Chapter 17

After the other night’s excitement, things have been pretty tense at home. Well, not for anyone else in our family. Debs and Pops get on like a house on fire and my siblings seem to spend a lot of time over at Pops’ hanging out with her. Debs’ excuse was that the newlyweds needed more time to be alone, but all that’s doing is making it glaringly obvious that Ana is pulling away.

I don’t know what I did to fuck things up, but I can feel that shit just isn’t right at the moment. I’m hoping it’s just the stress of what happened and the awful task her and Roman have of trying to weed out whoever is working with Hammer, but I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done and how I get my wife back.

“Oh babe, don’t forget we have another appointment with Marta today at 5. Want me to pick you up?” I gaze at her across the countertop from me, perched on a stool eating her breakfast while I stand and drink my coffee, leaning on the other counter.

“I don’t even know why we have to keep doing this. Now that Roman is back, surely we don’t need to keep up the counseling and stuff?”

The fuck she just say? If she thinks that I’m letting her go now that Roman is back, she’s got another thing coming. Obviously, I’m going to have to sugarcoat this because if I say that to her directly, she’s going to lose her shit at me.

“Come on, babe, it’s our last one. May as well see it through and get signed off.” I shrug like it’s not a big deal and turn to rinse out my cup, feeling her eyes boring into me.

“Ok. I’ll meet you there. Afterwards, I need to check in on that shipment for Roman. He’s going to be busy with Sasha around that time.” I turn to look at her and her face looks tight. Raising an eyebrow, she smiles thinly and bobs her head.

“Shit, babe, I’m sorry. Anyone you’re close to?”

She blows out a breath. “No, these three are kinda new. It still doesn’t make sense how they know top level intel, but I’m sure Roman will work it out.” She picks up her plate and cup and carries them to where I’m standing. She rinses them both before putting them in the dishwasher. She stands next to me for a beat before she turns her beautiful face up to mine, stares into my eyes, tiptoes up and drops a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth. I want to grab her thick hips in my hands, hold her to me and plunder her mouth with my tongue, but I let her go. Giving her the space she so clearly wants, and maybe needs.

I watch her leave, picking up her purse, looking at me once more over her shoulder before she opens the door and walks through. Fuck. I don’t know what I’ve done or what I need to do, but this can’t be the end. I won’t let it be. I need her in my life. I need her like the air I breathe.

“She’s worried you’re going to leave her,” Debs’ soft lilting voice says as she steps up to lean a hip against the counter.

“I’d never leave her. I love her. I’m so desperately in love with her. Surely she knows that?” She smiles up at me and places her small, soft hand on my cheek, much like my mom used to when she was alive.

“Oh, baby. Ana has had people come and go her whole life. People that she loved and should have loved her. So, you loving her and her knowing it in her bones are two different things. Think, tama, when did she start to pull away?” She stares up at me with her dark eyes glittering in her brown face.

“She’s been like this since the other night,”

“Since you were shot, yeah?”

Realization dawns on me. She’s been pulling away since the shootout, but why? It’s not the first time we’ve been in situations like that. Debs must see the confusion on my face, because she pats me on my cheek.

“Ah, Gus, losing you doesn’t just mean you walking away.” She raises her brows at me, waiting for the penny to drop. Fuck. Now I get it. “She comes across as someone who rolls with the punches because she keeps herself separate from everyone and everything. She does it so it won’t hurt so bad when it’s not there anymore.” Debs sighs long and low. “Her putting space between you is her getting ready to run. It helps her feel in control. My baby has always struggled with loss and disappointment, each one chipping away at her. But with you, Gus? She’s afraid she’ll lose her soul if you’re taken from her. She’s scared, Gus. Show her that there’s nothing to be afraid of. And maybe try not to get shot again, ne?” With that, she pulls me into her arms and holds me.

* * *

I’ve spent the bulk of the day in my office coming up with ways to show Ana that she’s safe with me and I’ve been getting nowhere. I have no idea who the fuck to turn to. I can’t ask Debs again because she’s already counting on me to do my best to ease the hurt in Ana’s heart. Pops is kinda crazy and besides, he’s busy ticking more things off Debs’ ever growing list. Every time we get one thing ticked off, another crazy idea pops up.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Leaning my elbows on the desk I run my fingers through my hair before tapping the alert button on my watch and wait for my siblings to respond, which takes all of around 0.7 seconds before footsteps thump in the hallway, getting louder the closer they come.

“Yo, you alerted us?” Tav says as he arrives first, just before Jules does. Dayz and surprisingly Rhodie bring in the rear.

“Rhodie, pleasant surprise,” I give him a chin lift as he wanders over to Dayz’s spot at the table in the corner.

“Yeah, I stopped by to bring Chewy a snack. She’s busy working on that shit for the CIA, figured she would forget to eat.” he shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but it is. The way he treats my sister is better than anyone we could have ever imagined for her.

“Thanks man,” Jules says in response, before turning his gaze back to me. Leaning back in my chair, I clear my throat, fiddle with my tie, and just let it all out.

“I need help, guys. Ana is pulling away. She’s afraid that she’s going to lose me, and I need to convince her I’m here to stay.” I release this all on a breath and raise my eyes to look at four confused faces.

“Ok. And why does she think she’s going to lose you, brother? What the hell did you do?” Jules growls out. All four pairs of eyes stare at me, waiting for my answer.

“I didn’t do anything! The foster system did.”

“Huh?” Tav asks, confusion screwing up his face.

“Ana was in care as a kid. Every time she got close to someone, she was moved on, or they were adopted out, or, with her foster dad, he died. She’s always waiting for people to leave or be taken from her.” I see realization dawn on their faces. Well, not Dayz. She still seems slightly confused but I know Rhodie will explain it all to her later.

“Did this all come on after you got shot?” Rhodie’s gruff voice asks from across the room.

Before I can answer, Tav starts snorting and scoffing “He was hardly shot. He was grazed and then he pussied out because he’s ‘allergic’.” Tav says this last word in the girliest voice he can muster up, then grunts when I throw my pen at his face.

“Yes, Rhodie, she’s been pulling away for the past couple of days. Trying to put space between us. How do I convince her I’m not fucking going anywhere without going all caveman on her ass? Because you know if I do that, she’ll kick me in the balls and then run anyway.”

Glancing across the desk, Jules stares me down.

“So, this fake marriage, you want it to be real then?”

“Jules, this marriage is real. I went into it knowing that Ana is who I want as my wife. I want to have a family with her. It’s all real. To me, it’s always been real.” He gives me a nod, then darts his eyes away to look around the room at the contemplative looks on Tav and Dayz’s faces. Hopefully, they’re coming up with a plan because I’m at a loss here.

“Chewy mentioned that you’ve been seeing a couple’s counselor?” I nod at Rhodie’s question, not sure where he’s heading with this.

“Yeah, court mandated, to prove we’re in an actual relationship.”

“Ok, and couples’ counselors help counsel couples, right?”

“Yeah. It’s their job.”

“Soooooooo,” He circles his hands at me like I should know what the hell his point is. He frowns, looks down at Dayz, then toward my desk where both Jules and Tav are turned toward him, and I’m looking directly at him.

“Come on you guys, I’m pretty sure you’re not all autistic.” He takes another look at Dayz and then glances at Jules’ blank face, “Ok, I’m pretty sure at least 50% you aren’t autistic.” He looks around again before kissing Dayz on the head, sighing into her curls before looking at me.

“Use. The. Couples. Counselor. To. Counsel. You.” He grinds out in his rough voice that always sounds like he smokes 3 packs a day, even though I’ve never seen the man smoke anything.

“Holy shit, that’s a great idea. Nice work Rhodie.” Tav holds his hand up in a long distance high five and almost keels over in delight when Rhodie mimes high fiving him back. “Holy fucking shit! He did it!” He points at Dayz “That’s how you do it Dayz!” She just smiles at our idiotic brother before looking up at Rhodie like he hung the moon. Shit, I may also be looking at him like that too, because that idea is going to help save my marriage.

“Ok, sorry to have to kick you all out, but I gotta get outta here. I’ve got counseling to get to,” I rush out of my office, cheers go up along with Dayz yelling good luck at me. Hopefully, I won’t need it.

Yet again I find myself sat in Marta’s not so welcoming office, pressed up against my giant husband on the small leather loveseat. I’m sure this woman is just forcing couples to leave here happy in the hopes they never have to sit on this thing again. I mean, if I were in an unhappy marriage, the last thing I’d want to do is plaster myself up against my husband and talk to this woman, and yet here we are, once again.

“So, how have you been getting on?” Marta doesn’t even raise her eyes at us as she reads through the last session’s notes. I side eye Gus a little to see if he’s going to start the ball rolling. He looks up at the ceiling and I see him swallow a couple of times, so I guess it’s up to me. I plaster a smile on my face and make sure I sound extra cheery so we can get out of here quick.

“It’s been going really well! My mother is visiting from New Zealand and Gus’s family has really taken a shine to her. We’ve all been really busy showing her the sights and things. Isn’t that right Gus?”

I turn to look at him expectantly and then furrow my brows as I see he’s looking a little sweaty.

“Ah, babe, are you ok?” I ask him, darting my eyes all over his face as he tries to avoid my gaze.

“Um, no, I’m not Ok. Marta, I was wondering if we might work a little on communication while we’re here?” He takes a breath and lets it out slowly. I have no idea what the hell is going on. “Ana has been pulling away from me the past few days, and I’m having trouble communicating with her about it.” Those chocolate brown eyes dart towards me, and for the first time I notice how wound up and worried he looks. “I, I think Ana is dealing with some pretty big abandonment issues and I’m not sure how to navigate them.” His gaze comes back to mine, and where I can see he looks apologetic and maybe even a little sadness in those beautiful eyes, I’m sure he can see daggers in mine.

“Interesting. Would you care to add anything, Ana? I know we have touched on your past before, but do you think you’re pulling away? Do you think you may have unresolved issues from your childhood?”

Marta looks at me over her glasses and I can feel the discomfort working its way up my body. My leg muscles feel as if they’re all tensed up, my stomach is twisting and I’m overheating. It’s like I’ve been hurtled back in time, to all the times I had to sit with caseworkers trying to figure out why I refused to bond with people. Why I refused to make friends at the different homes I went to, why I would refuse any type of comfort from the many carers I had until I landed with Mick and Debs. It’s all too familiar a feeling and I don’t like it. I close my eyes for a moment and remind myself that I’m not that little girl anymore. Taking a deep breath, I let it out, and lick my lips as my panicked mouth breathing has made them feel dry.

“Um, sorry, I don’t understand. Can I please get you to repeat that question?” I side-eye Gus, who is now turned toward me as if he, too, is as invested in this question as Marta.

“I was just asking if you think you are pulling away. In terms of your childhood trauma, of losing loved ones and, as a result, having difficulty forming close bonds with people, do you think that is having any effect on your marriage with Gus? Gus mentioned that there’s been a bit of distance between you two recently.” She asks me, her brows raised, her beady eyes staring me down. What the fuck, Gus? Way to go, buddy. We will definitely be having words about this later on.

“I would have to say no. I’ve grown a lot since then, and I have created a family of sorts with my very close friends that I have made here in America. I would say the distance Gus has been feeling of late has probably got more to do with the fact that I am very busy at work. As is he. We are both working on large caseloads at the moment.” I shoot daggers at him, squinting, so he really knows I’m pissed. The coward just looks the other way, running his fingers through the softest goddamn hair I’ve ever had the pleasure to touch. Damn his brilliant hair.

“Gus, do you believe Ana has put her trauma behind her and is giving her all to this relationship?”

He clears his traitorous throat. “I think she thinks she has, but I feel like there’s maybe a little more she has to work through. It feels like she’s always waiting for something bad to happen, and that she always has one foot out the door.”

I turn fully this time to glare directly at him, watching his giant body try to shrink back into the corner of the love seat. I take a deep breath to center myself and remind myself that we are here purely to prove that our fake marriage is real. We have lied every other time we’ve been here, so why the hell are we psychoanalyzing me all of a sudden? Shit, I’m sure Gus has some childhood trauma he needs to work through too, but you don’t see me bringing that up. Nope, it’s time to get back to the program, which is where I tell this woman what she wants to hear, and then we go on our merry way.

I turn to make eye contact with Marta, “Ok, well maybe I have a little further to go in getting over my past, but I’m sure with Gus’s help, I should be able to get there.” I place my hand on Gus’s and fight the urge to squeeze the life out of it while I plaster a smile on my face and hope that Marta buys this shit. She has every other time.

“Gus, how do you feel about this? Do you think you can help Ana work towards getting to a place where she feels as if she’s safe and settled and happy? Whether that is within this relationship or not?”

I glance at Gus, who is looking at me, studying me almost. He swallows before he answers roughly, “Of course. I will do everything in my power to help Ana work through her fear.” He holds my gaze as he speaks, as if making me a promise. But it’s a promise that I’m too angry to even think about right now.

She peers at us over her glasses before nodding. “Very well. I’m glad you admitted there’s more work to do, Ana. That’s what people who come to see me often forget. We are all works of art, and sometimes we need a little extra work here and there to complete the masterpiece. I’m happy with how you work within your relationship and the ability of both of you to be thoughtful and mindful of each other.” I watch as she writes something down on that infernal notepad of hers. “I told you both last session that this was going to be the last time I meet with you, however considering what we’ve spoken about this session, I feel the need for one more catch up. I would also like to point out that I am more than a couple’s counselor. Ana, if you ever feel like your childhood is affecting you in ways that you cannot work through on your own or with Gus’s help, then please, don’t hesitate getting in touch with me. Until then, keep supporting each other and loving each other. I’ll see you next week. Same time.” She gives us a nod before popping up out of her chair, walking over to the door and holding it open for us as we hold hands and wish her well.

We hold hands until we get out in the elevator where I drop his like a hot potato.

“What the actual fuck Gus?!” He at least has the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“I didn’t mean for it to go like that. It’s just, I don’t like the distance you’re putting between us and I thought maybe counseling would help?” His shoulders are up around his ears, his eyebrows pulled together, looking like a little kid who got caught graffiting cocks everywhere. I drop my chin to my chest, close my eyes, and let out a sigh. I’m not doing this here. I know what he wants and I just can’t give it to him. Not at the moment. I’m in love with him but I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. The other night was too close. It brought our whole world crashing down on me, and I need to decide if what we have is worth risking my heart and soul for. Can I survive taking a chance, or is it better for me to cut ties and move on without him?

The lift hits the car parking level; the doors sliding open.

“Look, I have to go check this shipment. I’ll talk to you later, ok?”

“Do you want me to come wi-” Gus’s alert goes off on his watch and I stare at his handsome face as he frowns down at it.

“You better go. I’ll be fine. I’m only checking to make sure it’s all there. Savage and Dex will be there as they’re transporting this shipment. It’s that new deal between Death Riders and Roman that Marx set up. I’ll be covered. Go.” I lean up and give him a soft kiss on the lips I love so much and I head to my car. I need to get this shit out of the way, clear my head, and put Gus out of his misery, one way or another.