31. Ash

THIRTY-ONE

"This place is amazing." Sunday is nearly in tears as she looks around the newly finished studio. The guys and I have spent the better part of a month tearing it down and rebuilding it in our limited off time from Hel's. And now, seeing her face lit up so brightly and her smile so big, it was all worth it.

"I'm glad you like it, sunshine." I smile as I kiss her gently. She stares in wonder at the room with the soft white walls, ballet barre, and mirrors, tears glistening in her eyes. I watch her do this adorable-as-fuck little squeal dance thing before she looks back at me and wraps her arms around my neck.

"This is the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me." She squeezes me to her before lifting up on her tiptoes and kissing me again. "I love you." Cold washes over me at her words. I stare at her, and her entire body goes rigid.

"I–" My voice cracks. What do I say? How do I fucking make words?

"Hey!" Stevie's voice interrupts us, and Sunday instantly moves from me, her eyes round and horrified. She shakes her head and looks toward Sunday before giving her a hug. "I got a bunch of food out in the car. You know Baka ain't letting me go to a party without desserts." Sunday gives me one last mortified look, and I reach out to grab her, but she moves away and follows Stevie and Janie back outside.

I rub the ache in my chest. This is bad. Why would she say something like that? We've been so good, great even. I am having so much fun with her and Wade. We go out and do stuff a couple of times a week, and we talk on the phone regularly. We watch TV at night. Sometimes, we fall asleep on the phone, and I get to listen to her snoring.

Why would she say that!? Things are perfect, we're doing great in this committed-casual-situationship. Love shouldn't be involved. Even though lately, I've had this overwhelming feeling of wanting her close to me all the time. To touch her, kiss her, fuck, just to stare at her. Those feelings have been terrifying the absolute fuck out of me. Partly because I don't know what it is or why I'm feeling it and partly because I think I doknow what the feeling is. And I don't know if it's a feeling I'm comfortable with.

"What's with the face?" Atlas asks as he walks over to me.

"Nothing," I mutter. "Where's Ren?"

"Outside with the girls. Ren is showing them her newest ultrasound pictures." I nod as I take a breath, trying to calm my anxiety down.

"Dude, you don't look good," Atlas says, drawing the attention of Fox. "What's going on?"

I rub my chest as I bend over at the waist, trying to get a deep breath in. "I'm fine, just tired." I need to get myself under control before Sunday comes back in.

"Ash," Atlas pats my shoulder. "Something's obviously happening. Talk to us."

"Maybe I should go get Sunday," Fox says.

"No!" I bark out. "I-I don't want her to see me like this. Just give me a fucking minute."

I take another breath before standing up and facing my friends. "She said…" I have to take another breath. "She said she loves me. I think it was a slip, but she just said it." I watch as Atlas and Fox both give me similar smirks.

"Stop it," I order, pointing at them. "Knock it off."

"This is a good thing!" Atlas beams, and I shake my head.

"It is not!" I breathe out, "How on earth could this be a good thing?"

Fox furrows his brows. "Because she loves you, and you love her? How's that not a good thing?"

"I'm not in love with Sunday!" I deny loudly.

There's a second of silence before I hear Janie cough. Looking behind Atlas, I see all the women are in the doorway, including Sunday. Oh no. God, why? What in the fuck did I do to piss you off thismuch?

"Well, then." Sunday lets out an embarrassed laugh that feels like a stab in my chest. "I'm glad you're able to be so open and honest, but maybe try not to shout it to everyone next time?" I watch every single wall I've spent these last months tearing down fly right back up. Never in my life have I regretted anything more than I do right now. Fuck, not even the night I ran out was as regrettable as this moment right here.

"Excuse me for a second," she whispers, turning around and walking out of the studio.

"Fuck, sunshine, wait!" I call after her as I try to get through the glaring women blocking me at the entry. Once they let me pass, I jog up to Sunday and grab her by her elbow.

"Hey, sunshine, wait."

"Don't," she snaps while ripping her arm out of my grasp. I notice in the glow of the streetlights that she's crying, and it guts me. The last thing I want is to hurt her.

"Sunday, I'm so s–"

"Sorry? For what? For yelling to all our friends that you don't love me or for not loving me at all?"

"Well, I mean–" It's evident I take too long when she starts walking away again, this time with more speed.

"Goddamn it, Sunday!" I holler as I catch up and then stand in front of her. "This isn't easy for me, and you're making it a lot fucking harder by acting like this." Oh… that was stupid. So, so very stupid. I watch her wounded expression change to stone and her eyes narrow.

"Oh," she says slowly, her voice laced with a bitterness I've never heard from her before. "My apologies. I am so sorry for making this difficult for you, Ash. Here, allow me to make this simpler. Fuck. You." My face falls as she shoves past me and heads back towards the studio.

"Fuck me?" I state, walking behind her.

"Yeah! Fuck you!" She turns around and shoves me before staggering back toward the building again. "You want an emotionless fuck? Go find one, I'm done."

I stop in my tracks. "Done?" I try to breathe out, but my lungs have no air. She can't mean that, can she?

"Yeah, done. I told you I'm not wasting my time with casual situationships."

"W-well goddamn, Sunday! We haven't been dating that long! You're throwing a lot at me here!" Her eyes soften slightly, and I watch as she relaxes her stance before wiping the tears off her cheeks. I want nothing more than to wipe those tears away for her. I fucking hate myself for hurting her this way.

"You're right." Her voice doesn't sound like hers. My Sunday has a powerful, commanding, and inviting voice, full of self-assurance and determination. But this voice… it's so small, scared and broken. "I'm sorry." Her voice cracks, and she tries to hide it with a cough. "I know you've been through a lot, and you've been nothing but honest and upfront about not wanting more. This is my fault, Ash. I'm the one that caught feelings when I shouldn't have."

"Wait," I breathe out as I feel the cold grip of my anxiety tighten its fingers around my throat. "W-what you said in there… it wasn't–" She shakes her head and chuckles lightly, fresh tears spilling from her eyes.

"It wasn't an accident." Her eyes find mine, and I watch her bottom lip tremble. "I'm in love with you, Ash." My heart's pounding so hard I fear it might explode. She's really in love with me.

"Sunday," I breathe out, and I watch her face scrunch up as if she's in pain, as if she already knows what I'm going to say. "Baby, I'm so sorry." My voice hitches, and I feel tears starting to roll down my face. "I'm just, I'm not the guy you plan your forever with. As much as I wish I could be."

"But you could!" she sobs out, and it's another knife to the heart. "Are you going to stand there and tell me that in all this time, after all we've been through, you haven't developed any feelings for me at all besides physical attraction?"

"Of course not," I groan in frustration. "But that doesn't mean that I feel like I should act on them. Damn it, Sunday, I was so happy with the situation we were in. Why does that have to change?" I watch her face crumple completely, and everything stops. I can't move, I can't remember how to breathe, and I can't bear what she says next.

"Because you were never just a ‘situation' to me." She glances at the night sky momentarily before digging the heels of her palms into her eyes. "Fuck," she hisses under her breath, and I watch her body go tense, and when she looks back up at me, her eyes are cold and so distant. She's shut off on me completely. "I would like you to leave now." She says and turns to walk away.

"You mean the party?" I ask timidly.

"I mean from my life," she states distantly, not bothering to turn around. "I don't have time for any more situations."

"You're… breaking up with me?" I croak out as dread consumes me.

Sunday grips the door handle and glares back at me one final time.

"No, I'm not breaking up with you. In order to break up with you, we would've had to have been something. And apparently, we weren't."