31. Shiloh

Chapter thirty-one

Shiloh

I’m wrapped in a cocoon of warmth, blissful from Liam’s touch.

Oof.

No.

I’m… I’m sick.

My stomach lurches, and I'm out of bed before I can process the wave of nausea that hits me. The cool floor tiles of the bathroom are a harsh welcome as I kneel by the toilet. The retching is violent, a sharp contrast to the soft sounds of Liam's breathing still audible from the bedroom.

I flush away the evidence of my unease, resting my forehead against the cool porcelain. It's real, this isn't just some bug or a bad meal; it's been too many mornings like this. The silence of predawn Martha's Vineyard presses in around me as I sit back on my heels, the weight of what I need to do settling heavily in my chest.

"Okay, Shiloh. You really can't ignore this any longer," I murmur.

The thought hovers, a statement of fact rather than an accusation. It's time to face the possibility head-on: I might be pregnant. My heart picks up pace, thudding uncomfortably against my ribcage as I stand up, steadying myself against the sink.

Liam's quiet snores filter through the door, innocent and unaware. I don't want to wake him, not yet, not until I know for sure. I glance at the mirror, meeting my own eyes—this is something I have to do alone.

I slip into the bedroom, a ghost in my own life, careful not to disturb Liam. The soft rise and fall of his chest under the blankets reassure me, but it also tightens the knot of fear in my stomach. I don't want to imagine his reaction if my suspicions are confirmed.

Could he be angry? Disappointed?

Does he even want kids?

Do I, at this critical point in my life?

I can't know—not yet. So I dress quietly, choosing comfort over style—a pair of jeans and a loose sweater to combat the chill of early morning. My hands shake slightly as I pocket the car keys, but I steady them with a slow breath.

It's just a test. Just a simple answer to a question that shouldn't be this frightening.

The door closes behind me with a soft click, and I'm alone with the sound of my footsteps on the gravel driveway. The drive to the drugstore is short, and the streets are empty except for the occasional flutter of wildlife.

"Calm down," I scold myself, glued to my seat in the drugstore parking lot. "You need to calm down."

I finally rally the courage to enter. It's quiet inside, save for the hum of the refrigerators and the soft sounds of the older lady clerk restocking a shelf. She barely glances up as I make a beeline for the pregnancy tests, my heart hammering against my ribs.

"Good morning," she says as I approach the counter, her voice a little too loud in the silence.

"Morning," I reply, keeping my tone even and casual. I place the box on the counter, avoiding eye contact.

She rings my item up, but not before her gaze falls to my left hand—bare. Her eyes narrow slightly, and I swear I see her mouth twist into a scowl that she tries to hide with a polite smile. There's judgment there, unspoken but clear as day.

"Will that be all?" she asks, her tone edged with something I don't care to define.

"Yes, thank you," I say, swiping my card through the reader. We both know there's more between us than this transaction, but neither of us acknowledges it.

"Have a good day," she says as I grab the bag, her eyes still speaking volumes.

"Thanks." I manage a smile that doesn't reach my eyes and walk out, feeling her gaze on my back.

Outside, the early morning chill bites at my skin, but it’s the weight in my chest that makes me want to sob as I get back into the car. I can't tell my mom about this—about Liam. We're not exactly poster children for a close mother-daughter relationship. And then there's Nadia. She doesn't even know I got into Trinity.

My phone feels heavy in my hand as I dial her number. It's probably late morning in Dublin. She could be sitting in class, her phone set to silent. But she’s the only one who knows about Liam, the only person I trust with this news.

"Come on, Nadia," I mutter under my breath, pacing in front of the drugstore. The phone keeps ringing, each tone echoing louder in my ears and amplifying the nervous flutter in my stomach.

Ring after ring, and no answer. My heart sinks with every passing second, and then...

"Hello?"

Nadia's voice is a lifeline, but it's one I'm afraid to grab. "Hi," I say, my voice barely above a whisper, and it sounds all wrong—strained and shaky.

"Shiloh? Are you okay?" Nadia's tone shifts from casual to concerned in an instant.

I open my mouth to answer, to reassure her, but the words dissolve into sobs that rack my body.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Nadia soothes, her voice a soft caress against the raw edges of my panic. "Take a deep breath for me, Shiloh. You're going to be alright."

I nod, forgetting she can't see me, and try to follow her instructions. Inhale. Exhale. Gradually, the tidal wave of emotions recedes, leaving me gasping on the shore of some fragile calm.

"Talk to me," she urges gently.

I sniffle and wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand. "Everything was just going too well," I manage to say, my voice still thick with tears.

Nadia chuckles softly, the sound warm and inviting. "What does that mean?"

It's enough to make me want to laugh too, but the fear still clings. I draw in another shaky breath, trying to find the words to explain the chaos swirling inside me.

"I'm in Martha's Vineyard with Liam. We're... we're in love." The words tumble out, and I'm clutching the phone like it's the only thing keeping me afloat.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Nadia's question is like a life preserver thrown into turbulent waters.

"Yes, it is," I admit, feeling a small smile break through. "But there's more. He wants to go public with our relationship."

"Whoa, another good thing?" she replies, her voice rising with excitement. “So… these are tears of joy, right?”

I pause, my heart pounding against my ribcage. "I also found out I got into Trinity."

"Shiloh, that's amazing!" Nadia exclaims, and I can almost see her eyes lighting up, the way they do when she's genuinely thrilled.

"It is," I agree, the smile fading as quickly as it came. "But if I go... what about Liam?"

"Hey, if you two are in love, you'll figure it out," she says confidently. "Long distance or something, right?"

"Right, but Nadia, that's not what I'm freaking out about," I interrupt, my heart hammering so hard I can almost hear it. "I... I think I might be pregnant."

There's a moment of silence on the other end, and I can picture Nadia taking off her glasses, rubbing the bridge of her nose like she does when something big lands in her lap.

"Okay, deep breaths, Shiloh," she finally says, her voice steady but laced with concern. She's no longer the upbeat friend from a second ago; she's the rock I need right now.

"I am breathing," I say, even though it feels like I'm sucking air through a straw. "I'm just... I'm so scared—"

"Shiloh." Her sharp yet somehow soothing voice cuts through my panic. “You're strong. Remember that whatever happens, you'll handle it. You always do."

I nod to myself, clinging to her words. It's as if they're a lifeline thrown into the stormy sea of my mind.

"Yeah, I have to," I whisper, more to myself than to her. "I just don't know how Liam will take it, or what this means for us... for everything."

"Have you taken a test yet?" Nadia's voice slices through the fog of my fear, offering a step to take, something concrete.

I shake my head before remembering she can't see me. "No, I haven't. But I have some in the car. I just need to get back to the house and take them." My voice trembles, betraying the knot of uncertainty lodged deep in my stomach.

"Have you told him about it? And Shiloh..." She pauses, choosing her words with care. "Would you want to keep it?"

The question hangs between us, heavy as the ocean air outside. I hesitate, the weight of the answer more than I'm ready to carry.

"Initially, I thought I wouldn't. I mean, we didn’t plan for this…" I admit, feeling the sting of tears threatening again. "But Liam... I want his baby. It’s unexpected, but it feels right." The words are out before I can stop them, a confession of a truth I hadn't fully acknowledged until now. "God, but there's Trinity, too," I rush on, my thoughts tumbling out in a jumble. "I wanted... I wanted time, Nadia. Time to build my career, our relationship—just a little longer without this kind of complication. None of this is going to plan…"

"Shiloh, listen to me," Nadia's voice cuts through my spiraling thoughts, steady and sure. "It's going to be okay. You'll figure this out. I'm here for you, no matter what happens. "

I clutch the phone tighter, drawing strength from her conviction. "Thanks, Nadia. That means everything to me right now."

"Go take those tests," she urges. "Call me back as soon as you know, okay?"

"Okay," I say, a whisper of resolve starting to build within me.

"Take care, Shy. And breathe."

I end the call and sit for a moment in the driver's seat, letting the silence of the car cocoon me. My heart is a drumbeat in my chest, but Nadia's words echo in my head: Breathe .

The drive back to the house is a blur, the morning sun casting long shadows on the road. I park the car, gathering myself before stepping out. The keys jingle softly as I walk to the door, the sound disproportionately loud in the stillness of the morning.

I slip inside, hoping the quiet will shield me from waking Liam. I need a moment alone, just a little more time to face whatever comes next. But as I tiptoe past the kitchen, his voice stops me cold.

"Shiloh?" His tone is tinged with concern, and I freeze.

"Here," I call out, steadying my voice.

He steps around the corner, his eyes immediately finding mine. "I was worried. Where were you?"

I glance down at the cell phone clutched in my hand. Two missed calls… and of course I was too distracted to notice.

"Out," I say, but it's more of an exhale than a word. My gaze flickers, betraying me, as his eyes follow the movement down to the plastic bag clutched in my hand.

The air between us thickens as he sees what's inside. The box with its telltale plus sign is as clear as day through the translucent material.

A myriad of emotions flits across Liam's face—confusion, concern, and something that looks perilously close to hope. I can't read him entirely, but I don't have the luxury to try right now.

"Shiloh?" His voice cracks slightly, the single word heavy with unspoken questions.

My heart hammers against my ribs, threatening to escape. I swallow hard, trying to lubricate a throat suddenly parched with fear.

"I think I'm pregnant," I manage to get out, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears. "And I'm going to take these tests."

For a second, neither of us moves. Then he nods, almost imperceptibly.

"Can you make me some more tea?" I ask, my voice steadier than I feel.

"Of course." His response is automatic, but his eyes remain locked on mine, searching for something I'm not sure I can give him.

I turn away, needing to escape that intense scrutiny, and head towards the sanctuary of the bathroom. The click of the kettle echoes behind me, a mundane sound that somehow anchors me to the here and now.

As I walk, I rub the fabric of my shirt between my fingers—a small, grounding gesture as I brace myself for what comes next.

Liam knows.

He knows… and whatever comes now, we’re going to face it together.