Chapter One: Anson

T his was a mistake.

The thought hits me as the snow dramatically shifts from whimsical flurries to ominous downfall. I’ve got my wipers going as fast as they can, and I’m gripping my steering wheel for dear life.

What the ever-loving fuck was I thinking?

Leaning forward and squinting into the blurry white scene ahead of my car, I’m relatively certain the answer to my own question is ‘I wasn’t’.

Isn’t there some sort of rule about not making drastic decisions after a breakup? Don’t cut or color your hair, don’t get a tattoo, don’t ditch your long-standing Christmas plans for a random getaway out in the middle of God-doesn’t-even-know-where with a hot relative stranger?

Because I may have just done the latter.

Okay, not “may have” – I have done the latter.

But the thing is, I don’t speak to my family anymore, and my usual Christmas plans involve inviting myself to my college best friend’s parents’ house for their family Christmas. However, this Christmas is Vince’s first with his boyfriend, Bear, and I didn’t really feel up to being a third wheel.

I’d really liked the guy I was dating this time and had hoped to drag him along with me. But he broke up with me at the beginning of December and, even though it wasn’t a serious relationship, I’d kind of hoped we could turn it into one.

See, I have this reputation as a bit of a playboy, but I actually want to settle down. The problem is, every time I bring the idea up, my relationships die a tragic death. I’ve heard so many variations of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ in the past year that I’m starting to suspect that it is, in fact, me.

My most recent relationship ended the same way. Tanner was so sweet, but ultimately his reasoning boiled down to the same thing as everyone else’s: he didn’t feel like we were compatible in the long run.

Maybe that can be attributed to how new I am to BDSM and the kink lifestyle. About a year ago, I realized that I was interested in things that are, shall we say, a little left of center. It started with accidentally clicking on the wrong kind of porn and it was like a lightbulb flickered to life over my head. I was super into the age play scene I watched, and then also the pet play scene I watched after that. Seeing men calling other men ‘Daddy’ and allowing Daddy to look after them in super sweet ways before he pounded them into the mattress had made me come harder than I ever had in my life.

So, I started Googling. It didn’t take long to wrap my head around the concepts I was most interested in, to understand the basics of each role in the lifestyle and the usual kinks associated with each. It wasn’t long before I wanted to try it out.

I decided that I was best suited to be an age play Daddy or a pet play Master. As a pediatrician by trade, I think that I’ve got caretaker tendencies. Plus, I love getting down on a kid’s level and playing with them. So, I figured it would be the same with playing with Littles or Pets.

I did a bunch of research into kink-friendly hotspots in the city and stumbled upon a kink-friendly community center called The Little Community Center. There I attended a Q and A session about the realities of exploring and living the lifestyle. The people I spoke to were not only knowledgeable, but super friendly and welcoming, even though I was a newcomer with zero experience in their world. Through them, I found out about The Grove.

The Grove is our city’s largest and most well-appointed kink club. It is discreet to the nth degree: its advertising is mostly word-of-mouth, you can’t enter without signing an NDA, and their security system is mind blowing. It also doesn’t appear to be anything but a giant warehouse building until you enter through the soundproofed door from the foyer into the main club space. I felt at home the moment I stepped inside.

I spent a few months visiting and meeting people involved in kinks of all kinds before I started participating in scenes. After that, I dated Subs, Pups, Kittens, Littles…even a Bunny.

But I guess all that babbling means that I think Tanner had a point. I haven’t fully settled into my own role yet, so how can I expect to commit to a long-term relationship when I haven’t fully worked out with which kinks call to me the most?

Which leads me to why I made the rash decision to blow off my long-standing invitation to Vince’s family Christmas when Drake (a super hot Daddy I know from The Grove) asked me to join him in the mountains. Vince and Bear have only been together six months, but it took less than a week with Bear for Vince to realize that he’s a Daddy through and through.

I’m a little jealous.

Vince hadn’t known anything about the lifestyle at all. He fell into his role by complete accident, and he’s thrived in it. He loves everything about being a Daddy, and I’m so happy for him, I really am. But…I’ve been trying for almost a year to find the same spark that he accidentally stumbled upon, and I can’t help but think the universe is fucking with me.

Speaking of the universe fucking with me…

The road is starting to get slippery, which only makes me feel grumpier. I considered putting chains on my tires earlier, but the flurries were so light and intermittent that I convinced myself I’d make it to my friend’s cabin without an issue.

Now the clouds overhead are darkening and dimming the sky, and the snow is more storm than flurry, so I have to get my stupid chains out of my trunk and fitted to my tires.

It takes longer than I expected. I hate every second of it. I’m freezing by the time I finish because the jacket I chose to wear today was more for aesthetics than function. It’s soaked through, what with not being water or snow proof, and is now doing the opposite of its intended purpose. The sky has also gotten darker, and the wind is picking up.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Ugh.

I clamber back into my SUV and pull back onto the road, frowning at the way my engine shudders and chokes before I get going. Nevertheless, my GPS says that Drake’s place is only fifteen miles away, so I’m certain I’ll make it.