40. Jo

Playlist: The Architect | Kacey Musgraves

“Agh!” I yelp, shocked awake by cold liquid on my face.

“Get out,” Nic says from the doorway. My vision is still blurry, so she’s just a short, menacing figure in the doorway with a spray bottle dangling from her index finger.

“You told me I could stay!” I screech, throwing a pillow at her and missing by three feet.

She sprays me again. “I told you you could stay whenever you needed. You don’t need it anymore. Now you’re avoiding. Call your therapist, and go get your girl.”

I scowl at her. “I will , Nicoletta. Why must I do so without a full night’s rest?”

“It’s one P.M., bud.”

I do a double take. “No it is not .”

She lifts the spray bottle again and I duck under the covers. “Josh and I went climbing, grabbed bagels, and cleaned the entirety of the first floor while belting out the Mamma Mia soundtrack, which you somehow slept through. Now we’re watering his plants and maybe I want my partner to bend me over our bed. So get the fuck out.”

“Gross.”

“What? It’s Saturday, and you have to go kiss that pretty girlfriend of yours.”

“We didn’t put a label on it,” I mumble, still cowering beneath the blankets. “We never got to talk about it.”

“Too busy talking with your bodies,” she says sagely.

“What if she decides she doesn’t want me?” I surprise myself by saying my fear out loud.

“Jo.” Nic’s feet pitter-patter on the floor as she walks across the room, the mattress sinking down when she sits on the edge. “She wants you.”

“She did. Or maybe she still does, in the present. But what if one day, she decides it’s too much…the depression, the diabetes…what if she decides I’m not worth it and leaves?”

“What if she decides you are worth it and stays?” Nic’s voice is so soft, I can’t help but peer out from beneath the comforter to make sure it’s really her.

“I think when someone loves you, they don’t see the things you perceive as flaws the same way as you. You aren’t your lows. Not your low moods, or low blood sugar. You’re you, and I think she knows that sometimes your blood sugar might be wonky or you might be depressed. But that doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving. I know that’s not how it’s been for you, but not everyone will be like Kelsey. The right person will be different. The right person will be patient, and kind, and see and love the real you when you can’t.”

“Josephine,” Josh says out of nowhere.

Nic and I both jump because this man is six foot something and somehow was able to sneak up on us.

“I know you hated me when I went radio silent on Nic when my grandma was sick.” He sits next to Nic on the mattress, taking her free hand in his. “You remind me of myself, you know.”

I gasp in horror. “You take that back!”

He doesn’t. “I ran, too. I tried to push Nic away and for some reason, your menace of a sister didn’t budge.”

She beams up at him, and I fight the urge to gag. “Because I knew you were worth staying for.”

His returning smile is crooked. “Yeah, but I didn’t think that.”

I groan. “Okay, okay, I get it. That’s enough life lessons from you two. I’ll leave.”

“Jo.” Josh’s tone is suddenly serious. “The hardest part of being loved is accepting you deserve it when you feel like you don’t. But it’s worth it. Letting Nic love me is the most difficult, best decision I’ve ever made.”

I swallow hard as he presses his lips to Nic’s temple. Could it be that straightforward? Choosing to allow myself to receive the love Hunter wants to give me?

“How did you know you weren’t going to hurt her again?” I ask.

“I didn’t. I don’t. I go to therapy every week to process my trauma. She’s there after and supports me while I learn to prioritize my mental health for the first time. Because I’m responsible for that, and she deserves a me who is able to receive her love.”

She deserves a me who is able to receive her love.

He’s right. My sister deserves that, and so does Hunter. So does Josh, and so do I.

Suddenly, I know what I need to do.

“I have to go,” I say, tossing off the blankets.

“Hell yeah, you do!” Nic cheers, pumping her fists in the air. “Go get your girl!”

I leap out of bed, more energized than I’ve felt…ever. Hunter’s home. At our home with our bearded dragon listening to our records and trusting that I’ll come back to her today.

“I love you. Both of you,” I say, voice thick.

They both beam at me. “We love you,” Josh says. “I’m not even scared of you anymore.”

I raise a brow.

“Okay, I’m still scared of you, but only like, a little,” he amends.

“Good.” I playfully punch his shoulder.

I get dressed as fast as I can and make a run for the nearest subway station to catch a train to midtown.I want to be ready to receive Hunter’s love, because her love is precious and deserves to be fully received. To do that, I have to treat myself like I’m someone who deserves her love, who deserves all she’s hoped for.

Which is why, instead of unlocking my apartment door, I’m swiping my badge and striding into Coffey & Co, where I know Becky will be in her office, just like she is every Saturday afternoon.

I’ll make the changes I need to be ready to receive Hunter’s love.