15. Chapter 15

"Are you sure about this?"

I stopped stuffing my shirt in my bag and turned to look at Evan. It wasn't his question that pulled me up short so much as the tone in his voice. He was worried.

"Of course, I'm sure. It will be an adventure. I've never really had the time to get away from our town, and now that we're making pretty good money, I don't have to feel guilty about spending money on myself for once."

"It's not that. I mean, are you sure you want to waste your first trip away on my brother?"

"I…" My mouth moved like the words were going to come out any minute, but Evan left me speechless. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Come on, Posie. We all know you've had a crush on him since high school. I love you. You're my best friend, my sister for all intents and purposes, but he's my brother."

"And?" My one-word question came out sounding a bit indignant, I'd admit, but it felt a little like Evan was choosing and it wasn't mine.

"And I know Max. If he was interested in you like that, he would have been here, in person, to come hang out with you. My brother doesn't just sit and wait on something or someone he wants. He dives in headfirst, more often than not without thinking of the consequences. He hasn't even come home once. Not for us and," he grew quieter, as if to soften the blow, "not for you."

I yanked out the letter that I planned to take with me to justify my actions and then thrust it at my best friend. "Read it."

I watched as Evan read through the letter and saw when his expression turned a bit stunned. "Okay, I wasn't expecting that, but this doesn't mean…"

"I know it doesn't mean he's suddenly fallen in love with me or something, Evan. I'm not an idiot. I also don't want to be a coward my whole life. You literally just told me all about how Max would behave if he liked me ‘like that', but I'd hate to hear what your opinion of me is. If he"s the type that acts first, dives in headfirst, takes chances, goes after what he wants… Then what does that make me? A fucking coward for sitting back for years. It's been seven years since I first watched him kissing Cheyenne in that barn."

I pointed toward the barn that had been turned into our studio, thanks to Pops. I'd probably live in it instead of keeping a room in Pops' house if it wasn't for the fact that it was shared workspace between Evan and me.

"I watched him kiss that girl, who never deserved him, and I hated it then. When that bitch who was stealing his mail lived with him, it physically hurt me to find that out and still, I did nothing but give your brother my email address. I wanted the cute boy to notice me in high school. That was the end of my expectations back then. I just wanted him to see me, to know I was a person worth noticing." I swiped at an angry tear that slid down my face.

"Over the years, we've established a friendship. He knows who I am in here now," I said as I tapped my chest over my heart. "He knows the inside me. He wonders what it would be like to do things with the outside me, too. He admitting to having the same daydreams I do. Even if nothing more comes from this than realizing we're just friends on paper, it's something I have to do, Evan. I can't spend the rest of my life living in limbo and regretting the fact that I was too scared to take a chance."

"Can I at least go with you? It's a long drive and he doesn't know to expect you. Anything could happen."

"No, but I'll keep you updated every single time I stop and when I get there. I promise."

"Fine. Please, be careful, and if I don't hear from you at least every two hours of the trip, I will call him and tell him you're on the way."

"Please, don't do that. I really want to surprise him. It's important to me."

"Fine. For the record, I don't think surprising him is the way to go."

"Why? Is there something I should know? If he has a girlfriend, he would have told me, right? You would tell me before I go make a fool of myself."

"He doesn't," Evan admitted and that was all I needed to hear. It was time. Truthfully, it was years past time for me to finally get the nerve to do this. Max's last letter had bolstered my confidence. If he pictured me there, hanging out with him, then it was a sign that I meant enough to him that he should at least be happy his friend showed up out of the blue. I wasn't na?ve enough to think it might mean that he wanted me as anything more, but I had to know for sure.

It took a little over six hours of driving, having to stop to pee – more often than should have been necessary because of nerves – and grabbing a bite to eat. Not that I had been able to choke down much of my lunch, but I needed the sustenance to keep me going. It was later than I anticipated when I finally arrived. Max's truck was in his driveway, so I parked along the street just before his drive. My nerves screamed at me to turn around and leave before he noticed my stalker ass sitting out here, but I pushed through the self-doubt, got out of my car, and walked my overly excited butt up to his door and knocked.

I waited.

I knocked again, a little louder that time.

Nothing.

Nervously, my eyes shifted back to his truck that was in the driveway and then to the door again before I hung my head and decided to go call Evan from my car. I got inside, pulled my phone out, and was stopped by the rumbling of a loud pickup truck coming down the road. It slowed as it passed me and stopped on the opposite side of the driveway just in front of Max's mailbox. Max hopped out of the passenger side and said something to the driver just as the passenger side back door slid open.

A beautiful brunette woman hopped out and giggled as she nearly lost her footing. Max quickly moved over to steady the woman on her feet.

"My hero," she cooed at him. My eyes couldn't have rolled harder in my head if I'd tried. "I had so much fun tonight, Max. You were the best date."

Date? My gut bubbled with anxiety at the thought I was sitting there like a creeper, only feet away, watching as once again Max had another perfect, perky, confident woman in his arms. How the hell was it possible to live out my teenage heartbreak all over again? It was like the universe had to remind me of my place at every step of the way. I was still just as invisible as ever.

The woman wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself up onto her tiptoes so she could attack his mouth with her lips. In Max's defense, he seemed completely caught off guard by her aggressive kiss. Then again, that might have just been my jealousy clouding my perspective. Still, I'd seen Max kiss a girl who he wanted before, and he certainly put forth more of an effort back then.

Maybe he was losing his touch in his old age. I chuckled to myself over how he would react to me saying that. Then, I reminded myself that those conversations only took place via letters and emails, so I would never get his true reaction anyway.

Max gently moved the girl away from him using the hands he still had wrapped around her hips. Even though it wasn't healthy for me to do so, I wondered what it would be like to have them on me like that. I bet it would feel wonderful, like he was taking ownership of my body for the time being and I would have let him. The woman he was with would have too. The disappointed pout on her face as Max stepped back and bumped into his mailbox was testament enough that she did not like the fact that he was no longer touching her.

"I thought we had a good time tonight?" The woman questioned.

"We all had a great time hanging out."

"We all?" She asked with an elevated pitch to her voice that spoke of her annoyance to be lumped in as a group.

"Yeah." Max circled his fingers to indicate them and the other people still in the truck who had to be watching this take place. "All of us who went out together."

Max took a step to the side, which put him directly in the circle of light being cast by the light post. His jaw was darkened in with a heavy five o'clock shadow and his hair, while still short was starting to curl a bit at the ends near his collar. It seemed a bit messy on top, as if he, or someone else, had been running their fingers through it.

His hair was only the first thing that struck me. The rest followed quickly behind as I got my first look at him since the last time I'd seen him seven years ago. Max was no longer the boy I remembered. He was a solid man with broad shoulders that tapered down to a trim waist and strong legs that strained the thighs of his denim pants just enough to be enticing, but not enough that it looked uncomfortable for him.

His feet were tucked into cowboy boots that made me smile as I remembered that he wore a similar pair to the prom all those years ago. He might have grown into a man's body, but there were still parts of the boy I'd once crushed on there too. I watched as he took a bigger step to the left, presumably to move away from the mailbox that had been digging into his backside. The woman's pout grew more dramatic.

"Come on, Tasha, we need to drop you off too." Another woman, one with red hair and a very short skirt had jumped out of the truck and made her way around to the passenger seat that Max had vacated. "Jake and I have plans for the rest of the night, sweetie. Unless Max is going to take you into his house and ravish you like you deserve, we have to go."

Well, that woman wasn't pulling any punches as she attempted to be a very blunt wing-woman for her friend.

"Sorry, ladies. Having company over tonight was not on the agenda."

"I don't mind if your house a little messy."

"What I meant to say was that I didn't realize this was supposed to be some kind of…" he flapped a hand between them and took another step back. "I had fun, but it's been a hell of a couple weeks at work and I just want to catch some sleep."

"Well, that's no fun. I can work the stress out of you, so you sleep better." Tasha refused to give up.

"Maybe another time," Max muttered before he turned and started to walk to his house.

"Get in the truck, Tash. He's not interested and you're embarrassing yourself at this point." I noticed Max's shoulders go up when he heard the friend berating the girl. I wondered what about that bothered him. Was I the way the woman's friend called her out, the loss of a potential ‘other time', or did he wish he could sink into the ground and pretend the day hadn't happened?

Personally, I wished I could sink into my upholstery because his buddy, Jake, had taken notice of me a couple times from his rearview mirror. I wanted them to leave and Max to go inside, so I could take off and pretend I never drove here.

Unfortunately for me, I had the worst luck in the world because my cell phone rang with another worried call from Evan. Since my windows were cracked and my volume was turned to deafening levels, so I'd be able to hear it over my radio on the ride, everyone else heard too. Several heads turned my way, including Max's.

The minute he took a step in my direction, I put my car in drive and took off. Luckily, the woman who had been throwing herself at Max still hadn't gotten in her truck, so Max's friend couldn't follow me. When I got far enough away, I snatched my phone up with shaky hands.

"Call Evan."

After two rings, he answered. "I tried calling you."

"I know, and then I had to get the hell out of there because I looked like a creepy fucking stalker. Thanks a lot, you jackass."

"What the fuck, Posie?"

"Oh my God! I'm so mortified, Ev."

"Okay, calm down and tell me exactly what happened."

By the time I was done explaining, in great detail, everything that had just transpired, I couldn't get a word in edgewise about how I felt because Evan's hysterical laughter drowned out anything I could have said.

"Dammit, Evan!" I yelled into the phone.

"Sorry, Posie, but that's some funny shit." He wheezed as he pulled himself together again. "You have to go back and explain."

"What? No, I don't. I'm not doing that."

"What happened to not wanting to be a coward?"

"One – he's obviously dating people, so he isn't thinking about me like that. No matter how much I deluded myself into believing otherwise."

"Posie," Evan tried to placate me.

"No!" I shouted into the phone. "And two, I literally just sat there at the end of his driveway watching a woman kiss on him and throw herself at him for a good fifteen minutes without announcing my presence, Ev. I wasn't trying to be creepy. I just wanted to wait them out until they went away. Then, I was going to let Max know I was there – even though my whole reason for showing was kind of thwarted already. But then you called and drew attention to me. EVERYONE'S ATTENTION! Now, I just look like a psycho stalker."

I groaned loudly into my car and then pulled into a gas station to park for a minute because my hands were still shaking, and my heart was racing like there was a prize if it could beat so hard that I passed out.

"Posie, I'm sure Max will understand once you explain."

"Please, don't tell him I ever came here. Please, Evan. I'm begging you to keep this one secret for me because I can't take the humiliation."

"Seriously, he'll understand."

"You don't understand. The first time your brother ever noticed me was when I was sitting in a corner watching him make out with another girl."

"Yikes. Deja vu, huh?"

"Exactly. He's going to think I make it a habit, especially since he knows exactly how nutso my mom was."

Evan sighed deeply. "Posie, I really think you should just tell him. Remember that whole speech you gave me about not wanting to be a coward?"

"Yeah, I do. I'd rather be a coward than a weird kiss-watching stalker!"

"I knew it was a bad idea for you to go." He huffed and then relented. "Fine. I'll keep your secret for you. Are you going to find a place for the night? You shouldn't drive straight back, that's too much driving in one day."

"Yeah, I already had a hotel room reserved."

"Damn, you went there with no expectations for my brother, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't think he'd invite you to stay with him if you showed up?"

"Considering how everything just played out, I think it was a wise choice. Besides, I would never expect someone to put me up for the night after showing up out of the blue."

"One of these days, you're going to learn that people love you and want you to be around."

"Well, I kind of know that about you and Jack and even your parents. Max is a wild card though."

"I don't think he's as much of a wild card as you seem to think he is."

"Did you not listen to everything that went down tonight?"

"I did. Sounds like he went out with a group and came home with a clinger trying to make it into something it wasn't and you were unfortunately there to witness it."

It was my turn to sigh. Somewhere, deep down inside, I knew his assessment was probably correct. That didn't stop me from being absolutely mortified that I was almost caught skulking around outside of Max's house, waiting for him to come back home, and then watching him kiss another woman.

Maybe it was the trauma of learning what my mother had done to my big brother, how she'd run off the woman my father had been in love with, or how she left me by killing herself. Our whole town knew my mother was batshit crazy, and I couldn't help but think that was the reason everyone treated me like I was the invisible child for so long that it became habit. It felt like they were all waiting for my crazy bomb to go off too. No one bothered to think that I might favor the men in my life instead. My father who kept me tucked to his side until the day he died, so that Mom couldn't harm me and Jack who took me in and made sure I was loved. They were the examples I wanted to emulate. For some reason, when it came to Max, I always came off looking more like my mom, though.

Thankfully, Max never asked me about that day. Maybe he thought it was someone else watching him. Part of me felt bad about it because I didn't want him to think he had a stalker watching him or something. Considering the job he did, there were probably no good scenarios where someone would be parked up outside of his house watching him carry on with someone. Still, I couldn't bring myself to ever confess that it had been me and he never posed it as a question to me, so I didn't think he ever knew.

One thing I was certain of was that I needed to stop living solely for the hope that something would ever happen between Maxwell Carter and me. It was pretty fair to say that he just wasn't that interested in me and I refused to come off as crazy as my mom.