Chapter 39 - Oliver

T he auction was last night, and I still can't believe I sold my painting. It's a high I'll never forget. My only regret is that Hunter wasn't there to cheer me on. In another life, another time, I know he would've been. And that ruined my whole good mood.

Still, I'm grateful to have had the opportunity in the first place. The professor put his trust in me, and I didn't let him down. I didn't disappoint anyone the way I usually do. Even Jamie said he was proud of me, making me feel warm inside. Not because I like him that way, but because it had been so long since anyone praised me for any reason. I was beginning to think all I could do in this lifetime was be a fuck up.

Last night was surreal, and I'll never forget it. Except, right now, as I lie down in this bed, I've never felt more alone. Jamie offered to come hang out with me, and like the lovesick fool that I am, I declined. Now I'm here alone while Hunter is at a party, probably fucking Malia or someone else. I'm not stupid; he won't stop just because I'm here, and I won't ask him to. I'm not going to show him how much I care, especially since he already has an idea anyway. But that idea is just the tip of the iceberg, for he doesn't know what's below it. He doesn't know the depth of my love for him.

I've left my bedroom door open as an invitation for him for the last three nights now, and I'm not talking about unlocked. I mean wide open, where he could come in here without barriers. Only he hasn't made a move. I know because it feels like I haven't slept the entire time.

He's come close, though. I've focused on his hushed footsteps right in my doorway. Yet instead of facing him, I pretend to be asleep—pretend I don't feel his longing from across the room. But the way I feel, it isn't enough to pull him in; all it's done is push him away. So I pretend—for both of our sakes.

The front door opens, and Hunter stumbles in loudly, throwing something on the ground. I lie on my side facing the door and shut my eyes, evening out my breaths. The light in the living room is on, shining into my bedroom. This apartment is such a small space that it's hard not to know what's happening, even on the opposite side of it.

I listen to him exhale loudly and curse under his breath. His footsteps stop, and I feel him staring at me. He usually does it in the darkness where he thinks I won't notice him in the doorway, never in plain light. And that's what brings me some courage to open my eyes.

We make eye contact, his face impassive, showing no emotion. It makes me nervous about having a stare-down with him, but also, a thrill runs through me at the prospect that he will come in. He doesn't move, though. He doesn't even twitch as he leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms over his chest, his biceps bulging. I try not to stare at them, instead I lick my lips. His eyes follow the movement and I'm fucking gone for him already, wishing and praying he'd come in so I can show him how much I've missed him.

"It's creepy to stare, Hunter." The urge to smirk is strong, yet I keep it contained. Rather, I focus on making sure my voice is calm, when all it wants to do is tremble due to his proximity.

"Don't call me that." His face doesn't change, and neither does his stance.

"What would you like me to call you?" Please don't do this. Please. Please . Please don't break my heart even more.

"Hunt is fine."

I ignore him, because that's not what I wanted him to say. "What are you doing here?" I say instead, knowing he's too much of a coward to come in.

Silence greets me.

"I'm going to need you to spell this out for me, Hunter ," I say gruffly, sitting in bed. "Because from here, it looks a lot like senior year." It looks like the time in our lives when you let me love you—freely and without barriers. It looks like the time in our lives when our secrets were sacred, and so were our moments together.

"And if it is?"

My stomach drops, and I take a moment to think. "Come here, Hunter."

Come here and let me love you again. Come here and stop this cycle between us. Come here and put me back together. Fill this fucking hole in my chest. Fill the void in yours.

But Hunter just stays silent, running a hand down his face.

"Or better yet," we make eye contact and his breath hitches, "Get out."

"You know you don't want that," Hunter says with a frown.

"What do you know about what I want?" I taunt, knowing damn well I should probably keep my mouth shut. But the thing about self-preservation? It's nonexistent when it comes to him.

"Because it's not what I want either."

There's another moment of silence, because that's clearly all we can have lately. Silence—nothing. We don't know where we stand, and we keep doing this awkward dance with each other, where we keep stepping on each other's toes. I'm tired of it, it's exhausting and it hurts. But I can't seem to stop; I just keep hoping for more songs since it's better than not having his attention at all.

Hunter closes the distance between us and kneels in front of me. He stares into my eyes with so much pain it knocks the breath right out of me, yet I don't let it stop me. I think it's been a long time coming.

"What do you want, Hunter?" I whisper. "You want to fuck me? You want to bury me underground from an overdose? You want to cuddle me on the couch? You want to sob on my shoulder? You want me to pay for all my mistakes? Which one is it? Don't you get tired of yourself? Don't you get tired of constantly fighting with who you are?"

He shakes his head, confusion marring his features. But he doesn't say anything.

"Leave," I growl. " Please ." I try again. He's going to break me, I know it, and I'm not going down without a fight.

His forehead comes to the bed and he takes a deep breath. When he lifts his head, his eyes are pleading with me. "Don't do this."

"No." I shake my head and stare at the ceiling, my tears threatening to spill and make me look stupid. " You don't do this. You've made it clear time and time again that you hate me, that you don't want me. You're just trying to hurt me—you want me to hate myself. Well, guess what, Hunter . It's not happening."

I feel his eyes on me, but I don't dare deviate from the popcorn ceiling. I begin to count the dots just to get my heart rate to go down, and he huffs from his place beside me. "Just this once," he pleads. "Let me have this—let us have this."

"I want you to leave."

"Please, Blue."

"You don't deserve this." I chuckle. "Or me ."

"Don't you think I know that?" His voice rises as he grabs my hand and links our fingers, surprising me. A gasp escapes me before I can control it. I try to yank my hand out of his grip but he just holds on tighter. "I fucked up, Ollie. But I want this. Just this once. Show me what I've been missing. I need it—" He chokes on his words. "I need you ."

I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. How do I reject him right now? I've never been able to deny him a thing in my entire life, and he knows that. He's using my weaknesses against me, and I know it's going to come back and bite me in the ass.

Hunter is not going to give a shit about me—again—after this is said and done. Can I handle that? Is it worth it? I know the answer already. I'd take any crumbs of him I could get.

Only rather than giving in, I shake my head. "No, you know what—I don't care anymore. You need me? How about all the times you've rejected me? Did you need me then, too? Or did my pain bring you joy?" Hunter opens his mouth to reply, but I cut him off. "I'm not the only one at fault here, you are too. You could've driven me, but you let her drive, Hunter. I was high because of you—because you can't make up your fucking mind and you don't know what you want. You won't accept yourself. You're hot and cold. You want me, then you don't. You need to put your big boy pants on and deal with the fact that you're gay."

"I'm not?—"

Is he fucking serious right now? After all of this, he's still going to deny it.

Ignoring him, I continue, "I will forgive you once you forgive yourself, I will wave a white flag. But only once you come to terms with who you are. I will accept you back into my life as my brother, or more if you like—but only once you finally admit to yourself that you're in love with me. This rage you feel, it's not about me. It isn't about how much you hate me. This is about how much you hate yourself."

Hunter nods slowly and sighs, staring right into my eyes. His lips are tight as he remains quiet for a beat, then another. My heart is rushing in my ears, and I'm surprised I can make out what he's saying when he begins to speak.

"You're right." My stomach drops when he says those words. I never knew two little words could hurt so much. Because if he can acknowledge it, then he must know he's been punishing me for no reason. "We both lost someone we love. We both played a part in it, and we're both guilty." He blinks back tears and I stay stock still, barely even daring to breathe. "We're guilty of hurting each other. And we're guilty of hurting people we care about. But I'm not gay, Ollie. I am attracted to guys." My brows furrow in confusion. "But I don't want to fuck them. I've been doing research, and I think I need an emotional connection before wanting to have sex. I'm demisexual."

"What are you telling me, Hunter?" I ask slowly.

"I'm saying," Hunter comes closer between my spread legs, and he cups my face as he looks up at me with the saddest eyes. "I don't need guys. I just need you . All of you."

"Don't do this, Hunt. Don't fucking do this."

"Be with me," He blurts out. "Let's figure it out."

I push him away and look at his red, blotchy face. His eyes are swollen from crying. And yet, he's still beautiful. My broken boy. My everything. " Stop ." I shake my head, trying not to be blinded by my wants and needs. Trying not to believe in his pretty little lies. "We both know you're going to change your mind tomorrow." He shakes his head now. "We know you're going to hate me again in five minutes. And that's not going to change."

"It's already changed," he whispers. "I don't hate you. You were right…I hated myself."

"I can't do this back and forth with you anymore."

"There won't be any more back and forth, Ollie. I swear it." He grabs my hands and squeezes them gently, and I look down at our connection. "Look at me, baby," he whispers. "Look at me while I tell you how I really feel."

My breath catches in my throat as I gaze into his eyes again, and I swear I'm not prepared for what I find there. All these feelings circling in his expression, and I can't tell what any of them are.

"This is not the kind of love you move on from," Hunter tells me softly, his voice wrapping around me like a gentle caress. "Because this—what we have—it's forever. I love you—and I'll never stop fighting for it—for us . I've never been able to get over you, and I know I never will."

His body over mine flashes in my mind, and I think of how we fit perfectly together. The feeling of his lips on mine is a vivid memory, and it's scary. I'm scared of him, of the pain he can inflict.

"I'm scared," I whisper.

"Let me show you, Ollie." His voice cracks. "Let me show you how much I love you, and in return, I'll take anything you'll give me."

"So show me," I tell him, twisting my body to push back the covers. He lets me go and I stand, then hook my thumbs into my boxer briefs and push them down my legs, throwing them to the other side of the room. I turn my head to stare at him, and I don't miss the way he licks his lips while gazing at my cock. It stiffens and grows right in front of his eyes, and he bites his bottom lip. I get back in bed, the cold sheets making me shiver. "Lube's in the drawer," I grunt, and he practically flies toward my nightstand.

I've never seen him move this fast before. He has the lube clutched in his fist and his pants and boxers off in seconds. Then he just stands there and watches me, and I do the same. I admire the years of work he's put in and how he looks like a man now. There's no boy left in him. No, he's all grown up, my Hunter. It makes me want to turn back time and start over. I wish I hadn't fucked up. I wish he was still mine.

His muscles flex with restraint as he watches my body, and I focus on his corded arms as they flex with his grip on the lube. But I'm weak, and I let myself take a mental note of every dip and groove, every fucking line of his abs, and the Adonis belt that makes my mouth water.

My hand reaches out tentatively, and I trace my fingers down his cock softly, barely there. He stays still for me and closes his eyes, and when I grip his cock he whimpers. I tug on it, jerking him, and use my thumb to catch the pre-cum beading on the tip. As soon as I let go, it's as if he misses the contact, and his eyes fly open. I push my thumb between my lips and suck on it slowly, looking into his eyes. Black swallows green, and he does that thing again—biting his bottom lip and driving me crazy.

"You still taste so fucking good," I tell him, my voice low and breathy. "Come here."

Hunter straddles my lap and looks at me with a mix of appreciation and curiosity, and my cock twitches. I'm so close to pulling him down toward me, but thankfully he comes willingly, dropping the lube next to us on the bed. His lips meet mine tentatively, softly. Butterflies invade my stomach, but when his tongue breaches my lips, my hands can't stay still—I grab his face with both hands and pull him even closer, deepening the kiss.

We're in a frenzy, touching each other, rutting against each other. I bite, lick, and suck on his lips, and it's still not enough. I can never get close enough. "Hunter," I whisper. " My Hunter. I missed this. I missed you."

I'm weak for you.

Hunter pulls away, halting his movements and gazing into my eyes. "I don't know how to do this anymore." He swallows hard. "I don't know how to stay away."

"Then don't," I shake my head and grab the back of his, tangling my fingers in his hair, "fucking stop."

He slams his lips back to mine, then drags them across my bottom lip as he pulls away. His mouth is suddenly everywhere—my face, my jaw, my neck, my chest. He takes one nipple between his lips and sucks, and my hips buck off the bed. His hands roam my body and settle at my hips, and when they squeeze and pull me against him, and our cocks rub against each other, I almost lose my mind.

Hunter reaches between us, gripping my cock and stroking it. He gathers my pre-cum and spreads it on the head, and grits his teeth. "Such a pretty little piercing," He says softly, looking between us. His fist tightens on the upstroke, and his thumb brushes against my piercing. I tense and moan, needing him to do it again. "Does it feel good when I do this?" He repeats the motion and I moan again.

"Yes," I whisper. "Please, don't stop."

Hunter smirks and lets me go, my dick slapping against my abs. I close my eyes, wishing he'd touch me again, not knowing if this is how it ends again. Last time, he didn't let me come, and I don't want a repeat of that. I want to see his face when he's lost in pleasure. I want to see him unravel for me.

"Let me see that pretty cock, Ollie." He licks his lips as I grip my base and push it back toward him. He puts our dicks against each other, pressing them together, then wraps his fists around both of our heads. "Fuck, baby, I want it so bad."

I want it so bad.

I want it so bad.

I want it so bad.

"Take it," I beg him, and he begins to stroke our cocks slowly, gripping us on the upstroke and making my eyes roll to the back of my head. I breathe hard, my chest heaving, and make a little sound I don't even recognize. "Fuck, Hunter," I cry out. "Faster, please."

He obliges, going faster. It feels so fucking good my toes are curling, and it feels like I'm having a damn heat flash. My back begins to sweat from the pleasure, and I start to top from the bottom, my hips pumping in time with his strokes.

"That's it." Hunter's voice sounds strangled, and a little moan escapes his lips. The added friction of me helping him is driving us both insane. "Fuck my fist."

I do, lifting my hips over and over, my hands gripping his thighs now, blunt nails digging into his skin. The urge to close my eyes and get lost in the pleasure is strong, except I don't want to miss a fucking second.

I don't want to miss the heated look in his eyes and the way he bites his bottom lip to keep the sounds in. One day, I'm going to make him scream. I've missed out on it, and I want it so fucking bad.

"Right there." I pant, my back arching as my hips buck off the bed. "Please, please , there."

He keeps up the strokes the same way I'm begging for him to do, moaning in pleasure, just like me. "Fuck me," Hunter chokes out. I gasp and moan as I get closer to my release, gripping Hunter's thighs even harder. "You're so fucking sexy, baby."

Baby.

A shiver runs down my spine and my balls rise, tightening. "I'm close," I say through gritted teeth. "I'm so close."

"No way." Hunter shakes his head, letting go of us.

He comes back up, slamming his lips to mine while thrusting his tongue into my mouth. My cock is hard against his abs, and he whimpers when I thrust up against him. It only makes me more desperate for him to touch me.

Please, please touch me.

"How close are you?" he asks me. "I want to try something."

He buries his face into the crook of my neck and licks my skin, then bites it. I gasp, thrusting my hips up again, searching for friction. "So close. I'm gonna come as soon as you wrap your hand around it."

Hunter suddenly licks his way down to my chest, then takes my nipple between his lips and sucks. I cry out and wrap my hand around the back of his head, holding him there. Fuck, I'm so obsessed with him and everything he does.

I let go of his head when he drags his teeth over my nipple and whimper. His tongue licks a path down my abdomen, until he gets to where my dick rests against it. He licks around the head, tasting my pre-cum, and a shiver runs down my spine.

"Oh, God." I moan. " Please ."

"Please, what?" he asks me, licking around the head again, then over my piercing. "What do you want?"

"Suck me," I beg. "Please, baby, suck my dick."

He wraps his lips around the head, sucking tentatively, and my hands fist the sheets. Hunter moans as his head bobs up and down, and I stay still for him, panting, making little sounds I don't even recognize as my own. I'm so needy for him—for what he can give me.

He's hesitant at first and sucks me with what seems to be curiosity, yet he seems to want to please me. On the way back up, he sucks on just the head and licks my piercing over and over. My hips buck off the bed and I curse as he keeps paying special attention to it, wrapping his hand around my cock and stroking it.

"Ohmyfuckinggod," I curse. " Yes ."

He doesn't stop. Instead, he strokes me faster and sucks my head slowly between his lips, twirling his tongue over and over.

"That feels so fucking good, Hunt." I gasp, and butterflies erupt in my stomach when he groans and doubles his efforts. "You're doing perfect."

I fist the sheets harder, trying to restrain myself from grabbing his hair since it's his first time, but I finally snap. My fist wraps around his hair, and my back bows off the bed. " Hunter ," I chant, "Oh, God, Hunter, I'm gonna come."

He moans around my length as I feel tingling all over my body. My balls draw up tightly and I breathe in harshly as he takes me to the back of his throat again, and on the way up, I shoot my load in his mouth. Once my dick softens between his lips, he pulls away from me and crawls his way back up my body.

I grab the back of his head and kiss him, and when he thrusts his tongue between my lips, I taste my cum. He's feeding it back to me, and we both moan. I fucking love it.

"Mine," Hunter growls as he pulls away. I think I've died and gone to heaven. "You're still so fucking mine."

I pant, and I watch Hunter staring down at me while his chest heaves. He collapses on top of me, and when he turns his head and kisses my cheek tenderly, his pillowy lips lingering on my skin, I close my eyes.

I whimper, but I'm not playing this game. I flip him onto his back, spreading his legs for me, and press my nose to his groin and inhale. He smells like citrus and him. Like home . "I'm gonna make you come, baby," I whisper, my lips brushing against his skin.

I feel him shiver, and his hands come to the back of my head as he pushes up against my face. I smile and lick his balls, taking one into my mouth and sucking. The sound of pleasure he lets out makes my own balls rise toward my body, and I have to fight the urge to stroke myself from how turned on I am all over again.

"Fuck," he chokes out when my fingers ghost over his hole, and the need to have him inside of me increases. This slow fucking torture is making me crave it. "Please."

"I want you to come in my mouth," I whisper.

"Yeah?" His voice makes my heart start to pound in my chest, my blood rushing in my ears. It's been years since I've had my lips wrapped around his cock, and I need it more than I need air. "Put your mouth on me, Ollie. Please, fuck."

My hand wraps around his cock, and I lick the head. "I'm gonna suck you so fucking good, Hunt."

A thrill runs down my spine as I lick it like a lollipop, thrusting my tongue into his slit lightly. Hunter groans, reaching for my head, but I slap his hand away. I know he wants to fuck my face, but all in due time.

I uncap the lube, running my fingertips over his balls and taint again, and his dick jumps. "I want…I don't know what I want," Hunter whispers.

"Trust me?" I whisper back. Such a loaded question. "I'm gonna make you see stars."

I slather lube over his hole, and he tenses from the cold temperature. "That's so cold." He groans.

"You won't feel that in a minute," I assure him. "I'm going to make you feel good now, okay?"

He doesn't get a chance to answer because I wrap my lips around his cock. I'm floating on a cloud of bliss, finally getting to do this again. He moans when I swirl my tongue around the head and then take him to the back of my throat. "Fuck," he whispers, and I smile around him. "Keep doing that…"

I do it again, and again, and again.

When my finger starts skimming over his rim, he clenches, but when I put pressure behind my touch and take him to the back of my throat at the same time, he moans so long and loud that I groan around his cock too. His body tenses the more I deepthroat him, and his hands find my hair. He grips the strands lightly as if he's afraid to hurt me, so I reach a hand up to tighten his grip around my hair. He obliges, finally pulling until tears sting my eyes.

My head bobs up and down, and when I pull back and wrap my lips around the head of his cock, he curses. My tongue twirls around it, over and over, and when he spreads his legs wider, I slowly thrust a finger into his ass. He tenses again even as I keep on pushing. He's rebelling, trying to keep me out, so I squeeze his thigh reassuringly.

Taking him to the back of my throat again, I swallow him down. I'm trying to tell him to relax , and when he does, my finger breaches the tight ring of muscle and I thrust it all the way to my knuckle. I let go of his cock, giving attention to his balls instead. A shiver runs down my spine when he groans, and my dick throbs.

"Fuck, baby." He moans as my finger picks up the pace, and he starts fucking it back. "More," he begs. "Please, more."

A second finger breaches him. "Relax, Hunt," I whisper, kissing the inside of his thigh. "You're doing so good for me."

After a few thrusts all the way to the knuckle, I find his prostate. It's a good thing I know what I'm doing, and when he shouts, I grin. "Oh, God, yes ."

"Right there?" I ask him, and I rub myself against the mattress. "I want to hear you, Hunt. Please let me hear how much you love my mouth wrapped around your dick."

I wrap my lips around him again, except I'm not slow or tentative about it now. No, I bob my head up and down, deepthroating him on my way down every single time. My fingers keep hitting his prostate over and over, and my eyes roll to the back of my head when his grip tightens on my head and he clenches around my fingers.

"Oh, shit." He moans. "Oh, fuck, Ollie."

I moan around his dick and increase the pace of my fingers.

"Please, please don't stop." We both moan together. "That feels so fucking good. I'm right there, Ollie. Fuck, baby, swallow me down."

I swallow around his dick, and a rush of heat takes over my body when his legs wrap around my head. He moans long and loud as he comes down my throat, and I swallow it down with a groan of pleasure.

I let his dick go with an audible pop and remove my fingers from his body slowly, wiping them on the sheets since they're wet from the lube. I come back up, straddling his waist, my balls against his pelvis. Hunter's skin is a dream, and I let my hands roam all over him. I lean down and take his bottom lip between my teeth, and he gropes my ass and squeezes.

"What does this mean, Hunter?" I ask him slowly. I'm afraid raising my voice will break the spell between us. He just sucked my dick for the first time, for fuck's sake. It has to mean something.

"Willyoubemyboyfriend?" Hunter blurts out, and it sounds like one word with how fast he's asking it. Is he nervous?

"Do you want me to be?"

He turns his body so we're both lying on the bed now. I lie on my side to face him, and I can't help but sink into the bed. I wait for his answer with bated breath, yet he seems to be taking his time, gathering his thoughts.

"It's been a long time coming, Ollie." He looks into my eyes, and his green ones dilate. "If we can forgive each other for everything we've done, I think we can finally move on."

"And be together?" Is this what he truly wants? "What about coming out? How's that gonna go?"

"I'll do it." He sighs. "Tomorrow, I'll come out to the team. I can't keep living a lie—you were right. I need to accept myself. And I've always wanted you, Ollie. You have to know that."

I smile. "Baby, I've always known that." He sucks in a sharp breath. "I think you just didn't want to accept it. Though I'm glad you're finally coming around." I wink, and he chuckles. "But yes, I forgive you." And I mean it. We've been acting out because we've hurt each other so much. However, if we want to give this a real shot, we have to take this huge step. "Will you forgive me?"

Hunter nods slowly, "I do." He looks like he means it, and I relax into the bed even more. "I already have."

"I got you, Hunt," I whisper, rolling off him and shoving my leg between his to get closer. I kiss him, his lips so damn soft against my own. "I love you."

"I love you too," he replies with reverence. "I always have."

I nod and close my eyes, trying to rein in my emotions. The last thing I want to do is cry right now. But then he goes and says things like?—

"You're so beautiful, Blue."

My eyes sting as my stomach swoops like I'm on a rollercoaster. "So are you, boyfriend."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes." I grin.

His eyes are focused on my face, the green so deep they almost look black. I lean in and kiss him softly, chastely. Then I settle my face on his chest and inhale deeply, draping my arm over his waist. He doesn't move for the longest time, except then he holds me back.

He holds me back.