22. Eva

I'm too nervous to lean against a wall or sit on one of the marble steps In the courtyard. I stand on the first step, barely higher than the ground. I'm on my guard. I listen for the door opening or a voice calling to me, telling me the wizard will see me now. I watch the faceless statues continue to lean against each other, and the citizens of Esseff continue to walk by going about their day, self-centered and self-focused, oblivious to the fact my entire life seems to be following a script that someone else has written. They have no clue and no care that I am standing here in front of this white dome of a building that shines like a bald spot in this green city and that my life is going to shatter again, a second time. Or maybe a third time? Three times if you count Patty's death. Four times if you count Horsey's death. Five times if you count my creation.

I get tired of standing, of shifting from one leg to another, is one of my legs longer than the other? I wonder. I begin pacing on the white hard marble stairs. Someone's job must be to sweep them, because they are impeccable. I notice a single divot in the stone, and I try to test how quickly I can notice it each time I walk by it. A singular flaw. I worry about Theo. How could he leave me in the dark like this? Then again…I never told him the truth about what I really am.

We should leave Esseff and never come back. Go somewhere where we can truly start over with new identities in a place where no one knows that I am a copy, a clone.

Can I get Theo to come with me or is he more enamored with his job and supposed research than he is with me? Where will we go? Can I ask Barbie to come with us? Would that be wrong?

I think of Iago. Did he really orchestrate this whole thing? Could Theo really be so oblivious to his evil? But is Iago evil? I think of Patty. I couldn't save her, and did I really try? The Magus... I try not to think, I try to notice that little divot in the stone, and I keep walking right by it without seeing it.

When one of the double doors finally opens, my heart hiccups with surprise. It is like I got used to this pacing, as if I accepted that this is my life now.

Barbie is not who I expected at the door, I expected some man, a guard, but there she stands, not stepping over the threshold, glaring at me as if I took the last slice of a pie she was saving.

"Barbie? What are you doing here?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes at me, "Come on."

I walk up the stairs, feeling relieved. With Barbie by my side, I don't feel so incredibly alone. I met Barbie in Esseff. Barbie is good. Maybe Esseff is good too. Maybe Iago is good too. Maybe I should get a job. Settle down. I don't know.

The door leads into the most opulent vestibule I have ever been in, draped with art—pictures of animals and nature—so realistic you could fall into them. The room is spilling over with intricately woven rugs and tapestries. I thought that the Magus's manor was impressive, but I know I have been thoroughly proven wrong at a glance. Even the ceiling—no, especially the ceiling—is arresting: high, domed, with arches, and mosaics in brilliant colors. The place seems more open and brighter than any building I've ever been in before. I didn't even know a building's insides could be like this. I wish I could show this to the Magus; he is always looking for ways to improve the manor... but no. I can't think of that. I need to focus.

"What are you doing here?" I try again to get Barbie to answer me.

An eye roll. "Do you really need to know that?"

"No…" It is hard to think with all this wealth blinding me, like staring at the sun.

"Okay then."

"Listen Barbie, the wizard, his name is Iago and I think he—" I break off, not sure where to begin. I've not explained much of anything about my past to Barbie and now isn't really the time to explain everything.

"I know," she sighs.

"But—"

"Listen, Eva, the wizard is like, real fickle, you know? He's real judgy. You need to be like, upbeat if you want to get anywhere with him. He shuts down around negativity. I..." she stops and looks at me, "I want to wish you good luck."

I open my mouth; I have so many questions. I shut it again. "Need To Know," I realize all at once, is so much bull. Technically, there is nothing I need to know. Why hadn't this fact struck me so hard before? I guess because I hadn't asked enough questions. I had been afraid to ask. I didn't want to be judged for either not knowing something I was supposed to know already or asking and being judged as needing to mind my own business, thanks to NTK.

"Take off your shoes," Barbie says.

"What?"

"Did I stutter? Take off your shoes. No one wears shoes in the observatory."

I notice that indeed, Barbie is not wearing shoes. Hopping on one foot, I remove one shoe and then the other. I hold them out to her, confused.

"There is a shelf behind you."

I turn to see that the wall behind me, besides the door, is made of hexagonal wooden cubbies. I recognize Barbie's pink slippers in one of the cubbies and insert my boots in the one next to it.

Barbie doesn't wait, she is walking away, and I hurry to catch up. Beneath my feet the rugs feel like freshly cleaned wool. So soft. It would be a shame to walk on them with shoes.

I follow Barbie down what seems like one hundred corridors, moving deeper into the observatory. The hallways curve slightly, making me think that we are spiraling inward as we pass a universe of opulent rooms, though I can't be sure. My sense of direction is not the best. I keep trying to get Barbie to speak, but she just sighs and shakes her head at me or bites her full lips.

The lush carpet under my feet is distracting. The art, the amazing otherworldly furniture—crafted from what wood would look like if it were carved by air and metal would look like if it could dance.

I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have come here. The strangeness of everything is frightening. I should have just taken Theo and gone. If I really wanted to, I probably could have persuaded him to leave with me long ago. But I was comfortable. I was complacent. As always.

Finally, after what seems like a journey but has only been a few minutes, Barbie leads me to an arched doorway. We enter what seems to be some kind of warehouse with strange cutouts—buildings and trees painted on wood. There are racks of strange clothing hanging on the walls. What is this place? I want to ask Barbie. Where is the wizard? Why would he be in this strange room? But I know she will not answer.

I flinch. Beside me is a taxidermied donkey head hanging too close to my face. Upon closer inspection, I realize that it is missing eyes. It's hollow. It's a mask. I realize that the strange clothes around us are costumes. Where are we? Then I notice that one of the walls of this room is not a wall at all, but a huge curtain, the color of rotting red rose petals, hanging from floor to ceiling. It dangles from poles, with catwalks above them, and a tangle of metal and lights with a black ceiling overhead. I know it is daytime, but it feels as if we have walked into night.

Barbie leads me to the middle of the curtains, her cool fingers pressing gently on my elbow.

"Like, you're like supposed to go through the curtains, and like you'll see that the wizard is on the other side waiting for you to ask your questions."

I gape at her. I remember when I thought I understood the world around me, when I had been just a woman with amnesia in the Magus's manor. When my life was simple with Theo and Patty. Cooking dinner (or at least attempting to cook dinner because, as Theo doesn't let me forget, my cooking has never been very good), reading books—fiction books of adventure—and lessons with the Magus. I thought I knew everything, but here is this girl, who I thought was my friend, telling me to go out between curtains to who knows what on the other side.

My palms are sweating. I think my face is sweating, my armpits are definitely sweating. I reassure myself that the hardwood floor of this room is still there beneath my bare feet. I shake my head at Barbie. "Who are you?" I mouth, but don't say.

"Barbie," she whispers. Then she examines her toes.

And then, as if I am diving into murky water, I part the curtains anyway, and I step out into hot bright lights. Lights that blind me as a sun would. If I weren't sweating before, these lights would make me sweat. I can hardly see beyond them, but I get the sense of a great wide space. This is a stage, I realize. I have never seen a proper stage before, but this is a stage, and this is an auditorium just as I have read about in books.

Barbie peaks her head out from behind the curtains. "Speak clearly," She says. "He's in there, just walk a bit forward."

I walk forward, blinded by the lights and trying to see into the blackness beyond them. I can't make out anyone. "Could you turn down the lights?" I ask Barbie.

"Ummm," she says. "I don't know. I'm not really supposed to? Sorry?"

She says it like a question mark, so I say, "Please turn off the lights."

She rustles behind the curtains and the lights dim the tiniest bit. I guess that this is as good as I'm going to get.

I begin asking my questions. My voice cracks. I feel as if I am speaking to God, into this darkness. "Who am I?" I say. "Who are you? Who is the Magus? What is going on?"

"Louder," Barbie whispers behind me.

Beginning again, I raise my voice, as if I am yelling into the wind. I am talking to a wall, until I stop. I have asked my questions three times over, no one could miss my meaning.

There is silence.

There is the soft sound of one hand unenthusiastically clapping against another. I don't know if it is a good or bad sign—to be clapped for.

"Is that a yes, you'll answer my questions?" I yell into the darkness, my voice hoarse.

"That's a no," Barbie whispers behind me.

"No," calls a voice from in front of me. A strange voice, falsetto. The voice of a man impersonating a woman or a child and doing it poorly.

I clench my teeth and my hands. I stand here with my naked feet, and I just braved my demons to speak to this man, and he said ‘no' without giving me a reason, without even doing me the courtesy of using his real voice.

There is a choked laugh from where the "no" came from, a man's laugh. It turns into a cough and a false falsetto titter.

"Why would you laugh?" I say, "You think this is funny? This is my life. You think that is funny? What is wrong with you?"

"Now Eva, calm down Eva, it's not really a big deal." The falsetto grates.

What I think. "What?" I say, "What did you just say to me?" I know I don't have a leg to stand on, but I am getting angry. Too angry to be afraid, to think straight. To act straight.

"It's not a big deal Eva," he screeches.

Like a dam breaking, falling down an empty stream bed, his voice, the way he says my name, Eva, even though it's not the same voice, even though he's using that fake girlish falsetto, I recognize it. How could I forget the man who showed me what I am and sent me away, and warned me about the Magus?

"You're smarter than you look, Eva," he's dropped the falsetto, and now his male voice is all caramel and charm.

"Iago." I feel bitterly vindicated. I thought I had nothing left to lose but here I am losing more, more of my sanity, more of my sense of self, more of who I think I am supposed to be. The largeness of it, the largeness of Iago, larger than life, both at the Magus's manor and here. I knew there was a reason I was brought here.

"You're such an egotist, Eva. You want to be center stage, all by yourself. You want there to be a grand conspiracy surrounding your existence. You've always been like this. Trying to steal the spotlight from beings who actually have souls. People who actually matter. Barbie," he says, "Go ahead and turn down the lights, Barbie dear. Let Eva and I look at each other properly."

The lights dim and in the middle of the vast auditorium of red seats I see the suited man, lounging with his legs crossed, propped up on the seats in front of him. He's wearing a white mask, so I can only just barely see his eyes, but the mask is a smiling one, and I am sure he is smiling underneath the mask as well. Mocking.

"So, you caught me, Eva. You must think you are sooo smart."

I know I'm smart, I think. Wait—but I don't want to agree with him—I mean I know I'm smart, it"s an objective fact—right? I say nothing, I glare. I am smart, I shouldn't be ashamed of that, I have many things to be ashamed of but not my intelligence.

Iago cocks his head to the side as if contemplating me.

"Who are you?" I repeat. "What are you? What is the Magus?"

"Who knows? You don't?" He sniffs.

"Why are you here? Why were you at the Magus's place? I thought you were a priest." If this man, magi—whatever he is—isn"t really a priest, then perhaps my marriage to the Magus is null and void.

"Rest assured. I am trained as a priest. I just don't often preach—so I can be sure that I am always practicing what I preach!" he laughs. I don't see the humor.

"Anyway, does it matter? You don't want him. I helped you escape him. And now you live in Esseff, where you have plenty of food to eat and a roof over your head, and you can do no harm to anyone but yourself and maybe that foolish boy who pines for you. Don't worry. Be happy. Have little baby Evas and Adams and move on with your life. You don't have to work. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

What he is saying almost makes sense. But I know he is wrong, he is bad. He tricked me.

`I try one last time, "Who am I a copy of? Why did the Magus create me?"

Tsking, as if in sadness, Iago shakes his head, "Eva, I could tell you. I could. But I won't. Just like you won't tell Theo the truth about what you are. You continue to lead him like a lamb to a slaughter. Doesn't he deserve to know the truth? I don't owe you answers. I don't owe you anything."

"My relationship with Theo is none of your business," I say. I finger the ring in my pocket. The ring the Magus gave me.

"I consider everything you do my business when it affects me, Eva," Iago sighs. "And unfortunately, quite a bit of what you do has a domino effect on my life."

"I'll leave," I threaten, "Then you won't be able to control me."

"You"re free to go. Any time."

"I mean I'll leave Esseff!"

"I know," he sighs, "and I know that for Genji's sake and for my own convenience, I should probably stop you. Maybe even kill you?—"

"No!" shouts Barbie from behind the curtains.

"Barbie?" Iago sounds confused.

"Don't kill her!"

Iago uncrosses his legs, brings them down from where they're resting on the seat before him, and the next thing I know he is inches away from me, holding me on my tiptoes by the neck of my shirt. I'm choking. I'm coughing. I'm trying to push away, twist, pull away, grab his stony forearm, kick him.

"You are so transparent," he snarls, no longer the refined, in-control man I had the audacity to argue with, but an animal. "If everyone else could see what I see in you, they would hate you just as much as I do. More even."

He lets go of me and wipes his hands on his suit jacket. I'm coughing, free of his grip. He continues to stare down at me. I feel like a cockroach he is considering squashing. He's right. I am a cockroach; I am a lowly, self-centered being who caused the death of her only mother figure, who stole her best friend away from his life and lied to him, who has nightmares every night and deserves them, but I want to live. I stand up straight, I look him in the eye. Green. The color of life, they are a contradiction.

Iago straightens his lapel. He takes in a deep breath and lets it go, "I'm sorry. My temper got the better of me for a second, I've had a lot on my mind lately, Martians invading and all, but really, I have no excuses for my uncouth behavior. Anyway, you are free to go. You're also free to stay. I'd actually prefer it if you stayed, but I won't force you. Nothing good could come of you leaving, but your death." He laughs without humor. "But seriously, I would prefer you to stay safely in Esseff. This is the best place for you. Sure, you're lazy, unmotivated, parasitic, annoying, and a complainer. But apparently, my Barbie quite likes you. She would miss you."

I rub my throat, watching him, hating him. I want to kill him, but it must be impossible. He is a magus. An immortal. Why didn't anyone ever tell me? Though I know why—none of Esseff's residents has spoken to me much except Barbie, and Theo has refused to talk to me about anything much more than the weather in months, and may not have known himself, Need To Know and all that.

"I'm leaving," I rasp.

Iago pulls his mask up so his mouth is uncovered and as I suspected he was smiling beneath it. He gently takes my hand, and roughly squeezes it when I try to pull away. He brings it to his mocking lips and presses a kiss against it.

"Good luck, Eva," he says, "Don't forget your shoes. I have no use for them."