21. Chapter 21

My Sweet Posie,

I know you probably hate me, but I miss hearing from you. I wish you'd write to me again. Even as I sit here knowing it isn't fair to ask it of you.

I told you before that there were things I realized, too late, that I took for granted. Your letters, having that small piece of you to look forward to, was one of those things. It wasn't until you stopped writing that I realized just how much of a presence you were in my life. Every day, I would wait to check my mail, and then my email, until I could settle in at home to read whatever you'd written.

Those letters were my selfish time. The time where I got to spend a few minutes basking in the light that is you. I miss them, Posie. I miss you. I miss your light. It's fucking dark here right now and all I can think is that I will always be missing your light from my life because I screwed everything up. It's not fair to ask it of you, but I wish I could hear from you again. I wish my heartache hadn't caused this rift in what we used to share.

I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm sure I'd be just as quiet as you if you had been the one to tell me that you were having someone else's baby. Look what I did when you told me about giving your firsts away to some other man. I annihilated our chances of ever having anything more than these letters.

I still can't believe it's real. I can't believe I'm only weeks away from being a father now. I'm scared to death to meet him. Worried I'll fail my son. If you want my honesty, though… The worst thing out of all this is your silence. It feels like you died. I know you haven't because the family still mentions you, but to me, it feels like you died and I'm Pops sitting in a rocking chair talking to the love of my life who is no longer here.

Yours Always,

Max