4. Arlo

CHAPTER 4

Arlo

I'm not sure how long I sit on my bed, just staring out at my view, pondering everything that's happened to me in the past twenty-four hours.

Okay, I'm mostly thinking about Thomas, but who can blame me?

I can't get the image of his perfect, completely naked body out of my brain. It's stuck on a loop, and I can't even be cross about it because he is utterly delicious. Acres of light brown skin, plenty of soft black hair, and firm muscles that I simply want to lick all over.

Obviously, when I stop and think about it, I feel guilty. Once he realized I wasn't a burglar, he's been nothing but kind and gentlemanly to me. And here I am objectifying him.

But those winks. And more than that, he was being nice, because I'm almost certain he's a Daddy by the way he was talking, and that's exactly what I want! I've never felt like I did when he insisted on picking up my suitcase and helping me find my actual villa, even after I was so appallingly rude by almost breaking his door down.

This is what I've been searching for all these years.

And it doesn't have to end here! He gave me his phone number and said he wanted to go to the meet and greet together! That's doubly exciting because I was nervous about going all on my own. But if I get to spend any more time at all with Thomas, then that's a million times better.

He's safe as well. He might have come via Heathrow, but he assured me he lives in New York. So if anything were to happen between us, it's guaranteed to stay here, in Bali.

That makes me feel bold.

I've been hoping that coming here might give me the courage to be someone else. Or…no, that's not it. I think I'm hoping to set my true self free for once. However, I'm perfectly realistic and know it can't last. Thomas can't come home with me. I'm praying that if I allow myself this last (this only) hurrah, then I can return back to Wiltshire with my chin held high, ready to become the son my parents need me to be.

I think of the chaps I went to school with. Those who were rugby players and prefects and good at sums. That's who my parents always wished I was.

Just thinking about it makes my heart drop a little. I'm never going to be like that. It's simply not in my genetic makeup. But I have to try. I was born to be my father's heir. My family is relying on me to uphold our name and reputation. I must be grown-up and sensible.

That means dressing in boring clothes and paying better attention to politics and finances, all things I hate. But I'm not selfish, either. I'll be what Mummy and Pa want me to be. Even if that means…

Even if that means marrying a woman.

I bite my lip, really not wanting to think about this now. However, I'm so tired, it's like all my defenses are down. The thoughts tumble in regardless.

I think women are smashing. My cousin, Ginny, is the best person I know in the whole wide world. The few friends I have are all young ladies, and I respect them tremendously.

But I've never in my life been attracted to one. Not even a tiny bit. The idea of having sex with any of the beautiful girls I'm acquainted with makes me feel sick and wrong. It's just another thing in my genetic makeup.

My parents expect an heir from me, though. So I guess I'll just have to find a nice woman who understands my predicament and we'll simply…make it work.

I hug Chippy and Snap to my chest and lie down on the bed, the cool pillow feeling so good under my head. No, there's no changing my fate. What Mummy and Pa say, goes.

But for the next ten days in this magical land of wonder so far from home, I am free.

That brings a smile to my face as my eyes drift closed. I just want to think about how nice everyone has been for a minute. I want to think about the stunning scenery and the fact that this whole villa is mine and mine alone for my entire stay. I can do what I want, be who I want…

Spend my time with who I want.

Does Thomas really want to be my friend? I'll be such a good friend if he lets me.

I'll be the most perfect baby boy if he wants.

Feeling naughty, I giggle to myself as I snuggle on the bed. Just the idea of being a little in front of anyone else is thrilling and terrifying to me. But if I picture myself trying it with Thomas, that worried, squirmy sensation in my tummy goes away. I just get butterflies in my heart instead.

Yeah, I think he's probably a good Daddy. Maybe a great one.

Would he be interested in being my Daddy, just for a short time?

I hope so. It's that hope that helps me let go, gentle darkness washing over me…

I wake to knocking on my door. "Arlo?"

Blinking groggily, I mumble something about being awake and rub my eyes. It takes me several seconds to remember where I am and what's going on.

Bali. I made it.

And that's Thomas at the door.

"Oh!" I squeak, tumbling off the bed and getting shakily to my feet. "Sorry! Coming!"

Feeling like I've got sea legs, I stumble across the room to eagerly open the door. He really came back! He wasn't just being polite! I open the door and…

Whoa.

How is he so handsome? Is that smile really just for me? He's leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets, and he looks me up and down as his smile gets bigger.

"You fell asleep, didn't you?"

My hand flies to my head, where my hair is undoubtedly sticking up at a funny angle. I also clamp my mouth shut and take a step back, worried about my breath after such a long journey and all the food I ate.

"Um, maybe?" I mumble from a safer distance.

He glances into my villa, and I wince, aware it looks like a bomb went off in my suitcase as soon as I opened it. "Unpacking is going well, I see."

I grumble and throw my hands up. "I'm not sure where to put everything," I moan, aware I'm being a baby.

But…it feels nice to whine, as selfish as that probably is. But I enjoy having a teeny little tantrum about such a silly thing. Mummy would have overseen me putting every last sock away like I was a new inmate at her prison. I don't actually want all my clothes on the floor, nor do I wish to be disrespectful to housekeeping. But little boys don't always know how to unpack, do they?

As if reading my thoughts, Thomas juts his chin toward the room. "How about I come in and supervise?" he suggests.

My eyes go wide. I was enjoying my petty game, but I never actually meant to bother him any more than I already have. "Oh, no, I couldn't put you out like that," I protest.

He raises an eyebrow at me. It does funny things to my insides. "You missed breakfast, so I was concerned you might need some more help. That's why I'm here, Arlo. So, are you going to be a good boy and let me help?"

If possible, my knees get even weaker.

"I can be a good boy," I whisper, feeling like I'm in some sort of dream.

His smile is like warm sunshine. "I know you can," he says. "Come on. Let's start by putting away all your stuff. Did you bring anything special for the trip?"

I let him come inside as he's talking, and nod as I shut the door behind us to keep the cool air in. "Yes! I've got swim shorts and sunscreen and…"

It occurs to me that he doesn't mean holiday items.

"Ohhh." I skip over to the bed and pick up my soft toys. "This is Chippy, he's a seagull. Seagulls steal your chips when you're at the beach, you see. And this is my turtle, Snap. Did you know turtles have been around as long as the dinosaurs?" I look at my teddies proudly. "These are my friends, and they're going to help me look for treasure."

"Is that right?" Thomas asks as he perches on the end of the bed. "Is there a lot of treasure in Indonesia?"

I nod, hugging my teddies to my chest. "Pirates buried it here," I tell him matter-of-factly. "All beaches have treasure if you look hard enough!"

The fact that I can hear myself slipping into my little voice in front of another person should be alarming. But all I feel is pride and joy as Thomas beams at me like he's having the best conversation ever.

"You know, I think you might be onto something there, Arlo. Perhaps later today or tomorrow, I could take you down to the shore and we can have a look?"

I swallow around a lump in my throat, running my index finger and thumb against the ribbon-like label on Chippy's bottom. "You'd really want to do that, Thomas?" I ask in a small voice, not quite feeling little anymore. I'm nervous. This all feels a bit too perfect, and sadly, I don't trust it.

Thomas's expression softens. "I'd love to, Arlo," he says. "Can I be honest?" I nod eagerly. "I've never done this before with anyone."

"Gone to the beach?" I ask because apparently, my little side is still in charge of my brain. Maybe big me is too afraid to ask what I really mean, but Thomas seems to understand anyway.

He takes a breath, holding my gaze. "Been a Daddy."

My heart flips, and I can't help the small gasp that escapes my lungs. "Me, neither," I say in hushed tones, but then I shake my head. "I mean, not been a Daddy, obviously. But been with a Daddy or been Daddied by a Daddy or even really been little except for by myself, but it's different with other people, isn't it?"

I inhale then bite my lip, aware of the word vomit that I just threw up all over him. Thomas just chuckles, however, his eyes still all starry as he looks at me.

"That's perfect, then, isn't it?" he says softly. "We're both new and clumsy."

I can't help but scoff. "I'm the clumsy one, yes," I agree. "You seem to be startlingly perfect at everything. It's quite intimidating."

That gets a proper laugh from him, which fills me with warmth from my toes all the way up to my heart.

"How about this," he says, tilting his head. "Would you like to try being new and clumsy together? No pressure or anything. But maybe you'd like to hang out a bit, and we could try some Daddy/boy things."

Gosh, that sounds wonderful. But it also makes me a tiny bit nervous. He said no pressure, but I think I need more information. "Like what?"

"Well," he says as he looks around. "Why don't you be a good boy for Daddy and put away all your clothes? Daddy can help his baby boy put them in the right places. Then maybe as a reward, we can go down to the beach and look for pirate treasure?"

My heart feels like it wants to explode. On the one hand, that's a pretty simple plan. On the other hand, it sounds like the most perfect plan anyone has ever had.

"I can do that!" I say excitedly. But then a thought occurs to me, stopping me from moving. "But…you haven't met any other boys. I bet there are lots here. What if you'd rather be their holiday Daddy?"

Thomas gives me a warm look and holds out his hand. It's so much bigger than mine, but that feels perfect when I slip my palm against his and he gives me a little squeeze. "I said no pressure, remember? We're just trying this on for size. We can take it one day at a time. You might meet a better Daddy, after all."

I scrunch my nose up. That doesn't seem likely. I meant what I thought. Thomas seems too good to be true. But him saying that does make me feel less nervous. I might still get it wrong, but instead of ruining his special trip, he can try again with another boy if he wants. That makes me a bit sad but also less stressed to be perfect.

Mummy and Pa always want me to be perfect.

He squeezes my hand again. "What do you think, baby boy? Do you want to practice together?"

I nibble on my lip before nodding. "Yes," I say slowly. "But what about…do you just mean…" I huff, not sure I feel big enough to get the right words out. "We're just going to play pirates and such. No…grown-up games."

His eyes widen as he catches on to my meaning. "No, sweet boy," he assures me. "No pressure for anything like that at all. We'll take it nice and slow. This can just be Arlo and Daddy's nice relaxing playdate. When you wake up here, in your bed"— he pats it for emphasis —"you can decide each morning how you feel. Daddy only wants to help his boy to have fun."

I don't know why I'm hesitant. This is exactly what I wanted. I just didn't expect it to fall into my lap the second I arrived. Before I even got on the plane, actually! Am I reluctant because I feel like I don't deserve it?

Ah. That resonates somewhere deep inside me.

I've spent so many years hiding my sexuality and my true nature it's hard not to think of that part of myself as something dirty or wrong, even though I know it isn't. Maybe, deep inside, I believe that wrong things shouldn't be rewarded.

No! I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact, it's all rather sweet and innocent.

And it's only for ten days. Or even just one day if that's what Thomas and I decide. Like he said, no pressure. Although the thought of him moving onto another boy makes me want to cry. So perhaps I should stop getting in my own way and just try giving this a go?

"Daddy and Arlo go slow," I confirm, feeling little again now that my big grown-up thoughts have been better organized.

Thomas squeezes my hands. "As slow as little Arlo wants," he affirms. "We'll take everything one step at a time. Do you want to start by showing Daddy how nicely you can unpack all your belongings?"

My heart lifts. That's all I want! Just one task to focus on. Not a whole big picture. "Yes, Daddy!" I cry.

He beams at me, and it makes my tummy feel funny. I like making Daddy happy so much. "Good boy," he murmurs. "I think we're going to have lots of fun together."

I think he's right.