20. Jo

Playlist: whywhywhy | Misterwives

“How are you feeling about this weekend?”

I groan at the question. Therapy had been going so well. Alena complimented me on using my coping skills and keeping up with care tasks and of course then she brings up what I’m dreading the most.

It’s been almost three weeks since I brought Hunter to Port Haven. It felt like a turning point. There’s no doubt about it—we’re definitely friends. I wash the dishes after she cooks and then we end the night with Dolly on one of our laps while she cross-stitches and I crochet. I have ten granny squares she’s going to help me make into a blanket and I feel unstoppable. It’s a calm, comfortable friendship.

Or it should be. I still feel unsettled, like there’s something unspoken between us.

“I’m dreading it.” I pull Dolly closer into my chest. She snuggles her head into me, like she can sense my stress. “I don’t want to deal with this anymore.”

Kelsey and Becky have somehow become even more demanding over the past few weeks, and I’ve been living with a never-ending headache triggered by it. But I’m so close to my dream becoming reality. I’ve begun scoping out rental spaces in Port Haven, dreaming up business names. Thinking of the positive impact I can have on a community that once hurt me.

“Do you have a plan on how to cope when it gets overwhelming?” Alena has a new mug today, one she’d been excited to show off to me. It says, “I like my romance novels like I like my tea: hot and steamy.”

“Yeah, Hunter and I have talked about it. She texted me a list of two dozen excuses we can use if I need to disappear for a while.” A slow smile spreads across Alena’s face and I narrow my eyes at her in suspicion. “What?”

“Nothing. You…your face brightens when you talk about Hunter. I’ve never seen that with you, except when you introduced me to Dolly Parton for the first time. It’s nice to see you this way.”

I jerk back. “You saw me like this when I was with Kelsey.”

“No. It’s different.”

I stare down at Dolly, like she’ll open her mouth and tell me what to say. Because what am I supposed to say? That Hunter’s brought light to my life? That she’s patient and seems to genuinely like me?

“Do you see yourself in a romantic relationship again?”

I hadn’t. I shouldn’t. There’s no way I could keep someone invested enough to stay.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s realistic…but I think I want to be. One day, when I’m better.”

“Better than what?”

“Better than the person Kelsey left.”

Alena’s quiet, and the sentence echoes in my mind.

“I think you use ‘better’ as something to hide behind,” she says carefully, like she’s tiptoeing through a minefield. “I think you focus so hard on all the things you perceive as wrong, or bad, about yourself. But we all have those things, and it doesn’t make us less capable of a healthy romantic relationship.”

“You’re right,” I admit.

“Oh my god, say that again. I need to get a recording for my therapist.”

I roll my eyes. “You suck.”

“In all seriousness, you don’t need to be actively looking for a romantic relationship, but I want you to continue facing the things that scare you, and challenging what you believe. And right now, that might be the uncertainty of life, of love.”

“It’s so hard,” I whisper.

“It is. But you’ve survived every single hard thing that you’ve encountered. You’re working your ex’s wedding for fuck’s sake. You can certainly examine why you think you don’t deserve love.”

Somehow, that feels even harder than planning the wedding.

“At least we’re not hungover this time.”

Hunter smirks up at me as she plops down into an empty row. We woke up early to catch a train to Port Haven and set up for the bachelorette party. Becky heard about SandPiper Inn from a former client, and then became obsessed with my hometown. I guess she got Kelsey into it, too, because the wedding ceremony, reception, and the bachelorette weekend are all taking place there. We’re reaching the home stretch of this thing: it’s just the bachelorette weekend and the wedding next month.

The brides and bridal party are arriving in a limo later this evening, but I wanted to arrive early to meet with Audrey, who owns the inn, to make sure everything is set for the weekend.

I sit down next to her after putting my bag in the overhead rack. “That’s true,” I admit, wiggling anxiously in my seat. “This morning would have sucked tenfold if we were dealing with hangovers.”

“I’m going to miss Dolly.”

Goddammit . “I am too.”

I’m acutely aware of how close Hunter and I are to one another. We’re both blessed with, as my pediatrician uncomfortably told me when I was in middle school, birthing hips, and the only empty row we could find was a two-seater.

I can smell the faint floral scent of her shampoo wafting off her, and I want to get drunk off it, to bathe in it. To be so surrounded by it that I somehow turn into a walking, breathing flower.

“Jo? Did you hear me?” Hunter’s voice is distant, like our hips and thighs aren’t pressed together at this moment.

“No, sorry,” I admit guiltily. “What’s up?”

“We have separate rooms this weekend, right?”

“Yep.” I know it’s the right choice, and that we’ll be able to play the roles of obnoxiously in love girlfriends just fine without sharing a room. But part of me wishes we were .

“I’m proud of you, you know,” she tells me quietly.

I blink in surprise. “For what?”

“For keeping your head held high throughout this whole shitshow. Honestly, I’d be proud of you even if you didn’t.”

I’m taken aback. She thinks I’m brave? How can she think that when she’s the most extraordinarily courageous soul I’ve ever met?

“It’s you,” I croak. “You’re brave, and you make me want to be brave, too.” It’s true, she makes me want to be open and fearless and trusting. She makes me want to jump and trust that she’ll catch me at the bottom.

She deserves someone who trusts her as much as she deserves someone who’s trustworthy. She deserves the love and energy and sparkle she puts out into the universe returned to her.

I hate whoever that ends up being.

Because there will be someone who gives her that, who takes her precious, precious love and bravery and keeps it safe in their heart. Who doesn’t squander it or take her for granted. Who climbs mountains to reach her and waits in the valleys to catch her.

I force a smile and look away, hating the pin prick feeling behind my eyes.