CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 18

It had been three days, three long days since she’d offered Ingrid the job as her private secretary. She hadn’t seen Ingrid since, nor had she gotten her answer. Elin was beginning to wonder if she ever would, when there was a knock at her door.

“Yes,” she said.

“Your Majesty, Miss Ingrid Olson is here to see you,” the attendant said as he held the door open.

“Yes. I mean, yes. I mean, send her in. It’s okay; she can come in.”

Bumbling idiot. She was a bumbling idiot.

“Your Majesty,” Ingrid said as she walked in.

“Hi,” Elin replied, standing up from behind her desk. “Would you like to sit down? I can have coffee brought in, or…” She checked her watch. “It’s after five; maybe a drink would be better? Wine? Or, something stronger, if you want.”

“No, Ma’am. I have to be going soon,” Ingrid replied.

“Oh, okay.” Elin walked around to the front of her desk, leaned back against it, and rested her hands on top of it behind her.

“Your Majesty, I wanted to tell you in person that I’ve turned in my resignation as private secretary to Her Royal Highness, Princess Mari.”

Elin smiled and said, “You didn’t have to formally resign to return to being my secretary, Ingrid. A simple yes would have been fine.”

“Ma’am, I’m leaving the palace,” she corrected.

Elin’s smile disappeared instantly.

“You’re leaving?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Why?”

“I think it’s time, Your Majesty.”

“Elin.”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am.”

“Just Elin right now, please.”

“Ma’am, we’re in the palace, in your office… It’s important that–”

“You’re really leaving?” Elin interrupted.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“May I ask where you’re going?”

“My stepfather has had a job for me for a while. I’ll be working in his company.”

“This is really what you want?” Elin checked.

Ingrid didn’t say anything for a long moment. Then, she nodded, but it wasn’t her usual, confident nod; there was hesitation there.

“Ingrid, name the job you want here. If you don’t want to be my private secretary or Mari’s, I will find you something. Whatever you want – I’ll find it.”

“Ma’am, that wouldn’t be fair.”

“Screw fair,” Elin said a little louder than she’d intended.

“Ma’am?” Ingrid asked softly.

Elin shook her head and said, “I’m sorry. This is just surprising.”

“My apologies, Ma’am.”

“Ingrid, I–” Elin didn’t know what to say.

“I’ve submitted my letter of resignation to Steven, but given our last conversation, I wanted to let you know as well. Working for you has been an honor and a privilege, Your Majesty. I appreciate every opportunity you’ve given me.”

Elin couldn’t utter any words in response. Her hands were sweaty as she attempted to grip the desk behind her to keep herself standing.

“When will I see you again?” she asked softly after a long moment.

“Ma’am?”

“Will I ever see you again?”

Ingrid smiled warmly and said, “I’m sure you’ll–”

“Your Majesty,” the attendant addressed her, pushing the door open.

“What?!” Elin snapped without meaning to.

“My apologies, Ma’am. The Queen Mother has asked for an audience.”

“I should leave you,” Ingrid said, bowing her head. “Your Majesty.”

Ingrid turned, and Elin couldn’t say anything. There was an attendant standing in the doorway, holding it open for Ingrid, who walked through it without turning back. A moment later, her mother entered Elin’s office, and the attendant closed the door behind them. Elin could no longer hold herself up. She crashed down onto the floor, and her hands covered her face as she tried to prevent the tears from escaping her eyes.

“Elin?” her mother asked with concern and worry in her tone.

She must have rushed to Elin’s side because she was instantly on the floor beside her.

“Elin? Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Are you injured?”

“No,” Elin replied.

“What happened? Why are you–”

“She’s gone, Mom.”

“Who is?”

“Ingrid.”

“Yes, I just saw her. Do you need her for something? I can call her back. Did she do something or–”

“I love her,” Elin managed out, letting the tears fall. “I love her, and she just resigned.”

“What are you saying, dear?”

Elin finally looked up at her shocked mother and said, “Mom, I’m gay. I should have told you and Dad a long time ago, but I didn’t. And now, I’m sitting on the floor crying because I love someone I can’t have.”

“You love Ingrid?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” Elin replied, wiping tears from her cheeks. “And I know you and Dad wanted me to find some man to settle down with and have children, because that’s what the monarchy needs right now – stability and a solid line – but, Mom, I’ve never wanted to be with any man. Right now, I can’t breathe because I don’t think I’ll ever see her again. She has no reason to come here now. And it’s not as if I’d have any reason to– I can’t breathe, Mom.”

“Oh, sweetie,” her mom said before she pulled Elin into her and wrapped her arms around her. “Your father and I want you to be happy. We want that for all of our children. I know you didn’t plan on this life for yourself and that your father’s illness and your brother’s decision have rather forced you into this, but I don’t care whether you marry a man or a woman; or not at all.”

“You don’t?” Elin asked, looking up at her with tear-filled eyes.

“Honey, I love you. I want you to be with someone who loves you and makes you happy. If that’s a woman, that’s fine with me. I do want grandchildren, and I know you don’t think you’ll have them. I don’t know that I fully understand why, but you’ve made that clear.”

“Mom, I–”

“No, you don’t have to explain it anymore. I won’t ever understand, Elin. I have you. I have your brother and your sisters. I can’t imagine a life without the four of you. That’s why it’s so hard for me. I don’t know how you couldn’t want that. But I respect that you don’t. It’s your life. Your father does, too. Right now, he’s just trying to do what’s best for the country, and he thinks that’s finding someone for you so you can fall in love and change your mind about children because it makes things less complicated, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. You’re Queen now, Elin. You outrank both your father and me. If you want us to stop with the recommendations and parties – you just have to say so. If you want us to switch from bachelors to bachelorettes – you can tell us that, too.” She gave her a kind smile.

“Mom,” Elin said, laughing a little.

“Well, should we?”

“No, I don’t want Dad to know yet. Is that okay? I’ll tell him in my own time. I wasn’t planning on breaking down and telling you right now. I thought I’d tell you soon, but not like this.”

“Because Ingrid is leaving?”

“I know she doesn’t feel the same way about me, but I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without her. Since she started working with Mari, I’ve seen her less and less, and that was hard enough. Now, she won’t be here at all. And it’s not like I can just run into her at the coffee shop; I might never see her again.”

“Honey, have you ever told her how you feel?”

“What? No. Why would I do that?”

“Because you just broke down on the floor at the prospect of never seeing her again. That’s a pretty big deal, Elin. You told me you couldn’t breathe, sweetheart.” Her mom wiped a stray hair from her face. “You need to tell her.”

“Why? What’s the point? I already feel rejected professionally. She’ll just reject me personally, and I’ll feel even worse.”

“Ask yourself what’s really worse, Elin. Is it that you tell Ingrid how you feel, and she says she doesn’t feel the same way, but, at least, you know? Or, is it that you don’t, and you never know?”

“Are those my only two options?” Elin asked.

“I’m afraid so, baby,” her mom told her, kissing the top of her head.

“I guess it would be better to at least know.”

“I agree.”

“Mom, you really don’t have a problem with me being gay?”

“I think part of me knew.”

“What? Really?” Elin asked, surprised.

“I don’t know how big of a part, but you’ve never really dated, and you don’t seem interested in any man we’ve introduced you to.”

“I haven’t been,” Elin replied.

“And there was that girl when you were at that horseback riding program when you were sixteen.”

“Oh, Astrid.” Elin remembered.

“Yes, Astrid.” Her mother laughed lightly. “You brought her over to dinner once and would not stop talking about her for months. Then, suddenly, you stopped, and I wondered what had happened.”

“Astrid got a boyfriend,” Elin explained.

“I see,” her mom said. “Well, I don’t think I had it all figured out until you just told me, but I’m glad you did, Elin. I want to know all of my children. I’d give you anything in the world if I could. You know that, don’t you?”

“I do,” Elin replied, smiling up at her.

“I’ll keep this from your father for now, but I can’t forever.”

“I know. Can you just give me a little time?”

Her mother nodded.

“Thank you,” Elin said.

“Are you going to talk to Ingrid?”

“I’m terrified,” Elin admitted.

“You’re in uncharted waters right now, so I can understand why, but if anyone can handle this, it’s you, my dear. I’ve long believed that while Christian was my firstborn, you were built for this job.”

“You’ve never said that to me before.”

“Well, I couldn’t, could I? Your brother was going to inherit.” Her mom winked at her. “But now, it’s yours, and you’re going to make an amazing Queen. When you’re ready, your country will stand behind you when you tell them.”

“You think so?”

“Just remember one thing: if they don’t, they’re still stuck with you.” She laughed, and Elin joined her. “But yes, I think they will.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Elin said.

“I am a mother first. And I will always be your mother first, Elin. No matter how many titles you have; I’m your mother.”

Elin nodded at her. Then, her mother kissed her forehead, and Elin felt safe and comforted for the first time in a very long time.