19. War of Guilt

Nineteen

War of Guilt

Axle

I've asked Viper to tell Elena her car is fixed, because I know she won't answer my call. I sense the stares of the other men as I walk straight to the bar, grab a full bottle of whiskey, twist off the cap, and take a gulp. The burn of the liquor matches my burning rage. I do it once more, then sit down. "Can you grab me a beer?" I ask Rage, who's behind the bar, giving me a cautious look.

"Uh, sure," he says. He grabs a beer for me and puts it in front of me.

I take a swig, craving the numbness brought by alcohol. I rub my eye and wonder how everything got so fucked up. I had one fucking job... one job... win the bet... don't make it personal. Noooo, not greedy me. I'm always searching for the next high, so I gave in to temptation. I had to fucking taste her... then I was a goner. I messed up one of the best things in my life. I chuckle. I'm good at fucking things up... no, I'm a master of fucking things up. All we had is gone, and I'm the one to blame.

After ten beers, the pain has lessened but I still feel like shit. Memories of the pain in Elena's eyes and the sob. I groan. That fucking sound of her crying. It guts me. And to think I did that to her? I cracked her smile... I was the one who broke her.

The men are talking around me, but I hear nothing they say. I stare off into space, thinking about Elena. Those seductive eyes, that rockin' body... She was nice to me—not that I deserved it. It's hard to find someone as genuine as she is. She's rare. She didn't care about the cut; she wanted to get to know me... and no woman has cared to get to know me before.

I peer down at my phone, press the home button. No messages or phone calls. What did I expect?

Viper sits down next to me and slaps me on the back. "I hate seeing you like this, brother. I thought I'd let you know I spoke to her."

"What did she say?" I inch toward him, hanging on his every word.

"She was crying, and I could tell she misses you. Tell her how you feel, then give her time to process it."

This was coming from the biggest player of us all.

"I tried to explain everything to her the other day when Cash dropped her off. I told her we made the bet before I met her. Everything changed afterwards. Vera said I was having sex with other women." I pause, then mutter, "Bitch," under my breath. "I was exclusive with Elena, and it still somehow gets thrown in my face that I was cheating."

"As I said... give her some space," he says.

Not possible. "You know me. How am I going to give Elena space?" My mouth twists at the idea. "She needs reminding every fucking day that she belongs with me and that I want her back."

Viper shakes his head. "It's not about you, it's about her. At least give her a few days."

I grab my phone, then stand and shove it into my jeans pocket, knowing not talking to Elena is going to be torture. We've grown so close. I bring the bottle to my lips and drain the remainder of the beer. "I'm going to lie down for a bit."

He nods. "Take it easy, man."

I stumble through the clubhouse, aware of the men's penetrating stares. Hanging on to the handrail, I climb the stairs, make it to my bedroom, and collapse onto my bed. Elena's scent on the pillow is like a punch to the face. Fuck, I miss her. I don't know how I'm going to last even a few days without her.

I wake, gasping for air. I'm drenched in a cold sweat. I reach out, desperately searching the bed for Elena, but she's not there. Reality is brutal. I see her shadow everywhere I go, even in the dark, but I'm alone. I've never understood the true meaning of relationships until I met Elena.

Three whole days I've waited. I find comfort in alcohol, sleep off the hangover, then eat and sulk. Going from my bedroom to the bar and back again. Cash, Viper, and Reaper have tried to talk to me, in whatever way they can, but nothing helps the crushing guilt that weighs heavy on my chest, every goddamn day. I roll over and stare at where Elena used to lie. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Back in the bar, I'm swirling beer around in my glass, watching as it slides around. I hear women talking and shift my gaze to Vera and Grace. Their eyes widen when they see me, and they hightail it out of here. They've been avoiding me, which is a smart move on their behalf, because I just want to let loose on them for destroying the best thing in my life.

Every day the tension in me rises. I feel it in my shoulders. The anger gets worse daily. I fist my hand tightly. I'm going to snap soon. I can feel it.

I roll my head back. My neck cracks. Fuck this! I stumble through the clubhouse and grab my bike key off the table. As I walk toward the front door, I hear, "You're not fucking riding like that. You're wasted."

I turn at the sound of Reaper's voice. I respect Reaper, but for the first time, I don't want to abide by his rules.

"Rage," Reaper calls out, "can you take Axle wherever he wants to go?"

"Sure thing," Rage answers and walks toward us. "Where are we going?" he asks as we walk outside.

"Elena's house. I'll give you directions."

His eyes widen, but he keeps his mouth shut.

When we arrive, I say, "Park behind that car." I point to Elena's car. At least it's running now, so she doesn't have to rely on anyone for a lift to and from work.

My heart's slamming against my ribs, and just for a second I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Does she hate me? I clench my fists again. I need to pull myself together. I take a moment, sitting in the car in silence, before I get out and walk toward the house.

I open the front door and walk inside. Four girls are staring at me from the couch. "Where's Elena?" I point to the stairs. "Is she in her room?"

The black-haired one jumps up, rushes over, and stands between me and the staircase. I have to woosah myself to calm the fuck down. "What are you doing?" I snap. "Let me through."

She jerks, but then smiles smugly at me. Maybe this is karma for sleeping with heaps of women.

"Elena doesn't want to see you."

The self-satisfaction in her voice irritates me further. "Let me be the judge of that."

She pouts. "No. She wants to be left alone."

"Who are you to say anything?" I chuckle darkly. "You hardly even know Elena, let alone are friends with her. What... I fucked you, now you're trying to get back at me?"

The girls in the background let out a gasp. The girl standing in front of me drops her shoulders. Perhaps I shouldn't have lashed out, but she's standing between me and Elena right now.

The blond girl walks over. "Uh, I think it might be best if you leave. I'll tell Elena you were here."

Breathe in... breathe out. I storm out of the house, then get into the truck with Rage. "Let's go home. I need another drink."