29. Jo

Playlist: Outlaw For Your Love | Mon Rovla

Walking into our hotel room, I’m greeted by Hunter on the bed. She’s laying on her belly, feet in the air and ankles crossed, a wide smile directed to her phone.

“No, I love you , baby girl,” she coos, not looking up from the screen, and I know she’s talking to Dolly over FaceTime.

If this frigid heart of mine was capable of falling in love again, it would have just done so.

“Hey,” I whisper softly.

She looks at me over her phone, eyes widening when she sees what’s in my arms.

I think she’s going to ask about it, but instead asks if I want to say hi to Dolly while turning the phone towards me. Josh holds Dolly up to the camera, and she’s wearing the little crocheted hat I made her.

“Oh my god, hi Dolly!” I squeal. “You look so pretty in your hat!”

Nic grabs the phone from Josh and squints into the camera. “Are you fucking high?”

I scowl. “You’re such an asshole.”

“I’m sorry, you’re cooing over Hunter’s pet in a pitch I didn’t know you were capable of reaching,” my sister argues. “How is that my fault?”

I roll my eyes. “I’m hanging up now. Bye.”

I hang up the phone before anyone can say anything and look at Hunter, who’s sitting on her ankles in the center of the bed, a shit-eating grin plastered on her face.

“Don’t say it.”

“You like Dolly! No, you love her!” she squeals, bouncing and clapping her hands. “I knew you would.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Let me have this!”

“Hey, I’m sorry for leaving,” I say abruptly.

Hunter frowns and tilts her head. “It’s okay. I saw your text and knew you needed space. You communicated that, and I trust you.”

A strange feeling grows in my gut. She trusts me not to hurt her. To keep my word. It’s a strange thing, to be trusted. To know that someone is choosing to give you parts of themself you can harm.

Hunter’s choosing to allow me to hurt her, and trusts that I won’t, and it makes me feel so many different things.

“Thank you,” I say, lowering myself to sit on the edge of the mattress. “I appreciate your understanding.”

“You deserve it. Understanding, I mean. How are you feeling?”

“So much better than last night.” I inhale shakily. “Thanks for staying.”

Hunter tilts her head. “Where was I going to go?” Her voice is genuinely curious, like leaving wasn’t an option she’d considered.

What if she stayed because she wanted to? What if she bought jars of honey because she wanted to be able to help in a situation like this?

I swallow roughly, and am suddenly fascinated by my cuticles. “So my CGM app has a share feature—”

Hunter grabs her phone from where I put it on the bed. “What do I need to do? What’s the app called?”

“Do you want to know more about what it entails?” I’ve never shared my CGM data with anyone before. Not Kelsey, not even Nic. I never told Nic it was an option, though I know if she’d known, she would have wanted to share.

Sharing this part of my disease is vulnerable. It means someone is being alerted to my lows and highs, that there’s no way for me to just pretend everything’s okay. And that’s kind of what I do, pretend everything’s okay. I don’t know if I want to do that with Hunter. I don’t know if I can do that with her. She sees through the walls I put up and sees who I am at my core. The hurting, scared person, but she chooses to stay with that person, anyway. She waits when I need space, and listens to what I need, in so many ways.

It feels like diabetes has stolen so much of my time, so much of my life. And it’s made me want to hide it as much as possible, to keep it away from as many parts of my life as I can.

But I don’t want to do that, not with her. I want to be as open and honest and generous as she is, even with the parts of me I want to hide.

She downloads the app and we set up the notifications. I thought it’d feel wrong, the first time I did this. Like I was giving away the last part of myself I could keep for myself.

Instead, it feels freeing, like this part of me was never meant to be kept to myself. Hunter tries out different alert noises and asks all the right questions, like she’s excited to support me.

“Thank you for showing me this.” She reaches over and gently squeezes my hand.

“No, thank you,” I say earnestly, squeezing her hand back. “I’ve never felt safe enough to use this feature before. You’re a safe landing, Hun. I don’t really know how to thank you.”

“Well,” she says slowly, peering curiously at the items I’d placed on the dresser. “You can start by showing me what that delicious smelling bag is over there.”

“Oh, I ran to Queenie’s and the farmer’s market at the seawall.” I jump up to get her the paper bag full of greasy diner food. “I hope sweet potato fries take away well.”

A soft, slow smile spreads across her face as she peers into the bag. “Sweet potato fries? And is that a strawberry milkshake?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Giovanna.” Her voice is quiet as she pulls the food out from the bag, almost as if she’s in awe. “This is wonderful. Thank you.”

“I got you some flowers, too. They reminded me of you.” I hand her the bouquet wrapped in brown paper. She immediately brings them to her nose, inhaling the sweet scent.

“Peonies are my favorite,” she says softly.

“I didn’t know that. I just thought that they were pretty and pink and open. They reminded me of you.”

“Do you know why they’re my favorite?” she asks, looking up at me through her lashes.

“Because they’re pretty and pink and open?”

“Because they remind me of you. You smell like peonies. You always have.”

I swallow thickly. “I’ve used the same body wash since middle school.”

“Never change it. Ever.” She brandishes the bouquet at me like a weapon. “Or else.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Thank you for thinking of me. No one’s ever given me flowers before.”

“I’ve never given someone flowers before,” I admit, cheeks heating.

“Not even Kelsey?” She opens the box holding the sweet potato fries, and I sigh in relief when steam rises from them.

“Not even Kelsey. She told me on our first date she thought flowers were tacky and a waste of money, so I never bought them for her.”

“Never to anyone before Kelsey either?” she asks around a mouthful of sweet potato fry.

“No. It never felt serious enough.”

She inhales shakily as our eyes meet. “Yeah? And this does?”

I take her hand, and intertwine our fingers together. “I’m not sure. But I know it feels different. I want to keep dancing with you, kissing you, making you come, and be held by you during my lows and I don’t know what that means. But I like it. I like you , Hun. Maybe we could make this a little less fake.”

Hunter’s returning smile is radiant. “Really? You want me?”

I slowly nod my head. “Is that okay? I can’t promise you tomorrow, but today, I want to be yours.”

She nods solemnly in return. “ Dale .”

“Pardon?”

“Do you know how close you were to quoting a Pitbull lyric? What did you expect me to say in response to that?”

“Right, of course.” I tease.

“But yes. Today is perfect. And tomorrow we’ll re-evaluate.” She rubs her thumb over the back of my hand. “Every day is a gift with you, Giovanna. I won’t take it for granted.”

“Hun.” My voice is husky. I’ve never felt this pure acceptance before. Just the total, complete embracing of who I am and what I need, what I’m ready for.

She reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear before cupping my cheek. “You mean a lot to me. Always have. That summer was fast and hard and frantic and I loved every moment. But I’m so okay with going slow with you. Savoring each moment we get and taking it day by day.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

She rises to her knees and presses her mouth to mine, snaking her arms around my neck. I wrap mine around her waist and pull her tighter into my body. No matter how close we are, it’s never close enough. I never can get quite enough of her.

There’s a knock on our door and I reluctantly pull away. Hunter sways as I step away from her, like I was the one keeping her steady.

“Don’t go,” she whines sweetly, pulling at my hand. “Stay here. Kiss me more.”

“Jo?” Kelsey’s voice wafts through the closed door. “Are you in there?”

“Say no!” Hunter hisses.

“Be right there!” I call, and Hunter groans, releasing my hand and falling back on the pillows dramatically. “I take back everything I said earlier.”

“No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” she concurs.

I open the door and face Kelsey head on. “Hey, what’s up?” I ask casually. While I obviously don’t enjoy speaking with my ex-fiance, I don’t feel the looming dread I have been for months. All she is to me is a client.

It’s freeing.

“Can I talk to you?” she asks, looking over my shoulder.

I lean against the doorframe and cross my arms. “Sure.”

“Alone?”

“We are alone.”

“Hunter isn’t in there?” she asks.

“She’s enjoying her sweet potato fries and strawberry milkshake.”

“Hell yeah, I am,” Hunter calls from inside the room.

Kelsey’s teeth clench. “I really need to speak with you alone.”

“Is this a work matter?”

“Of course.”

I sigh reluctantly and let the door shut behind me with a click .

We walk down the hallway, and once we reach the balcony facing the sound, Kelsey spins around to face me.

“I know you’re only pretending to date Hunter to make me jealous.”

I blink at her, stunned. “That…is not a work matter.”

“Yes it is. Becky’s upset because she thinks I’m more focused on you two than us. So tell me the truth, Jo. Why did you want to make me jealous?” She folds her arms over her chest, an expectant expression on her face.

“I have never wanted to make you jealous.” It’s true. I never pretended to date Hunter to make her jealous. I pretended to date Hunter to prove to Kelsey I was over her. I wanted the complete opposite of what she’s claiming I did.

“Jo. Come on. ” She takes a step towards me, and suddenly I feel stifled, trapped. “It’s me. I understand that what we had was great, but I’m with Becky now.”

“Our ‘fling’ was great?” I say before I can stop myself.

Kelsey raises a brow. “Did that upset you? Me referring to us as a fling? Is that why you’re doing this?”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter, Kelsey. I’m with Hunter, you’re with Becky, and we’re both happy.”

“What if I told you it worked?” she asks.

“I don’t…”

“What if I told you it worked. You made me jealous. You have my attention. What would you say then?”

“I’d say you left. You left me and I moved the hell on. I’m not trying to make you jealous, I’m simply existing in my current relationship, and if that’s making you jealous…that’s not my fault.”

“Jo, it doesn’t have to be like this,” Kelsey says quietly, and for a moment, I almost feel bad for her. “We had good times, you and I.”

“You’re right.” I say. “It doesn’t have to be like this. Leave me the hell alone and let me do my job without trying to prove Hunter and I aren’t dating. It’s your bachelorette weekend, and this is how you want to spend it?”

Kelsey glares at me, and it’s suddenly like she’s a different person, eyes dark and angry. “Leaving you is the best decision I ever made,” she spits. “I know you’re faking because no one in their right mind would enter into a relationship with you.”

I reel back, shocked by her unexpected cruelty.

It hurts to be spoken to like that, but more than anything I feel bad for her. All she’s doing is showing me that she’s wearing a mask, that I’m still living in her brain the way she’d lived in mine for so long.

“You should go,” I say, eyes trained on the ground.

She scoffs, but I watch as she spins on her heel and walks away.

I exhale shakily when she’s out of sight. Just two more days and the wedding weekend, and then I’ll be able to get away from her forever. Be able to open my own firm and make a difference.

“Hey, baby,” I look up to see Hunter walking towards me, the milkshake and fries in hand. “I saw Kelsey walking away while I grabbed ice, so I wanted to check— oof .”

I don’t let Hunter finish speaking, instead pulling her into a squeezing hug and holding her against me. I’m overwhelmed by her, by the fact that she exists and that she somehow found her way into my life not once, but twice.

“You two seem happy.” I look over Hunter’s shoulder and see Becky smiling at us.

I look at Hunter as she looks at me. She already looks like sunshine personified, but when our eyes meet, her smile brightens even more, somehow. She’s a walking contradiction, an impossibility, and she’s mine.

“We are,” I finally answer, letting go of Hunter and slipping my hand in hers.

“Anything we can do for you, darlin’?” Hunter asks.

“Yeah. Have you seen Kelsey? She was gone when I woke up, and none of the bridesmaids have seen her.”

Hunter and I exchange a knowing look out of the corner of our eyes. Do I lie? Say I haven’t seen her since karaoke? Do I bend the truth and say we talked this morning, but not tell her why? Do I—

“Yeah she was talking to Jo around ten minutes ago.”

God, I love Hunter and her impulsive self.

Becky stares at Hunter before turning her gaze to me. “Really?” she says, voice cool. “That’s interesting.”

I feel the need to defend myself, to assure Becky that nothing happened between Kelsey and I. But Becky doesn't need my reassurance.

“I’m sorry. I’m not upset with you,” Becky sighs, running her fingers through her dirty blonde hair. “Things are just…weird right now.”

I nod awkwardly. For a moment, I feel bad for Becky. I know what it’s like to see Kelsey’s attention on someone else when you thought you were her one and only.

“Hey, I grew up around here, and there’s nothing like a walk along the sea wall when life feels overwhelming,” I tell her. “You still have an hour and a half until brunch begins.”

She smiles wryly. “I might have to see for myself.”

“It’s crucial you turn your phone off, too, and let your coordinator deal with the hard things.”

She pulls her phone out of her waistband and turns it off before looking at me. “I know I don’t deserve your kindness, Jo. But I’m grateful for it all the same.” She inhales shakily. “Brunch is at eleven, right?”

“Yep,” I say gently. “You have plenty of time, and a great day lined up. It’s spa day, and we’ll head to the bar at nine for line dancing.”

“Right.” Becky nods her head quickly. “Right. Um, I’m going to take that walk now. I’ll see you later.”

Hunter waits until Becky’s out of earshot to speak again. “Are you okay?”

I shrug and turn my body so I can stare out at the waves. “I’m fine, but Kelsey thinks we’re not actually dating.”

“And she cares?”

I nod my head, eyes still on the water. It’s a beautiful day today, the beach slowly filling up with locals and tourists alike. People walking their dogs, building sandcastles with their kids, heading into the water with their boogie boards. “I guess. But…I don’t care that she cares? Like she can believe whatever she wants. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

When I turn to face Hunter, I’m taken aback by the unshed tears in her eyes. “Did I say something?” I ask, reaching out a hand to her.

She grabs my hand and brings it to her lips, kissing my palm softly. “Yeah. You said something, and I’m so proud of you, Giovanna. I’m so, so proud of you.”

I wrap my free arm around her waist, pulling her into me. It’s the most comfortable silence, standing side by side and staring out at the ocean.

I never want it to end.