie’s death. She didn’t want them. Not yet. Not ever, if she was honest. She didn’t want to be sentenced to reliving his murder over and over in her mind for the rest of her life. She didn’t want to be subjected to the endless torment of wondering if he had been aware of what was happening to him. Had he been afraid? Had he felt alone? Had he wanted his mother there with him at the end?

She couldn’t stand thinking about it, not that there would be any avoiding the brutal details once the trials began, but that was in the future. For that night, she wouldn’t think about Marc Mercier and all that he’d stolen from Robbie—his hopes, his dreams, his life. For that night, she would just sit with the knowledge that her son was gone.

For that night she could imagine that Robbie had just slipped away from this life and on to his next, whatever that might mean. She would try to comfort herself with the knowledge that at least after all the bad he had gone through, he had tried to do something good at the end of his life, and she could hope that he was at peace.

She thanked Annie Broussard and her handsome detective lieutenant husband for their kindness and sent them home to their little boy. Five years old and full of promise. They were just starting that journey as B’Lynn’s journey with her son was ending. She wished them nothing but the best.

She closed the door behind them and turned the lock, then went into her sitting room and poured herself a drink from the crystal decanter of bourbon and settled into the corner of the love seat closest to the fire. Her phone sat on the coffee table, blank and silent, waiting for her to make a choice.

Among the recent videos Robbie had made on his phone was a message for her. Annie had emailed a copy to her, for her to view when she felt ready. It was there inside her phone, waiting. All she had to do was open it and she could bring her son back from the dead, see his face and listen to his voice.

Her hands were trembling as she set her drink aside and picked up the phone. She opened her email app, touched on the message from Annie, and stared at the attachment.

What would he say to her?

She thought of every mistake she’d ever made as his mother and everything she’d ever done in an attempt to make up for those mistakes, and she hoped he’d seen the difference and forgiven her sins. She took a shaky breath and touched the screen.

Just like that, there he was, her handsome son, a little too thin, his face lean and drawn with dark eyes older than his soul should have been. Immediately a sheen of tears in her own eyes softened all the harsh lines and world-weariness.

“Hey, Mama,” he said softly, his mouth turning in a sad smile. “If you’re watching this video, then something bad has happened and I’m probably not around anymore. I just wanted this chance to say a few things.

“First, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I know I dragged you down a dark road. I never wanted to go there, either. We both had better plans for me, but you know what people say about making plans and God laughing.

“Anyway, for whatever reason, that was the road I had to take. And I know I’ve thought it before, and thought wrong, but I believe this is the time for me to climb up out of that valley and breathe some fresh air and get a better view from a different path. So I’m trying to do something good and make something right. And even though it’s probably turned out wrong, I hope you’ll be proud of me for trying.

“I want you to know that even when I made bad choices and did bad things and told bad lies, I never stopped wanting you to love me. I never stopped wanting to be your son. And I know that no matter how angry, how disappointed, how hurt you might have been, that you never once stopped being my mom. You never once stopped fighting for me, and I thank you for that. If not for you, I would have been gone a long time ago. So, we made it out the other side, Mama. Know that. And that I apparently won’t be going any further isn’t failure. It’s just what happened.

“I’m not sure what I really believe about where we go when we’re done on this earth, but I once read that we’re all just made up out of stardust and energy, and energy never dies; it just becomes something else. So we never really die, we just go back to the stars. Maybe that’s what heaven is. I like that idea.

“So if I’m gone, go look at the stars and that’s where you’ll find me. That’s where I’ll be, shining down for you.”

He smiled his sad smile, pressed a kiss to his fingertips, and waved. The video ended there, freezing on his goodbye.

B’Lynn sat motionless for a long while, staring at the screen, her fingertips touching his to keep the picture open. Their story was over, her heart broken and drained. No matter how badly she wanted to, she couldn’t write another chapter and make a better ending.

Feeling as old as the world, she pushed to her feet and walked through the house, down the hall and through the kitchen, out the back door into the yard. She raised her phone to her lips and kissed her boy goodbye, then turned her face up to the clear night sky and looked for him in the stars.