2. Jo

Four Months Later

Playlist: I Can Do It With A Broken Heart | Taylor Swift

Bodice Ripper Book Club Group Chat

Josh: Don’t forget! Book club at my place, 7pm! Decaf Earl Grey is being provided for those of us who don’t like caffeine after a certain time. ??

Jo: jfc, of course you’re careful about not consuming caffeine at night

Josh: Yes, Josephine, I’m taking that as a compliment. You know I take my sleep seriously. ??

Jo: still not my name

Nellie: she definitely didn’t mean it as a compliment

Jo: she’s right

Jo: i didn’t

Josh: Thank you, I’m aware. Anyway, I’m done being harassed, bring whatever food you want. I’ll have charcuterie. Bye. ??

“Who the hell died and made you king of book club?” I yell, slamming my book on the coffee table.

“My parents .” Josh yells back.

“Josh,” Nellie says calmly. “Babes. You can’t keep pulling the Bruce Wayne tortured orphan shit when Nic’s not here. It’s not fair that she doesn’t get to see you being a little bitch.”

He ignores his best friend’s quip, continuing to glare at me with his creepy blue eyes.

“It’s not that I don’t like Tessa Dare,” I explain, “but you’ve chosen her books for every meeting and it’s not fair. There are so many other talented romance authors out there, and you know that. I don’t know why, as Nellie said, you’re being such a little bitch about it.”He scowls at me, stroking his blond beard like a conniving villain. “Fine. What do you want to read next month?”

I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the couch. “Something gay.”

“Yes,” Nellie says, pointing at me. “ Yes . I love gay shit.”

Nellie and Josh work together in the English department at NYU, and the three of us started a historical romance book club a few months after he started dating my sister, Nic, last summer.

Josh sighs melodramatically, like he’s not also queer. “ Fine . Cat Sebastian and Alexis Hall have some good rep.”

“And Erica Ridley,” I add. “Also Adriana Herrera.”

Josh’s face suddenly brightens. “Oh my god, I forgot she wrote that sapphic one.”

“See, lil’ guy,” I tease. “It’s not so bad to give up control once in a while.” He blushes. “Oh my god, shut up. I do not want to know.”

“Good idea,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You know what we should read?” Nellie interrupts. “Monster smut.”

We stare at her.

Her head pivots between the two of us. “What? It’s good!”

“It’s a historical romance book club.”

“You were literally just telling Josh we need to branch out.”

“Right, on authors and representation. The fact that we read historical romances is what makes it a historical romance book club.”

Josh pulls out his phone. “Maybe there’s a historical monster romance?”

I don’t know why I’m surprised that he’s able to find not one book, but an entire series. We choose one with a marble marquis, which sounds bizarre, but Nellie and Josh both are thrilled by it. We agree to a sapphic historical romance for June. A pride month win for the gays, which is all of us.

“Hey, Jo?” Josh asks as Nellie and I start getting our things together. “Would you mind staying to help me clean?”

I groan overdramatically and drop my bag to the floor. He rolls his eyes.

Bothering Josh is one of my favorite hobbies. Since he and Nic started dating last summer, he quickly became a cherished member of the family.

I always wanted more brothers, mainly so I can remind them who runs the show. That’s how it goes with Steve, Kat’s shitty husband. But Josh, unfortunately, is a really good guy. He loves Nic a disgusting amount, and it’s annoying how naturally he fits in with the rest of us, like he’s always been part of the family.

“Okay, I’m heading out,” Nellie says.

“Sounds good. Text me when you get home,” Josh answers as he carries empty plates into the kitchen.

Nellie throws her arms around my shoulders. “How are you feeling?” she whispers.

My heart sinks. I’ve been trying not to think about the fact I was supposed to be getting married this weekend. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone until Nellie and I grabbed impromptu drinks last week after work. I had one too many glasses of merlot and spilled.

My ex-fiancée, Kelsey, and I met at work last year. Our relationship felt like it was out of a romance novel. Girl meets girl at work, girls sneak around at work. Girls have sex and fall head over heels for each other and move in together and get engaged and everything feels right . Everything feels like it’s exactly how it should be.

Until girl comes home from an event one weekend to an empty bedroom, except for the bed they’d shared and an envelope with her name on it.

And other girl goes on to fuck their boss and get promoted to the jilted girl’s dream job.

But hey, that’s Hollywood.

Except it’s definitely not, this is New York, and this isn’t a movie. It’s my life, and even though she left almost a year ago, I still hate myself for falling so hard, so fast. For going all in and losing myself in the process.

It’s been a year of therapy, and throwing myself into my job to prove that I’m capable of something at least, even if I’m not capable of maintaining a relationship. Add controlling my chronic illnesses and simply existing into the mix, and you have one burnt out Jo Quinn.

But I want to find myself again. To feel like myself again. It’s almost like I can’t remember what I liked before Kelsey, who I was before her. I’m just a hollow shell of afters.

“Jo?” Nellie prompts, leaning away and searching my face. “You okay?”

I force a smile. “Yeah, sorry. I’m just tired.”

“You don’t have to lie to me,” she says softly. “You don’t have to lie to any of us. We’re here for you.”

“Thanks,” I say, averting my gaze. “If I need anything, I’ll let you know.”

“Hello!” The front door opens and I hear the soft thud of my older sister, Nic, kicking her shoes off in the foyer.

“In the living room, Nicky,” I call out just as Nellie speaks again.

“I don’t want you to start isolating yourself now that Nic’s moving in with Josh.”

Ice fills my bloodstream. “What?”

Nellie eyes widen as she takes a step back. “Shit.”

“Fuck,” Nic agrees from the doorway.

I meet her eyes. “You’re moving out, Nicky?” I ask, hating how my voice cracks.

Nellie is saying something, but I can’t hear her. I’m staring at my sister, whose deep brown eyes are wide as she stares toward the kitchen. The floorboards creak and I know Josh is back in the room.

I try to breathe in, but it feels like there’s a pile of bricks on my chest and my lungs are caving in from the weight.

“We were going to talk to you tonight,” Nic mumbles, twisting her hands. “I didn’t—Jo, where are you going?”

I don’t know where I’m going, all I know is this room is closing in on me and I need to get out.

I love Nic, and I love Josh for her. I love their relationship, and I love that it’s at a point where they want to move in together. Nic barely ever sleeps at home anymore, anyway.

It has nothing to do with me.

And yet all my brain can focus on is the fact that Nic wants to leave, too. That I can’t maintain a healthy relationship, even with someone who’s more like my best friend than my sister. Even she found something better and is leaving me behind.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but my mind has grasped onto this thought process. That Nic isn’t moving out because she and Josh love each other and are in a committed, serious relationship, but that she’s moving out because-

“Jo!” Josh calls after me. “Come on, let’s talk.”

I hear him, but it’s like his voice is coming through a voice modulator. It sounds distorted and fake.

The only response they get is the slamming of the door.