22. Lucien

We take public transport back to my flat; I do not wish to call a car, and it turns out we are not as close as I originally thought. I offer to carry Kieran again, and though the look he shoots me at the suggestion is amused, his no is firm.

Besides, there is something fun about this tension building between us. When he catches my eye on the train, I am certain that my heart stops for a moment.

Things change when we walk into the lobby of my building. I have not been back here since that night with Nathan, and the sudden reminder hits me hard in the stomach. Kieran turns sharply towards me, as though he can feel it too.

"You okay?" Nothing but concern reflects in his dark eyes, and I nod, offering a smile up to the attendant, who rises behind his desk. When I rest my hand on Kieran's lower back, steering him over towards the lift, the attendant sits again.

"I am fine," I say once the doors have closed. "I have not… been here for a while."

"Okay," Kieran replies. It is clear that he knows there is more I am not saying, but I do not want what happened to infringe on our night.

Kieran's fingers tangle with my own and all at once, the heat between us returns. I gasp when he leans in and presses his lips to my throat, the touch almost more gentle than I can bear.

"Kieran…"

The lift dings. "Oh, we're here." His grin is unrepentant as he tugs me out into the hall.

I like this side of him. I saw it that first night—the mischief in his gaze even as he goaded Tristan into an attack. He crowds up behind me as I reach the door and fumble my keys out of my pocket, one hand pushing up the T-shirt I'm wearing and stroking over the skin beneath.

I bite back a curse. Kieran laughs when I miss the lock, pressing his face into my hair.

"You can do it," he murmurs and rolls his hips against me.

By some miracle, I get us inside and when the door is shut, I turn, pushing him up against it. His back hits the wood and his already dark eyes are bottomless shadows now, gaze so hungry it makes me shiver.

Our kiss is devastating. I have never been kissed like this, like this touch is necessary for our very survival. Kieran tangles a hand in my hair to keep me in place. I want to tell him I do not plan to go anywhere. Anything he wants, he can have.

We part and Kieran studies my face before a wide grin crosses his own. "Where's the bedroom?"

"Through—" I turn and freeze.

There is nothing that has arrested my attention. We are in the hallway, and the bedroom is down at the end, the door half-open to presumably let air flow through the place.

But I remember—

Blood. Someone has repainted; the fumes still linger faintly in the air.

Kieran touches my hand. "Lucien?"

I suck in air and realise I have not breathed for several seconds. "Sorry. I—"

"We don't have to do this." He tilts his head to one side. "I can go."

"No." That is not what I want. I should have come here earlier. Elle has visited in the meantime, I have no doubt, and my first time back should have been with her and Adam because we had all been here that night…

"I am fine." My voice is steady. "I want you to stay."

"Okay," he says easily. He moves slowly, wrapping himself around me from behind and resting his chin on my shoulder. I sag back against him, soaking up the comfort he offers greedily. What a mess. There is no hesitancy in the way I touch him, and I know whatever we do, I will be okay.

It is just this place.

"You got a shower in here somewhere?" His arms are around my waist and one of his hands strokes over my stomach.

I huff a laugh. "Of course."

"Well, if you don't want me to go…" I hear the smile in his voice, and it makes my lips twitch. "Then I could use a shower. It was dusty as fuck in there. And I probably should let Sam know I'm not planning on heading back tonight."

"You are not?"

He tenses and I put my hand over his in an attempt to soothe him. I want him to stay. I expected he would not.

"If you'll have me. If not, I'll go. It's up to you, okay?"

"I want you to stay." His hand moves and he traps mine under his, stilling my restless fingers. "You are right as well. I should call Vasile and inform him of what we found."

"Is he gonna be mad we went off on our own?"

"Possibly."

"Does it matter tonight?"

I duck my head, hiding my smile even though I know he cannot see my face. "No."

Kieran hums. "Good," he says finally and reaches over to flick on the light.

I do not react as I lead him down the hall. There is a separate bathroom, but there is also an en suite attached to the bedroom, and that is where I want him. Vampires are not wolves, but I want Kieran in my space, want his scent mixing with my own, even if tonight is all we get.

He kicked off his shoes by the front door, and now he leaves his backpack just inside my bedroom, eyeing the bed in a way that makes my throat go dry. I open the door to the en suite. "In here."

Kieran laughs. He flushes faintly, but I do not think he is embarrassed. I get him a towel and when I turn back, he is leaning in the doorway, hip cocked, and his jacket already shrugged off.

I pass him the towel and our fingers brush. I want to kiss him again, but he is right about the calls, and I need the time to get used to this place. "Take your time."

There is some concern on his face, but he does not push the issue. He does pull me in, though, pressing his lips to my jaw. "You can join me in here next time."

He ducks away before I can kiss him properly, and I smile at the laugh I hear when the door shuts. I feel giddy.

Then I look back at the door and the hallway beyond. I square my shoulders. I need to explore my space—be certain it is safe—before we do anything else.

The second bathroom looks the same as it always has, everything just how I left it. I close the door gently behind me and head for the kitchen. I know I am putting it off, but there are fewer bad memories in these rooms.

The kitchen, too, is clean, and when I open the fridge, I see it has been recently stocked. There is no food, but there are bags of blood that should be good for a few weeks. I suspect Elle put them here the night Kieran was brought to the clan. I intended to come back here then, after all.

I square my shoulders before I walk into the living room. The walls are a pale grey, the modern furniture softened by the few artificial plants I own that are placed carefully on different shelves.

The sofa is new. I do not mourn the loss of the old one—I liked it, but I was not particularly attached—but something about the sight of it makes my stomach cramp. There is a new rug, too, in the same Moroccan style of the old. I crouch and run my fingers over it.

When I breathe in, I cannot scent blood. Whoever Elle had clean did a phenomenal job. I stand again and my hands shake. I catch sight of myself in the mirror. My eyes look too wide, all the colour gone from my face.

I grimace and sit stiffly on the new sofa. It has no give. I had been sitting here that night. Nathan had paced, still in his shoes, and I wanted to tell him to take them off, that he was ruining the rug, but—

I ruined it anyway.

I bite back a growl and pull my phone from my pocket. No going back. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be changed.

Besides, I have a beautiful man in my shower, one who I believe I really can trust.

Vasile takes a moment to answer, and when I explain what has happened, he is not pleased. Still, he says he will send some other vampires to watch the station and see if Tristan goes back there tonight. I hope so. Kieran and I both want to catch him—after what he did to Adam, I want to kill him—but I would like it, too, if we did not have to worry about him anymore.

When I am done with Vasile, I send messages to both Elle and Adam, letting them know that I am at the flat and safe. Elle asks if I am all right, and I assure her I am. I am not ashamed of being seen with Kieran, but I do not wish to deal with any judgement right now.

Adam calls. I pinch the bridge of my nose before I answer.

"You're at the flat? I'll come over. I can be there in twenty minutes, I think, if I run—"

"No," I say, and I hear Adam come to a stop. "You do not need to be running anywhere. You almost died last night."

"Yeah, but I didn't. If you're that worried, I'll get a car. You shouldn't be alone there."

I raise my eyes to look at the painting on the wall. That is new, too. I hope they have kept the old one, though I am not sure if I want to look at it again.

"I am not alone."

"I—What?"

"I am not alone here. I know you are worried, and thank you for that, but I am fine."

Adam makes a sound like he cannot find the words he wishes to say. "Who's with you?" he blurts out all at once and I bite the inside of my cheek.

I cannot lie. I do not wish to. "Kieran."

"Oh." We are both silent for a moment. "And you're sure—"

"Yes. I know what I am doing."

"Uh. Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"See you tomorrow."

He hangs up first and I turn my phone over in my hands before I firmly place it on the coffee table. Nothing remains here but ghosts—ghosts of memories that cannot physically hurt me. I am safe.

Resolutely, I go back into the kitchen and pour one of the blood bags into a glass. I am safe, and I will make sure Kieran is too. I will not bite him without his consent, but the way he makes me feel is unlike anything I have experienced before. I do not want to take a risk.

I hear the bathroom door open as I finish the blood, and I rinse my mouth with water before I clean the glass and set it aside. He appears in the bedroom doorway as I make my way down the hall, looking somehow soft with his wet hair and steam-damp skin.

Water trickles down his collarbone and I want to duck my head and lick it up. Kieran smiles at me. "All good?"

"Yes. You?"

He snorts softly. "I'm sure I'll get an earful tomorrow about how unsurprised Sam is, but yeah, he's fine."

"Good," I say, and I kiss him. He flings his arms around my neck, and I pull him in close, swallowing his groan when we press together.

I pull back, sucking on his lower lip. We are both breathing hard, and Kieran turns his attention to my jaw, kissing down it and, when I tilt my head back, my throat. He licks down my jugular and I cannot help my gasp.

I want more. I want to taste him, and when I lift him like I did earlier in the night, he lets out a startled laugh and holds on. I tip him back onto the bed and he shrugs off the towel he has wrapped around his waist.

There is nothing shy about him as I stand there and take him in. Kieran smirks up at me, pushing up onto his elbows, and I trace the strong lines of his biceps, his chest. His flat stomach quivers when I place my hand on it, and my mouth waters at the sharp cut of his hips. There are scars, too, a map of stories I hope one day to learn, but they are not my focus right now.

He moves one leg to hook around my thigh, pulling me closer. I groan. He is already hard, and when he sees me looking, his smirk widens into a grin.

The grin vanishes, astonishment replacing it when I drop to my knees. His cock visibly jerks, and he sits up properly, spreading his legs wider. I run a hand up his thigh, feeling his hair against my palm, and give him a questioning look.

"Fuck yeah," Kieran says breathlessly. "Whatever you want."

Whatever I want? I already feel as though I will never have enough. I take hold of the base of his cock and duck my head to breathe him in. He twitches when I kiss the inside of his thigh, and I dart my tongue out for a taste, groaning at the feel of his pulse beneath my mouth.

I will not bite him, but for a moment, I wonder what he might taste like if I did.

I shift on my knees, turning my full attention to his cock. It is red and thick, already wet at the head as though he is as desperate for me as I am for him. I clench at the thought of having him inside me. That is what I want, though I will see this through first.

Kieran groans when I suck on the head of his cock, giving him a teasing stroke. He tastes like salt, like skin, and I inhale the scent of him, mixed with my own—the body wash left in the shower. I want more. I take him deeper and moan, the heavy weight of him pressing on my tongue.

His hand moves into my hair. He does not use his grip to press me down further; he pushes the strands back from my face, and when I glance up at him, more pre-cum spills into my mouth.

"You look so fucking hot like that," he murmurs. His thumb strokes my temple. "Feel like I'm gonna go off already."

The flush on his cheeks extends down his neck, to his chest, the hair there hiding it. I hum and take him deeper, glad for my lack of gag reflex when he bumps the back of my throat. Kieran tosses his head back and moans.

"Lucien!"

I want him to sound like that again. I want to make him sound like that again. I swallow around him and pull off, licking over the head of his cock as I stroke him. Kieran's hand moves and he grabs the back of my head, dragging me up for a kiss.

He moans when our mouths meet. His hips jerk into my grip, and I tear my mouth away to swallow him down again, smiling when he swears and struggles to keep himself still.

"Lucien, fuck… I'm gonna—"

I know he is. I reach down with my free hand, rolling his balls in my grip, and he chokes out another curse, his hands firmly on the bed. His back arches, head tossing back. I close my eyes and suck hard, and he comes with an aborted cry, spilling into my mouth and down my throat.

I swallow it all, licking up the length of him until he shivers and twitches his hips away. He takes my face in his faintly trembling hands and tugs me up so we can kiss again.

We are connected on some level I cannot explain. I can feel it in what we have just done, in the way—I am certain—we are both so vulnerable with one another. He kisses the corner of my mouth and my cheek, then leans forward to press his forehead against my shoulder.

"Fuck, Lucien," he mutters. "Give me a minute and I'll do you."

I snort a laugh, letting my hands roam over his bare back. I am thinking about what I will do next. I want to explore every inch of him. With my hands first, then my mouth—

"I want you to fuck me," I say, and Kieran lifts his head, his eyes wide.

He kisses me again, a little harder. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, we can do that."

I rock back on my heels before I peel off my T-shirt. I have not even removed my clothes yet, and Kieran lies there, naked and already thoroughly debauched. His eyes go dark when my chest is revealed.

"I should have waited, then," I say. "I want you now."

Kieran grins. This one is different to the others he has given me so far—even tonight. It is filthy and tinged with knowledge I do not have but may yet be allowed to learn.

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that," he says, his eyes doing a slow perusal of me again. "Come here, gorgeous. I'll be ready for you in no time."